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I’ve been reading through the forum looking for reason or rhyme. I just ended a relationship with an older man, we were together for almost 2 years. But since the day I met him he told me about a young woman who was 27, (my bf was 67) who he met a year before me, after meeting her said he asked her to dinner and found out she had a bf but she said it was complicated, he learned she was a part time model and into bondage, he asked her if she liked to travel, she said yes and he took her on vacation. He made a point of telling me when he met me that she was a “model” but that there was no attraction to her. The way he put it he was in Cozumel her in a bikini all the time and "never got an erection around her. " I'm not so sure that means he wasn't attracted to her. He came to the town where myself and the model live and would see me after work and we would spend nights together but when he got off early on Saturdays he always asked her to dinner and if she was busy he spent it with me. When I complained that the only night he gets out early he sees her he said that most times he was with me right? But the fact is he was only with me because she was with her bf. It really hurt my feelings because he talks about a forever us. The first time I went to his home I found out he has a poster sized picture of her on his bedroom wall. I decided that maybe he thought it was just a pretty picture and pushed it aside. One day he lent me his laptop and there she was on his wallpaper and on the shelf with his family photos is her again. There are no pictures of me or us in his home. It feels like he wants her but settles for me and I'm beginning to feel it's just for sex.
I love him and I’m trying to understand. He tells me he loves me, but he wants me to lose weight for both health reasons and because that’s what he wants. He said he has the woman so what nothing else should matter but he wants what he wants. He keeps a picture of me on his phone when I was younger and thinner and that's what he wants. It makes me feel like he wants me to be something else and I can't help but feeling like I will never measure up.
He talks about traveling to Cozumel with me but insist he wants me in a bikini. Over the holidays she called apparently to wish him Merry Christmas and he insinuated that he was just spending a quiet holiday at home, instead of saying he was with his girlfriend or that it was our 2nd Christmas. My curiosity took over and while he was away I went through his phone I found out he receives nude photos from her. When I questioned him, he said she was a model and they were from her photo shoots. But there wasn’t just one there were a dozen, after reading through her text I find him saying things like he misses her, wishes she were there and that her name was the most beautiful name he could think of. He sent us the same piece of jewelry with our names on it.
It cut deeply. I KNOW nothing sexual has gone on between the two but his obsession with her bothers me.
He isn’t a bad man, he treats me well but when I asked him to tell her he has a girlfriend he says she knows he is seeing someone special, but I don't believe him. When she phones and ask what I also don’t believe she sends those pictures to all her male friends especially if they are in a relationship but maybe she does. I am hoping not. I mean if she is a model then she must have a website, can’t he just see them there? Does he have to have her send them directly? I asked him how he would feel if I did that, he said I could do as I please. But that her's were professional pictures.
I told him that I knew myself and that this would never be okay with me. He said I don’t control him, that he didn't do ultimatums and that I was being insecure. I’m not saying don’t be her friend but come on…maybe it’s me.
It's not a mistake. You have boundaries. You stood up for yourself. He is a mystery you no longer need to unravel. You will meet someone else who will integrate you into his life in meaningful ways.
Right, but he doesn't control you, either. See, an ultimatum is saying "You need to stop with the photos and the nudes and talking to this woman, being friends with this woman, or else!" No, he does not need to stop doing those things. But you also do not have to be in a relationship with him. It clearly bothers you. It would bother me, too, so I don't blame you. If you are with someone and the things that they do make you feel consistently insecure, and full of emotional turbulence, then I'd seriously consider walking away from this.
Don't look at leaving as something you bargain with or threaten to do, in order to try and force a result or control him. He has already, through his actions, shown you that this is who he is and what he does. Assume he won't stop, because probably he won't. If it weren't this "model" it would be some other. There are a million of them out there. In a case like this, he clearly feels entitled to do this and doesn't care much about what you think, or he enjoys your discomfort and pushing your boundaries. He's not being loving or respectful of you, IMO. I'd walk away from this, I think.
You know, sometimes I wonder how men would feel if you got a poster of a studly guy with perfect traditionally "hot guy" looks and in the picture he's like reclining on a pile of cash, and it says in sexy cursive writing his name, height and net worth and that there's no genetic predisposition to balding in his family line, like right next to him, and you had that hanging where your date guy had to look at it, and then told him you text and he sends flirty messages and nudes with this model, isn't that cool? and hey...it doesn't MEAN anything and you shouldn't feel insecure!! Like would most men be fine with that? Criminy. To some extent, having a partner rub in your face how much they like to fantasize about others just isn't freaking nice.
Thank you all for your advice, it means a lot to me. I’ve been twisted over this for 2 years. I knew my gut feelings were right, I was just hoping I was wrong. I don’t think she has any sexual interest in him. He’s very eccentric and a bit of an enigma with a savior complex with women, nevertheless I think she has him on a line. What’s sad is I think he really cared for me but just won’t let her go, maybe it’s ego but it’s not my problem anymore.
Sadly I think it’s both, he says he’s “investing “ in me. And at first I thought it was sweet, but then he says things like he wants to have my breast done if I lose them when I lose weight. He always leaves me conflicted. He’s unassuming, short in stature but looks great for his age. Maybe one day he’ll get what he wants.
Sadly I think it’s both, he says he’s “investing “ in me. And at first I thought it was sweet, but then he says things like he wants to have my breast done if I lose them when I lose weight. He always leaves me conflicted. He’s unassuming, short in stature but looks great for his age. Maybe one day he’ll get what he wants.
cool, free implants, that's nice. If you don't want any, just keep eating.
OK - go back and read out loud everything you wrote, but imagine it was someone else telling the story about herself and this old rich guy and his perfect model girlfriend. What would you say to the woman writing this story? I would say she did the right thing and that nobody who cares about you will compare you to another woman. And certainly someone who cares about you will not have nude photos of the woman he is comparing you to, on his phone. Or posters in his bedroom.
Wow. People always told me I should be more patient and not expect so much from men I was dating. But I can't imagine any female telling another woman to put up with behavior like this. You did not make a mistake. Now you are free to find a guy who actually cares about you.
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