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Is she capable of "competing" with gorgeous actresses and models? Is there a reason it's okay for him to think she needs to "compete" with anyone? For what purpose? Why is it up to him to decide whether she needs to "improve such and such"? If she wasn't good enough for him as she is, wouldn't that be something for them to discuss, rather than him trying to play mind games?
Right, and even if she could "compete" with them, this wouldn't be "healthy competition."
Is she capable of "competing" with gorgeous actresses and models? Is there a reason it's okay for him to think she needs to "compete" with anyone? For what purpose? Why is it up to him to decide whether she needs to "improve such and such"? If she wasn't good enough for him as she is, wouldn't that be something for them to discuss, rather than him trying to play mind games?
I dont know about OP but lets imagine she has let herself go. Her boyfriend could say "Darling, you might want to drop 20 pounds, style your hair, and put on some lipstick." Or he could dump her. Or he could admire beautiful actresses as a hint.
Which would you prefer?
Its possible OPs boyfriend is just an insensitive ass, but its also possible he is just wanting her to preen a bit. Is it horrible for a man to want his girlfriend to primp and preen for him?
I have tended to let myself go when getting too comfortable in relationships. So I assume thats not uncommon? I look my best when Im single. My boyfriends had to tell me "Do something with your hair, wear more makeup." I didnt get insecure, was more like "Hmm maybe he has a point." Then put more effort in and then felt better about myself. I wasnt angry.
Maybe that wont work for everyone though. OP might be someone this would backfire on, as it probably would for you as well.
Insecurity is not attractive, however, constantly commenting on other attractive people can be used as a way to manage someone down. I have had that happen to me. I was with someone who was definitely not as attractive as me if you are comparing. He made a point to bring me down in any way possible. Luckily I have enough esteem and self respect to catch on to and got out of the relationship.
I mean clearly different people feel different ways about this. That's why I don't prefer to focus on whether someone is objectively in the right or wrong, like "Is it wrong for him to look?" or "It's wrong for you to feel insecure." That kind of judgment gets a person nowhere when it comes to human feelings and perceptions.
Some men and women both like to look at attractive celebrities and feel no "threat" is there so it should be fine.
I personally don't feel threatened if my boyfriend actually interacts intimately with an actual human being, if for instance he formed a warm and intimate or even romantic bond with another person, if she and I were close friends and got along, I'd feel no issue with that. I know damn well it's WAY across the line for most people. For me, it's not. I don't feel compared to another actual person, we stand on the same playing field, there's no "impossible standard" there. Like me, she's imperfect, she's living, aging, changing day-by-day, she doesn't have an army of professionals doing her face and hair because her looks are her source of income, she's not a click away from being a completely different person. She's REAL. Just like me. That's comfortable for me.
There is no amount of preening or sprucing up that will make me comparable to these other fantasy women. That's the thing about fantasies. They are on this elevated level of perfection that isn't possible in reality. That's the part that has made me sad in the past and like giving up. It feels like nothing I could ever do would be good enough to measure up to that, because that isn't even real.
Maybe it's because I don't DO the thing of visual fantasy, role play in my head, getting attracted or turned on just by looking. I don't "get" porn. I've tried actually, to enjoy it, and I just don't. I know other people are all into that though. I don't understand it, so it feels threatening.
But that's a whole lotta "me stuff." I think that an ethical partner does a certain amount of unpacking and thinking about their own insecurities and discomforts, because you have to find the line of what is reasonable to ask of your loved one in consideration of your needs...and what is just controlling and not OK to demand. So as I said, neither my partner nor I can say to the other, "You shouldn't feel that!" I can't tell him not to feel attraction towards other women, he can't tell me not to feel hurt or sad about it either...but he can expect me not to give up and turn away from him, withdraw and avoid his love because of this. (This would be one possible impulse I'd feel in connection to this.) And I can ask him not to overtly demonstrate his excitement and interest in fantasy women in front of my face. Like so, you are noticing her, no need to make sure I know that you are, thanks. You can keep that thought to yourself instead.
I don't think it's a red flag, OP, but I do think you can ask for some consideration from your BF if his behavior bothers you. There's no perfect way to approach that conversation if you choose to have it. Own your feelings, avoid accusing language, and be specific about what you want or need from him.
In general, I agree that my insecurities are mine to manage. I also think I ought to be respectful of my partner's insecurities (we all have some), and that I'm well within my rights to expect her to do the same for me.
I don't think it's a red flag, OP, but I do think you can ask for some consideration from your BF if his behavior bothers you. There's no perfect way to approach that conversation if you choose to have it. Own your feelings, avoid accusing language, and be specific about what you want or need from him.
In general, I agree that my insecurities are mine to manage. I also think I ought to be respectful of my partner's insecurities (we all have some), and that I'm well within my rights to expect her to do the same for me.
The other thing that I've found that really helps, is to try and be mindful of when your partner is doing something in consideration of you, and to recognize it and express appreciation for it.
