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When we finally met up, he was super late without letting me know. But during our meet up, he insisted he was interested in trying to work it out again. We worked out a plan to communicate better and since then (four days ago) things have been OK. He now wants me to book plane tickets to visit his family with him in a month to "move things along."
So questions:
1. Is his behavior -- the fact that he immediately said "let's just be friends" at the first sign of conflict, the fact that he didn't care about resolving the issue that day, and the fact that he was super late to an important conversation -- indicative of the fact that he is not really that interested in me? For reference, he is 39. He has gone six years without a girlfriend and said if he "gets married" that'd be great but if not, he's OK with that too. His attitude toward dating seems fairly nonchalant.
2. Should I go on this out of town trip? He said that part of the issue is I don't want to do things that would move the relationship forward like meet his family. However this trip is expensive and I'm a student. He hasn't offered to pay. I just want to know that he is actually invested and likes me before doing these kinds of things.
3. Should I fear his longterm commitment abilities? His longest relationship is 2.5 years. Other than that, his next longest was 10 months. He's 39. Given what I just experienced, I have a slight fear that we'd be married for a few years and he'd decide "he wants out" after one argument.
Actually, what stands out to me is the contradictory signals he gives, seemingly on whim. He wants what he wants, and that changes from moment to moment, seemingly, and it's all on his terms.
He wants to break up. No, he wants to work it out, but he's late to the meet up to discuss that. Then suddenly, he wants to "move things along", and follows that up with blaming you for not wanting to take steps that move the relationships along, like meeting his parents. Except you already met his mom. So you have taken steps to "move things along". Then he wants you to take an expensive trip, which was kind of thoughtless of him, considering that you're a student. And at only 3 months, it's a little premature to be "moving things along" that fast, IMO.
IDK. When you pile all that together, it looks like a field of red flags, tbh. And if you're having trouble communicating at this early stage in the dating process, that doesn't bode well. What comes across is that you're very different people with different communication styles, different "love languages" if you will, plus he has a pushy style that seems almost a little controlling.
Not a good match. Unless he has a lot of redeeming qualities you haven't mentioned. But still... what's his hurry to "move it along"? And why would he want to, just a day or two after wanting to break up? That's not a good sign at all.
Yes, I'm worried that he was cool to call it quits with one argument. However, I question the argument itself. You're unhappy that he took several hours to get back to you when he was out somewhere doing something and it would be perfectly understandable if he didn't stop what he was doing to write back (or even didn't hear his phone). I don't know what the argument was but I think you expecting him to get back to you right away was a bit unrealistic and may have come across as controlling or needy. I get that it was something you needed an answer to and that sucks, but, it just didn't happen and there wasn't much point arguing about it.
I don't see "do you think we'll ever get over these communication issues?" as "putting the relationship on the line." It was a simple question. It's not like he said, "if our communication style doesn't improve we're done." It sounds a bit dramatic for him to talk about "these communication issues" when it sounds like it was the first argument you've ever had and according to you was a minor one, but you could've replied with "call me and let's talk about it."
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxthinkpinkxo
Yeah I get that. I was kind of baiting him, maybe hoping he'd say "absolutely not I don't want to be friends, I'm committed." I can't undo that comment, I'm just scared now that he's not really in this.
That was a mistake. You can't undo the comment, but you can keep from doing that again. Don't bait someone, don't play games, don't be dramatic... just play it straight. Don't suggest a breakup unless you're willing for them to call your bluff. Don't try to underhandedly try to get them to say/do something just because you're feeling insecure. That's not the way you conduct mature relationships.
Yes, I'm worried that he was cool to call it quits with one argument. However, I question the argument itself. You're unhappy that he took several hours to get back to you when he was out somewhere doing something and it would be perfectly understandable if he didn't stop what he was doing to write back (or even didn't hear his phone). I don't know what the argument was but I think you expecting him to get back to you right away was a bit unrealistic and may have come across as controlling or needy. I get that it was something you needed an answer to and that sucks, but, it just didn't happen and there wasn't much point arguing about it.
I don't see "do you think we'll ever get over these communication issues?" as "putting the relationship on the line." It was a simple question. It's not like he said, "if our communication style doesn't improve we're done." It sounds a bit dramatic for him to talk about "these communication issues" when it sounds like it was the first argument you've ever had and according to you was a minor one, but you could've replied with "call me and let's talk about it."
