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There was another SAHM post recently so I titled this one with the general idea of the thread.
I am currently a SAHM to an almost 5-year-old with autism and an almost 2-year-old with a speech delay but no other apparent delays. They're unique and beautiful...had to get that part out of the way first just so you'd know.
I also have a 21-year-old, but he doesn't live in the home.
I worked outside the home, 40-hour weeks, for 18 years. I'm home now primarily because with all the special needs running around here, somebody needs to deal with it all, especially logistically, and it turned out to be me because while I found a job first, my DH found a much higher paying job shortly thereafter. We had decided that one of us would be staying home and it ended up being me due to the money.
It's been three years now that I've been home. I take care of the household and I also freelance write/edit to bring in a few pennies and to just sort of stay "in the game".
Am I the only SAHM on earth who isn't loving it? I don't stand around a fence chumming it up with the other moms. I don't send the kids off to school in the morning with an "ahhhhhhhhhhh" and sit down with a cup of coffee. I feel like things are more up in the air for me. Even while freelancing, I'm constantly being pulled away. My kids, though darling, are incredibly high-maintenance. Seriously high-maintenance. They also don't get along at all. There are not enough hugs and kisses in a day from me to make either of them feel secure that I haven't stopped loving that particular one, apparently. I want so badly for them to love each other. The jealousy is absolutely unbelievable...I've never seen two kids more jealous of one another.
I'm very, very tired. These past two days I've been very burned out (which is why you see me on here). Typically I'm literally cleaning up spills and messes all day...I mean it, all day. I'm talking two or three major messes an hour no matter how I try to run after them. It's not even the running around itself, though. It's more constantly having to have my hands in other people's dirt, sh*t, messes. Everyone leaves sh*t for me and just wanders away. I feel like a nothing. I feel like a nobody. 18 years of a career and at least half a brain and this is what I'm doing????
My autistic son also shrieks a high-pitched shriek perhaps 6-7 times an hour, but sometimes he has a run on it where he'll literally shriek-shriek-shriek-shriek every two to three seconds for 10 or 15 minutes. I literally jump out of my skin each time. When it happens in public, people turn to look. On the school bus, the other children cover their ears. But it ends for them. Not for me.
I'm never out of this f*cking house except to do a f*cking chore or errand (speech therapy, special classes, the geneticist, picking up diapers at the store, whatever). (I'm feeling this more because we did in fact get away, out of the house, but even on vacation, which was wonderful, I had to follow and clean, follow and bathe, follow and wipe a butt, follow and wipe a nose, follow and pick up pieces of a game strewn everywhere, follow and separate two fighting children; do dishes...wipe windows goobered all over...etc., etc., etc., etc.).
I just tried to eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Of course I couldn't. The kids both had to have a bite. I have literally not eaten a complete meal of my own, or a meal without fingers in it, and yelling, and yanking on me, and begging...or being interrupted by fighting, an accident or screaming, in almost five years.
I'm sure it all ties in with feeling isolated...still not really having made great friends out here yet, and still not loving the area, and now knowing that a full six months of unbearable heat coming up, one and a half of them with no school and the kids scratching each other to death all day....
I'm just feeling burned out.
No matter how many times I clean something, it will be sh*tted up in two seconds.
No matter how many times I wipe one butt, another (our autistic son still isn't completely potty trained yet) will be waiting for me shortly.
No matter how many dishes I wash, they'll be filthy again in two seconds.
No matter how many times I vacuum, something tiny and multiple--like popcorn--will invade it in two seconds.
No matter how much freelancing I do...it will never even be one tenth of what my DH makes.
Oh, I stated something wrong there. I said "In the past five years I haven't..." It's actually only the past three years, I don't know where my head was. After my almost five-year-old (autistic) son was born I worked for almost two years, before moving here and the rest was in the previous post.
I guess what I was thinking of in this thread is how burned out I've been feeling, how I feel like I'm not performing lately as well as a mother--when you have special needs children, literally every moment is some sort of therapy or lesson, even or especially at home, and I've been slacking these past few days. But then there was that thread about spoiled SAHMs and I decided I'd post my woes on here so another side of the coin might be seen. Granted my kids aren't grown and I don't have a housekeeper but it can be hard for a working person to truly understand what it is to have nothing, not a thing all day or all night, or all weekend, or on a holiday or, well...ever, that's just your own.
My husband works in Beverly Hills and now he's in Universal City at a meeting and he's jet setting here and there and when his day is done...that's it, whew, it's done. This job is never done and even though children are wonderful, I can't believe how much tougher it is to be at home than at work. I can say that with confidence because I have done both.
