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Old 01-31-2020, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Mr. Roger's Neighborhood
4,087 posts, read 2,537,458 times
Reputation: 12489

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post
I've been with my girlfriend for quite sometime now. She has two boys of the age 10 and 16. The 10 year is mature and quite pleasant but the 16 year old is just . The 16 year old thinks the world owes him something, he can treat people how he wants to and just feel like he is above all and doesn't take accountable for anything he does. He feels he runs the house and the has authority over everyone.

I am a firm believer that you get what you give. If you treat others in a certain way expect that same energy back.

I've put up with his disrespect for awhile but a couple of weekends ago it was the last of it. He is only here on the weekends(thank god). He was using very foul language in our home and I told him he wasn't to use that kind of language in our home regardless of what kind of language he uses at his father's. He wasn't to happy but that's okay. He acted very disrespectful while I was telling him this. When he was leaving he never acknowledge me or said bye or nothing. It wasn't the first time but I figure I'll treat him and ignore him the same way when he gets here for the weekends.

I have blood relatives that I don't deal with because of how they treat people. I'll be damned to put up with this kid because I'm dating his mother. He's 16 and should know better by now. His mom and dad may take his crap and disrespect but I feel like I don't have too.

I picked him up and he said "hi, how was your week" and I ignored him and acted like he wasn't even there. Awkward yes but you would think he would open up and have a dialogue with me or apologize for how he acted but NO. Once again he just expects everyone to just to take his crap and be okay with it.

I told my girlfriend that I wasn't going to speak with him and she agreed and told me that she spoke to him on the car ride back home last weekend. Now she's upset because I ignored her son.

Am I wrong for my actions? -- How much can you let a person disrespect you? I tolerated him for awhile and for him not to apologize just shows once again him not being accountable for his actions?
Children, but especially teenagers can be exceptionally "id." It's quite likely that the incident of couple weekends ago left his mind shortly after he left his mother's house. If something was bothering you, saying "hello" in return and casually bringing up how his behavior concerned you last time you were together while you still had him as "captive audience" in the car after picking him up would have been the more effective way to deal with him.

If you don't remember how it felt to be a teenager or aren't around them on a regular basis, you might not have understood that his saying "hi, how was your week" very well might have been his way of opening up to you. When a teenager opens up a conversation--take it as those opportunities can be few and far between!

Is he otherwise well-behaved? Gets decent grades? Gets along relatively well with his brother and his peers?

Be the adult in this scenario. Quit playing "tit for tat" as it's childish and will likely backfire on you if you consistently use that tactic in handling his behavior. Set the example that you wish to see him emulate (he notices far more than you realize)--especially in how you interact with him, his brother, and his mother--and let his parents handle the discipline end of parenting.

Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 01-31-2020 at 05:05 PM..
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:20 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,158 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty View Post
Children, but especially teenagers can be exceptionally "id." It's quite likely that the incident of couple weekends ago left his mind shortly after he left his mother's house. If something was bothering you, saying "hello" in return and casually bringing up how his behavior concerned you last time you were together while you still had him as "captive audience" in the car after picking him up would have been the more effective way to deal with him.

If you don't remember how it felt to be a teenager or aren't around them on a regular basis, you might not have understood that his saying "hi, how was your week" very well might have been his way of opening up to you. When a teenager opens up a conversation--take it as those opportunities can be few and far between!

Is he otherwise well-behaved? Gets decent grades? Gets along relatively well with his brother and his peers?

Be the adult in this scenario. Quit playing "tit for tat" as it's childish and will likely backfire on you if you consistently use that tactic in handling his behavior. Set the example that you wish to see him emulate (he notices far more than you realize)--especially in how you interact with him, his brother, and his mother--and let his parents handle the discipline end of parenting.
No he isn't well-behaved. He's acted like this since I've met him. He fails schooling and doesn't want to go half of the time. He was close to failing and getting kicked out of school so we had to home school him for 2 years. He gets along with you as long as you agree with anything he says and do what he wants you to do.

It's not the first time he has disrespected me and I don't feel like it playing "tit for tat" but why would I want to keep dealing with him when he's rude and think that everyone owes him something. Age of 16 you should know better. He can be an adult for other things when he wants to be rude but he wants to play the teenage role in car.

I might be wrong but I don't feel the need to take disrespect from him and keep sweeping it under the rug. He has no problem opening up conversation when he wants to be disrespectful.
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:22 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,725,995 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post
No he isn't well-behaved. He's acted like this since I've met him. He fails schooling and doesn't want to go half of the time. He was close to failing and getting kicked out of school so we had to home school him for 2 years. He gets along with you as long as you agree with anything he says and do what he wants you to do.

It's not the first time he has disrespected me and I don't feel like it playing "tit for tat" but why would I want to keep dealing with him when he's rude and think that everyone owes him something. Age of 16 you should know better. He can be an adult for other things when he wants to be rude but he wants to play the teenage role in car.

I might be wrong but I don't feel the need to take disrespect from him and keep sweeping it under the rug. He has no problem opening up conversation when he wants to be disrespectful.
So you live with his mom, and you have for "quite a while." Yet neither of you has had any positive influence over him?