That was a mistake. You can't undo the comment, but you can keep from doing that again. Don't bait someone, don't play games, don't be dramatic... just play it straight. Don't suggest a breakup unless you're willing for them to call your bluff. Don't try to underhandedly try to get them to say/do something just because you're feeling insecure. That's not the way you conduct mature relationships.
Your reply makes a lot of sense. I can see where I was immature and insecure. I'm really trying to not do that again. Basically we have since agreed now to talk on the phone each night to go over things, rather than try to communicate important information via text. It's only been a few days but so far it's working out better. I guess my fear now is whether he is that committed, seeing he was so quick to agree to call it quits.
Yeah I get that. I was kind of baiting him, maybe hoping he'd say "absolutely not I don't want to be friends, I'm committed." I can't undo that comment, I'm just scared now that he's not really in this.
Yeah, that's called manipulation and he wasn't going to take it. Be straight up next time. I can see why you two have communication issues.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,951,955 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
That was a mistake. You can't undo the comment, but you can keep from doing that again. Don't bait someone, don't play games, don't be dramatic... just play it straight. Don't suggest a breakup unless you're willing for them to call your bluff. Don't try to underhandedly try to get them to say/do something just because you're feeling insecure. That's not the way you conduct mature relationships.
Yeah, once I get a wiff of such obvious games I'm out.
I would also have been like: You're right, friends it is. TTYL.
Too old for such nonsense. Date me or not. Doesn't matter at 3 mos, its supposed to be fun and free at that point.
I've been dating a guy for about three months. We were on the same page initially about wanting a longterm relationship that would lead to marriage and such. We've had a couple little disagreements over the past couple weeks but nothing major.
Last weekend, he went to the casino and I didn't get a reply from him for several hours to a question I'd asked about our plans the next day. I was having a rough day and I wanted to get some clarification about the question. Eventually he replied and we got in a little fight. But it wasn't a huge escalated thing. However, after a couple snarky messages back and forth he said "do you think we'll ever get over these communication issues?" I was pretty shocked that he put the relationship on the line like that and I responded [b]"It sounds like you may just want to be friends, if that's the case I respect that."[/B] Heasked to talk on the phone initially but then said "actually you know what? Let's just be friends." I was shocked. A week earlier, he'd asked me to go on an out-of-town on a trip together. He'd introduced me to his mom. The day before, we were having playful banter and making plans for the weekend. The next morning, I texted him and asked him if breaking up was what he really wanted. He said he "didn't know what he wanted" and he just didn't like our communication issues. I asked him to meet up to talk about it. He asked to push the meet up to later in the week. I insisted on meeting up that day (I didn't want to wait a week to talk about something that was tearing me up inside). When we finally met up, he was super late without letting me know. But during our meet up, he insisted he was interested in trying to work it out again. We worked out a plan to communicate better and since then (four days ago) things have been OK. He now wants me to book plane tickets to visit his family with him in a month to "move things along."
So questions:
1. Is his behavior -- the fact that he immediately said "let's just be friends" at the first sign of conflict, the fact that he didn't care about resolving the issue that day, and the fact that he was super late to an important conversation -- indicative of the fact that he is not really that interested in me? For reference, he is 39. He has gone six years without a girlfriend and said if he "gets married" that'd be great but if not, he's OK with that too. His attitude toward dating seems fairly nonchalant.
2. Should I go on this out of town trip? He said that part of the issue is I don't want to do things that would move the relationship forward like meet his family. However this trip is expensive and I'm a student. He hasn't offered to pay. I just want to know that he is actually invested and likes me before doing these kinds of things.
3. Should I fear his longterm commitment abilities? His longest relationship is 2.5 years. Other than that, his next longest was 10 months. He's 39. Given what I just experienced, I have a slight fear that we'd be married for a few years and he'd decide "he wants out" after one argument.
Your actions to him not responding soon enough for you appeared to be needy and controlling. You played the "friends" card and got upset because he agreed. Too much immaturity and drama. He wanted to meet later, you wanted to meet sooner, he was late, you were angry; power struggles. At this point, let him know that you cannot afford to meet his family next month. Continue to date and have fun. Give it time and see where the relationship goes. Three months in is too soon to be talking marriage. Choose your battles. don't sweat the small stuff. If he insists on being friends, decide what, if any, friendship you want with him. Stop playing games. They often backfire.
