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Since it's a little quiet in here these days, thought maybe we could share some dating tips/advice.
Did you ever receive good advice from parents/siblings? Did your friends offer anything helpful based on their own experiences? What did you learn from a past relationship, either good or bad, to help you make better choices in the future?
One piece of advice I received, from an older friend, and I wish I'd known her when I first started dating as a teenager, was that dating was about getting to know people, how to relate to others, and also getting to know who you are, your likes and dislikes. She is a very upbeat person and believes every failure is meant to teach you something to improve yourself, if you are willing.
One thing I figured out for myself, of course the hard way, is that someone who seems so much better than others you dated previously, isn't necessarily better for you overall, they were just better in comparison to previous relationships.
My dad's advice (not just for dating) was always, "don't listen to what they say, watch what they do." People can make promises or apologize all day, but if they don't actually follow through, those words are meaningless.
The only advice from my parents was to find a nice girl/woman who had a nice career and a nice family.
Most of the advice in my life circled around actually getting a woman as opposed to finding the 'right woman' or what to do once you've gotten there. Which makes sense, since I struggled. But still. I don't remember ANYBODY saying anything to the effect of ... 'this is how a relationship is and this is how it works when you live together so you want to find a woman/man who matches THESE qualities that YOU prioritize'. Never...
If I had advice for a young person, it'd be to go through the proper channels to find a best match in terms of what you prioritize in life.
You're going to have to do a little bit of projection out to see what you're priorities WILL be a few years from now.
If I had kids, I'd tell them to be more open minded in terms of who they are willing to date and consider a romantic option, because that will give them more chances to date, see what works/what doesn't, and open up more opportunities for a better match.
The best advice I received was from my father and I passed it onto my sons. It was never, ever date someone you know going in you would not consider marrying or one where you knew would be buying into difficulties. And as soon as you find out someone is a no go, politely tell the person and move on in terms of dating others, but also, be open to remaining lifelong friends.
Also confine your dating to those with a similar background, goals, interests, and culture. Do not pursue the exotic woman who sets you pulse racing, simply because she is exotic.
The rational was, the heart wants what the heart wants, chemistry takes over and common sense is often overruled. More than one person lost their heart to Ms. Wrong-for-me when all it was suppose to be was fun date or quick fling and then found themselves in a difficult relationship.
I generally followed that advice and it served me well. Most of my relationships ended in lifelong friendships rather than animosity. They only time I did not follow the advice, the relationship followed a predictable course and ended with some level of animosity.
The best advice I received was from my father and I passed it onto my sons. It was never, ever date someone you know going in you would not consider marrying or one where you knew would be buying into difficulties. And as soon as you find out someone is a no go, politely tell the person and move on in terms of dating others, but also, be open to remaining lifelong friends.
Also confine your dating to those with a similar background, goals, interests, and culture. Do not pursue the exotic woman who sets you pulse racing, simply because she is exotic.
The rational was, the heart wants what the heart wants, chemistry takes over and common sense is often overruled. More than one person lost their heart to Ms. Wrong-for-me when all it was suppose to be was fun date or quick fling and then found themselves in a difficult relationship.
I generally followed that advice and it served me well. Most of my relationships ended in lifelong friendships rather than animosity. They only time I did not follow the advice, the relationship followed a predictable course and ended with some level of animosity.
I agree with this and I have been able to stay friends with my exes too, the few there are.
Of course, we've drifted, but there was really no animosity.
I think animosity in a relationship is a function of both what you say, and also is a function of WHAT you are looking for in a relationship. I think the less you are looking for a friend and the more you are looking for a mate, that animosity will surface.
The only advice from my parents was to find a nice girl/woman who had a nice career and a nice family.
Most of the advice in my life circled around actually getting a woman as opposed to finding the 'right woman' or what to do once you've gotten there. Which makes sense, since I struggled. But still. I don't remember ANYBODY saying anything to the effect of ... 'this is how a relationship is and this is how it works when you live together so you want to find a woman/man who matches THESE qualities that YOU prioritize'. Never...
If I had advice for a young person, it'd be to go through the proper channels to find a best match in terms of what you prioritize in life.
You're going to have to do a little bit of projection out to see what you're priorities WILL be a few years from now.
If I had kids, I'd tell them to be more open minded in terms of who they are willing to date and consider a romantic option, because that will give them more chances to date, see what works/what doesn't, and open up more opportunities for a better match.
I feel like my parents advice was similar, mind you I started dating at 16, so the focus really was on finding a "nice boy" as opposed to career and life objectives. I don't remember getting much other advice, other than my mom mentioning, after my first BF broke my heart, that there were "other fish in the sea", and "time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels".
I really like your last paragraph, of being open-minded. Every date doesn't have to turn into an LTR, and every person doesn't have to meet your pre-determined physical type. Go out and have fun, get to know new people and new things.
Confusion and mixed signals are another way of saying "no".
Before I entered the dating scene, I thought the worst thing that could happen was rejection, but I've learned to respect people's honesty if they sit me down and tell me they're not interested. That takes guts. Mixed signals (whether from you or them/both) are even worse as there is a sense of false hope and lack of closure as you'll probably never really understand what's really going on in the other person's head. Often times it nothing to do with you anyway. Attempt to rectify mixed signals with direct communication, but if the behavior continues, pull the rip cord.
My mom's advice....you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince!
Seems obvious but has a new meaning to me now. I think it should be rephrased to you gotta kiss a lot of frogs in order to know what you don't want, so that when you meet your prince you'll know!
Best advice I can think of is don't try to change a person or assume they will change. If you can't accept them exactly as they are, then you must cut them loose. People can change but the process is very slow and can take decades.
If a person you are dating is trying to change you, well, consider if he or she has a point. Have many others complained of a less than stellar character trait you have? If 10 people unrelated to each other are giving the same feedback, then it might be time to listen. But if its the first time you have heard it, then its probably their issue and not yours.
Also, if you get upset by what someone says or does, just tell them how it made you feel. "Wow it hurt my feelings and made me angry when you said that." That is active and direct communication and thats healthy.
Unhealthy would be reacting by lashing out at them, yelling, storming out, sulking, not saying anything but punishing them for it in some way. That is passive-aggressive or hostile communication and unhealthy.
A healthy person will respond to your direct communication by apologizing for hurting you and in the future finding more tactful ways to communicate. But if they are hurting you with tactless remarks or unfounded accusations or other hurtful and rude behavior and are unwilling or unable to accept their role in that and adjust, then they have maladaptive communication skills and/or lack empathy.
We all should own our own feelings but we also all should teach others how to communicate with us and set limits on what is ok. Its boundary setting.
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