When you want to "know someone" via OLD-chat...?

[mlj1225]

There is a lot of value in chatting and talking a bit before a meetup. Are there any core commonalities? Extremely differing viewpoints on important items? What about finding out about similar interests?

Agreeing to a date during the first 'chat' is never something that I would do.

[Mink57]

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

So lately I've looking to increase efficiency a bit, to waste less time I skip the small talk in chat and go straight for asking women out in the first message I send since about maybe 2 weeks back. So far it seems to work, more dates and less chatting. The "eternal pen-pals" appear to be screened out. The problem is in between:
Now there is about 8-9 matches that replied with different versions of "maybe later but I'd like to get to know you in text-form here first"

My question is why?
Our profiles state the usual facts, there is nothing I can ask of her that would answer anything I'd need to know. It's not like I care what her pets name is or what she studied at uni, or that I enjoy seeing another exceptionally unique list of interests like netflix-music-shopping-traveling-exercise (we should have 1 emoji for this standard set of interests).

Questions like "Will we have chemistry?" "Do I enjoy listening to her voice?" "Does she appear thoughtful and sincere in conversation?" etc are far more relevant to me, and all of them are exclusively things that can only be found out in person.

Also I'm kinda tired of all these small-talk chats about nothing that lead nowhere.
Do you have any idea of what the actual point is or what you can actually figure out about someone via text that is important to know before meeting?

Yeah. Stop looking at life like it's all supposed to be "logical"...like there's some 'script' that you should follow, in order to ''get the 'prize'"...in order to get laid.

Most women don't want to "get laid". They want a relationship with someone who 'gets' them. Is sex important to them? Yup. Is it the ONLY thing that's important? Nope. Is it the MAIN thing that's important...No, no and NO again!

Most women don't stifle a man's sexual advances because they want to know a mans testicles are hurting. Heck, men can "relieve themselves'. Women want to know that *you're* not in "it" JUST because you think 'She's the ONE.....to relieve my hurting balls...even if I have to MARRY her to do that...."

You say you're "kind tired of small talk about nothing" Nothing to WHOM??? YOU? HER? What you may think as "small talk", may just be what SHE needs...yes, NEEDS from you, in order for you to "score".

I really, really PITY you guys, sometimes....

[Daffodil_fields]

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

So lately I've looking to increase efficiency a bit, to waste less time I skip the small talk in chat and go straight for asking women out in the first message

Wait, "increase efficiency"? Are we talking about air conditioner units? Well, I wouldn't even reply back to an online dating guy who asked me out in the first message. I would think either he wants a hook up or he is an axe murderer. Generally speaking, women will be more cautious to meet a total stranger in person.

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

Also I'm kinda tired of all these small-talk chats about nothing that lead nowhere.

Again, okay as long as you are looking for a one night stand...

Sounds like you have had so many bad experiences OLD that you want to rush through the whole thing and get to the "good stuff". If you are "tired of the small talk" now, how do you plan to form a relationship with anyone long term?

Are you meeting them so quickly to see if you are physically attracted only? I just don't get what you are trying to accomplish by rushing the whole thing. Don't put your past bad experiences OLD on to these new women. Your baggage is not their problem.

[SwedishViking]

Originally Posted by timberline742

I would have no interest in meeting a woman that wasn't interested in learning about me, my values, my interests and what makes me tick. There has to be a reason for me to bother to meet her, and that's a two way street. Up until then, all I have a is a couple of pics and a few words that don't tell me much. Not worth it.

´

The point of meeting would be to learn those things, the bad part about a text conversation is, what do you ask to actually find this out?
"Hello are your values good?" "Hello my view on human values and equality is X, do you share them?"

Nothing in text matters, and most often the ones where there has been good flow in texting and every single issue from politics to dream housing, to religion, to how many children, whether we'd want a dog, what kind of car we'd like has been discussed and then 50 million messages later... end up being horribly stale and awkward dates.

Originally Posted by zentropa

So, you are only interested in knowing "facts" about people? Nothing else matters but the superficial?

Most neurotypical individuals will also be interested in more esoteric, hard-to-quantify traits like demonstrated intelligence, wit, positive outlook, etc.

For those black-and-white spectrum types these qualities are not interesting or necessary I guess.

Everything that concerns anyone is a fact. A mannerism is a fact. I particularly liked how much ex GF was expressive with her eyebrows for example. How she did that was fact of her behavior. How would I ask to find out about that in a text?

I cannot think of a way.

Originally Posted by mlj1225

There is a lot of value in chatting and talking a bit before a meetup. Are there any core commonalities? Extremely differing viewpoints on important items? What about finding out about similar interests?

Agreeing to a date during the first 'chat' is never something that I would do.