That whole "love languages" deal right, I'm a words of affirmation person all day long and my partner really isn't. But we've talked about this, and I've expressed to him how important this is to how I feel...that things he says can either lift me up or cast me down in very significant ways. He is more physical touch/quality time, so if I let myself be very busy and don't take the time just to snuggle and be in physical contact with him, that can be hurtful to him. Both of us keep one another's needs in mind, and make adjustments to what we might naturally just do without thinking, because it's important to both of us that we feel loved and emotionally fulfilled in this relationship.
And both of us make a point to recognize and appreciate one another.
So if you do ask for what you need and you're able to work something out, and your partner steps up for you, positive feedback and reinforcement for that is always a good idea.
I mentioned upbringing because I think how women handle competition with other women can go beyond being insecure, it can go back to their childhoods.....some mothers are actually jealous of the attention their husbands give to their own daughters. So the daughters learn if they want to keep mother happy, they can't demand attention from father, they can't compete with mother, that is too dangerous. They give up and let mother win. So they grow up with that same pattern, and any kind of female competition is very threatening to them, and they don't know why.
I grew up with divorced parents so whenever we were with my father there was no other woman around and we had his undivided attention, so I guess I didn't develop that sort of insecurity. I have a different kind though which came from a different thing.
But overall, I find real women more threatening than fantasy women. I know I will never be as hot as Megan Fox, and I know my boyfriend is going to see Megan Fox and other women as inhumanly hot as she is, unless he is blind or we are stranded on a desert island.
But I also know, he and I have a bond and a shared history, and a moving image of Megan Fox can't compete with that. He also doesn't have a chance in hell at getting a date with Megan Fox, so there is 0 chance he is going to leave me for Megan Fox. Does it make me feel less attractive in his eyes? Oddly, no, it doesn't. It might inspire me to look my best though, and even though I'll never ever be as beautiful as Megan Fox at least I can be as beautiful as I can possibly be. Its not a zero sum game. There can be many beautiful women in the world beautiful in different ways, and there will always be someone more beautiful.
I'd be much more threatened by the coworker he keeps talking about and sees every day and probably actually has a chance at.
I mentioned upbringing because I think how women handle competition with other women can go beyond being insecure, it can go back to their childhoods.....some mothers are actually jealous of the attention their husbands give to their own daughters. So the daughters learn if they want to keep mother happy, they can't demand attention from father, they can't compete with mother, that is too dangerous. They give up and let mother win. So they grow up with that same pattern, and any kind of female competition is very threatening to them, and they don't know why.
I grew up with divorced parents so whenever we were with my father there was no other woman around and we had his undivided attention, so I guess I didn't develop that sort of insecurity. I have a different kind though which came from a different thing.
But overall, I find real women more threatening than fantasy women. I know I will never be as hot as Megan Fox, and I know my boyfriend is going to see Megan Fox and other women as inhumanly hot as she is, unless he is blind or we are stranded on a desert island.
But I also know, he and I have a bond and a shared history, and a moving image of Megan Fox can't compete with that. He also doesn't have a chance in hell at getting a date with Megan Fox, so there is 0 chance he is going to leave me for Megan Fox. Does it make me feel less attractive in his eyes? Oddly, no, it doesn't. It might inspire me to look my best though, and even though I'll never ever be as beautiful as Megan Fox at least I can be as beautiful as I can possibly be. Its not a zero sum game. There can be many beautiful women in the world beautiful in different ways, and there will always be someone more beautiful.
I'd be much more threatened by the coworker he keeps talking about and sees every day and probably actually has a chance at.
A person's childhood definitely has a lot to do with all this. And as I said, doing the work to understand the sources of whatever issues you may or may not have, that's part of being a good partner. How can you be honest with someone else, if you can't be honest with yourself? In my case, what it was, is that my parents would put me in situations or activities, and I wasn't good at those things, and then they were "very disappointed." No recognition or appreciation for anything I could do, only a focus on the "potential" I supposedly had and how I was never living up to it. This set up this whole thing where my caregivers had a fantasy of what they wished their daughter was, and they could not love me because I wasn't that. While none of this was why my father became more and more absent (he didn't love or even like my Mom and went from "working late" and "business trips" to cheating and leaving) and it also wasn't why my Mom developed depression and retreated into constant sleeping and emotional absence...when you're a kid, you can't understand these kinds of things. All you know is that you weren't whatever it was your parents wanted you to be, and they don't seem to love the person that you are.
It became easier and more comfortable, especially as the house was more and more filled with conflict and anger, to just vanish, avoid. I could hide out somewhere with a good book or go wander alone in the woods for ages. If they can't love me, fine. I'll find what joy I can by myself.
When we think about the emotional patterns we feel as adults, a trigger, a feeling, an impulse of how to cope with it... We can usually trace that back to something we learned as kids.
Which is why it's not really fair to throw it at a partner and say they've wronged us. It's better to ask for some understanding and adjustment. Our psychological baggage (which every adult person has) obviously isn't theirs to carry, though.
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