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But he then needs to decide and own his decision. Either he wants them now, or he doesn't. He can change his mind up to the moment she gets pregnant (so he'd better figure out, because it would suck if he decided he didn't want kids afterward). But sooner or later they're going to need to either do it, or not do it. And since the relationship will be based on whether he wants kids, he's going to need to decide eventually. Otherwise they'll both be wasting their time for who-knows-how-long while he waffles.
I'm not sure how well you understood my post, because I explicitly defended OP's decision to air her expectations early and having this issue resolved.
As for your suggestion that a man has to make a decision now, I wonder if you would hold a woman to the same standards.
Besides, how can you possibly insist that a man must commit to not changing his mind about some future plan whilst simultaneously suggesting that he can, in fact, change his mind prior to this plan's fruition? Can you not see the massive contradiction there?
A person either has a right to change their mind or they don't. It is that simple.
My current boyfriend and I had a conversation this past Sunday that made me feel a bit mislead. We were talking about future plans (like 5 year plan type stuff), and kids came up. Now, he’s divorced with two children however since the day he met he has told me on multiple occasions that he would have more children (which for me would be a deal breaker if he didn’t). So Sunday when we were talking about the future, I asked him about kids again and he basically said he’s getting older and he gets conflicted from time to time about whether he wants more. And then he went into the whole thing how it’s not easy, and he’s in his late 40’s and all that. I told him, that he’s aware I want children and he said yes, and then basically he started saying we’re both older (I’m 38) and how it might not be so easy to get pregnant, and that if I want to be pregnant by 40 we’d have to start trying in half a year and all this stuff. I kind of got a bit quiet and then he said “I think you’d be an amazing mom” and then he implied that he wouldn’t deny me having a child, but I feel like having a child is something we both should want, not just something for him to do to appease me. Also one thing he’s not aware of is that I froze my eggs a few years ago, I know I will have to tell him eventually but it’s a weird thing to bring up. I also feel I have to bring up this topic again, because I need a straight answer from him but I also feel like he might tell me what I want to hear out of fear of losing me. I don’t want to be in this relationship another year only to find out he doesn’t want kids, so I think maybe it’s time to bring up the egg freezing to let him know how serious I am about this. What do you guys think? How should I approach this?
Forget about bringing up your cryogenically frozen eggs (they're really beside the point here)--you need to have a direct and honest conversation as soon as possible about whether or not your boyfriend wishes to parent more children by whatever means they arrive.
If it's a deal breaker, so be it. Bringing a new life into the world is a huge responsibility. If he has changed his mind about having more children, that's his prerogative, but you both need to have this talk as time's a marching on.
Forget about bringing up your cryogenically frozen eggs (they're really beside the point here)--you need to have a direct and honest conversation as soon as possible about whether or not your boyfriend wishes to parent more children by whatever means they arrive.
If it's a deal breaker, so be it. Bringing a new life into the world is a huge responsibility. If he has changed his mind about having more children, that's his prerogative, but you both need to have this talk as time's a marching on.
Yep.
It gets tricky when you're thinking of a potential partner as a means to get to whatever milestones you want to accomplish in your life. The relationship itself should be the goal, the primary driver, and it has to be as solid as possible in order to do all that pursuing of goals.
You can't be unsure about or afraid to talk to the man who you think might be helping you through pregnancy and standing next to you over a crib in the middle of the night. Make sure he's the guy you can talk to about anything, whether or not a baby becomes part of the equation.
I'm around the same age and don't think having children at this age is wise. You'll raising a teen or teens when your 60. You should be saving for retirement. All your money is going to go to kids and their future and college so you'll be probably working till you're 80 or dead so no thanks. And if I did want kids I'm not having them just to have them.
I am not trying to have a child right now, but if the future is brought up (which he brought up) I also want to be clear on what I'm looking for, I think it's only fair to both of us. This is why in dating profiles there's usually a question of whether the person wants children, since for many it can be a deal breaker.