But if you ask someone what values he has in terms of let's just say "house chores and gender roles", why would you assume he told you what his values on the subject are if you cant see him when he says it?
Almost all the information about whether or not he is actually in agreement with you, or whether he is sincere when answering an open question in a way which he thinks you'd like, comes essentially from facial expression. The text has nearly no informational value unless you assume the person is genuine, which again is hard to judge unless you meet them.
I've had two dates (after first messages, yes) that were rather insincere individuals. Finding this out after 1 text of agreeing to meet and 3~ to set it up and then a quick talk, takes so much less time than a multi-day text conversation.

It doesn't have to be about dishonesty to you neither, most people are better at lying to themselves than to others.

Originally Posted by Daffodil_fields

Wait, "increase efficiency"? Are we talking about air conditioner units? Well, I wouldn't even reply back to an online dating guy who asked me out in the first message. I would think either he wants a hook up or he is an axe murderer. Generally speaking, women will be more cautious to meet a total stranger in person.

Again, okay as long as you are looking for a one night stand...

Sounds like you have had so many bad experiences OLD that you want to rush through the whole thing and get to the "good stuff". If you are "tired of the small talk" now, how do you plan to form a relationship with anyone long term?

Are you meeting them so quickly to see if you are physically attracted only? I just don't get what you are trying to accomplish by rushing the whole thing. Don't put your past bad experiences OLD on to these new women. Your baggage is not their problem.

Well what is essentially happening is that there is 4 options when I send my first message after matching;
1. She unmatches/says no -> I unmatch -> no issue we've both saved time, case closed.
2. She agrees to meet, we set it up and we find out whether there is something to build on.
3. She does not reply at all, in which case I send a new message after a couple of days and unmatch if she is still unresponsive.
4. She goes "humm, idk, I want to know you before meeting..." -> This forth scenario happens relatively often, and I haven't found any method of making it meaningful, which is why I got thinking "should I even bother, as long as scenario number 2 happens often enough?

The main issue with scenario number 4, which the thread is about, is that I have never come across anyone who claims to "want to know me first" who has any kind of questions or displays any kind of interest. Which comes bakc to why I don't understand what the point is?

My first message is not "hey let's get laid" btw, it's more like
"Hey [Name], I really like the XYZ on pic 123.
I recently found about about this [insert place], I'd like to try it, what do you say meet up and get to know each other while [insert activity]."
Daytime/afterwork stuff in public places. (Though after the last 2 I've brought to play pool, the staff has been looking at me weird lol)

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

´

The point of meeting would be to learn those things, the bad part about a text conversation is, what do you ask to actually find this out?
"Hello are your values good?" "Hello my view on human values and equality is X, do you share them?"

Nothing in text matters, and most often the ones where there has been good flow in texting and every single issue from politics to dream housing, to religion, to how many children, whether we'd want a dog, what kind of car we'd like has been discussed and then 50 million messages later... end up being horribly stale and awkward dates.

Lots in text matters. We find out if we want to meet, and the normal interviewy type questions are out of the way. When we then meet, its about having fun. The worst dates are where you are still trying to figure out if you have anything in common or shared values.



Your example of a conversation shows a person that doesn't know how to have a conversation. You don't ask what someones values are. You discuss things, and introduce topics, and discuss them and that reveals their values. What you wrote is awkward as F. If a woman said something like that to me; instant unmatch.



If you want to meet everyone you connect with, go ahead. I have no time or interest in doing so. I doubt I end up being interested in meeting more than 1 in 15 to 20 people I chat with, and that (pre pandemic) kept me plenty busy.

[OscarNiemeyer]

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

So lately I've looking to increase efficiency a bit, to waste less time I skip the small talk in chat and go straight for asking women out in the first message I send since about maybe 2 weeks back. So far it seems to work, more dates and less chatting. The "eternal pen-pals" appear to be screened out. The problem is in between:
Now there is about 8-9 matches that replied with different versions of "maybe later but I'd like to get to know you in text-form here first"

My question is why?
Our profiles state the usual facts, there is nothing I can ask of her that would answer anything I'd need to know. It's not like I care what her pets name is or what she studied at uni, or that I enjoy seeing another exceptionally unique list of interests like netflix-music-shopping-traveling-exercise (we should have 1 emoji for this standard set of interests).

Questions like "Will we have chemistry?" "Do I enjoy listening to her voice?" "Does she appear thoughtful and sincere in conversation?" etc are far more relevant to me, and all of them are exclusively things that can only be found out in person.

Also I'm kinda tired of all these small-talk chats about nothing that lead nowhere.
Do you have any idea of what the actual point is or what you can actually figure out about someone via text that is important to know before meeting?

I see nothing wrong with asking for the insta-date if you sense that this woman might be up for it. I have done that myself. I would expect a higher rate of females flaking if you haven't put enough time solidifying the number by talking with her first. But assuming you are willing to put up with that risk, go for it.

As to why 8-9 give you give you some version of "I would like to get to know you better". They want to feel more comfortable around you. The subtext of small talk is building comfort. A lot of women are trying to avoid getting stuck in a bad first date, where she is stuck sharing lunch with someone where their is nothing to talk about. Also some women are just trying to figure out if you are a psycho killer. Its these types of concerns.