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I think this is a valid point. It's much harder for men to win sole custody than women. That's just a fact, and I think if it's not a red flag, it's definitely a bright yellow one.
I still read that as a yellow flag.
I think that if a Mom were actually IN A HOSPITAL for suicidal ideation, like here they'll lock you down for a week for that...and so Dad could go to court and be like, "Look, this could happen at any time, and what happens if she attempts suicide when my child is there..."
I do think that all things being equal, Moms might have some unfair advantage in the courts (such as the more common case of two perfectly fit parents fighting for custody)...but it's not absolute. And I've always agreed with men when we hear those cases about the crack-ho Mom keeping the kids and fathers not getting any rights...that's wrong, always has been, always will be. I've been divorced, and believe me the courts in my state absolutely put the needs of the kids FIRST. If a Mom is hospitalized for mental illness and the Dad is a fit (normal) parent, then yeah...he could easily end up with full custody.
But people, especially military members, can go through some tough times and I think it's reasonable that maybe she did, and maybe she's better. Some people have excellent results managing depression on meds.
And keep in mind, she said the daughter is now 13. Which means that in nearly any state, the question of who the daughter lives with is now up to the DAUGHTER if both parents are fit parents. Family court judges will always ask a 13 year old, "Who do you want to live with?" in that situation. So now, maybe she's years down the line and she's doing much better and that's great, but if the kid has bonded with Dad, is going to a school she likes, has friends, doesn't want to move...she wouldn't necessarily get her daughter back.
I mean, why should she?
Just to prove to guys she dates that she's a fit Mom, when the girl is perfectly happy living with Dad?
That doesn't even make sense.
OP, you can only judge this with your own two eyes. If you like her and you want to date her, I don't think you need to scuttle this yet, especially on the basis of assumptions from people on the internet, who don't know you, or your date.
Damn I'm really second guessing this whole thing now although she's been pretty great so far. Last thing I want is any kind of drama in my life right now.
Just seems she moves into relationships fast and furious. 2 kids from 2 different men.
Don't be #3 "dad"....
Just seems she moves into relationships fast and furious. 2 kids from 2 different men.
Don't be #3 "dad"....
The children are six years apart, though, which does make a difference. She was just twenty when she had the first child and she was left by the father of her second child that she had in her mid-twenties.
If the children were closer in age, I'd wonder a bit more. Also, given what I've seen with my friends who are/were in the military, young marriage and parenthood is fairly common as compared to the civilian population.
The children are six years apart, though, which does make a difference. She was just twenty when she had the first child and she was left by the father of her second child that she had in her mid-twenties.
If the children were closer in age, I'd wonder a bit more. Also, given what I've seen with my friends who are/were in the military, young marriage and parenthood is fairly common as compared to the civilian population.
My advice to our O.P. remains the same.
I second that. Military life is different than civilian life. They may also rush things more because they may still have the mindset life can be over at any moment.
So this girl and I had our second date this weekend. Went great and kissed afterwards. We've already made plans to see a hockey game this Friday and she plans to spend the night Friday night since it will be late when we get back and she lives an hour away. She possibly might stay the whole weekend since her parents are wanting to keep her son the entire weekend since they haven't seen him in a couple months. A little fast for me but I wouldn't mind the company. She wants to get up Saturday morning and go for a run which is something I had been planning to get back into which I thought was pretty cool.
Anyone have an opinion on this?
It sounds like you really like her and that this could be a potential relationship. My red flag is the staying the whole weekend after only 2 dates, and 1 kiss. OP, you do know there will be sex, right? Okay, just checking if you are "ready" to take it to that next level. Don't fast forward this out of loneliness.
She can't take an Uber home?
Just something to consider. You've only been on 2 dates, and you also have some legitimate concerns about her previous mental state. Use protection!!
There is no Uber in my town. There are some in the next town over but the uber would have to come 30 minutes in the opposite direction to pick her up to where she will be going.
I'm about to text her that I would still like her to spend the night Friday but I want to slow things down. I'm not going to lie I haven't had sex since September last year when me and my ex broke up. I think it's been a few months for her too so I know it's going to be hard not to but I'm going to try. I do have protection just in case.
I think that if a Mom were actually IN A HOSPITAL for suicidal ideation, like here they'll lock you down for a week for that...and so Dad could go to court and be like, "Look, this could happen at any time, and what happens if she attempts suicide when my child is there..."
I do think that all things being equal, Moms might have some unfair advantage in the courts (such as the more common case of two perfectly fit parents fighting for custody)...but it's not absolute. And I've always agreed with men when we hear those cases about the crack-ho Mom keeping the kids and fathers not getting any rights...that's wrong, always has been, always will be. I've been divorced, and believe me the courts in my state absolutely put the needs of the kids FIRST. If a Mom is hospitalized for mental illness and the Dad is a fit (normal) parent, then yeah...he could easily end up with full custody.
But people, especially military members, can go through some tough times and I think it's reasonable that maybe she did, and maybe she's better. Some people have excellent results managing depression on meds.
And keep in mind, she said the daughter is now 13. Which means that in nearly any state, the question of who the daughter lives with is now up to the DAUGHTER if both parents are fit parents. Family court judges will always ask a 13 year old, "Who do you want to live with?" in that situation. So now, maybe she's years down the line and she's doing much better and that's great, but if the kid has bonded with Dad, is going to a school she likes, has friends, doesn't want to move...she wouldn't necessarily get her daughter back.
I mean, why should she?
Just to prove to guys she dates that she's a fit Mom, when the girl is perfectly happy living with Dad?
That doesn't even make sense.
OP, you can only judge this with your own two eyes. If you like her and you want to date her, I don't think you need to scuttle this yet, especially on the basis of assumptions from people on the internet, who don't know you, or your date.
Yeah, it's hard to say for sure.
It sounds like she's being up front, and if so, that's a positive. I know I'm biased, but I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who had kids, especially 2 kids from 2 different relationships. Even if she's stable now, it would be too much baggage for me. But maybe it's fine for our OP.
Yes, people have problems, and sure, some people can be cynical. But certain benchmarks are meant to be red flags FOR A REASON.
Losing custody your children?
Being suicidal?
Psych hospitalization?
All of those are HUGE problems that, frankly, not everyone goes through. And just because she told you about it (by the second date) doesn't lessen their seriousness.
You don't know that she's so honest or if she's just one of those women who has verbal diarrhea and tells everyone she spends more than a few minutes with about the trauma in her life. What one person might call "cynical," another person would call "wise."
Why subject yourself to all of that if you don't HAVE to?
Look, you already know you're gonna have sex when she spends the night. So just go forward knowing that it's gonna take a LOT to deal with her and her problems, and once you go too far down that road it'll take a lot more to not become one of her problems.
There is no Uber in my town. There are some in the next town over but the uber would have to come 30 minutes in the opposite direction to pick her up to where she will be going.
I'm about to text her that I would still like her to spend the night Friday but I want to slow things down. I'm not going to lie I haven't had sex since September last year when me and my ex broke up. I think it's been a few months for her too so I know it's going to be hard not to but I'm going to try. I do have protection just in case.
Slow the heck down.
Just keep things moving smoothly when she’s there. 95% of this is in your head - allowing the paranoid class in this forum to dump fuel on that fire isn’t healthy.
Take things for face value when they happen in actual reality, not all the “what if” dumb thoughts.
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