Do you even know if you are still fertile? You might want to get some testing done to know if it is even an option.
At least the guy is being honest with you, and yeah, maybe really thinking about having more kids made this guy have 2nd thoughts, and that is totally reasonable. He is at an age when retirement is the next step, and interrupting that with the thought of changing diapers may not be that appealing.
In all fairness, this will probably be an issue with a lot of guys you date. Do you live in a big city? You will have a bigger pool of men who are waiting until they are older to start marriage and children.
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Do you even know if you are still fertile? You might want to get some testing done to know if it is even an option.
At least the guy is being honest with you, and yeah, maybe really thinking about having more kids made this guy have 2nd thoughts, and that is totally reasonable. He is at an age when retirement is the next step, and interrupting that with the thought of changing diapers may not be that appealing.
In all fairness, this will probably be an issue with a lot of guys you date. Do you live in a big city? You will have a bigger pool of men who are waiting until they are older to start marriage and children.
Especially if you date guys who are significantly older than you, AND who already have kids. Not to make a sweeping generalization, but just saying, the chances of you getting a guy who's "been there, done that, don't need to do it again" about it are higher.
I should also add he is an excellent father to the two children he has now, and based on that he is the kind of father I would want for my child.
But keep in mind, he won't be the same, he will be 1/3 rd less of a father than he is now. He will be splitting his time up between children. It's hard.
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My current boyfriend and I had a conversation this past Sunday that made me feel a bit mislead. We were talking about future plans (like 5 year plan type stuff), and kids came up. Now, he’s divorced with two children however since the day he met he has told me on multiple occasions that he would have more children (which for me would be a deal breaker if he didn’t). So Sunday when we were talking about the future, I asked him about kids again and he basically said he’s getting older and he gets conflicted from time to time about whether he wants more. And then he went into the whole thing how it’s not easy, and he’s in his late 40’s and all that. I told him, that he’s aware I want children and he said yes, and then basically he started saying we’re both older (I’m 38) and how it might not be so easy to get pregnant, and that if I want to be pregnant by 40 we’d have to start trying in half a year and all this stuff. I kind of got a bit quiet and then he said “I think you’d be an amazing mom” and then he implied that he wouldn’t deny me having a child, but I feel like having a child is something we both should want, not just something for him to do to appease me. Also one thing he’s not aware of is that I froze my eggs a few years ago, I know I will have to tell him eventually but it’s a weird thing to bring up. I also feel I have to bring up this topic again, because I need a straight answer from him but I also feel like he might tell me what I want to hear out of fear of losing me. I don’t want to be in this relationship another year only to find out he doesn’t want kids, so I think maybe it’s time to bring up the egg freezing to let him know how serious I am about this. What do you guys think? How should I approach this?
He has been divorced for a short time. He is in his late 40's, several years older than you. He may not be sure that he wants to marry again soon or never. Those are good reasons for maybe not wanting more children. He actually gave you a straight answer. Having a child is important to you. You want a man who is ABSOLUTELY SURE that he wants a child or more children. He may give you a sincere yes answer and change his mind months later. He has that right. Don't waste your time with him if you can't get over him possibly not wanting more children.
The more a person has, the more they have to lose. You can have a baby with a broke guy who has a horizon hatchback and no 401k, he doesn’t care if you attach his wages when he can easily quit his job and move in with his mom. That’s why you’re not choosing him.
...or you can already know you’re planning on having a baby with a guy of means who’s going to be on the hook forreal. If he’s older than you and planning for retirement, you’re asking him if he’s ready to start all over again. I know I’m not.
I’m relieved the guy I’m seeing has kids who are over 18. I make more money and am not willing to marry only to have my wages attached for his past life. Different scenario, but I have my own goals, maybe your SO has some too.
Put yourself in his place. He may be changing his mind because the end of his previous life is so new, he hasn’t had a chance to think of himself as an individual.
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