How old was he when you started dating her, and when you moved in together?

Are you living in your home, her home, or a home you two got together?
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:36 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,158 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
So you live with his mom, and you have for "quite a while." Yet neither of you has had any positive influence over him?

How old was he when you started dating her, and when you moved in together?

Are you living in your home, her home, or a home you two got together?
A met his mother we dated for awhile and at that time he was living with his mother and we moved in together. He was around 12 at the time we all moved in together. We had to take him out of school because he wouldn't go because he had problems with all the teachers and classmates (which wasn't his fault). So we had to home school him for 2 years. Its hard to have a positive influence on a kid that see he does no wrong and his parent allow him to get away with treating him however.

Me and the mother lives together and he lives with his father now but said that he wants to move back in with us. I don't think that can happen if so him and his mother can get a place and I will get a place of my own and we see each when we can. But I refuse to live with someone who think he runs the house and can do and treat anyone the way his wants.

She thinks I hate her son which isn't true I just don't feel like I have to deal with him. She can't expect someone not to feel negative about her son when he acts the way he does. She said that I should have some respect because it her son
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:47 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,158 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by MPowering1 View Post
You identified the root of the problem above (bolded). You and your girlfriend have different ideas on how to raise children and now she expects you to take the crap she and her ex have allowed.

And remember, child #2 is coming up and watching all of this. Don't be surprised if today's pleasant kid is tomorrow's disrespectful brat.

There are no adults in this situation besides yourself. For me, that would be a deal breaker but you have to do what you have to do.
I agree with you. She doesn't help She think well its her son so I should just be okay with it. I get her point of view. It sucks being in a relationship with someone who doesn't get along with your child but there is a reason and it not like I never tried but how much should a person take?

Wrong is wrong regardless of the relationship. She shouldn't think because she acts a certain way meaning everyone else will. I have no relationship to the kid besides dating his mother. I helped home school, buy him things and been nice to him since I started dating his mother. I did my part in trying to build a relationship with him but he feels he can treat people however
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
17,616 posts, read 22,567,169 times
Reputation: 14335
Perhaps, see if both boys might be interested in joining the Boy Scouts (later on join the Explorers). They will learn many useful skills & knowledge which will be very important in their lives, now & in the future.
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,725,995 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post

A met his mother we dated for awhile and at that time he was living with his mother and we moved in together. He was around 12 at the time we all moved in together. We had to take him out of school because he wouldn't go because he had problems with all the teachers and classmates (which wasn't his fault). So we had to home school him for 2 years. Its hard to have a positive influence on a kid that see he does no wrong and his parent allow him to get away with treating him however.
But as an adult male in his life, you do have a position of influence over him, and you are modeling behaviors and attitudes to him, whether you intend to or not.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post

Me and the mother lives together and he lives with his father now but said that he wants to move back in with us. I don't think that can happen if so him and his mother can get a place and I will get a place of my own and we see each when we can. But I refuse to live with someone who think he runs the house and can do and treat anyone the way his wants.
Then don't. I think if he does move back in with his mom, you definitely should move out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post

She said that I should have some respect because it her son
I agree with her.

Those head smacks are very telling. It feels like you're probably making this situation worse. Respect doesn’t mean giving the kid his own way. It also doesn't mean that he has to see everything from your point of view or do everything your way. To respect someone is not necessarily to agree with him or trust him automatically.

There are ways to resolve this, but the heavy lifting has to come from his parents.

It sounds like his parents are failing him. If there's an issue of respect to debate here, for me it would be with her. She's dropped the ball with her kid, and her relationships are suffering.
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:55 PM
 
Location: The ghetto
17,325 posts, read 8,931,148 times
Reputation: 13266
OP, I feel you acted inappropriately. In my opinion, it's not your place to tell the kid what kind of language he should or shouldn't use. And I think you were very immature to have ignored the kid in the car. He extended an olive branch. Rejecting it, and expecting a formal apology, is just not cool. Not to mention all the animosity you clearly have towards him.

The kid took the high road. Why can't you?
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Old 01-31-2020, 05:59 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,158 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
OP, I feel you acted inappropriately. In my opinion, it's not your place to tell the kid what kind of language he should or shouldn't use. And I think you were very immature to have ignored the kid in the car. He extended an olive branch. Rejecting it, and expecting a formal apology, is just not cool. Not to mention all the animosity you clearly have towards him.

The kid took the high road. Why can't you?
In our home, he won't be using that kind of language and speaking like that. period. Respect our home or don't come I don't care who you are.

I have animosity for a reason and its his behavior and how he acts. Why would a person not feel that kind of way about a person like that regardless of their age.
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Old 01-31-2020, 06:13 PM
 
Location: The ghetto
17,325 posts, read 8,931,148 times
Reputation: 13266
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisMD1 View Post
In our home, he won't be using that kind of language and speaking like that. period. Respect our home or don't come I don't care who you are.

I have animosity for a reason and its his behavior and how he acts. Why would a person not feel that kind of way about a person like that regardless of their age.
I don't think you're actually looking for advice but rather just looking for people to agree with you.

I don't agree with you, and I feel you're being disrespectful to his mother.
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