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First time poster….long time lurker. Thank you for reading this.
Here it goes.
My fiance has 2 older children. They are 22 and 24. When we met, they were not very involved in his life and always ended up staying with their mother.
We’d meet them for dinner or lunch at restaurants, but they never stayed over. The only night they would stay overnight was Christmas eve, so they could receive the lucrative gifts that my fiancée spoiled them with.
They don’t really speak to me. I tried initially to ask them to go shopping or go get manicures and they had excuses each and every time.
My fiance told me that I was intimidating to them because I dressed too nice or seemed too “professional”.
Long story short, we went on a couple of vacations with them. The first was a ski vacation that we flew to…and they were aloof. One of the daughters got screamed at by my fiance for forgetting ski pass and everything was rough and very strange from there on out.
It was not what I would consider a success, by any means.
The next was a driving trip 8 hours to a beach over a year ago. The girls LOVE the beach. I hate the beach. I am fair skinned and I hate baking in the sun but I sucked it up the best I could.
My fiance got angry a few times over strange things related to dinner reservations etc. But it was an ‘ok’ trip. I was NOT a fan. But I held it together.
Since then, my fiance has told me that his kids have been increasingly worse in their feelings about me. He constantly tells me they feel uncomfortable around me and tell him (behind my back) that I “glare at them”. I have NEVER!
During the time of COVID, my fiance and I had disputes about the fact that they were coming in and out of our place without masks or washing their hands and I didn’t feel safe around them. They don’t live with us and I felt ‘shelter in place’ was necessary and didn’t need to be constant in contact with their spring breaker friends.
I would retreat into the other room when they came and would avoid saying anything….but I wanted to be away from them and their germs.
He made fun of me. He told me I was crazy and paranoid. I simply asked them to WASH hands and wear a mask when they come in and out. He told me I was crazy and that COVID was not going to “attack me” (mocking me)
Now we are in a different issue. He wants to go on vacation. He told me he had dinner with them and wanted to take him to visit his “hometown of Puerto Rico”. He’s been saying this for 5 years. So, let’s find the WORST time in history to fly to Puerto Rico.
I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that right now. He said …so what? I said, I don’t know. I have to work. I need to keep my business going.
He said that he was thinking of taking his adult kids on a summer vacation and driving (now) to the mountains (17 hours). I said I need to work… and I also don’t feel comfortable being trapped in a car with your kids for 17 hours — when you tell me they don’t like me. And you constantly pit us against each other.
He then went on to say that he just thinks it’s MY fault and that I just don’t like them. I said how can I develop a relationship with them when they don’t communicate much when I talk to them…and you constantly cause tension between us.
He said well I’m offering a vacation. I said it’s not a vacation. I need to work. I can’t be off during the time you are suggesting and I can’t trust remote work when we are traveling across the country in a large SUV for 17 hours each way….with your kids loud in the background.
(Recently I tried doing video in our place and they came and ran a blender in the kitchen after SEEING that I was on video when they walked in. I asked him to please ask them not to do something like that and he said “you won’t control me or my children”. UMMM I was ON A VIDEO when they WALKED IN.
He said they ran the blender “lightly” to try to be nicer. (Whatever)
So, after he asked several times in the past week, I told him I could not commit that amount of time to go road tripping with his adult children. (Feels and sounds like torture).
He said ok, so then what? I said I could do a quick weekend or something — but it’s all so expensive. i said what if you went with your kids and then we just went by ourselves away for a quick weekend. He blew up. He said “you are becoming more and more distant and it’s REALLY clear now you HATE my kids and my family. Then made all kinds of insults about my allegiance to his family.
I said I am trying to be helpful. If you want to go with your kids by yourselves…that’s fine with me. He blew up. he said that would be the end of our relationship.
A few days passed and he started planning trip for just the two of us…and then told me it was too expensive and thought I was “trying to take advantage of his money” because I chose a nice place in Colorado.
I said then DO NOT GO! SO he didn’t. Said we werent going anywhere.. then TODAY said he was talking to his kids and they want to take a road trip to Aspen and he could rent a house and would like us to go.
