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Old 05-17-2020, 11:20 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,508 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi everyone,

So i met a guy about 9 months ago. He was freshly out of a 4 year relationship that seemed very passionate but extremely turbulant (she was physically abusive towards the end and he ended things). He has told me he loved her alot but he doesnt have any feelings now because of how toxic things turned and the fact they were always argueing and breaking up/getting back together 2 weeks later.

I really like this guy and things seem to be going great. He seems to want to progress things and he has introduced me to his family and friends and is an all round great guy. HOWEVER a few weeks ago he told me not to worry but his ex had messaged him a cute video memory of them together (after a year of them not speaking). He assured me he didnt reply but thought he would be completely open and honest and tell me she had contacted him. Since then alot of their mutual friends have been telling him what shes been up to and telling him she misses him and wants him back (despite him politely telling them that its none of his business what shes doing anymore). He seems irritated by this anf said its dragging up old memories.

Normally im not an insecure person but im very aware that they have alot of history together and were both deeply in love despite the bad ending to their relationship. Im worried he will cave and start messaging her back. Since they have a mutual friend group im worried that she will turn up when him and his friends are together and he will see her for the first time in a year and old feelings will come back. Have i anything to worry about? Has this happened to anyone else and if so how did you deal with the feelings of insecurity without causing tension between you and your partner?
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Old 05-17-2020, 11:32 AM
 
Location: CHICAGO, Illinois
934 posts, read 1,433,867 times
Reputation: 1670
You said he was "freshly out" of the past relationship, but how long did he wait to date you before his break up from the toxic ex? I'm just ask because usually the breakup (especially from a turbulent relationship) requires a lot of personal self-reflection time to understand the many reasons this relationship continued long past its expiration date.
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Old 05-17-2020, 11:38 AM
 
4,409 posts, read 2,900,268 times
Reputation: 6040
Ask him to block her. And they should not be friends on social media.
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Old 05-17-2020, 11:42 AM
 
4 posts, read 2,508 times
Reputation: 10
They had been on/off for around 6 months before he finally ended things. Me and him started talking about 3 months after that and took things very slow, we started as friends and going on dates and waited a few months before becoming physically intimate.

He doesnt have her as a friend anymore on social media but she messaged him via facebook. I dont know if its unreasonable for me to demand he blocks her, i dont want to be controlling
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Old 05-17-2020, 11:50 AM
 
1,659 posts, read 1,249,714 times
Reputation: 3615
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused321 View Post
I dont know if its unreasonable for me to demand he blocks her, i dont want to be controlling
Demanding that he block her won't accomplish what you want it to, because if he chooses to communicate with his ex again, he'll find a way to do so.

It's up to HIM to maintain and enforce his relationship boundaries and make it clear to her that he's moved on and isn't interested in her anymore.
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Old 05-17-2020, 11:52 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,604,563 times
Reputation: 12523
He will make his own choice about what he wants. And remember, if he truly does want to be with someone other than you, then you don't want to be with him. You deserve more than to be with someone who would rather be with someone else.
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Old 05-17-2020, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Northern California
128,605 posts, read 11,890,495 times
Reputation: 38662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
He will make his own choice about what he wants. And remember, if he truly does want to be with someone other than you, then you don't want to be with him. You deserve more than to be with someone who would rather be with someone else.
This.
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Old 05-17-2020, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,706,569 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Confused321 View Post

He assured me he didnt reply but thought he would be completely open and honest and tell me she had contacted him. Since then alot of their mutual friends have been telling him what shes been up to and telling him she misses him and wants him back (despite him politely telling them that its none of his business what shes doing anymore). He seems irritated by this anf said its dragging up old memories.
It looks like he's doing all the right things. So trust him to continue.
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Old 05-17-2020, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Suburb of Chicago
31,848 posts, read 17,514,990 times
Reputation: 29384
He's being upfront with you so you have no reason to distrust him. If hearing from her didn't dredge up old feelings, I'm not sure seeing her would. It might even annoy him.

To me, it's better to find out now either way whether or not his heart is still with her before you've invested more time in the relationship - but it doesn't sound like his heart is with her, so try not to focus on this.

Since he's annoyed by his friends saying she wants him back, the old memories this is bringing up with him are most likely the bad memories and not feelings of longing for her.
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Old 05-17-2020, 01:49 PM
 
6,757 posts, read 4,742,040 times
Reputation: 25921
From what you told us there's nothing to worry about. He seems upfront about it. And.....if you don't trust him....why would you want to be with him? See how easy it is?

You might also want to refrain from discussing her with the friends of your bf. It's gossipy with drama stirring potential. On the first place, why would they want to discuss her with you? What do they get out of it? If they bring her up change the subject or you will look fascinated with her and very insecure. Not a good look.
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