Your reply makes a lot of sense. I can see where I was immature and insecure. I'm really trying to not do that again. Basically we have since agreed now to talk on the phone eachnight to go over things, rather than try to communicate important information via text. It's only been a few days but so far it's working out better. I guess my fear now is whether he is that committed, seeing he was so quick to agree to call it quits.
What happens if he can't/doesn't call you one night? Are you going to freak out and blow up his phone? To agree to talk every night is a big responsibility for both of you. How often you talk/make contact other than planned dates should happen naturally because one or both of you want to talk, not because it is an expectation.
Your actions to him not responding soon enough for you appeared to be needy and controlling. You played the "friends" card and got upset because he agreed. Too much immaturity and drama. He wanted to meet later, you wanted to meet sooner, he was late, you were angry; power struggles. At this point, let him know that you cannot afford to meet his family next month. Continue to date and have fun. Give it time and see where the relationship goes. Three months in is too soon to be talking marriage. Choose your battles. don't sweat the small stuff. If he insists on being friends, decide what, if any, friendship you want with him. Stop playing games. They often backfire.
I agree with this post.
I also agree with Timberline - too much drama for being just 3 months into a relationship.
Last weekend, he went to the casino and I didn't get a reply from him for several hours to a question I'd asked about our plans the next day. I was having a rough day and I wanted to get some clarification about the question. Eventually he replied and we got in a little fight. But it wasn't a huge escalated thing. However, after a couple snarky messages back and forth he said "do you think we'll ever get over these communication issues?" I was pretty shocked that he put the relationship on the line like that and I responded "It sounds like you may just want to be friends, if that's the case I respect that." He asked to talk on the phone initially but then said "actually you know what? Let's just be friends." I was shocked. A week earlier, he'd asked me to go on an out-of-town on a trip together. He'd introduced me to his mom. The day before, we were having playful banter and making plans for the weekend. The next morning, I texted him and asked him if breaking up was what he really wanted. He said he "didn't know what he wanted" and he just didn't like our communication issues. I asked him to meet up to talk about it. He asked to push the meet up to later in the week. I insisted on meeting up that day (I didn't want to wait a week to talk about something that was tearing me up inside). When we finally met up, he was super late without letting me know. But during our meet up, he insisted he was interested in trying to work it out again. We worked out a plan to communicate better and since then (four days ago) things have been OK. He now wants me to book plane tickets to visit his family with him in a month to "move things along."
[
You are a drama instigator. You knew he is at the casino but you threw a fit because he took a few hours to respond to a non urgent question. If you needed an immediate response you should have called him.
Then you caused more drama by the "friends" statement - you pushed him into a corner and you got what you deserved, he snapped at you.
Don't break up with someone if you don't mean it. You may just get what you ask for.
You sound a bit like an entitled princess that always gets what she wants or she throws a tantrum.
Your actions to him not responding soon enough for you appeared to be needy and controlling. You played the "friends" card and got upset because he agreed. Too much immaturity and drama. He wanted to meet later, you wanted to meet sooner, he was late, you were angry; power struggles. At this point, let him know that you cannot afford to meet his family next month. Continue to date and have fun. Give it time and see where the relationship goes. Three months in is too soon to be talking marriage. Choose your battles. don't sweat the small stuff. If he insists on being friends, decide what, if any, friendship you want with him. Stop playing games. They often backfire.
The problem is, for whatever reason, he's not willing to "give it time". He's already blamed her for not agreeing to activities that would move the relationship along, so he's not going to be up for giving it time. He clearly has a timetable in mind; I don't know what the rush is, but maybe the OP should try to find out.
Or maybe they're just not compatible. Giving it time is reasonable, but isn't acceptable to him. He doesn't want to "see where the relationship goes" over time; he seems to want to lock it down ASAP; he wants it to go his way on his schedule. But why would he be in a rush, if he's concerned about communication problems and whatever little fights? Who rushes into whatever he has in mind--an engagement?--at 3 months, when there are these signs of difficulty, a somewhat rocky road?
Either they're incompatible, or neither one is mature enough for marriage to anyone, let alone each other. IDK.
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