Would you consider this a red flag and disrespectful or not? (married, woman)

[SomeGuyInFairfax]

1.) How does he feel about you? Does he say you are beautiful?

2.) How do YOU feel about you? Do you think you are as (or more) pretty than the women he is talking about?

Originally Posted by Love_wingsxo

Hi everybody, how would you be secure and feel confident when your boyfriend voices out when a celebrity, actress, or Tv personality looks pretty, because my boyfriend is exactly like this I don’t know if he says it to make me feel insecure/ jealous or because he truly means it without any harm or intentions whatsoever.

The other days we where watching a Tv show from his country and this girl who happens to be an actress from my country, so he was saying how beautiful she is and that from the rest she happens (for him) to be the prettiest one, but then he said that she had an empty brain because of a topic they were discussing.

Then we where watching a tv show where they play games and male celebrities and female compete against each other, so there was this actress/model who he had happened to mention in the past stating how beautiful she is,, so he said the same thing now.

The point is that if he sees 5 women in a day on Tv and thinks they are wow, gorgeous he will just says it out loud in front of me, ex: oh yeah, this actress is very beautiful is this alright? would you not feel like your self esteem goes down or even makes you feel insecure.

Do you find it disrespectful ( especially for him being a good man, with principles etc etc etc).

[moongirl00]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Damn. I can not every imagine telling someone they were gaining weight or anything. It would never cross my mind. People know what they look like.


I wouldn't comment on how I don't like an outfit or hairstyle either, I just keep the mouth shut, or use positive reinforcement for the stuff I do like.


I'd be super hurt if someone said something like that to me.

I guess I am of the school of thought that if one can learn to take criticism and benefit from it, they have essentially acquired a superpower.

Being sensitive to criticism is an Achilles heel most people do have.

Also, criticism =/= abuse. Criticism is helpful and comes from a place of good intentions.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by moongirl00

I guess I am of the school of thought that if one can learn to take criticism and benefit from it, they have essentially acquired a superpower.

Being sensitive to criticism is an Achilles heel most people do have.

Also, criticism =/= abuse. Criticism is helpful and comes from a place of good intentions.

Telling someone they are getting fat (which is what they are hearing) doesn't come from a place of "good intentions". People are lying to themselves if they're telling the other person for "their health". This is done for selfish reasons by people that tell themselves they "have good intentions".


People know when they are gaining weight. They don't need to be put down by others. And such "criticism" isn't going to motivate them to get better, its going to just make them feel crappy.


I often date people I am in better shape than, just because most people aren't in my shape. It doesn't do anything positive to point that out, or even worse, to comment on what they're eating.

[moongirl00]

Originally Posted by timberline742

Telling someone they are getting fat (which is what they are hearing) doesn't come from a place of "good intentions". People are lying to themselves if they're telling the other person for "their health". This is done for selfish reasons by people that tell themselves they "have good intentions".


People know when they are gaining weight. They don't need to be put down by others. And such "criticism" isn't going to motivate them to get better, its going to just make them feel crappy.


I often date people I am in better shape than, just because most people aren't in my shape. It doesn't do anything positive to point that out, or even worse, to comment on what they're eating.

I agree it would be rude to tell someone they are "fat."

Just for some perspective his mother had type 2 diabetes from bad diet, and he used to love to go to walmart, buy a ton of junk food, the worst stuff you can eat, and binge on it almost every night. He was a former body builder so I found it concerning, especially given diabetes in the family.

I was concerned about him. I dont remember how the subject came up or what exactly I said. If I recall correctly I think I just said I found overweightness unattractive, and he wasnt even overweight yet, but he got upset to a degree I thought was an overreaction. Especially since he was constantly telling me how to do my makeup and what to wear and critiquing everything about me. I guess the critique was not to flow the other way though.

[bebe182]

Originally Posted by moongirl00

I dont know about OP but lets imagine she has let herself go. Her boyfriend could say "Darling, you might want to drop 20 pounds, style your hair, and put on some lipstick." Or he could dump her. Or he could admire beautiful actresses as a hint.

Which would you prefer?

Its possible OPs boyfriend is just an insensitive ass, but its also possible he is just wanting her to preen a bit. Is it horrible for a man to want his girlfriend to primp and preen for him?

I have tended to let myself go when getting too comfortable in relationships. So I assume thats not uncommon? I look my best when Im single. My boyfriends had to tell me "Do something with your hair, wear more makeup." I didnt get insecure, was more like "Hmm maybe he has a point." Then put more effort in and then felt better about myself. I wasnt angry.