My heart goes out to you JerZ!!! Its hard enough with kids as it is but all of the special needs to go along with them? Wow, I feel your frustration. Do you ever get out by yourself after DH gets home? Do you have people you can hire to help out sometimes when the going really gets rough?
First of all, I send you a zillion hugs from a fellow SAHM who occasionally HATES this job!!!!!!!!!!!
While I don't have a special needs child, I SOOOOOOOO understand the feelings of 'is this really what being a SAHM is?????' We adopted two little girls (2 years apart) from Russia, the first when I was 45. I had worked full-time all my life and I so looked forward to being a stay at home mom. After the first exhileration of having our first child home (she was 8 months old when she came home,) I felt this sense of total isolation. I had to force myself to get out and be with other people. Then I also had to figure out how to deal with being financially dependent on somebody (this had NEVER happened to me in my life.) I felt bad spending any money at all on anything but essentials and it took me several years of my husband convincing me that the money he made was OUR money, not just his, before I felt comfortable not making money. And I can't say I'm fully comfortable with it now (I'd like to buy a few more things for myself occasionally, instead of for everybody else .)
I was finally getting used to the SAHM life, I made several good friends, and got into a good rhythm. Then daughter #2 came home and it all changed. She was 12 months when she came home and my older daughter was 3. Life was absolute and total hell here for months on end. They were so intensely jealous of each other that they'd crawl up me to see who could get closer to my face. If the other got in the way, they'd scratch, bite, hit, anything to get closer to my face. I was going nuts all day at home. I cried for weeks. My husband was traveling a lot at that time and he has told me that he was thankful to be able to leave the house. Our younger daughter had a very hard time adjusting to life outside an orphanage and that meant crying a lot, not sleeping, not eating, and generally being very unsettled. She also had intestinal parasites which caused explosive diarrhea many times a day on and off for 10 months before it was finally diagnosed. So I was dealing with jealous kids, absent husband, cleaning up sh*t continually (also older daughter regressed with potty training, so she was also in diapers,) trying to keep up the house, etc etc etc. I truly hated my life for a while.
That was almost 3 years ago. Life is much easier now that both girls are in preschool and I have a few moments to myself. Hubby's not traveling as much and I'm working part time at the girls' preschool (it pays for one girl's tuition and gives me a teeny tiny bit of spending money.) Just that little bit of working has made a huge difference to me asfar as my self-worth and demeanor goes. It's so nice to have comraderie with friends/coworkers again. I really missed that as a SAHM. I am also taking computer graphics classes. Before I started the parttime work and the classes, I felt pretty worthless and like a servent/maid/sh*t cleaner and nothing else. Just the other day, for the first time ever since our first daughter came home 5 years ago, my husband admitted that I have by far the harder job.
You definitely have a harder job with a child with special needs. My situation does not compare to yours because, despite the difficult early months, neither is now special needs. That makes your situation much tougher than mine was/is. Is there some kind of support group for parents of autistic kids where you live now? Or a yahoo group that might put you in touch with other moms/dads of autistic kids? Do you get to take a break on your own ever? I found that to be absolutely vital to my mental health. I'm also making the girls do more and more cleaning (the younger one LOVES to clean, thank goodness.)
I think the most important thing is that YOU get time to yourself. Does your hubby work long hours? Is there a night every week that he can let you just do what you want to do without having family duties? That would also mean that he is responsible for dinner, cleanup and bedtime. I occasionally go into the guest room (where my scrapbooking stuff is) and nobody is allowed to come in or even talk to me. I would have preferred it if I had a set night that I knew would be my alone night every week, but because of my husband's job, it was impossible to set a particular night. But the times I did disappear into 'my room' rejuvenated me and allowed me to delve into the sh*t-filled diapers with renewed vigor.
Again, I'm sending you a zillion empathetic hugs.
PS Despite how I feel/felt about all the difficulties, like I'm sure you do, I completely and totally adore my kids.
I was finally getting used to the SAHM life, I made several good friends, and got into a good rhythm. Then daughter #2 came home and it all changed. She was 12 months when she came home and my older daughter was 3. Life was absolute and total hell here for months on end. They were so intensely jealous of each other that they'd crawl up me to see who could get closer to my face. If the other got in the way, they'd scratch, bite, hit, anything to get closer to my face. I was going nuts all day at home. I cried for weeks. My husband was traveling a lot at that time and he has told me that he was thankful to be able to leave the house. Our younger daughter had a very hard time adjusting to life outside an orphanage and that meant crying a lot, not sleeping, not eating, and generally being very unsettled. She also had intestinal parasites which caused explosive diarrhea many times a day on and off for 10 months before it was finally diagnosed. So I was dealing with jealous kids, absent husband, cleaning up sh*t continually (also older daughter regressed with potty training, so she was also in diapers,) trying to keep up the house, etc etc etc. I truly hated my life for a while.