I said I can NOT go on that kind of road trip. We’ve been over this… He mocked me and said I was a “prima donna” because I simply wanted to fly and that I am traveling for WORK later this month. I said it’s WORK. It’s a 10k contract. I have to go!
He said that I am showing my true colors….
I said GO with your kids. It’s fine with me. He said if I said that again ..he will do it …and “call my bluff” and he may never return.
He went to work out and I let him know that I have 2 work travel trips (including the one I mentioned) He blew up and said that I am fine to travel for work, but not with him and his kids. And that I am probably going to meet men. I made the trip so HE COULD GO WITH ME. I knew the days he has off and I made the trip so he could come.
He said that it’s bull****…and he’s sick of my ****…and my “control” tactics.
I am just stunned. I really feel like I am always wrong. And I come here to find out 1) Am I bad for not wanting to go on a long road trip with his adult kids who apparently don’t like me? 2) is it bad that I have to work and travel over this so called trip… 3) What can I do?
First time poster….long time lurker. Thank you for reading this.
Here it goes.
My fiance has 2 older children. They are 22 and 24. When we met, they were not very involved in his life and always ended up staying with their mother.
We’d meet them for dinner or lunch at restaurants, but they never stayed over. The only night they would stay overnight was Christmas eve, so they could receive the lucrative gifts that my fiancée spoiled them with.
They don’t really speak to me. I tried initially to ask them to go shopping or go get manicures and they had excuses each and every time.
My fiance told me that I was intimidating to them because I dressed too nice or seemed too “professional”.
Long story short, we went on a couple of vacations with them. The first was a ski vacation that we flew to…and they were aloof. One of the daughters got screamed at by my fiance for forgetting ski pass and everything was rough and very strange from there on out.
It was not what I would consider a success, by any means.
The next was a driving trip 8 hours to a beach over a year ago. The girls LOVE the beach. I hate the beach. I am fair skinned and I hate baking in the sun but I sucked it up the best I could.
My fiance got angry a few times over strange things related to dinner reservations etc. But it was an ‘ok’ trip. I was NOT a fan. But I held it together.
Since then, my fiance has told me that his kids have been increasingly worse in their feelings about me. He constantly tells me they feel uncomfortable around me and tell him (behind my back) that I “glare at them”. I have NEVER!
During the time of COVID, my fiance and I had disputes about the fact that they were coming in and out of our place without masks or washing their hands and I didn’t feel safe around them. They don’t live with us and I felt ‘shelter in place’ was necessary and didn’t need to be constant in contact with their spring breaker friends.
I would retreat into the other room when they came and would avoid saying anything….but I wanted to be away from them and their germs.
He made fun of me. He told me I was crazy and paranoid. I simply asked them to WASH hands and wear a mask when they come in and out. He told me I was crazy and that COVID was not going to “attack me” (mocking me)
Now we are in a different issue. He wants to go on vacation. He told me he had dinner with them and wanted to take him to visit his “hometown of Puerto Rico”. He’s been saying this for 5 years. So, let’s find the WORST time in history to fly to Puerto Rico.
I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that right now. He said …so what? I said, I don’t know. I have to work. I need to keep my business going.
He said that he was thinking of taking his adult kids on a summer vacation and driving (now) to the mountains (17 hours). I said I need to work… and I also don’t feel comfortable being trapped in a car with your kids for 17 hours — when you tell me they don’t like me. And you constantly pit us against each other.
He then went on to say that he just thinks it’s MY fault and that I just don’t like them. I said how can I develop a relationship with them when they don’t communicate much when I talk to them…and you constantly cause tension between us.
He said well I’m offering a vacation. I said it’s not a vacation. I need to work. I can’t be off during the time you are suggesting and I can’t trust remote work when we are traveling across the country in a large SUV for 17 hours each way….with your kids loud in the background.
(Recently I tried doing video in our place and they came and ran a blender in the kitchen after SEEING that I was on video when they walked in. I asked him to please ask them not to do something like that and he said “you won’t control me or my children”. UMMM I was ON A VIDEO when they WALKED IN.
He said they ran the blender “lightly” to try to be nicer. (Whatever)
So, after he asked several times in the past week, I told him I could not commit that amount of time to go road tripping with his adult children. (Feels and sounds like torture).