Maybe that wont work for everyone though. OP might be someone this would backfire on, as it probably would for you as well.

If you're dumping you're significant other because they gained 20 pounds, I doubt there's a strong foundation to that relationship in the first place.

I understand a guy wanting his girl to look good for him, and vice versa but I don't think pointing out a pretty girl on TV is the way to do it. I don't know, I'm the kind of girl who never leaves the house without makeup on and always makes an effort to dress nice whether I'm in a relationship or not so that's not really an insecurity of mine, perhaps body image might be but I think that goes for most women.

[moongirl00]

Originally Posted by bebe182

If you're dumping you're significant other because they gained 20 pounds, I doubt there's a strong foundation to that relationship in the first place.

I understand a guy wanting his girl to look good for him, and vice versa but I don't think pointing out a pretty girl on TV is the way to do it. I don't know, I'm the kind of girl who never leaves the house without makeup on and always makes an effort to dress nice whether I'm in a relationship or not so that's not really an insecurity of mine, perhaps body image might be but I think that goes for most women.

I agree, it would be pretty shallow to break up with someone for that reason.

But I know its an issue couples have, and how does one tell their partner in a tactful way if there is some problem? It doesnt only have to be weight of course, but too much drinking? Poor hygiene? Bad breath?

I'm not even saying this is true in OPs case. It was a mere speculation that he might be looking for an indirect way to tell her something. But I dont know if course. He could just be an ass for all I know.

[rego00123]

If you truly understand the intent of someone doing something you don’t like isn’t to harm you, it’s really not their issue or problem to deal with.

If you just find it excessive to the point you find it annoying, ask him to not do it so often and express your annoyance.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by rego00123

If you truly understand the intent of someone doing something you don’t like isn’t to harm you, it’s really not their issue or problem to deal with.

If you just find it excessive to the point you find it annoying, ask him to not do it so often and express your annoyance.

I don't fully agree with that.

Let's make a physical analogy here. Let's say that during the act of love, my fiance bends one of my limbs in a way that is painful to me. He didn't do it to hurt me, he just did it because it created a position that was more pleasurable, comfortable, or interesting for him. I then have the obligation to speak up, and let him know, "Ow, sorry, my arm hurts in this position, let me move..." because he is not a mind reader. The old, after the fact, "That one time, you nearly broke my arm, and no I didn't say anything but you should have known better!" bit does not fly so well for me. Ya gotta say something. But if, after I say something, he ignores me and keeps on going, or worse, tells me, "Well that shouldn't hurt. Maybe you're just too sensitive. You should stop complaining, it's unattractive." Um, that's not loving behavior. That crosses a line into deliberately causing me pain, because now he knows he's hurting me, and he's doing it anyways.

Emotional pain might not leave bruises you can see, but it's real. It is a legitimate feeling that people feel. If I do my best to clearly express to my fiance that something that he is saying or doing is causing me emotional pain, and he dismisses that and keeps doing it... He's telling me that he does not care about my feelings, in a sense. At the same time, one cannot use their insecurities to push someone else around (controlling extents of this) and if the problem behavior is intrinsic to who a person is, and hurtful to the partner, they might simply be incompatible. My Ex and I were incompatible in that he did not want me to talk to other men, be friends with other men, or go to social activities where other men would be (concerts.) Not only did he not want me to go without him...if I did go with him, and I said hello to a man I knew from one of the fan groups, he'd get angry. Or hell, even if I paid too much attention to a female friend and he felt ignored or neglected. Honestly he simply wanted me to not go at all. This wasn't good, because I wasn't going to give up something important to me, to soothe his insecurities...there was not really good room for compromise without utterly dismissing the needs of one or the other of us. This is plain incompatibility.

I needed someone who could be secure with me even when I'm being all extroverty and sociable.
He needs someone who can revolve their life mostly around him, and give him most of their focused attention, and NOT give it to others.

[Grlzrl]

A long time ago, I dated a guy who did photography. He photographed women in various states of undress and worked for a famous photographer doing this. He had a wall of those photos in his apartment. He would look at other women all the time. It just wasn't comfortable for me. I never really thought of myself as particularly insecure but the constant staring at the wall bugged me, especially when, at one point, I found out his ex was on there. And she was still calling him. That's not the main reason I broke up with him. He had some anger issues. But it didn't help matters.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by jencam

Eh. My actual boyfriend had to put up with me saying My Boyfriend is on! when I was 'in love' with a character on a show.

That would be crossing a line for me. That phrase would be an indication of a heavy emotional investment which occupies a large amount of mind space. I would find that disrespectful.