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So I met this man online sometime in 2017. Not on a dating site, a site for friends. He reached out to me first. We both liked the conversation, eventually moved off the site and to a messenger app. We were both just going with the flow, having life conversations and whatever else came up. He is in North Carolina and I am in Massachusetts, but visits and has family who live only an hour away from me in Rhode Island.
We eventually exchange numbers. We confirm that we are both real people and not catfishes, lol. We make plans to meet up for first time after the first year of talking. It ended up not happening though because he fell ill. He profusely apologized and said that he would understand if I gave up on him. I chose not to as I really did like the guy and really wanted to see if it could go anywhere. He seemed shocked by this and thanked me for not giving up on him.
2018 ends, 2019 begins. We are still talking frequently and enjoying our conversations. We're both doing our own life things, but always seem to come back to talk to each other. We are having more phone conversations. We make plans in advance to meet up the next holiday season (December 2019-more on this later.) He expresses "not wanting to mess things up with me" and is just very sweet in general. Around September 2019, I decide to ask him what he actually wants from me, why he has kept in contact with me for this long. He says that he has always liked me, that we have been feeling each other out for quite some time, and that he was open to a long distance relationship.
I was a bit shocked, as I was not expecting him to be so straightforward about it. I was honestly happy though because I felt like there was finally some real clarity. No, we had not yet met in person when he expressed interest in a relationship...but I guess he just had a good feeling about things since we had been speaking to each other for a long time, having vulnerable conversations, etc. He opened up to me and told me that he saw himself marrying the last woman he had a relationship with, but she ended up cheating and living with another man while he was away in the Marines.
We obviously did not make things official though. I started asking questions, such as if he is speaking with other women, how he feels about opposite sex friends, etc. I thought it was a bit odd that he did not really have his own questions to ask, but kinda just shrugged my shoulders and went with it. I asked him why he never made it clear that he was seriously interested in me before...he said that he did not want to scare me away.
We naturally started to do all the "cutesy" things, like not wanting to be the first person to hang up the phone, etc. Even though we were a few months out from meeting each other at this point, I did feel a desire to get to know him on a deeper level. He was now going for his Bachelor's, had a heavy class load, and was on his campus for a large part of the weekdays. We still managed to text here and there throughout the day, and would have one phone coversation a week.
I decided to ask him for a little more of his time because I obviously couldn't really engage him in "deeper conversation" while he is busy at school. Also, our phone conversations usually took place about an hour before he would go to bed. He would be tidying up his apartment, running to the grocery store, sometimes cooking while on the phone with me. I just wanted to be able to also speak to him at a time when he was not doing other things simultaneously. He is definitely the active type, not really into sitting in one place for too long.
So anyway, the first time I ask him if he could make a little more time for me, he says I don't mean to be rude, but I have a life. I was taken aback by this response as it did in fact seem a bit rude LOL. I chose not to express this though and just said "okay." I did not want to rock the boat at the time. I really did want to have an open conversation about it, but felt immediately shut down.
I let go of it for a while, but I did end up mentioning it a few more times over the next few months. It turned into an argument about three different times. I would mention it, he would become irritated, then I would become upset, and things would escalate from there. I was honestly growing a bit frustrated, as he would never hear me out. He always shut down the conversation before it could really go anywhere.
I was extremely confused, as I did not understand why he would express interest in a long distance relationship, and then be so inflexible about spending a little more time talking to me. We had our last argument a few days before Christmas (and coincidentally a few days before our meeting day.) I was not planning on bringing anything up. We had been texting the evening before, and he had suddenly went MIA. I was admittedly a little annoyed by him not giving me a heads up, but none of us are perfect. I asked him what happened and he told me that he had went out drinking.
I didn't need a big apology or anything, even a quick "Oh yeah, sorry about that" would have been nice...but got nothing. I made a mention about not feeling important to him and I made sure not to phrase it in a way that would cause him to become defensive. He still did become defensive and said "So you need attention 24/7 or else you don't feel important?" I never said anything about wanting attention 24/7, so I was unsure as to where this came from. He also said that I was being "illogical."
I tried to explain why I generally did not feel important to him...things like him not being open to making just a little more time for me and dismissing my feelings. I felt that I was explaining this in a very gentle, yet open way, but he just seemed to grow more and more upset. He said that he thinks that I'm just jealous of his friends and family. I told him that this was untrue, but he would not let it go. He suddenly seemed very paranoid of my motives and intentions.
I eventually became very emotional, told him that I do not know why I bother trying to express my feelings to him, that I feel like crying because he judges my feelings so quickly and does not bother to ever try to see things from my perspective. I also said that maybe he will only understand if I stop making myself as available to him and treat him the way that he treats me. He responded by telling me that I'm "playing the victim and acting childish."
