I need online dating advice (how to, marrying, men, love)
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I am in Texas and have been trying online dating for about a year and a half...my results have been pitiful. Of that time, I have spoken in depth with maybe 15 women, no in-person dates. I can accept that I am not a lot of people's cup of tea, but it seems like the handful that I do attract are either looking for a husband yesterday, seeking US citizenship (it has happened to me), or just plain psychotic.
I, myself, am 32 and maybe a 3 or 4 / 10 (I'm overweight with self esteem issues), but I'm a professional engineer and about a year from having my PhD, so I think that puts me somewhere around a 5 or 6 overall, either way that significantly slims down the number of women that "swipe right" on looks alone. Of the women that swipe right, 60 percent never respond to a simple "hello". Of the 40% that respond, half are just so morbidly obese that I cannot even bring myself to try and initiate a serious romantic relationship. Of the remaining 20 percent, I have had one who was clearly seeking a pathway to immigration from South Africa (blatantly lied to me, telling me she was in Florida) and two who were obsessed about trust and ultimately ended up going off on my after something as innocent as asking for a second picture after the first (both claimed I was being untrusting, but one went from 0-60 on the lvl 10 psycho in about 2 messages).
THAT was on FarmersOnly and was, believe it or not, an improvement over eHarmony and Match (all I ever got on those two were clearly BOTS).
My profile on FO is short and sweet, I state my job and what I am looking for, with a few pictures of me, I think one is in Alaska and one is in front of Niagara Falls.
So I ask those of you who have had success at online dating, what do you attribute to your success? Is it your photos? Is it your textual statement? Is it your attitude? What am I missing about this whole online mess?
Unfortunately its all about the photos. You have to choose the right one. From experience it looks like the pics that get the most attention is the ones with a smile or a pleasant look. The pics with me looking serious dont get a lot of attention. If you find a pic is not generating any messages replace it and use another one
I'm also not sure why some guy who makes up a thread would think being an engineer is a career that would attract a woman.
Signed,
An engineer...
Because engineers are usually financially stable, at the very least. If they're disciplined with money, they're banking for their retirement. That counts for something.
OP, do your photos include some, that are close-up enough for people to see your features and your smile? (Some guys deliberately post photos of themselves too far away, because they're not confident about their looks.) Do you have one of you, taken at what you consider your best angle? Perhaps consider having a professional photog take some shots, and pick the best one or two to include in the mix.
I agree with the poster, who suggested you work on your weight while you're reworking your strategy or your profile. Like, in the meantime, just start cutting back on carbs, for example. Just that simple basic step. Eliminate sweets; sweets (and processed grains, i.e. white rice, white flour) provoke insulin, which causes you to build or hold onto fat. Insulin is not your friend. Work on switching over to healthier foods, and get some exercise. Walking daily, for example. If you have free weights at home, use them. Start out with a 20 minute walk daily, if you don't already do that, plus some exercise at home. If you have no equipment, use your own body weight for resistance. (See youtube for ideas.).
Don't make a big deal out of this--no pressure; just work in a daily stroll (weather permitting) in a pleasant or scenic neighborhood, and do a little extra at home 3 x/week. Notice the spring fragrances as you walk, and the flowers starting to bloom. Get out of your head, leave your thoughts behind, and be in the moment; enjoy the experience. Breathe in the fresh air, and let it energize you.
I'm not talking about radical changes; gradual changes. You'll feel better, just for simply taking a little better care of yourself. And who knows; after a week or two, you might discover you've lost a couple of pounds. Yay! Soak up that positive reinforcement! Let it encourage you to stick with the healthy changes. This will improve your self-esteem.
One of our posters here gets a good response rate on OLD. He says he tailors his initial contact message to the woman's profile and interests, and asks about those, and shares a little about himself that shows some commonality with her interests. Be patient, stick with it over time.
I'm more in favor of meeting people In Real Life (IRL), as someone else suggested. Find something interesting in your town to join. You can start perusing the internet for hobby groups, interest groups, classes, volunteer opportunities, etc., now, while the quarantine is still on. Then you'll be ready with a couple of options, when things open up.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-10-2020 at 10:47 PM..
So I ask those of you who have had success at online dating, what do you attribute to your success? Is it your photos? Is it your textual statement? Is it your attitude? What am I missing about this whole online mess?
My ad(s) are nauseatingly long and written to exclude tire kickers. Moreover they are designed to act as a filtering mechanism, and are very effective at it. If a woman responds to my ad, the odds are we would meet and hit it off. For that reason I add in a rather lengthy Q&A process in the first few e-mails in order to further winnow down the response. I do not have an on-line picture. I am not a bad looking guy, in rather good shape and never have had trouble attracting women based on my appearance, but I prefer woman who do not judge people based on looks, money, or social status. So my ad is written in such a way it excludes such individuals.
It is also written in such a way as it paints a picture in a woman's mind of what a day in my life may be like, so she can see herself in it and understands at least where she might fit in; once again filtering. It also is written in such a way that I can tell if she actually read and thought about the ad before responding to it, another way to eliminate tire kickers.
The most common responses I get are that the woman saw my ad, read it, then read other ads and kept coming back to mine, time and time again before deciding to respond. The other comment I get is that they just had to find out if I was real or not.
So my advice is, you are an engineer, so design an ad that acts as a filter and eliminates woman who would not interest you or be interested in you. Be honest but cautious. Do you really want a woman who is attracted to you because your job offers financial stability? Fine if you do, or fine if you don't, my point is that can be a very effective filter you can write it in a way that attracts a woman on that basis or hide that fact from her. If you truly are interested in losing weight you can ad that in in such a way that it attracts rather then detracts. Many people struggle with weight issues, so you could write it so she can picture herself walking with you each evening or whatever. The point is to write an ad that paints a picture of you but also filters the intrinsic things that matters to you.
In closing, I'll just say I have had remarkable success with on-line dating, I also had great success in meeting people in a traditional manner. I greatly prefer the on-line approach because you can filter out those who would be a poor match prior to meeting rather than have to ask serious no go questions during a live date. Just the fact that many people will not bother to read a lengthy on-line profile acts as one of my filters.
You are an engineer, this should be a cake walk for you if you think the problem through.
Cheers,
Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 05-11-2020 at 01:43 AM..
The reality is 80% of the women go for the top 20% of men.
Repeating this BS line doesn’t make it true.
The part that is always left out is that one person’s “top 20%” is not the same as the next person’s.
To put it in the most basic of terms, if I’m only attracted to dark-haired men, it doesn’t mean every other woman is, or that no light-haired man can be attractive.
AT BEST... OLD is about making an introduction.
Beyond that... EVERY second spent within profiles and online communication is a complete waste.
Get OFF the computer and face to face as quickly as you can.
FO is kinda on a death spiral, the quantity is just not there. Your chances for something less than money digging are better at FO but quantity of active subscribers is relatively low. Since you are OK with buying a woman for a Ph.D. (easy, but you need to stoop down a little or do go the foreign route) I do not see your problem just go to a high traffic dating site. I've seen less than attractive American born Ph.D.s marrying more attractive foreign women, I've seen less than attractive non white foreign born Ph.D.s marrying fatter and less attractive white girls. Those marriages I know of survive many many years. Maybe green card consideration was in the play at the time of a marriage, but at the end it worked out.
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