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I (29M) am struggling with something regarding my GF's (27F, soon to be fiancee) family dynamic that has kind of come to a head this past weekend.
The issue...
When we go up to my GF's parents cabin, her mom prefers (almost demands) doing everything together and always gets her way. We wake up, eat breakfast, play a game, go on a walk, eat lunch, play a game, go on the boat, make dinner, play a game.... TOGETHER. If they need to go to the grocery store, we all go. I find this very weird, and honestly quite annoying/boring, and it stems from my GFs inability to tell her mom we'd rather do something else. For instance, my girlfriend and I really enjoy golfing and thought this holiday weekend would be a good time. She asked her parents last week if they would like to golf as well, her mom was on board as she likes it(but she only likes doing 9 holes), her dad however didn't want to go at all as he doesn't enjoy it. So what happens... her mom forces her dad to come since we can't leave anyone out, and we only do 9 holes. This probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it's annoying and bothersome that she always gets her way. I don't mind that they came with, I am annoyed that my GF and I couldn't continue on and do the back 9 by ourselves.
I have mentioned this to my girlfriend. She sort of maintains this childlike role around her parents, where what they say goes, and it really bothers me. I feel like we have no freedom around them. For God's sake, we are 29 and 27, we should be able to go golf or go to a bar if we want to. But no, my GF is unable to make those decisions. If we do decide to go to a bar, her parents tag along (which is fine) and within a half hour are asking when we are ready to leave (which is not cool).
Am I the A-hole for bringing this up to my GF? I like her parents and enjoy their company, but I don't want to be around them 24/7 every time we go to the cabin for a long weekend. I just feel my GF needs to break out of the child role around them and start making her own decisions, but she is afraid of hurting her moms feelings....
Last edited by Grizzly Addams; 05-26-2020 at 10:02 AM..
I (29M) am struggling with something regarding my GF's (27F, soon to be fiancee) family dynamic that has kind of come to a head this past weekend.
The issue...
When we go up to my GF's parents cabin, her mom prefers (almost demands) doing everything together and always gets her way. We wake up, eat breakfast, play a game, go on a walk, eat lunch, play a game, go on the boat, make dinner, play a game.... TOGETHER. If they need to go to the grocery store, we all go. I find this very weird, and honestly quite annoying/boring, and it stems from my GFs inability to tell her mom we'd rather do something else. For instance, my girlfriend and I really enjoy golfing and thought this holiday weekend would be a good time. She asked her parents last week if they would like to golf as well, her mom was on board as she likes it(but she only likes doing 9 holes), her dad however didn't want to go at all as he doesn't enjoy it. So what happens... her mom forces her dad to come since we can't leave anyone out, and we only do 9 holes. This probably doesn't sound all that bad, but it's annoying and bothersome that she always gets her way. I don't mind that they came with, I am annoyed that my GF and I couldn't continue on and do the back 9 by ourselves.
I have mentioned this to my girlfriend. She sort of maintains this childlike role around her parents, where what they say goes, and it really bothers me. I feel like we have no freedom around them. For God's sake, we are 29 and 27, we should be able to go golf or go to a bar if we want to. But no, my GF is unable to make those decisions. If we do decide to go to a bar, her parents tag along (which is fine) and within a half hour are asking when we are ready to leave (which is not cool).
Am I the A-hole for bringing this up to my GF? I like her parents and enjoy their company, but I don't want to be around them 24/7 every time we go to the cabin for a long weekend. I just feel my GF needs to break out of the child role around them and start making her own decisions, but she is afraid of hurting her moms feelings....
Unless your girlfriend 1) admits that her approach is unhealthy and 2) gets focused therapy on how to establish emotional boundaries with her parents, this will always be a problem for you.
They won't see anything wrong since this is probably the way they've always lived. Now that you, the "outsider," have come into the dynamic, there is friction.
Wait till you have kids. It will be a hundred times worse.
There are adults I refer to as babies who have an unhealthy attachment to their families. They have to check in with them every day otherwise family member drives over and uses the spare key they were given to make sure the baby is okay. They go on vacations together and do everything together. They have a standing dinner date every week that is never broken no matter what is going on with other people. They might show up at some event, but not until after they've gone to that dinner. Even after a date, baby is texting someone to alert them that they're back home safe and sound.
