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Rightly or wrongly, this is their family dynamic, and you are the interloper. If it bothered your girlfriend enough, she would have said something or distanced herself before now. Pushing her to pick you or her mom might not have the affect that you want.
I am not asking her to pick me or her mom. I am asking her to pick herself. She is refraining from doing a lot of things that she wants to do because of this. The golf scenario is a perfect example, the whole time she was saying, "I wish we would have drove separately so that we can golf the back 9". But we didn't because she didn't want to hurt her moms feelings.
I am trying to help her find her voice and not let other people dictate what she does (me included), and she has found it in a lot of other aspects of life since we have started dating. Her parents are really the last hurdle, and I feel they should be happy that she wants to live her own life.
Her dad is an enabler. He learned early on to go along to get along.
100%, and what bothers me most is that they all know it.
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That's why we are saying that grandchildren will trigger this to an even worse degree.
They may leave you alone now as a couple, but a baby is a whole other family member that awakens long-dormant insecurity as grandparents scramble for attention and "equal time" with the grandchild. Unless you've experienced it, you wouldn't believe it.
Your wife needs to have a solid handle on this dynamic before any kids arrive, preferably before you get married.
I expect it will, and that is fine. I just need my GF/Wife to be on my side when I feel they are being too intrusive. That is a bridge we'll have to cross when the time comes though.
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I would be careful about "making things clear" with your wife.
On the one hand, I guess you're modeling appropriate boundaries, but on the other hand marriage is supposed to be about compromise. That's the work that people are always talking about when they say a strong marriage takes work.
When you're part of a married couple, unless there are abusive/toxic issues present, you don't get to just walk in and tell her what you will and won't do in terms of family. It's a constant negotiation.
I am all for the compromising, and I agree. But the compromise I am willing to make is that we most likely won't be seeing her family and my family on every holiday. I feel we should alternate. One year do thanksgiving with my family and do Christmas with hers, and vice versa the next year. I believe that to be the most adult way to approach it. The constant traveling between houses every year is tiresome and honestly not very fun.
We have discussed that in the future we would like to have holidays at our house and invite both sides of the family, but that is future talk.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
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How often do you go to the cabin with her parents? Once a month? Twice a year?
I ask because if you go there for a weekend and it's an infrequent thing, it's rude to go off by yourselves and spend a great deal of time away from them. An afternoon of golf, or an evening bar hopping, for example, is too much time to take for yourselves when you're visiting, IMHO. The grocery store thing is something all together different.
Secondly, you are in for trouble if you tell your wife where she will spend her holidays. This will NOT end well, although it might take a few holiday cycles to come out. If she wants to spend part of Thanksgiving and part of Christmas with her family, that's her choice, not yours, unless she truly agrees and wants to do that.
Before I got married, we were required by the Catholic Church to undergo the PreCana couples sessions. The very first exercise we did was for the couples to hold hands, and then were asked "Where will you be spending Christmases". Couples still holding hands (so they're TOGETHER), were told to go to this side of the room if it's with his family, that side of the room if it's with her family, that side if they intend to spend it in their own home, and that side for "other".
Out of about 20 couples in the program, fully half ended up in fights during that exercise.
What would you do if your wife decides she needs you to be on her side and include her family more?
I am all for including her family. I never said I wasn't. I am against doing everything together. It is very tiresome.
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hahahaha that is not a compromise.
How is that not a compromise? I have a family that I would like to see for every holiday as well, but I understand when you are in a relationship there is another side you now need to be cognizant of. We have already discussed this and she doesn't want to do all of the back and forth travel either.
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You can't keep kicking this can down the road. It has to be addressed in present day.
We have talked about it, but as you said once it actually happens it takes on a life of its own. It will need to be continually worked on. We can talk about it until we are blue in the face, but all of that can go out the window in when the time comes.
How often do you go to the cabin with her parents? Once a month? Twice a year?
I ask because if you go there for a weekend and it's an infrequent thing, it's rude to go off by yourselves and spend a great deal of time away from them. An afternoon of golf, or an evening bar hopping, for example, is too much time to take for yourselves when you're visiting, IMHO. The grocery store thing is something all together different.
Secondly, you are in for trouble if you tell your wife where she will spend her holidays. This will NOT end well, although it might take a few holiday cycles to come out. If she wants to spend part of Thanksgiving and part of Christmas with her family, that's her choice, not yours, unless she truly agrees and wants to do that.
Before I got married, we were required by the Catholic Church to undergo the PreCana couples sessions. The very first exercise we did was for the couples to hold hands, and then were asked "Where will you be spending Christmases". Couples still holding hands (so they're TOGETHER), were told to go to this side of the room if it's with his family, that side of the room if it's with her family, that side if they intend to spend it in their own home, and that side for "other".
Out of about 20 couples in the program, fully half ended up in fights during that exercise.
We have already discussed the whole holiday thing and are in agreement that we don't like the whole traveling back and forth, but as you said that could always change.
We see her parents a lot. They don't live far away, we go over for dinner, meet up to play pickle-ball, etc. We see them a lot outside of cabin trips. I would be completely fine spending all day with them if it was an infrequent get together.
I just want to make it clear. I don't hate her parents, I just find their dynamic to be tiring.
Last edited by Grizzly Addams; 05-26-2020 at 02:50 PM..
My point is that your saying, "The only compromise I'm willing to make is ..." is not actually a compromise.
Do you not have any issues with your family that need to be negotiated? I can tell you from experience that a side-effect of this situation is that your GF may become tired of being "the one with the problem" in your relationship.
Just be aware that you aren't subconsciously putting her in the role of the one who needs "fixing."
I am mostly curious about two things.
1) am I in the right to voice my opinions about her family dynamics?
My answer here to this question is yes, absolutely you have the right to voice your opinions... the key here is to do it nicely. I mean, you love each other, right? So... remember that tidbit when you're having those difficult conversations... You're going for understanding... ya wanna understand each other, you won't always agree on stuff that's how relationships work best. You have to talk about hard things. You gotta listen... ask questions. You gotta be like, "I can disagree with you and still love you, ya know."
Anyway, my point is to voice it all, before it gets all pent-up-resentment-making... but do it nicely, lovingly, with kindness. Ask, don't accuse. Explore the options... talk about it, whatever... whatever it is–you can talk about anything... it doesn't mean you're actually doing the thing you're talking about—you're just talking, that's all...
I'll stop now.
Good luck.
Cut to the chase: Do you see yourself marrying into this?
Most relationships follow a certain dynamic, or pattern, within families. So if you don't "fit into it" now, might as well get out while you still can.
Why don't you speak up in these situations? Rather than go along and fume about it, say "I'm going to do X (e.g., golf 18 holes). If anyone wants to come along, great, otherwise I'll go myself." Or if it's a trip to the grocery store, say you don't feel like going, and will stay home and read a book, or go fishing by yourself. If they say they'll go another day, say that won't matter, you don't want to go to the grocery store with them. Stand up for yourself! Start now before you get more involved with this family, and stop letting the future MIL take over your lives.
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