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It should not take 2 years for a divorce to happen. If I were Emily I would not move anywhere, especially to co-habitate with Ben, whose divorce is still not final. Until that divorce is final, I would stay put, to be on the safe side.
There will always be the risk of Ben's ex-wife moving to another place, and different visitation terms being put in place. But that can happen any time/any where, and he needs to go on living his life, and it is great that he loves and wants to see his children. But sometimes ex-spouses do more; it happens
The way I read this post, Emily is single and childless. The OP did not mention her having kids - only Ben has children. I am picturing a younger couple, maybe early 30's living in smaller towns, but I could be way off.
If it were me, I would wait to hear what Ben's intentions really are. Does he intend to marry Emily and is he willing and financially and physically able to also have children with her? We do not know the ages of this couple nor whether additional children are in the plans. Perhaps they are older and beyond child-bearing ages. Maybe she doesn't want them. Are Emily and Ben looking for marriage or not? This should be known by this time.
Is Emily able to telecommute? What type of work does she do? Will there be transfer opportunities to Ben's town? The OP mentions that her job is "based" in her hometown so it sounds like no telecommuting. What about new job possibilities? Are there a lot of layoffs/furloughs due to COV-19 in either place? How big is Ben's town, population-wise? Could Emily rent out her property at a decent rate if she chooses to move-in with Ben? Can she rent the home out at a high enough rate to cover repairs, etc.?
There are too many unknowns, like ages of the people involved, the reason the divorce has not happened yet after all this time, and information about the populations of the towns, and the availability of employment opportunities.
Hopefully the OP will come back with more information.
According to her other post, she has a 9 year old son. And, Emily is only separated from her husband (not divorced yet), for one year. Emily's ex cheated on her, as did Ben's ex. I am just wondering what all the exes are going to say about Emily and Ben raising their kids. This sounds like a rebound relationship for both her and Ben, and I would advise to slow down and take things a bit more cautiously and seriously and not be so impulsive (moving in so soon, blending two families, probably have to sell someone's house)
"I have a part time nanny although she only does one afternoon a week for me now. Or did before we entered lockdown.
We took her on 5 years ago and she has been great for my 9 year old son who she loves like her own. I separated from my husband in April 2019. During this time, my nanny also got sick with ulcerative colitis. But she stuck around to support my son and I admit, I leaned on her heavily. I texted her most days and we supported each other. Surprisingly to me, although I was devastated when my ex and I split (He cheated), I met someone amazing just months later. We have been together ever since and it has been truly wonderful. He is amazing with my child and we have spent lockdown all together. This is our longest time we have all spent together and it could not be going any better.
When I met my partner, I tried to reduce my reliance on my nanny emotionally but did the same with other friends and family too
My nanny said this hurt her and I said I was sorry. Since then, things have not been good. I have struggled to cope with single parenting and organization. My ex was better at all that. So admittedly there has been times when I have canceled last minute and had to change plans. Again, this annoyed her and she got mad despite me saying I was going through a tough time.
Anyway, I am now pretty sure she plans to not come back to nanny for me and as I have been able to work from home, I most likely wont need her anyway. I haven't got in touch with her since March and she hasn't with me either. Would it be okay to just not say anything and wait until she contacts me (if she even does)? I don't know how to approach this."
I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that thread over here Daffodil? Seems a little odd.
I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship when we have been together nearly 2 years and things are getting better all the time, especially since we have been together for lockdown.
I am 38 and my partner is 50. We both have kids, he has a 20 year old and an 18 year old who live full time with him, I have a 9 year old.
My job is based in my hometown and cannot locate elsewhere. I am hoping I can work remotely but unsure as to whether this is a possibility yet. I share 50/50 childcare with my ex who lives 5 minutes away.
I may be able to rent out my place, yes.
The divorce has been a complicated one which is why it has taken so long.
Both our town's have a lot of employment opportunities but my partner earns a bery high wage while able to work from home 90% of the time and also has very flexible working hours which he doesn't think he could get elsewhere.
Yes, we have talked marriage,
I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that thread over here Daffodil? Seems a little odd.
I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship when we have been together nearly 2 years and things are getting better all the time, especially since we have been together for lockdown.
I am 38 and my partner is 50. We both have kids, he has a 20 year old and an 18 year old who live full time with him, I have a 9 year old.
My job is based in my hometown and cannot locate elsewhere. I am hoping I can work remotely but unsure as to whether this is a possibility yet. I share 50/50 childcare with my ex who lives 5 minutes away.
I may be able to rent out my place, yes.
The divorce has been a complicated one which is why it has taken so long.
Both our town's have a lot of employment opportunities but my partner earns a bery high wage while able to work from home 90% of the time and also has very flexible working hours which he doesn't think he could get elsewhere.
Yes, we have talked marriage,
Often, we regulars here on CD check out other posts because it gives context faster and better than waiting for an O.P to "fill in the gaps" piecemeal. No one's life exists in a vacuum, after all. It's not unusual for a poster to come here with a question only to provide pertinent information many pages into the thread.
With "Ben's" children being legal adults, there is no custody at this point as they are adults in the eyes of the law if not in practice. Even so, providing a stable and loving home for them is important as they prepare to leave the nest within the next few years. It's good that he's able to do so for his children.
