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Hey guys, I'd like to get some opinions on what's going on between me and a girl I like.
We met at university more than 1 year ago and, after getting in my group of friends, she started showing some small signs of interest (at least, according to some friends of mine). Initially, I didn't even think she could have been interested, but one day, after a few weeks of light texting (during which I started getting into her), at the end of our classes, as we were walking home together, she asked me if I wanted to take a walk with her. I agreed and she brought me to the lakeside, we sat on a pier and spent the whole afternoon there, chatting & joking together. This lakeside is a peculiar place of our town, it's got some piers and it's a common chill-out place for young guys and girls, and everyone in our town knows that a boy and a girl who sit there, side by side, are most likely a couple (in fact, my friends were cheering me and wishing me good luck after I told them about this "date"). So I think you now understand why this was basically the episode that made me think I had a chance with her.
For the following 4 months, we kept hanging out together in similar situations. Very often, she was the one who showed the desire of spending some time together. One night we went out for a drink with some friends, and from the moment we started talking together we completely isolated ourselves from the others, and I could hear our friends murmuring about the two of us being a couple.
Then we both left for our holidays, and since she spends the whole summer in her country of origin, we didn't see each other for 3 months. After we met again at university in October, I asked her out "officially" (i.e. I tried to set up a real date, not the usual hanging out after classes) but she rejected me. At this point, I stopped thinking about her and got over it, but her behaviour towards me didn't change at all, she kept wanting to hang out with me, we went to that seaside again, etc. But her rejection had made me think I was just a friend for her, so I gave no importance to these events.
Since the last time we hanged out together (early December) we've never texted each other frequently, just once or twice (I don't like texting anyone just for the sake of doing it, and she doesn't either).
But after 2 months of zero contacts (during which I didn't meet her even once - we don't study in the same university anymore), a few days ago I got a text from her in which she basically asked me out. She invited me to grab something to eat together, I accepted and we set up a date and place, so we ended up seeing each other last Saturday. We got a snack together, then went for a walk, and spent the afternoon together.
We're both 22 and neither of us has been in a relationship before. I'm quite shy so since her rejection I've been afraid of showing my interest again. She's a shy girl as well, very insecure, with low self-esteem, but she's one of the kindest and most polite girls I've ever met. She most definitely is not an "attention wh**e".
I know her closest friends, and I'm pretty sure there's no male friend of hers with which she went out one-on-one so often.
Now I basically don't know what to think. Is she being friendly or could there be any kind of romantic interest? What should I do?
I think I don't have any chance with her anymore, but a friend of mine keeps saying the opposite.
Thanks for reading this long story, I'm curious to read your thoughts & opinions! Have a nice day
When you like someone, stay in contact. This "I don't like texting anyone just for the sake of doing it" is a mistake. Going 2 months without contact is the worst thing you can do. And I'm not saying to text her 17 times a day with mindless drivel.
Well, from my experience long ago, I figured out that you have to make a move at some point. If you hang out a bunch of times, and never make a move, the girl just considers you a friend or feels that you aren't really interested. I feel like with most girls there is a window. If you are interested in something more than friends, you have to take that step. Girls like confidence.
Once that window is open and you don't show interest in being more than friends, most girls seem to move on. Right now, it just looks like she sees you as a friend.
"She basically asked me out" Are you sure she saw this as a date or just two friends hanging out? I'd consider it normal on a good first date for a kiss to take place, certainly by the second date. If this hasn't happened, then I'm not sure I'd call it a date. Most first dates I went on if there was no kiss at some point, then most likely there was no second date.
You have to make a choice. Do you want to keep hanging out with this girl as friends, or do you want to date her? If you want to date her, you have to go for it. See if she'll hold hands, tell her you want to kiss her, etc. If she doesn't, then she sees you just as a friend. Then you have to decide if you want to continue these long afternoons together with no prospect of dating or move on.
When you like someone, stay in contact. This "I don't like texting anyone just for the sake of doing it" is a mistake. Going 2 months without contact is the worst thing you can do. And I'm not saying to text her 17 times a day with mindless drivel.
