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I have told myself that I should leave on or before the anniversary. (That he doesn't even remember).
I recently told him I wanted a wedding date and an anniversary. He said yeah, we can have an anniversary if you want, but no wedding date until you can prove to me that it won't end in divorce.
I told him I wanted to tell his family (He non stop tells me they are worried about him with me)... that we have a wedding date. We had an argument and they were supposed to be coming for dinner or something that weekend... I said may we please have a date so we can tell them? He told me if I wanted that or even mentioned a wedding date to them, I should consider myself uninvited to the dinner.
He has since told me that he would look towards "December" but then said if I announce it to anyone ...I'm setting myself up for failure.
You know what normal loving men do? They want to show you off to family. What in the world did you see in him 5 years ago? What made him seem like such a catch?
You know honestly, I can have a little bit of sympathy for all the involved parties. I can sympathize with his kids. To them, you're just another girlfriend in their dad's life. And OP...it's not even personal. Not really. They've learned over time, to not invest love or interest in their dad's significant others, because it just leads to pain. It's all as awkward for them as it is for you. You think they don't know and feel the animosity? And your fiancé feeds that to them for some reason. I mean, think about it...why is he telling you these girls don't like you? And if he's telling you about them, don't you think he's telling them about you?
I also have a little bit of sympathy for your fiancé. He's trying to make up for lost time with his kids. But he doesn't really acknowledge that these are grown women now, and if he wants a good relationship with them, he needs to meet them where THEY are. Not where he is.
Birdiebelle mentioned that he was trying to fit square pegs in round holes. I'd exaggerate a little on that. He's trying to JAM square pegs into round holes, and it's frustrating to him that it's not happening, and of course the women in his life aren't 'feeling it' either.
I think you'd be a whole hell of a lot happier if you got yourself out of this relationship. Your fiancé is the cog in this dysfunctional wheel, trying to dominate and manipulate all three of you ladies, and turning all of you on each other. I don't see a way out of this to happier days unless you leave.
I have told myself that I should leave on or before the anniversary. (That he doesn't even remember).
I recently told him I wanted a wedding date and an anniversary. He said yeah, we can have an anniversary if you want, but no wedding date until you can prove to me that it won't end in divorce.
I told him I wanted to tell his family (He non stop tells me they are worried about him with me)... that we have a wedding date. We had an argument and they were supposed to be coming for dinner or something that weekend... I said may we please have a date so we can tell them? He told me if I wanted that or even mentioned a wedding date to them, I should consider myself uninvited to the dinner.
He has since told me that he would look towards "December" but then said if I announce it to anyone ...I'm setting myself up for failure.
I say this with all honesty - if you go ahead with this marriage, then you will get all the misery you deserve. You will be knowingly walking into an open minefield of abuse, hostility, anger, and disrespect. If that's what you desire after being "together" for 5 years, then have at it. Apparently, giving you sensible, empathetic feedback has had absolutely no effect, so just go ahead and marry this jerk. I'm out of here.
Please see my comments through the thread that say I see these points and will make plans to leave this mess before our “anniversary” next week.
It is hard. But, I realize that it’s worse staying in this hostile environment.
I wish I didn’t have this self doubt but I realize most of it has come to fruition because he’s been beating me over the head with guilt and blame.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bungalove
I say this with all honesty - if you go ahead with this marriage, then you will get all the misery you deserve. You will be knowingly walking into an open minefield of abuse, hostility, anger, and disrespect. If that's what you desire after being "together" for 5 years, then have at it. Apparently, giving you sensible, empathetic feedback has had absolutely no effect, so just go ahead and marry this jerk. I'm out of here.
I have one son who is in college. He hasn’t witnessed much of this he definitely has over the years but I have gotten stronger around him.
He wanted my son to come on this trip too. Of course that would be like torture for him. I would never do that to him.
It's good that you don't have a child in the home to bear witness to this.
We have another poster(s) who tells a remarkably similar story to your own. The advice remains the same: stop being afraid of being alone (you're still young even if you don't feel as though you are) and move on to a better and brighter future without your perma-fiance.
***Perma-fiance: a person who remains in a longterm engagement with no intentions of ever tying the knot with his or her partner. These endless engagements are often used as means of manipulation and/or control of one partner by the other. Sound familiar?
Please see my comments through the thread that say I see these points and will make plans to leave this mess before our “anniversary” next week.
It is hard. But, I realize that it’s worse staying in this hostile environment.
I wish I didn’t have this self doubt but I realize most of it has come to fruition because he’s been beating me over the head with guilt and blame.
Alright, I'll jump back in (I'm a glutton for punishment, lol.) You really didn't say "I will make plans to leave this mess before our "anniversary". What you said was "I have told myself I should leave on or before the anniversary". That's a lot different from making actual plans; that's just telling yourself what you know you should do without actually taking any concrete action. Until you actually DO something to change this toxic status quo, nothing will change. And the only thing that will improve this relationship, for YOU, is leaving.
I'm also guessing that your fiancé accepts little to no responsibility in his part of the demise of his previous marriages. Am I correct in thinking that this is so?
That’s correct. He just basically said he grew tired of the first wife and mother of his Children.
He left her immediately after their 3rd child was born.
He was married to his second wife for 5 years and said they were incompatible and he didn’t love her. He says he just got sick of being single and married her in error. He says she is crazy and insane as well.
The third wife was just over 2 years and he says she was crazy too. And it sounds like she actually kept leaving him and he finally said no more.
That’s correct. He just basically said he grew tired of the first wife and mother of his Children.
He left her immediately after their 3rd child was born.
He was married to his second wife for 5 years and said they were incompatible and he didn’t love her. He says he just got sick of being single and married her in error. He says she is crazy and insane as well.
The third wife was just over 2 years and he says she was crazy too. And it sounds like she actually kept leaving him and he finally said no more.
So what are his reasons for giving marriage another go with you?
Why would you take on a man who essentially abandoned his wife and children--including a newborn--and has a habit of hooking up with women who her deems to be "crazy?"
I'd say that you need to take a long, hard look at the common denominator in all of his three marriages and move on. No need to overthink it at all--especially as you are both financially independent, share no children together, and don't live together.
Where is the third child of his first marriage now? Does your fiancé spend time with he or she or only with the two adult daughters who seem to dislike you?
You mentioned in an earlier post on this thread that your fiancé was married to his third wife for less than a year (not over two years) before having the marriage annulled.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 06-12-2020 at 09:36 AM..
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