Babies don't think they have a problem, they just think their family is close knit.
You have no prayer of ever changing this dynamic. You either put up with this your whole life if you end up married or you decide now you don't want to live like this and move on.
Unless your girlfriend 1) admits that her approach is unhealthy and 2) gets focused therapy on how to establish emotional boundaries with her parents, this will always be a problem for you.
They won't see anything wrong since this is probably the way they've always lived. Now that you, the "outsider," have come into the dynamic, there is friction.
Wait till you have kids. It will be a hundred times worse.
It's exactly as you said, it has always been that way and she wasn't really aware of it until I said something. My GF is going to a psychiatrist starting next week because she has some anxiety issues that stemmed from her relationship with her parents. I'm hoping that talking to a professional can help her break out of this line of thinking/behaving. Something else that kind of gets on my nerves when around her parents is that they all sort of talk like children to each other. They put on this baby voice, and ALWAYS ask how each other are doing. And I'm just sitting there thinking, "Is this really ****ing happening?"
To be completely honest with you guys, I think my GF realizes this is an issue, she is just struggling with how to change it now without hurting her parents feelings. She doesn't act like this around anyone else.
IDK, OP. As an adult couple, it's normal for you two to have your own life, your own activities. If she regresses to her 10-year-old self around her parents, and isn't able to break that pattern, you have two choices. 1) You go along with it. For the rest of your life. 2) You force the issue for her (since you've already tried to discuss it with her, and got nowhere), and say, that the next time there's some kind of family weekend getaway, you want the two of you to have some time to yourselves for a favorite activity. Or after finishing the 9holes of golf, and the parents start to leave, simply announce that you two will finish the next 9 holes, and will join the parents later.
That type of approach is the only way to move forward on this issue, it looks like. It should be a big traumatic thing. Parents can, and should, get used to their kids being independent adults. And the adult kids may need some coaxing to ease into that independence, when the parents try to maintain the old familiar dynamics.
If it doesn't work out, then you have a choice to make. Put up & shut up (for the rest of your life), or move on to find someone more independent of her parents.
It's exactly as you said, it has always been that way and she wasn't really aware of it until I said something. My GF is going to a psychiatrist starting next week because she has some anxiety issues that stemmed from her relationship with her parents. I'm hoping that talking to a professional can help her break out of this line of thinking/behaving. Something else that kind of gets on my nerves when around her parents is that they all sort of talk like children to each other. They put on this baby voice, and ALWAYS ask how each other are doing. And I'm just sitting there thinking, "Is this really ****ing happening?"
To be completely honest with you guys, I think my GF realizes this is an issue, she is just struggling with how to change it now without hurting her parents feelings. She doesn't act like this around anyone else.
OK, I just saw this. Something like that could work, but psychiatrists are mainly for diagnosing conditions and writing prescriptions for them. Generally, they're not therapists. Depending on how the sessions go, she may be better off working with a psychotherapist.
Wow, I've know some families that enjoy doing things together but i do not recall anyone ever mentioning that if a family member needs to go to the grocery store they ALL go to the grocery store. Sheesh! Next I'm expecting you to say that all of them use the bathroom and/or take showers together.
I hope that you take plenty of vacations and weekends together just you and your GF, without her parents. And during weekends at the family cabin, always take two cars so that the two of you can spend time alone, go to the bars, play golf, etc. etc.
Please, please work this out before you get married and especially before you have children.
OK, I just saw this. Something like that could work, but psychiatrists are mainly for diagnosing conditions and writing prescriptions for them. Generally, they're not therapists. Depending on how the sessions go, she may be better off working with a psychotherapist.
She is going to a therapist. Might not be a psychiatrist. She doesn't just want a medication, she wants to learn how to handle it naturally. She has started some mindfulness stuff that has really helped her.
I am just really happy and proud of her that she wants to work on this instead of leaving it as a pain point.
Great that she's seeking help for this. Expect MAJOR push back from family once she starts disengaging.
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