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His family also had it (mother, father, brother), and I don't know how they were all diagnosed back then. But, when he had his two sons in the 1990's, he knew right away one was Asperger's, and then the second son was, also. In fact, their doctor recommended they have a second child, that it would help the first son with his socialization, to have a sibling close in age.
Him and his ex wife took them to a psychiatrist for treatment. Talk therapy... and I believe one was on Adderall. He said the other son "grew out of it" once he got to be about 20 years old.
Again, not sure all the details... it was before I knew him. To me, he seemed (quote) normal acting. He did that thing, what is it called, when you twirl stuff or pick at your fingernails, when he was nervous or uncomfortable. There is a term for it, sorry I can't think of it offhand.
Tics.
My son had a couple or three.
In grade school, he would twirl a pencil back and forth, back and forth. His teacher explained that it was his way of staying focused.
He also had a thing where he'd sniff his fingers every couple of minutes. That lasted about a year.
Now, he has a thing that he does, that when he's talking, like in conversation with someone, he has this thing where he sticks his lower jaw out...like as if he had an underbite. I think, to someone who didn't know him, they wouldn't pick up on it too much. But it could also just be a habit for him. I'm not sure.
My son HAS mostly outgrown his Asperger's traits. I'm not sure how long a stranger could be around him, and pick up on the fact that something's different. I think probably, they'd have to be around him for awhile.
I think it just depends on the individuals and their needs. I need sensitive and intuitive emotional support from a LTR partner and that cannot be an expectation from an autistic person. My friend is a software engineer on the spectrum, had a frustrating time dating and found he did better with a certain type of woman, like a "one of the guys" type who didn't confuse him so much.
Doesn't sound like Asperger's at all. Again, sounds like someone with psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies. Honestly, you sound scary to me (which you will likely find amusing ... which of course is itself rather horrifying).
Right? Dismissing the feelings of someone who cares about something as "stupid" just gave me chills. It's so cold and unempathetic.
Those don't sound like Asperger's at all ... more like he was a psychopath or sociopath.
I teach at a college that has enrolled many students with HFA. I've had a few in my classes, and they were extremely bright but simply didn't understand social cues.
Doesn't sound like Asperger's at all. Again, sounds like someone with psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies. Honestly, you sound scary to me (which you will likely find amusing ... which of course is itself rather horrifying).
Um...yeah. Doesn’t sound like HFA. My ex-husband has HFA and that is definitely not how his traits manifested during our marriage. While he did struggle with emotional intimacy, likely a combination of factors, like his upbringing, he wasn’t cold, aloof, or distant. He wasn’t uncaring, vindictive, controlling, angry, etc. I don’t recall him ever raising his voice. He’s very mild-mannered. He did/does struggle with communication and understanding social cues and dynamics. Being in the military, where he had structure, helped him. He, like many HFA, was a chameleon, and he mimicked behaviors or cues that he observed to figure out how to navigate social environments. He struggled a bit with executive functioning skills, which again, the military’s structure and routine helped him adapt. Our 13 year-old has practically identical traits. She’s a bit stoic, also mild-mannered, and selectively mute. Our 10 year-old’s traits manifest in different ways, and he also has ADHD. He’s more sensory-seeking (vs. his sister’s sensory avoidant traits) and he doesn’t respond well to change. His interests and focus is very narrow and it’s more difficult for him to understand other people’s perspectives. He has more black & white thinking. He’s more inflexible in his thinking. But distant, cold, angry, uncaring-seeming...nope.
Women complain that Aspie men don't show empathy, sympathy, don't express appreciation, don't compliment them, seem indifferent and self-absorbed. Would an Aspie man be bothered or even notice if a woman acted the same? Would he complain about it? Would he even notice?
I'd really like to learn more about this, because I strongly suspect my ex-husband (married 22 years) is HFA. Or he has a personality disorder. Or he's sociopathic. Or maybe all 3.
Yes, his behaviors could simply be due to what he learned in his very emotionally distant family, because all 3 of his siblings show similar behavioral patterns, either less severe or more severe.
Okay...I'll look at this like a case study.
Neurodevelopmental issues and mental health concerns can both be exacerbated by environmental factors. The old nature and nurture combo. A person with an autism dx or psychiatric d's can also easily be affected by upbringing...none negates the other.
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Other than in the first 2-3 years of our marriage, he was always very emotionally distant (my SIL once referred to him as "one cold fish"). In fact, I truly feel that our courtship was a proverbial bait and switch, because he presented himself as someone he wasn't, which I began to learn 2 or 3 years in when his true personality began to emerge.
While a seeming or perceived failure to emotionally connect with others can be an ASD-related trait, being manipulative and calculating a bait and switch that involves years of conning somebody about who you really are really isn't. Blunt straightforwardness about self and motivations is far more common. Artifice is extremely hard for individuals on the spectrum to maintain. There is absolutely an element of being a chameleon of sorts as needed in shorter term, less in-depth interactions...But in years of interacting with family, a partner, sustaining a functional alter ego full time, convincingly, is less likely.
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To the world, he usually presented himself (still does) on a very superficial level as someone who's easy-going, happy-go-lucky, sociable, cooperative, fun. The antithesis of who he truly is. And, as the years when on, I feel he became worse. I think most people, women and men, mellow with age. He didn't.
Again, an extreme charade (and a convincing one) would be taxing for a person with ASD, no matter how high functioning, to sustain long term.
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Eventually, I could no longer take his excessively controlling nature; his complete inability to relax and enjoy the company of others; his workaholism; his arrogance; his refusal to help around the house and to see things that desperately needed done; his inflexibility and obstructionism; his inability and lack of desire to connect emotionally with anyone, including his wife and 3 kids. He was present physically (I frequently wished he wasn't around) but certainly not emotionally. He barely spoke to me or to my family and friends. The only emotion he seemed to be comfortable showing was anger.
Are these traits of a man with Aspergers? I've read the testimonies of wives/former wives/girlfriends of Aspie men on a site dedicated to helping partners cope, and their stories sound just like mine. But then I read other articles, etc that seem to suggest these are NOT typical HFA behaviors.
These are also traits of a range of personality disorders, and high levels of rigidity and oppositional behavior can be hallmarks of obsessive compulsive spectrum behaviors, etc.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 06-13-2020 at 11:33 PM..
Neurodevelopmental issues and mental health concerns can both be exacerbated by environmental factors. The old nature and nurture combo. A person with an autism dx or psychiatric d's can also easily be affected by upbringing...none negates the other.
While a seeming or perceived failure to emotionally connect with others can be an ASD-related trait, being manipulative and calculating a bait and switch that involves years of conning somebody about who you really are really isn't. Blunt straightforwardness about self and motivations is far more common. Artifice is extremely hard for individuals on the spectrum to maintain. There is absolutely an element of being a chameleon of sorts as needed in shorter term, less in-depth interactions...But in years of interacting with family, a partner, sustaining a functional alter ego full time, convincingly, is less likely.
Again, an extreme charade (and a convincing one) would be taxing for a person with ASD, no matter how high functioning, to sustain long term.
These are also traits of a range of personality disorders, and high levels of rigidity and oppositional behavior can be hallmarks of obsessive compulsive spectrum behaviors, etc.
Thank you so much for this feedback! Very helpful.
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