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All in all I just really want my GF to start vocalizing when she'd like to do something different and she has started getting a lot better at it. I just hope I wasn't in the wrong by bringing it up in the first place.
You're definitely not wrong for bringing it up. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but you remind me of a lot of women who come here on CD. They marry the guy for the "potential" guy they want him to be...and when it inevitably turns out that they couldn't mold him into the guy they wanted, they're upset and have a lot of conflict, even though the signs were there before they married. I think you might be doing something similar...wanting to marry her for the person you want her to be, not the person she actually is. Obviously, both sexes do this, but it seems more common in women.
Now, maybe therapy will work. But it's going to be hard. And just because someone knows it's an issue and is going to therapy for it, doesn't mean they will be willing to change. Because, ultimately, she has to be prepared to sever her relationship with her mother, and possibly other family members. I'm not saying it will come to that, but that is the kind of resolve she's going to have to have to change the dynamic.
And another reason that it bothers me, and this might be my biggest issue, is that her family dynamic has really affected my GFs self confidence which she has admitted to me. It's not just the part about her mom, but what her dad brings to it as well which is a whole other story.
Also I'm not gonna run. Her parents aren't terrible people in my eyes.
They don't have to be terrible people for it to be a dealbreaker. Most people who get divorced aren't terrible people. They're just people who didn't work out these kinds of dynamics before they married.
You're definitely not wrong for bringing it up. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but you remind me of a lot of women who come here on CD. They marry the guy for the "potential" guy they want him to be...and when it inevitably turns out that they couldn't mold him into the guy they wanted, they're upset and have a lot of conflict, even though the signs were there before they married. I think you might be doing something similar...wanting to marry her for the person you want her to be, not the person she actually is. Obviously, both sexes do this, but it seems more common in women.
Now, maybe therapy will work. But it's going to be hard. And just because someone knows it's an issue and is going to therapy for it, doesn't mean they will be willing to change. Because, ultimately, she has to be prepared to sever her relationship with her mother, and possibly other family members. I'm not saying it will come to that, but that is the kind of resolve she's going to have to have to change the dynamic.
I am not trying to change her. I love who she is. I know I am probably making her family out to be terrible, but honestly they're not. I just struggle with their dynamic and feel it should have been addressed a long time ago. I'm just the first significant other outsider to come in, and honestly have confidence that progress can be made. I agree with all of you though that the process wont be quick or easy.
You're definitely not wrong for bringing it up. Now, please don't take this the wrong way, but you remind me of a lot of women who come here on CD. They marry the guy for the "potential" guy they want him to be...and when it inevitably turns out that they couldn't mold him into the guy they wanted, they're upset and have a lot of conflict, even though the signs were there before they married. I think you might be doing something similar...wanting to marry her for the person you want her to be, not the person she actually is. Obviously, both sexes do this, but it seems more common in women.
Now, maybe therapy will work. But it's going to be hard. And just because someone knows it's an issue and is going to therapy for it, doesn't mean they will be willing to change. Because, ultimately, she has to be prepared to sever her relationship with her mother, and possibly other family members. I'm not saying it will come to that, but that is the kind of resolve she's going to have to have to change the dynamic.
I guess I can see why you posited the bolded; because her mother clearly doesn't take "no" for an answer. But her mom probably wouldn't want to risk losing her daughter over something as relatively trivial, as daughter declining to go on the group errands to the store, or even declining some of the family get-togethers, that seem to occur so frequently. Even the most reluctant parent has to face the fact, sooner or later, that his/her adult kids will have lives of their own, a family of their own, and will leave the immediate family orbit, while staying in touch and to some extent (usually to be determined by said adult kids), involved.
It sounds like both of the main parties involved here are in for some Personal Growth.
It sounds like both of the main parties involved here are in for some Personal Growth.
Absolutely, and it may work out that there is no need to cut anyone out of their lives.
The daughter here may have an adult conversation with her mom where she asserts appropriate emotional boundaries and the mom thinks about it for a while, reflects on her own behavior and is able to adapt.
The daughter may be able to say to her mom, "I love you, and I want you to know that I want to be able to make some decisions for myself without you thinking that they mean I don't love you. I don't want to feel guilty just because I don't want to spend our entire visit attached to you at the hip."
Ok, she shouldn't say that last part, but you get the idea, OP. The goal is for parents to see their adult children as adults, and as separate beings from themselves.
Absolutely, and it may work out that there is no need to cut anyone out of their lives.
The daughter here may have an adult conversation with her mom where she asserts appropriate emotional boundaries and the mom thinks about it for a while, reflects on her own behavior and is able to adapt.
The daughter may be able to say to her mom, "I love you, and I want you to know that I want to be able to make some decisions for myself without you thinking that they mean I don't love you. I don't want to feel guilty just because I don't want to spend our entire visit attached to you at the hip."
Ok, she shouldn't say that last part, but you get the idea, OP. The goal is for parents to see their adult children as adults, and as separate beings from themselves.
You never know.
Yeah and that is what I really hope happens.
The struggle for me is that I come from a "tell it how it is" family, while she comes from a "peace at all cost" family, which took a while for us to work out in our relationship over the years but we are now in a good place with it. My hope is exactly as you said establish boundaries without burning bridges and I think my GF is at a point to do that.
The struggle for me is that I come from a "tell it how it is" family, while she comes from a "peace at all cost" family, which took a while for us to work out in our relationship over the years but we are now in a good place with it.
As long as you understand that there is no one right way, that you both will have to give a little and adapt to a method that acknowledges where you both came from and and works for BOTH of you.
I think he's still holding out hope that things will change more to his liking.
But she's 27 and hasn't changed this dynamic on her own. Usually, someone who really doesn't like this sort of family dynamic would have said in their late teens or early 20s, "No how, no way am I putting up with this. If that means I don't see my family, so be it". And by now, they'd either have it resolved and be on good terms with their family or they would just not be close to their family. If this stuff isn't resolved (one way or another) by your late 20s, I tend to think the chances of the dynamic changing go down a lot. I'm not saying this can't change, but I think counting on it is a bad idea, therapy or not.
Good points.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grizzly Addams
I am not trying to change her. I love who she is. I know I am probably making her family out to be terrible, but honestly they're not. I just struggle with their dynamic and feel it should have been addressed a long time ago. I'm just the first significant other outsider to come in, and honestly have confidence that progress can be made. I agree with all of you though that the process wont be quick or easy.
Hmmm, so your GF is 27 and hasn't brought any other dates/BFs to meet & spend time with her family? And, neither has her older brother? Maybe there is more to that story?
Hmmm, so your GF is 27 and hasn't brought any other dates/BFs to meet & spend time with her family? And, neither has her older brother? Maybe there is more to that story?
Well her brother is gay so that is a whole other issue. And she has brought guys around but they weren't very serious so they didn't challenge the dynamic. I know what you guys are saying and I agree she should have nipped this in the butt a long time ago, but she didn't and is starting to show signs of wanting to do. I dont get why so many people on this site feel like everyone is such a lost cause. She has so many qualities that I adore so I can be patient with her on this one.
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