I see. This is something I don't totally understand, though. What am I supposed to say in a text, then? I mean, my best friend has been living many miles away from me since 2 years, and I've only called/texted him 5 or 6 times. When he comes to visit me, our long-lasting friendship is totally unaffected and it feels like we've been seeing each other every day.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXRunner
Well, from my experience long ago, I figured out that you have to make a move at some point. If you hang out a bunch of times, and never make a move, the girl just considers you a friend or feels that you aren't really interested. I feel like with most girls there is a window. If you are interested in something more than friends, you have to take that step. Girls like confidence.
Once that window is open and you don't show interest in being more than friends, most girls seem to move on. Right now, it just looks like she sees you as a friend.
"She basically asked me out" Are you sure she saw this as a date or just two friends hanging out? I'd consider it normal on a good first date for a kiss to take place, certainly by the second date. If this hasn't happened, then I'm not sure I'd call it a date. Most first dates I went on if there was no kiss at some point, then most likely there was no second date.
You have to make a choice. Do you want to keep hanging out with this girl as friends, or do you want to date her? If you want to date her, you have to go for it. See if she'll hold hands, tell her you want to kiss her, etc. If she doesn't, then she sees you just as a friend. Then you have to decide if you want to continue these long afternoons together with no prospect of dating or move on.
I totally get what you want to say, I've been way too slow and scared, although in the past I had started making some gradual physical contact that she seemed to like. One of the reasons is that one day she told me she hates being in the center of attention and she feels awkward in "intimate" situations, even with her family members. She told me that on her birthday her sister hugged her and gave her a present, and she was in such discomfort that she didn't know how to react. She didn't even hug her back! I immediately thought that if she didn't like being hugged by her sister, she probably would feel even more awkward if I tried to hug her/kiss her on her cheek/hold her hand, etc.
I immediately thought that if she didn't like being hugged by her sister, she probably would feel even more awkward if I tried to hug her/kiss her on her cheek/hold her hand, etc.
Soooooo ... what's the goal, then?
If she is interested in you romantically and isn't asexual, what is going to happen if you're too shy to make a move and she's confused by affection??
At some point, you two need to get out of your own way and just figure out what humans have figured out for centuries.
There's nothing wrong with the so-called "friend zone." That's just called "being friends." It's when you have some kind of hidden romantic/sexual agenda she knows nothing about and expect her to read your mind that it becomes a negative thing. So, don't have a hidden agenda and just either show you're interested in her, or enjoy the platonic friendship for what it is. (If her company is of no value to you unless the two of you are romantically involved and/or you get into her pants, I'd question whether her company is of value to you at all. Either you like her as a person, or you don't.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by appanculo
I see. This is something I don't totally understand, though. What am I supposed to say in a text, then? I mean, my best friend has been living many miles away from me since 2 years, and I've only called/texted him 5 or 6 times. When he comes to visit me, our long-lasting friendship is totally unaffected and it feels like we've been seeing each other every day.
But you're not romantically-interested in this guy, right? (And not even all platonic friendships work with that sporadic of contact.)
And no, don't try to hug her or kiss her or hold her hand until you have made your feelings clear. That's not something you do out of the blue; that's what you do once you both already know you both have beyond-platonic feelings for each other.
But he now thinks again that she may be interested. And rather than all of us having to guess at the motives of a stranger based on someone else's descriptions of her behavior, maybe he should simply ask her out again and see what she says. Or ask what are her feelings for him.
But he now thinks again that she may be interested. And rather than all of us having to guess at the motives of a stranger based on someone else's descriptions of her behavior, maybe he should simply ask her out again and see what she says. Or ask what are her feelings for him.
I'm thinking that maybe where she's from, formal "dating" is considered old-fashioned or too formal, or something, and hanging out is the thing. Maybe that's what she's comfortable with. Maybe she's into "let's just hang out, and see where it goes", rather than making a declaration of feelings or putting labels on the process they're in.
To him, it looks like friend-zoning, but to her, it may be a low-key, no-pressure getting-to-know-each-other with the hopeful goal of easing into a romance. I've heard, for example, this is a thing in Sweden. No one uses the word "date". Everything is more subtle. (Unless there's alcohol involved. A whole different scenario.) OP, try just going with the flow.
Only then, you will know. But hurry up! From what I have read, you need to make a move like yesterday.
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