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I just had a one hour call with my therapist and I expressed my concern about needing in patient therapy and she said that she could understand that mindset, but knowing that I have to work and the expense involved of doing that --- she suggested I just work with her every day for at least an hour until I get though this.
As far as what we are doing -- we are talking about what it is about me that wants me to return to this. ANd also having me talk out loud about the various examples of emotional abuse. And how many times i've gone back and tried before and look where I'm at...
She also believes that the reason he didn't want to leave... despite his non stop threats of leaving ME ...was that he wanted to keep controlling me and berating me. That it wasn't about love... it was about the control and being able to treat me like a doormat.
She also believes that the reason he didn't want to leave... despite his non stop threats of leaving ME ...was that he wanted to keep controlling me and berating me. That it wasn't about love... it was about the control and being able to treat me like a doormat.
Most of us here have been saying that.
What is she telling you about coping skills to get to tomorrow?
Just trying to reach out to a trusted friend to talk to if I have the compulsion to contact him.
And mediation. My I am acting like an addict. She said it's the brain -- and that it is normal for the brain to have the thoughts to go back to the habit. And that I need to get through it ....like heroin or something.
I just need to keep seeing the negativity in this relationship and stop blaming myself for all of it.
And thinking i can fix it...when he isn't willing to do any work on himself.

First time poster….long time lurker. Thank you for reading this.
Here it goes.
My fiance has 2 older children. They are 22 and 24. When we met, they were not very involved in his life and always ended up staying with their mother.
They don’t really speak to me. I tried initially to ask them to go shopping or go get manicures and they had excuses each and every time.
My fiance told me that I was intimidating to them because I dressed too nice or seemed too “professionalâ€.
Long story short, we went on a couple of vacations with them. The first was a ski vacation that we flew to…and they were aloof. One of the daughters got screamed at by my fiance for forgetting ski pass and everything was rough and very strange from there on out.
It was not what I would consider a success, by any means.
The next was a driving trip 8 hours to a beach over a year ago. The girls LOVE the beach. I hate the beach. I am fair skinned and I hate baking in the sun but I sucked it up the best I could.
My fiance got angry a few times over strange things related to dinner reservations etc. But it was an ‘ok’ trip. I was NOT a fan. But I held it together.
Since then, my fiance has told me that his kids have been increasingly worse in their feelings about me. He constantly tells me they feel uncomfortable around me and tell him (behind my back) that I “glare at themâ€. I have NEVER!
During the time of COVID, my fiance and I had disputes about the fact that they were coming in and out of our place without masks or washing their hands and I didn’t feel safe around them. They don’t live with us and I felt ‘shelter in place’ was necessary and didn’t need to be constant in contact with their spring breaker friends.
I would retreat into the other room when they came and would avoid saying anything….but I wanted to be away from them and their germs.
He made fun of me. He told me I was crazy and paranoid. I simply asked them to WASH hands and wear a mask when they come in and out. He told me I was crazy and that COVID was not going to “attack me†(mocking me)
Now we are in a different issue. He wants to go on vacation. He told me he had dinner with them and wanted to take him to visit his “hometown of Puerto Ricoâ€. He’s been saying this for 5 years. So, let’s find the WORST time in history to fly to Puerto Rico.
I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that right now. He said …so what? I said, I don’t know. I have to work. I need to keep my business going.
He said that he was thinking of taking his adult kids on a summer vacation and driving (now) to the mountains (17 hours). I said I need to work… and I also don’t feel comfortable being trapped in a car with your kids for 17 hours — when you tell me they don’t like me. And you constantly pit us against each other.
He then went on to say that he just thinks it’s MY fault and that I just don’t like them. I said how can I develop a relationship with them when they don’t communicate much when I talk to them…and you constantly cause tension between us.
He said well I’m offering a vacation. I said it’s not a vacation. I need to work. I can’t be off during the time you are suggesting and I can’t trust remote work when we are traveling across the country in a large SUV for 17 hours each way….with your kids loud in the background.
(Recently I tried doing video in our place and they came and ran a blender in the kitchen after SEEING that I was on video when they walked in. I asked him to please ask them not to do something like that and he said “you won’t control me or my childrenâ€. UMMM I was ON A VIDEO when they WALKED IN.
