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I recently went on an outdoor walking date with a guy I had been talking to for a little over a month now. Due to the pandemic we were holding off on meeting up until we both felt comfortable. So this past Saturday we did. Prior to the date we had spent weeks talking and I was excited as we really seem to have a lot in common, we both love the outdoors, like hiking, kayaking, etc., both are avid travelers going on unique types of trips, and when it comes to food we both are adventurous, trying anything. We really seemed to be compatible in so many ways. The date was going great, until he said one thing that made me take a step back and made me think that while we have a great connection, I can see that long-term this might never work out.
I currently live in Chicago, in the heart of the city in a vibrant dense neighborhood. I was raised in the city and I love city life. I need to be living in a city. I can't stand the suburbs. But I do love the outdoors and many of my trips revolve around remote places to hike and see nature, but for me the outdoors is something I do more like 1-2 times a month and the rest of my daily life revolves around doing things in the city. He actually lives about a 45 minute drive from me, in a very rural area, not even a suburb, more of an exurb. He revealed to me that he is all about the rural life, and tried living in the city and couldn't do it (ironically the same neighborhood I currently live in) and even the suburbs are challenging for him. He hasn't been in the city in over 6 months and really only stays in the Chicago metro because that is where his family all lives.
While I had a great connection with him and would like a second date, it just seems that while we have so much in common, our lifestyle of where we live and how we want to live are so extremely different.
Would you say that this isn't even worth going on a second date or should I maybe try a little more since we connected on so many other levels?
A second date would give you an opportunity to learn more about who he is and how he lives his life.
If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s better to talk and get that out in the open right away. It’s great to have hobbies and interests in common, but if your actual lifestyles are incompatible with no opportunity for change or finding a happy medium, it would be better to learn that now.
A second date would give you an opportunity to learn more about who he is and how he lives his life.
If you’re looking for a relationship, it’s better to talk and get that out in the open right away. It’s great to have hobbies and interests in common, but if your actual lifestyles are incompatible with no opportunity for change or finding a happy medium, it would be better to learn that now.
I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself here, but I even thought if things ever got serious, I would be totally okay if every other weekend we switch, like one weekend I go stay out by his place, and the following he comes and stays at my place in the city, and so on, that balances it out. Which I think would be fun and doable while dating. But then the big questions would be if he is someone that would be willing to stay in the city and do city stuff every other weekend, and if there was a desire to move in together if it got that far, what would that look like and who would have to sacrifice the lifestyle they prefer.
Again, way ahead of myself as it's only been one date, but I feel important things to think about.
I recently went on an outdoor walking date with a guy I had been talking to for a little over a month now. Due to the pandemic we were holding off on meeting up until we both felt comfortable. So this past Saturday we did. Prior to the date we had spent weeks talking and I was excited as we really seem to have a lot in common, we both love the outdoors, like hiking, kayaking, etc., both are avid travelers going on unique types of trips, and when it comes to food we both are adventurous, trying anything. We really seemed to be compatible in so many ways. The date was going great, until he said one thing that made me take a step back and made me think that while we have a great connection, I can see that long-term this might never work out.
I currently live in Chicago, in the heart of the city in a vibrant dense neighborhood. I was raised in the city and I love city life. I need to be living in a city. I can't stand the suburbs. But I do love the outdoors and many of my trips revolve around remote places to hike and see nature, but for me the outdoors is something I do more like 1-2 times a month and the rest of my daily life revolves around doing things in the city. He actually lives about a 45 minute drive from me, in a very rural area, not even a suburb, more of an exurb. He revealed to me that he is all about the rural life, and tried living in the city and couldn't do it (ironically the same neighborhood I currently live in) and even the suburbs are challenging for him. He hasn't been in the city in over 6 months and really only stays in the Chicago metro because that is where his family all lives.
While I had a great connection with him and would like a second date, it just seems that while we have so much in common, our lifestyle of where we live and how we want to live are so extremely different.
Would you say that this isn't even worth going on a second date or should I maybe try a little more since we connected on so many other levels?
Isn't it a little early to pull the plug? You have no idea where this will go. But high levels of compatibility just aren't that easy to find in life.
I know I'm getting WAY ahead of myself here, but I even thought if things ever got serious, I would be totally okay if every other weekend we switch, like one weekend I go stay out by his place, and the following he comes and stays at my place in the city, and so on, that balances it out. Which I think would be fun and doable while dating. But then the big questions would be if he is someone that would be willing to stay in the city and do city stuff every other weekend, and if there was a desire to move in together if it got that far, what would that look like and who would have to sacrifice the lifestyle they prefer.
Again, way ahead of myself as it's only been one date, but I feel important things to think about.
It’s normal to think about these sorts of things, IMO.
I think cutting it off after one date is too much. Going on a few dates to learn more about a person is the whole point of dating. You could discover something about him that you don’t like on date #4 that has nothing to do with where either of you lives. Or maybe it turns into something really great, and worth compromising over. You can’t know either way after one date. It’s worth a conversation.
Maybe, just maybe, that city/country living while seemingly so important to you now may not be as important when you're in a loving relationship. There's no real incentive for you to consider whether you will like or be able to adapt to another lifestyle right now (this applies to both parties). People have moved across the world, changed religions, adapted whole new cultures, etc for much less.
You know...if you're thinking along these lines, he probably is too.
Personally, I think there's lots of room for compromise here. You will be a reason for him to come into the city. You can show him all the good and fun things to do. He'll have a reason to look forward to coming in to the city.
He can show you the fun stuff about being out in the country. How it's nice to get out in the sticks, and decompress, and enjoy peace and quiet. Spend a few hours at the creek, looking for crawdads, or finding pretty rocks, or learning to identify wild flowers...I mean...it tends to be what you make of it. There's good things about both places, and you can help each other enjoy the positive aspects of both.
Since the two of you seem to get along so well...it seems worth exploring to me.
If one date is too soon to decide you're not compatible, it's also too soon to decide that you're SO compatible.
I personally think this issue is a dealbreaker that could be put off while you date longer to "get to know each other more," but in the end if you pursue a committed relationship and have to make a choice about where to live, one of you is going to be miserable.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
If one date is too soon to decide you're not compatible, it's also too soon to decide that you're SO compatible.
I personally think this issue is a dealbreaker that could be put off while you date longer to "get to know each other more," but in the end if you pursue a committed relationship and have to make a choice about where to live, one of you is going to be miserable.
I vote that there's no need to go forward.
Mark it down folks. BirdieBelle and the Dissenter actually agree on something. Though I’d be more apt to commit to maybe one or two more dates just to say I’ve exhausted the possibility before closing the door, I would not waste time if you aren’t willing to change your lifestyle.
FWIW, I could not do the country life. I had to do it when I lived in with my mother in a military area during college. I lasted 13 months before I jumped on an apartment in the state’s largest city an hour away.
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