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Old 05-15-2020, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City
793 posts, read 329,369 times
Reputation: 1039

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My ideal dating life would have been to have met my soulmate in college and never dating again. There's nothing ideal about dating. But hey, at 20, you're not old enough to see that yet I would imagine. At your age, I would focus on meeting someone in college (if you're in college) and try to make it work. You do need to know what you want, so its a catch 22 because at 20 I sure didn't. Give it some thought though and try to meet a woman with similar interests, goals, and values.

P.S. Add my advice to MinivanDriver's and you'll be great.
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Old 05-15-2020, 03:53 PM
 
10,494 posts, read 6,935,803 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Atlguy View Post
My ideal dating life would have been to have met my soulmate in college and never dating again. There's nothing ideal about dating. But hey, at 20, you're not old enough to see that yet I would imagine. At your age, I would focus on meeting someone in college (if you're in college) and try to make it work. You do need to know what you want, so its a catch 22 because at 20 I sure didn't. Give it some thought though and try to meet a woman with similar interests, goals, and values.

P.S. Add my advice to MinivanDriver's and you'll be great.

This is good, but I would offer this. In the five years after leaving school, you'll change more than you will for the rest of your life. Your philosophy towards life, your politics, your aspirations, your goals, and just about everything else will evolve as you become self-sufficient. Things that made perfect sense to you at age 20 or 22 may become total nonsense to you at age 25 or 28. Likewise, you may find yourself passionate about things that never crossed your mind at a younger age.



So marrying straight out of school is a bit problematic. You might indeed meet your soulmate in college. I know some who have. But I've also known plenty of people who married someone at that age, only to grow in a completely different direction as their spouses. The year after I graduated college, I attended 13 weddings. Only one of those marriage has stood the test of time.



But similar goals and values? Absolutely without question. If you don't have those, you don't have a lasting relationship.
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Old 05-15-2020, 04:36 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
20,225 posts, read 14,453,521 times
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I am engaged and I love what I'm doing right now. He and I, we are a glorious match. It's great!

So what I'm about to say, understand that I do not wish I had this instead. What I've got is good, this would also be good, if I were considering other alternatives to the love life I have today.

In this fantasy there is no coronavirus, that bears mention right off the bat.
I've been polyamorous before, and there are things I liked about it.
I could wish that other women saw what I see in my fiance, and that he was more easily able to get attention and activity with other partners, and that any other woman he dated, she and I got along wonderfully and there was no drama.
I could wish that in addition to that, the woman I have a crush on, were not frighteningly unstable in some ways and that we could enjoy something like a close, affectionate, flirty friendship at least, going on dates somewhat often. And that another connection I have with a woman had or could be more sexually satisfying for us both, maybe.
And I could wish in this fantasy kingdom that I had the ability to hook up with an old fling I haven't seen in years, maybe every few months or so, for some fun. That he was less flaky and less of a risky partner (more willing to do STI testing and so on) and that my fiance were OK with me keeping that connection, albeit only as an occasional indulgence. Like going on vacation, too much of that would not be a good thing.

Board game nights, Saturday night orgies followed by Sunday brunch at the French place? We could maybe form a pool league and shoot APA, go to Vegas and win big? lol. I can fantasize about a lot of things. While we're at it, I have a gorgeous big custom dream house, and of course it has a hot tub. My big wedding plans not only DIDN'T have to be cancelled due to a pandemic, I had enough money for the fancy hosted bar and to hire March Fourth Marching Band or Abney Park to play music, and I got some aerial acrobats and fire jugglers while I was at it. Hey, if I'm gonna dream, I might as well dream big, eh?

But you know what? What I have is really good. So I don't really wish for all of those things. I know how lucky I am.

As for communicating to women how cool I am? Show 'em. Don't tell 'em. But mostly, everything that MinivanDriver said. Be a good listener, yes. Also have some good stories to tell. Be fun to be around.
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Old 05-15-2020, 06:34 PM
 
Location: VA, IL, FL, SD, TN, NC, SC
1,417 posts, read 725,883 times
Reputation: 3439
My fantasy dating life, in no particular order, involves a woman within a few years of my age who can still joyfully engage in prolonged bouts of adult pleasure. If she has adult children from her past, they are drama free, she did such an absolute awesome job of mothering that her children are perfectly happy and live well-adjusted lives of their own.

We are never, ever politically correct around one another, or others.