Your shared custody situation is going to be a problem, no doubt, as you share equal time with the father of your child and currently live so close to one another. Moving yourself and your child three hours away from your former husband--is that truly in the best interest of your child especially as he enters his teenaged years? Does "Ben" think that it's a good idea for you to take your child so far from your ex? Somehow I doubt that assuming that he, as most good fathers, would have fought tooth and nail to keep his children reasonably close to him.
From what I was able to gather from your other thread, the father of your child is a good parent, so prepare for WWIII when you bring up the idea of moving three hours away for non work reasons. If he's been handling being barred from seeing his son during lockdown rather peacefully, I hope that you don't see that as a positive "preview of coming attractions" when it comes to telling him your plans should you decide to move in with "Ben."
These are unusual times and you're still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship to boot. You might be seeing this as a test run for living together, but have either of you been through challenging times together--especially when in comes to your respective offspring?
It might be best for you to remain long distance for the time being for both the sake of "Ben's" career and the well-being of your son's relationship with his father.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 05-02-2020 at 05:07 PM..
I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that thread over here Daffodil? Seems a little odd.
I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship when we have been together nearly 2 years and things are getting better all the time, especially since we have been together for lockdown.
I am 38 and my partner is 50. We both have kids, he has a 20 year old and an 18 year old who live full time with him, I have a 9 year old.
My job is based in my hometown and cannot locate elsewhere. I am hoping I can work remotely but unsure as to whether this is a possibility yet. I share 50/50 childcare with my ex who lives 5 minutes away.
I may be able to rent out my place, yes.
The divorce has been a complicated one which is why it has taken so long.
Both our town's have a lot of employment opportunities but my partner earns a bery high wage while able to work from home 90% of the time and also has very flexible working hours which he doesn't think he could get elsewhere.
Yes, we have talked marriage,
It's not odd, it's a way to find out if the story is consistent or not. You left out a lot of pertinent details in this thread.
Ben can't move away from his 18 and 20 year old children? You made it sound like they were young children. (You even lied and said Ben had 50/50 custody). Ben's children could move away from him at any time as they begin their adult lives.
Why has his divorce been going on for 2 years? Are they still arguing about everything? If yes, huge red flag.
Last edited by Petunia 100; 05-02-2020 at 05:04 PM..
I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that thread over here Daffodil? Seems a little odd.
I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship when we have been together nearly 2 years and things are getting better all the time, especially since we have been together for lockdown.
I am 38 and my partner is 50. We both have kids, he has a 20 year old and an 18 year old who live full time with him, I have a 9 year old.
My job is based in my hometown and cannot locate elsewhere. I am hoping I can work remotely but unsure as to whether this is a possibility yet. I share 50/50 childcare with my ex who lives 5 minutes away.
I may be able to rent out my place, yes.
The divorce has been a complicated one which is why it has taken so long.
Both our town's have a lot of employment opportunities but my partner earns a bery high wage while able to work from home 90% of the time and also has very flexible working hours which he doesn't think he could get elsewhere.
Yes, we have talked marriage,
So his children are adults. Why is he/are you speaking of them as if they’re minors? He does not have 50/50 custody of adult children and he can now make decisions that don’t necessary include them.
It’s interesting that you mentioned him, his adult kids, how his kids feel about you, your house, your job but no mention of your own minor child. He should be your #1 priority and concern and you don’t even bring him into consideration?
He has adult children. He has a job that he can retain and work remotely. If anyone should move, it should be him.
Editing to add: And how have you been together for 2 years but separated from your husband for just 1 year? Your story doesn’t add up, OP.
I am not sure why you felt the need to bring that thread over here Daffodil? Seems a little odd.
I wouldn't call it a rebound relationship when we have been together nearly 2 years and things are getting better all the time, especially since we have been together for lockdown.
I am 38 and my partner is 50. We both have kids, he has a 20 year old and an 18 year old who live full time with him, I have a 9 year old.
My job is based in my hometown and cannot locate elsewhere. I am hoping I can work remotely but unsure as to whether this is a possibility yet. I share 50/50 childcare with my ex who lives 5 minutes away.
I may be able to rent out my place, yes.
The divorce has been a complicated one which is why it has taken so long.
Both our town's have a lot of employment opportunities but my partner earns a bery high wage while able to work from home 90% of the time and also has very flexible working hours which he doesn't think he could get elsewhere.
Yes, we have talked marriage,
Because there are a lot of details that you hadn't yet disclosed here, yet they were publicly on your other post.
You can get some great advice here from some really smart posters, if you just give them the important details of what your situation is. We did not know that you have a minor child... this is a big deal to your situation.
It's good that your boyfriend's kids are 18 and over. So, no problem there with his custody situation. But what about your ex? Is he okay with you moving in with a new guy and the new guy raising his son? Probably should find out if your ex is okay with this, first. He does have 50/50 custody.
Also, neither of you are divorced yet. I would suggest taking some time, not rushing into moving in together. There are divorces to be finalized, your minor child's father to talk to, his kids that live there... so many other people involved, that need to be taken into consideration. Plus, your job, the house you recently bought... Just don't rush into something that is going to take some time to work everything out. I wish you good luck.
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