Husband's unemployment: (married, woman, love, therapy)

[Chanteuse d' Opéra]

TRIGGER: husband’s unemployment (this is a novel so please get your popcorn ready)

BACKGROUND HISTORY:
My husband & I have been married for almost 8 years. He is from Spain, I'm from US. He came here & got a degree from a University here (he's the 1st person in his family to get a degree). He's a good guy don't get me wrong, he didn't know the language, I get along w/ his family. But his issue has always been unemployment. He wanted to get into Physical Therapy but had no degree so he decided to get one with my full, unwavering support (paying for classes, books, materials, etc.)

Long story short: he graduated Summa *** Laude in August from a local university. Went back to Spain for 3 months to visit his family. Has been back since November 6 & has been unable to find a job (granted December/January is tough to find jobs **I'm assuming**) for the past 3 months...he is incredibly stubborn, only wants to work in his field (Healthcare) He has NEVER worked in a white-collar, professional job in Spain OR in the United States.

He refused an Interview Coach/Healthcare recruiter & instead only sends applications from our couch & has been "studying" interviews on YouTube & online...


CURRENTLY:
I’ve had a grown up/glow up moment:

So this post is basically about my husband seeking employment & how his behavior was after being advised by my family (all of whom have successful career track records) he didn’t want ANY of our help writing resumes/cover letters/references. After several arguments w/him & myself being in therapy I guess this is my breakthrough.

Either he will find a job that he dislikes (he’s the kind of person who finds fault in everything) & will say he wants to relocate back to his small town in Spain where there is rampant unemployment. **i say this because I highly doubt he will want a divorce (if he does, color me shocked)** or he will find a job he loves & be humbled. But it goes without saying that the chips will fall where they may.

It’s not my issue to deal with a 43 year old grown ass, unemployed man who thinks he knows it all & doesn’t want any help . My strength should be directed toward my child & self improvement/self care.

I am becoming more at peace with the idea that maybe one day we will eventually separate. But until then, I have to see if he is in fact employable or unemployable & again, let the chips fall where they may...

If you got this far, thanks for reading my novel & if you have any words of encouragement I will take them.

EDIT: he is skipping the Career Fair on Monday held by his alma mater because his career counselor didn't approve his Resume. I'm at a loss for words...how can he be so complacent?

[Sassybluesy]

Sometimes it really does a number on a person's psyche when they lose their job, and go through application after application, after application, interviews interviews and more interviews. A person can start to take it personally, and then they get afraid of trying.


Maybe it's not complacency...maybe it's fear of failure? He can't fail if he doesn't try. Just a thought.

[Chanteuse d' Opéra]

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

Sometimes it really does a number on a person's psyche when they lose their job, and go through application after application, after application, interviews interviews and more interviews. A person can start to take it personally, and then they get afraid of trying.


Maybe it's not complacency...maybe it's fear of failure? He can't fail if he doesn't try. Just a thought.

This is very true. My grandmother mentioned it to me that it's possibly fear of failure....especially since he's had no professional experience working period....he's only done blue-collar jobs (& there's nothing wrong w/ that either of course)

[picardlx]

I think you have the right mindset about possibly leaving. Some people don't want to appear helpless and accept other peoples help so it could be that.

But at same time, if he has family to support (and I include child in that statement even if your daughter or son isn't his biologically), then he should change his ways and accept that help. Heck, there are people with masters degrees working at Starbucks -- because sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Just before the housing crash, I was driven to class one evening by a cab driver who had a PhD in chemistry (or physics -- cant remember). It was just a tough job market at the time. Your husband wouldn't be the first person.

[The Dissenter]

Originally Posted by Sassybluesy

Sometimes it really does a number on a person's psyche when they lose their job, and go through application after application, after application, interviews interviews and more interviews. A person can start to take it personally, and then they get afraid of trying.


Maybe it's not complacency...maybe it's fear of failure? He can't fail if he doesn't try. Just a thought.

What you are saying is true. However, a sense of duty should override that feeling as an adult. I went through it right after I finished my Masters and couldn’t get traction in getting out my prior industry. It took me six months but I got a job in my field. I think OP’s husband has a bad case of pride and needs to get over it and get something to take the financial weight off of his woman.

[Chanteuse d' Opéra]

Originally Posted by picardlx

I think you have the right mindset about possibly leaving. Some people don't want to appear helpless and accept other peoples help so it could be that.

But at same time, if he has family to support (and I include child in that statement even if your daughter or son isn't his biologically), then he should change his ways and accept that help. Heck, there are people with masters degrees working at Starbucks -- because sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Just before the housing crash, I was driven to class one evening by a cab driver who had a PhD in chemistry (or physics -- cant remember). It was just a tough job market at the time. Your husband wouldn't be the first person.

We do have a little baby boy together (he turned 1 on the 25th) his thing is I think he ***only*** wants to work in Healthcare but refuses to do anything else (& doesn't accept help because he thinks HIS way is the best way, which isn't how it works. He wants to do things how he did them in his little town in Spain which isn't how it works in Houston, TX, USA....

He seems depressed bc he isn't getting callbacks but he doesn't want to accept help..I'm wondering if he is just going to hit rock bottom & explode...

[Chanteuse d' Opéra]

Originally Posted by The Dissenter

What you are saying is true. However, a sense of duty should override that feeling as an adult. I went through it right after I finished my Masters and couldn’t get traction in getting out my prior industry. It took me six months but I got a job in my field. I think OP’s husband has a bad case of pride and needs to get over it and get something to take the financial weight off of his woman.

I'm inclined to agree...

[BirdieBelle]

OP, I remember your threads about this man, from the very beginning. It's never been easy, and at times it's been really bad.

I'm not sure what you think is going to happen. He's shown you very clearly, all along, the kind of person he is. You've known about his traditional traits, his "machismo," etc and were annoyed by them at first but now appear to be growing weary.

What exactly are you expecting to change?

You've done more than your share here, and you appear to have unwavering optimism about this relationship. But I also remember that you said your husband is VERY opposed to divorce.

So what are your realistic options, especially now that there is a child in the equation?

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by The Dissenter

What you are saying is true. However, a sense of duty should override that feeling as an adult. I went through it right after I finished my Masters and couldn’t get traction in getting out my prior industry. It took me six months but I got a job in my field. I think OP’s husband has a bad case of pride and needs to get over it and get something to take the financial weight off of his woman.

Yeah...pride can be a big factor. And probably IS a factor here. Especially if everyone in YOUR family is dishing advice, and trying to tell him what to do. (If I'm understanding that correctly.) But yes, I agree, he needs to do what it takes, and if it means driving a cab, or flipping burgers, or signing with a temp agency...than just do it. He should try and do his part to provide toward the household one way or the other.

[ellie]

I think your instinct to let him figure it out himself is correct. As long as you can manage on your income, just continue doing as you’ve been doing.

Don’t say anything else about it. If you must, separate from him. Don’t burn bridges. Maybe this spring he’ll find work.