She is highly intelligent(IQ > 130), well read, educated in areas that are unknown to me and has superlative communication skills so every time we are on a walk or having pillow talk between bouts of passion I am learning from her. Her vast array of interests fulfill her totally, so I am but a seasoning in the rich banquet that is her life. She loves fruit, and likes to garden, and has a killer rear that I can admire as she moves about my orchard or raspberry patch.

She likes to nest, so she prefers my cooking to eating out, unless we find an exceptional restaurant. But she is an awesome dancer, knows how to meld and contrast with her partner at the right time, just like in bed. She is cultured, because I am not, and thus I can grow from her. She is not jealous of my interests and feels no need to compete with them because she has her own. She can travel about the country and world as I do, free to meet me here and there for an amazing evening or weekend without my having to plan the logistics for her. I travel frequently and often find a museum, collection, restaurant that I want to share, so she can hop a plan and share it with me. And that goes vice-versa, maybe she is in New York meeting with her publisher, and she there is a play she wants to see, so she calls and says babe there is this play, I can get tickets, how soon can you hop a plane an get here? Or maybe she just sees it herself and tells me about it, recanting it in enough detail, it was like I was there.

She has an a sparkle to her eyes, as I want to look into them as I revel in her awesomeness. She is not jealous, she knows she is awesome and is secure in our affection. She plays chess and board games so we can decide matters with a match. She is not shy and does not hide her affection. She is content to keep our lives separate and has no need or desire to make us a family, just two free souls soaring together, when we wish, on the currents of two well lived, fulfilling lives. She can handle my frequent absences as I pursue my interests and she does not fret them nor feel neglected as she has her own passions.

She has that relentless drive in her to be the best she can be at whatever she tries to do, whatever interest she has, she is an authority, not a wannabee at this stage of her life Basically, she came, she saw, she conquered. We tread the world beneath our feet wherever we choose to walk. This is our time of life, child rearing and our duty to society is behind us, we have a few golden years and aim to maximize them.

She is financially secure and requires nothing of me, I am simply her boy-toy, companion.

Most importantly, she does not push for more, as she is so content in her life that there she needs nothing to complete it. She just happens to enjoy my presence, so I need not worry about her, when my time comes, as she will always be complete and happy in her life. To me, it is so very sad when a partner dies and the other person withers away because their partner was their life. I never wish to be the focus of anyone's life.

That is the ideal dating situation for me.

Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 05-15-2020 at 07:02 PM..
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Old 05-15-2020, 06:41 PM
 
733 posts, read 447,244 times
Reputation: 1409
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
My dating life sucked at first. Then I realized one basic principle: Approach a woman first as a person, not as a fertility goddess. Realize that while she might be hotter than flowing lava, she also has interests in life, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and a history that she carries around on her shoulders. Be more interested in talking about her than you. And have some backbone if she throws you shade. Women will do that, just to test your mettle.

And if it's difficult to communicate with a particular woman, then it's time to move on. Jigsaw puzzle pieces only fit one other piece in the box, after all. So you talk to one woman, try her on for size, then move on. Be nice, be respectful, but don't try to force it.

By the way, here's the thing about conversation at all time. This is true whether you're talking to a fabulous woman at a party, a colleague, or just passing time with a stranger in an airport: The best conversationalists are always more interested in the other person than they are in talking about themselves. By that, I don't mean peppering someone with a bunch of questions, because that's not a civilized form of conversation. But learning the knack of understanding who they are as a person.

If you date someone, you are establishing trust. That's not something that you prove through words, but through actions. If you say you're going to be there at a certain time, be there at that time. If you say you're going to call her, call her. Rather than disappear for days after the date, tell her the next day after you had a great time. Tell her the truth. Don't play games. Think about her feelings. That's way more important than some stupid over-the-top gesture such as buying her flowers or taking her out to a chi-chi restaurant on the first date. Do those things, and you'll automatically raise suspicions.

That's the thing. There's an entire school of idiots out there who walk away from a relationship if they're not making the beast with two backs by date number three. These are fools. A fantastic woman might not want to immediately have sex with you for an entire host of reasons that have nothing to do with neuroses or her attraction to you. She might just be discriminating.