I was becoming so overwhelmed by all the accusations and trying to defend myself that I ended the conversation and told him to have a nice day. I tried to make contact with him the next day. I figured we would both be calmer at this time. He did not respond to me. The day of our meeting came and I decided to call him to try and figure out what was going on. He did not respond. He finally sent a singular text saying that he is cancelling the meeting.
I went into panic mode and basically pleaded with him not to do this. So he basically ignored for the few days leading up to our meeting day and chose to cancel on me the day of the meeting. I understand being angry about the argument, but it just seemed petty and inconsiderate to leave me hanging like that. We had this meeting planned for months, and just the week before, he was expressing how he doesn't know if he'll hug, kiss, or try to have his way with me first.
We're "okay" now, but I do not know what to make of this man and this situation. I'm not saying that I always brought things up perfectly. I never wanted to argue with him and I realize that I could have been the one to say "Hey, let's not continue arguing." This all started with me just trying to discuss something that was really bothering me, and feeling strongly enough about it to try and figure out ways to bring it up that won't make him mad. It seems like no matter how I bring it up, he reacts negatively. I feel like I will never be able to have an open discussion with him about this and will just have to take whatever he gives me. I honestly do feel defeated.
Was I crazy to ever try to ask for a little more of his time? I figured that it was appropriate since he expressed interest in a long distance relationship. I took that to mean that we were finally moving forward. I'm not even a needy woman, but he makes me feel like neediest woman alive LOL. He seems to think that I am wanting to take over his life or something. I am just trying to get a little closer, a little deeper with him. I don't know if he is just very protective of his time or what, but I am terrified to mention anything else about it. I feel a bit silly for allowing myself to develop an attachment to him, as I am now in a very vulnerable position. If I walk away, I'll be distraught. If he walks away, I'll be distraught.
I know this all sounds weird as hell, but please be nice lol.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 02-07-2020 at 10:09 AM..
Reason: Edited thread title.
It's really not that odd. You pretty much have a long-distance phone buddy who claims to want more but isn't putting in the effort. If I was in your shoes, I would question if he has a real gf in NC. You haven't even met this person. Whatever you guys have isn't real.
Seriously, the cost of a round trip plane ticket would be what, $150 ? There's a reason he didn't come to meet you for a weekend throughout 2018 and 2019, and it is the same reason he caused a fight out of thin air while he should have been throwing some clothes into a small suitcase.
No, it's not weird. He told you what he thought you wanted to hear, when you asked him what he wanted from you; he said "a long distance relationship". It was a lie, but it worked. It kept you on the hook. It kept you there, even when he was rude to you. The first time he was rude and declined to spend any more time on the phone with you, you should have ended the phoneship, if not after the "LDR" statement. How can someone know they want a relationship with someone they've never met? It's obviously a con.
OP, your story is littered with red flags and orange flags, but you keep ignoring them or excusing them away ("nobody's perfect", etc.) You need to finally get the message, and look around the area where you live, to find someone there to have conversations with, at the very least.
No, it's not weird. He told you what he thought you wanted to hear, when you asked him what he wanted from you; he said "a long distance relationship". It was a lie, but it worked. It kept you on the hook. It kept you there, even when he was rude to you. The first time he was rude and declined to spend any more time on the phone with you, you should have ended the phoneship, if not after the "LDR" statement. How can someone know they want a relationship with someone they've never met? It's obviously a con.
OP, your story is littered with red flags and orange flags, but you keep ignoring them or excusing them away ("nobody's perfect", etc.) You need to finally get the message, and look around the area where you live, to find someone there to have conversations with, at the very least.
Sigh, I hear you. I guess I'm the type who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them. He is a painfully logical person and prone to being blunt about things. I was always questioning myself as to if he is actually being rude or if I'm being sensitive and not used to a blunt person.
Sigh, I hear you. I guess I'm the type who tries to give people the benefit of the doubt and see the best in them. He is a painfully logical person and prone to being blunt about things. I was always questioning myself as to if he is actually being rude or if I'm being sensitive and not used to a blunt person.
This is a complete stranger you've only had internet and phone contact with. You don't even know if he is who he says he is, if he's single or married, what he really does for a living (he claims to be a student? How old is he? Have you done an background search for his name and his town, to see if there's anyone there by his name of the age he claims to be, and if he's listed as married?), or anything else.
But you're giving him the benefit of the doubt? That doesn't seem very wise. Especially since he's been rude to you, and clearly doesn't want to spend any time with you that doesn't involve multi-tasking.
Here's a question; if he has family one hour away from you, whom he visits fairly regularly, why have you two never met in person in the last 3 years? Presumably he's been to visit his family many times in that period, if said family one hour away from you really exists.
I don't even have to read it. The longer an initial post is describing a relationship problem, the more insoluble it is. Punt.
There is no relationship. That's the thing. And it seems like these "relationships" between strangers who have never met always do require the longest OP's to explain.
There is no relationship. That's the thing. And it seems like these "relationships" between strangers who have never met always do require the longest OP's to explain.
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