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I actually can move on and at one point I did, it just didn't work out with the other guy I was dating back then. When this friend saw me moving on, he started to make moves on me, which resurfaced my feelings and that timing was perfect in that regard because I had just broke things off with that other guy. But the thing is I had walls up as I didn't know what he really wanted. Did he not want to commit but doesn't want anyone else to have me? Or does he truly want something and my walls are confusing him?
C'mon. Your other post, which runs nearly concurrently with this one, and the timing of the two relationships (boyfriend and "friend") tells me you are fooling yourself. You said your were "on the fence about the BF before you went on vacation" but you also gave the "friend" the letter before you went on vacation. Is there no chance the BF wouldn't have gotten a fairer shot if the "friend" were out of the picture?
I'm one who married someone I knew as a friend. I think we were both surprised at how the other felt.
I withheld one piece of info from him though.
We've now been married over 35 years and truly best friends still.
(I actually met him on his birthday at a surprise party for him; what he didn't know and no one knew was that it also my birthday as well). (Yes, born on the same day).
So it didn't turn out how I thought it would, but eye opening.
I actually feel like I was being gaslighted at a certain point. To sum it up, he told me he has never had romantic feelings for me, it's all in my head and he told me that I have a big imagination, and that it's silly of me to think that the incidents that happened between us were anything real. Just to recap the events that confused me four months ago he decided to hold my hand and lay his shoulder against on my chest, he always holds doors open for everywhere I go (even car doors), and he had made sexual advances on me in the past. I would say every 4-6 months something sexual would happen between us (usually initiated by him) and it would get swept under the rug. I usually wanted to address it, he wanted to pretend nothing happened.
He then started to criticize me on certain things that I do and say outside of this realm. I sat there and listened to him but did not engage. I simply stated I just wanted to tell him how I felt about him and understand how he felt about me. I told him now that I understand how he feels about me I can move forward and move on. I told him I am going to need some space and it might be a while before we talk again as I need to work on overcoming my feelings from him. He responded that we already see each other every 2-3 weeks, that he thought that was enough space. I told him no, I need more, and when we do reconnect it will be awhile before we hang out 1-1 again, it will have to be group settings.
I think I was bothered because after that as we were finishing our drinks, he got flirty and starting teasing me a little. Actually it really bothered me, because here I am bearing my heart to you and saying I need space, and the immediate aftermath is to tease and get flirty. We departed with a hug. I told him that maybe in March we can touch base. He said "Really? A month?" and I said yes, and it looked like that made him very sad when I told him the soonest he would hear from me would be March.
I am disappointed in two ways but relieved in another. First disappointment was obviously I didn't get what I had hoped for. But also disappointed because it felt like, there was a lot of making me feel as if I was crazy, imagining things, and out of touch of reality. That was a big disappointment in him as a person. The interesting thing is I felt when he was criticizing me or turning it around about me imagining things, I didn't engage. I have to say, it felt like he was trying to bait me into maybe an argument (not sure) but it never worked. I sat cool, calm collected, and just reiterated to him, that he has made it clear he has no feelings for me, and I shall move on. That's all I wanted to know.
I am relieved though because I got that off my chest and can move forward and start dating others freely. TBH I am second guessing the friendship now, not because he rejected me, but rather, it honestly felt like I was being gaslighted (and I felt this by him once before like 2 years ago). If his response would have been "I don't have feelings for you, but let's discuss then what our friendship looks like moving forward", that would have been great and I might not need space. But the way he went about it, it's just felt messed up.
But in the end, it's okay, because now I am looking forward to MY future. It's interesting, when I was in Florida two weeks ago, I met a guy that I have connected so well and we have been talking to on a regular basis, so who knows, but only one way to look, and that's forward.
Hold onto that, and forget everything else. Frankly, I would not hang out with him again at all because he doesn't respect you. That is obvious, and there's no need to voluntarily serve whatever weird purpose he needs you for.
I know you're hurting. That will last a little while. But you took an important step to get at the truth. When a man really wants you, you will know. And it won't make you feel crazy.