Your self-worth does not hinge on your having a date on Saturday night, by the way. Be your own person with your own interesting life. Cultivate hobbies and passions. Read interesting books. Try different things. Nothing is more boring than someone who is either afraid of life or so stuck in his rut that he isn't open to new things. Which means you need to be positive and open. Be the kind of person you'd like to hang with. Be someone who builds others up and gives them energy and confidence, not someone who is a drain.

Want to know what iced it with my wife? I went to the freaking ballet with her. She danced for years and kind of mentioned how she wanted to go. So I took the hint and said, "Sure. Never been, but I'll go with you." And I went with a good attitude. I asked questions. Hey, ballet wasn't necessarily my bag, but I appreciated it. It wasn't about the ballet itself. It was about my openness to the ballet. By doing so, revealed to her the kind of man I was. And then, later that night, she watched me play a set with our rock band at a night club. I learned later on that her previous boyfriends would have rather died than attend a dance performance of any kind, and bitched about it for weeks afterwards if they actually deigned to go. It had become kind of her litmus test and I passed it with flying colors.

And that has set the tone in our lives together. What's important to her is important to me--and vice versa. I'll go to the ballet with her. But my wife has become a student of baseball. Hell, she even keeps the box score during games. And we have constantly tried new things, because courage is the foundation of all happiness.

Mind you, be open to the possibility of lightning striking. I met my wife at a party. The moment I shook her hand, I simply knew. It was as if a door opened and all I had to do is step through it. And she knew by our fourth date. But, being two people with strong personalities, we still had to get used to one another. While she and I were completely different in a host of ways, we simply clicked together. Our conversations lasted for hours without even realizing it. And when that happens, you know you're onto something great.



Well said! I hope most men learned to understand women like this by the time they're 45. That would help a lot in their relationship department.
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Old 05-15-2020, 06:49 PM
 
733 posts, read 447,244 times
Reputation: 1409
In my dating experience, it should not be easy when you meet the right person. If the relationship has too much struggles, it's not worth it, and it won't last. Also, people with similar background and values tend to make a great union since they understand each other better. Each should have a deep admiration for the other, so he/she can tolerate things when the storm hits. It's about respect for each other, and each make other's happiness as his/her own. No competition in love.
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Old 05-15-2020, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City
793 posts, read 329,369 times
Reputation: 1039
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
This is good, but I would offer this. In the five years after leaving school, you'll change more than you will for the rest of your life. Your philosophy towards life, your politics, your aspirations, your goals, and just about everything else will evolve as you become self-sufficient. Things that made perfect sense to you at age 20 or 22 may become total nonsense to you at age 25 or 28. Likewise, you may find yourself passionate about things that never crossed your mind at a younger age.



So marrying straight out of school is a bit problematic. You might indeed meet your soulmate in college. I know some who have. But I've also known plenty of people who married someone at that age, only to grow in a completely different direction as their spouses. The year after I graduated college, I attended 13 weddings. Only one of those marriage has stood the test of time.



But similar goals and values? Absolutely without question. If you don't have those, you don't have a lasting relationship.
You're right and my perspective is somewhat cynical after all I've been through. I'm just envious of people who met in college and it worked out. I know of a few couples like that, though I'm not in contact with them, so I don't know their challenges. But yes, people change a ton after college. Our brains aren't even fully developed until age 25. Maybe I should have said something like I wish I'd met my soulmate before the disposable swipe dating culture (Tinder, Bumble, etc) started. I don't know. I think I've met her now, but I wish I had 20 years earlier. OK, let me also edit that. I believe there's more than one person for us, so soulmate is the wrong term. But meeting someone to have a family with 20 years ago and have a happy 50-60 year marriage with instead of who I married would have been so wonderful.
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Old 05-15-2020, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,680 posts, read 41,537,277 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
Welp. Quit blowing off our advice, then.
I’ll be the one to decide if that advice is worth taking and living with the consequences of my decision.
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Old 05-15-2020, 07:56 PM
 
10,494 posts, read 6,935,803 times
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
I’ll be the one to decide if that advice is worth taking and living with the consequences of my decision.
And how’s that worked for you?
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Old 05-15-2020, 07:56 PM
 
13,256 posts, read 8,339,924 times
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Since it's about the ideal scenario and not necessarily the 'perfect' person. Let's start with.
Once a month outing.
I've zero desire to be someone's 'pillow'.
Pretty ideal would be freedom to be there own person. No clingy or demanding . Free flowing ...and willing to be spontaneous.

Same person . I don't care for the carousel style of dating.
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