I've read about many people having similar problems with kids taken from orphanages... Thankfully, yours at least went away.
I think we need to take the kids to the sitter and get our pole on. You know, all this stripper talk has got me thinking we could generate some good money... and all we have to do is swing around a few times...oh and maybe take a few clothes off!
Sorry you've got me acting very silly over here. On a seeerious note. Yes I've been there, mine are 5 and 3. Since I started meditating and focusing in on my breath, I'm a much happier person. As a matter of fact, I am the happiest I have been in my entire life and tomorrow will be better than today!
Music always makes me feel good
In the words of Mary J Blige's Just Fine
Sing it with me!
Let it go, can't let this thing called love get away from you. Feel free right now go and do what you wanna do. Can't let nobody take it away from you.
No time for moping around are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning
Gonna live my life feels so good to get it right, See I like what I see when I'm looking at me, when I'm walk'n past a mirror See I won't change my life, my life's just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine...
OK Jerz, I'm in a more grounded mood to answer your post.
Rereading my above post has led me to believe that I may have had one or two...many imaginary shots of tequila. *hiccup*
It's funny because for the last few days I have been on the computer far more than usual, because I am home sick. (I usually have a life...seriously)
*cough, cough*
Anyway I told my daughter today that it's really hard for me to be a mom right now because I'm sick. She came back with "well it's really hard for me to be a kid right now too" She's got a point, doesn't she? I think we as parent's get wrapped up in the tasks of the day and we neglect the most enjoyable part of parenting. Leading, guiding and emulating the way for the future enhabitant's of the earth. What precious Beings they are, they've only been on this earth for just a few short years, how new it must be for them.
We are mothers, we are nuturers, we are the only source of unconditional love they have (father's too of course) I was reading my book the other day and she said "can you read all those words?" Her mother is pretty amazing to her. We are their world right now, let us be at peace with ourselves and enjoy this gift of motherhood that comes directly from the Divine.
Oh my 3 year old said, "mom I'm done being 3, I'm going to be 6 now" Sometimes I feel like that in the stage of life that I'm in. I say "OK God I'm ready to move on now." Wanting to fast forward through the rough spots, but then I don't capture the lessons that come with traveling through the valleys. Peace is not in future moments, future moments never come, peace is in the now.
I am lucky to live around other mom's who complain . I think being a SAHM is the hardest job anyone could do. It wasn't for me; so Iw ent back to work with a very flexible job. I am very lucky.
That said; I think most women feel at one time or another that being a SAHM sucks! You never get time off, you are 'on' all the time and you are at the kids disposal. It's nuts. You shouldn't feel like there is something wrong, this is natural!!
Oh, wow now I do not feel like the monster anymore I understand whwere you are all coming from. I am so tired all of the time(of course being pregnant is most of that) DH works graveyards, thus my schedual is like 24 hours, have to be up for my DS during the day then doing chored at night so I do not wake up my husband. I really understand the isolated part I ahve not made any friends since we moved here last december and DH is trying to get a transfer or find a new job so that we can be in Oregon ( Oregon is his life long dream) I am normaly happy and full of life, but right now I am just exhausted and getting crabby. I feel rotten because as hard as I try not to I ahve been short with my son and this really hurts. Oh and getting out for me is running to the grocery store or a drs apoointment, then coming home to find DH has hyped DS on junk or has not worked with him on potty training Thanks for the rant evryone, blessings to all and of course take care of your selves.
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somebody needs to deal with it all, especially logistically, and it turned out to be me because while I found a job first, my DH found a much higher paying job shortly thereafter. We had decided that one of us would be staying home and it ended up being me due to the money. 
I don't stand around a fence chumming it up with the other moms. I don't send the kids off to school in the morning with an "ahhhhhhhhhhh" and sit down with a cup of coffee. I feel like things are more up in the air for me. Even while freelancing, I'm constantly being pulled away. My kids, though darling, are incredibly high-maintenance. Seriously high-maintenance. They also don't get along at all. There are not enough hugs and kisses in a day from me to make either of them feel secure that I haven't stopped loving that particular one, apparently. 
.) 
.