He said they ran the blender “lightly†to try to be nicer. (Whatever)
So, after he asked several times in the past week, I told him I could not commit that amount of time to go road tripping with his adult children. (Feels and sounds like torture).
He said ok, so then what? I said I could do a quick weekend or something — but it’s all so expensive. i said what if you went with your kids and then we just went by ourselves away for a quick weekend. He blew up. He said “you are becoming more and more distant and it’s REALLY clear now you HATE my kids and my family. Then made all kinds of insults about my allegiance to his family.
I said I am trying to be helpful. If you want to go with your kids by yourselves…that’s fine with me. He blew up. he said that would be the end of our relationship.
A few days passed and he started planning trip for just the two of us…and then told me it was too expensive and thought I was “trying to take advantage of his money†because I chose a nice place in Colorado.
I said then DO NOT GO! SO he didn’t. Said we werent going anywhere.. then TODAY said he was talking to his kids and they want to take a road trip to Aspen and he could rent a house and would like us to go.
I said I can NOT go on that kind of road trip. We’ve been over this… He mocked me and said I was a “prima donna†because I simply wanted to fly and that I am traveling for WORK later this month. I said it’s WORK. It’s a 10k contract. I have to go!
He said that I am showing my true colors….
I said GO with your kids. It’s fine with me. He said if I said that again ..he will do it …and “call my bluff†and he may never return.
He went to work out and I let him know that I have 2 work travel trips (including the one I mentioned) He blew up and said that I am fine to travel for work, but not with him and his kids. And that I am probably going to meet men. I made the trip so HE COULD GO WITH ME. I knew the days he has off and I made the trip so he could come.
He said that it’s bull****…and he’s sick of my ****…and my “control†tactics.
I am just stunned. I really feel like I am always wrong. And I come here to find out 1) Am I bad for not wanting to go on a long road trip with his adult kids who apparently don’t like me? 2) is it bad that I have to work and travel over this so called trip… 3) What can I do?
Kids will always come first with him.
Let him go on Vacation with just them.
Use the time to relax and decide your future.
Neither of you are flexible.
Going forward whenever his name or thought of him comes into your mind, replace it with “the Abuserâ€. Every. Single. Time.
Hopefully it will help you realize that an emotionally healthy person would not return to a relationship with an abuser. Diminish his power over you. It is good you have daily contact with your therapist.
If you ever returned to him now, he would feel like the victor and feel more powerful as he would have completely brainwashed (gaslighted) you. The abuse would only get worse and might escalate beyond verbal.
Thank you. I see that it would be even more difficult for me to return now because he would hold it against me that I kicked him out and say I didn't love him enough etc.
I'm sure al the horrible things that I've heard would grow even worse.. I don't know why I think I can fix it and make everything okay. I wish I could...
Quote:
Originally Posted by shamrock4
Going forward whenever his name or thought of him comes into your mind, replace it with “the Abuserâ€. Every. Single. Time.
Hopefully it will help you realize that an emotionally healthy person would not return to a relationship with an abuser. Diminish his power over you. It is good you have daily contact with your therapist.
If you ever returned to him now, he would feel like the victor and feel more powerful as he would have completely brainwashed (gaslighted) you. The abuse would only get worse and might escalate beyond verbal.
He sounds like a bit of an idiot, not sure why you want to marry him. But I don't get why he just can't go on the vacation without you? This isn't at all a normal or healthy relationship. this is all drama and issues and control. What is the big deal about going on a separation vacation? Why all the dramatics? why all the control? why does this sound like a good person to marry?
I just had a one hour call with my therapist and I expressed my concern about needing in patient therapy and she said that she could understand that mindset, but knowing that I have to work and the expense involved of doing that --- she suggested I just work with her every day for at least an hour until I get though this.
As far as what we are doing -- we are talking about what it is about me that wants me to return to this. ANd also having me talk out loud about the various examples of emotional abuse. And how many times i've gone back and tried before and look where I'm at...
She also believes that the reason he didn't want to leave... despite his non stop threats of leaving ME ...was that he wanted to keep controlling me and berating me. That it wasn't about love... it was about the control and being able to treat me like a doormat.
Talking to the therapist every day, sounds like an excellent idea. Keep at it!
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