Hold onto that, and forget everything else. Frankly, I would not hang out with him again at all because he doesn't respect you. That is obvious, and there's no need to voluntarily serve whatever weird purpose he needs you for.
I know you're hurting. That will last a little while. But you took an important step to get at the truth. When a man really wants you, you will know. And it won't make you feel crazy.
Yeah. I was talking to my other best friend and telling her what happened. She told me she felt he was being dishonest based on what she has witnessed and knows of him. She told me that she's convinced I will hear from him in a week or two, perhaps him changing his story.
I told her I didn't care, it won't change anything. His reaction and the gaslighting was enough for me to see that a romantic relationship won't ever work out and a friendship with a lot of distance (at best) is required.
While I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way that you hoped, at the very least you now have enough clarity in regards to what's what with this guy so you can move on to someone else who is mentally healthy and able to be a full partner in a relationship with you; someone who is sure that he wants to date you and not make you feel as if you're part of a game of "hot and cold."
To be honest, if he's not come to terms with his own issues, his past history would likely destroy any chance of a healthy relationship between you. It might be for the best to keep him at arm's length and, as you stated, only see him in group settings, for the foreseeable future. If he cannot respect your need for space and tries to revisit this conversation, you might need to cut him out of your life entirely. Are you willing to do that if it comes to that at some point?
So it didn't turn out how I thought it would, but eye opening.
I actually feel like I was being gaslighted at a certain point. To sum it up, he told me he has never had romantic feelings for me, it's all in my head and he told me that I have a big imagination, and that it's silly of me to think that the incidents that happened between us were anything real. Just to recap the events that confused me four months ago he decided to hold my hand and lay his shoulder against on my chest, he always holds doors open for everywhere I go (even car doors), and he had made sexual advances on me in the past. I would say every 4-6 months something sexual would happen between us (usually initiated by him) and it would get swept under the rug. I usually wanted to address it, he wanted to pretend nothing happened.
He then started to criticize me on certain things that I do and say outside of this realm. I sat there and listened to him but did not engage. I simply stated I just wanted to tell him how I felt about him and understand how he felt about me. I told him now that I understand how he feels about me I can move forward and move on. I told him I am going to need some space and it might be a while before we talk again as I need to work on overcoming my feelings from him. He responded that we already see each other every 2-3 weeks, that he thought that was enough space. I told him no, I need more, and when we do reconnect it will be awhile before we hang out 1-1 again, it will have to be group settings.
I think I was bothered because after that as we were finishing our drinks, he got flirty and starting teasing me a little. Actually it really bothered me, because here I am bearing my heart to you and saying I need space, and the immediate aftermath is to tease and get flirty. We departed with a hug. I told him that maybe in March we can touch base. He said "Really? A month?" and I said yes, and it looked like that made him very sad when I told him the soonest he would hear from me would be March.
I am disappointed in two ways but relieved in another. First disappointment was obviously I didn't get what I had hoped for. But also disappointed because it felt like, there was a lot of making me feel as if I was crazy, imagining things, and out of touch of reality. That was a big disappointment in him as a person. The interesting thing is I felt when he was criticizing me or turning it around about me imagining things, I didn't engage. I have to say, it felt like he was trying to bait me into maybe an argument (not sure) but it never worked. I sat cool, calm collected, and just reiterated to him, that he has made it clear he has no feelings for me, and I shall move on. That's all I wanted to know.
I am relieved though because I got that off my chest and can move forward and start dating others freely. TBH I am second guessing the friendship now, not because he rejected me, but rather, it honestly felt like I was being gaslighted (and I felt this by him once before like 2 years ago). If his response would have been "I don't have feelings for you, but let's discuss then what our friendship looks like moving forward", that would have been great and I might not need space. But the way he went about it, it's just felt messed up.
But in the end, it's okay, because now I am looking forward to MY future. It's interesting, when I was in Florida two weeks ago, I met a guy that I have connected so well and we have been talking to on a regular basis, so who knows, but only one way to look, and that's forward.
I'm a little late but... Yikes!!!
Well, at least you can move forward.
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Nothing to lose really