He said ok, so then what? I said I could do a quick weekend or something — but it’s all so expensive. i said what if you went with your kids and then we just went by ourselves away for a quick weekend. He blew up. He said “you are becoming more and more distant and it’s REALLY clear now you HATE my kids and my family. Then made all kinds of insults about my allegiance to his family.
I said I am trying to be helpful. If you want to go with your kids by yourselves…that’s fine with me. He blew up. he said that would be the end of our relationship.
A few days passed and he started planning trip for just the two of us…and then told me it was too expensive and thought I was “trying to take advantage of his money” because I chose a nice place in Colorado.
I said then DO NOT GO! SO he didn’t. Said we werent going anywhere.. then TODAY said he was talking to his kids and they want to take a road trip to Aspen and he could rent a house and would like us to go.
I said I can NOT go on that kind of road trip. We’ve been over this… He mocked me and said I was a “prima donna” because I simply wanted to fly and that I am traveling for WORK later this month. I said it’s WORK. It’s a 10k contract. I have to go!
He said that I am showing my true colors….
I said GO with your kids. It’s fine with me. He said if I said that again ..he will do it …and “call my bluff” and he may never return.
He went to work out and I let him know that I have 2 work travel trips (including the one I mentioned) He blew up and said that I am fine to travel for work, but not with him and his kids. And that I am probably going to meet men. I made the trip so HE COULD GO WITH ME. I knew the days he has off and I made the trip so he could come.
He said that it’s bull****…and he’s sick of my ****…and my “control” tactics.
I am just stunned. I really feel like I am always wrong. And I come here to find out 1) Am I bad for not wanting to go on a long road trip with his adult kids who apparently don’t like me? 2) is it bad that I have to work and travel over this so called trip… 3) What can I do?
Sorry, this isn't sustainable.
You're both inflexible. There's NO compromise, or if there is, it's begrudging (you) or comes with lashing out and name-calling (him).
I've never had a significant other call me names the way you've described. This is unacceptable. And it's clear you don't gel with his kids, who are important to him.
From here, the way I see it, this won't - and shouldn't - last.
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 06-11-2020 at 08:03 PM..
I would be his FOURTH wife. (third was only a year...and he got annulled, but still) The kids probably can't trust anyone.
I am mad that I have so much resentment ...but they are NOT nice or welcoming despite what i've tried. I think the most difficult thing is for me to give myself a pass...for having these feelings. I wish I could fix it all and be the person he needs. But I am angry internally. Can I fix it? SHould I?
I would be his FOURTH wife. (third was only a year...and he got annulled, but still) The kids probably can't trust anyone.
I am mad that I have so much resentment ...but they are NOT nice or welcoming despite what i've tried. I think the most difficult thing is for me to give myself a pass...for having these feelings. I wish I could fix it all and be the person he needs. But I am angry internally. Can I fix it? SHould I?
I would be his FOURTH wife. (third was only a year...and he got annulled, but still) The kids probably can't trust anyone.
I am mad that I have so much resentment ...but they are NOT nice or welcoming despite what i've tried. I think the most difficult thing is for me to give myself a pass...for having these feelings. I wish I could fix it all and be the person he needs. But I am angry internally. Can I fix it? SHould I?
Take it from another Puerto Rican.... don't walk.. "RUN". He is already showing you his true self. It will not get better from here. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.
There is nothing you can say or do that will fix your relationship with him and his tribe. He will always side with his family and put you on the back burner.
OP, you sounds like an amazing person. It is your fiancé that is not understanding and unreasonable. According to everything you describe, it seems like he is the one that’s being unreasonable, and doesn’t consider how you feel.
I don’t like to say this, but I’m afraid this may not be the relationship you want to go down the road. If you do, chance is that you will end up becoming the 5th ex wife.
I don’t think you can fix anything here mainly because the problem is on him.
He sounds like a previous absentee father who is now a big hero in his own mind for planning all of these wonderful things with his adult children, now that he doesn't have to deal with the burden of raising them.
He's also a controlling, manipulative ahole.
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