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Yes, but if he knows that she's falling in love with him and he's really just staying with her for the sex, then he's using her if he doesn't make his lack of reciprocal feelings known. He needs to sit down with her and have an honest conversation about how he doesn't want to commit to her. If she stays after that, it's on her. It's a risk he ought to take, IMHO.
But if he knows they want different things, and he doesn't like that she wants more, why not just bite the bullet and end it? Why put it on her to have to be the one to break it off, when he already knows there's cause to do so? I mean, what is going to happen if he sticks around and she does too? They continue just like this and figure ah, well, at least he's getting a little tail out of the deal?
Relationships aren't about "neither of us are happy but we'll play a game of chicken to see who will end it first." I don't get it. Is it about laziness? Not being seen as "the bad guy" or getting to feel righteous because "Hey, I didn't end the relationship; they broke up with me!" as if that's any sort of absolution? If you're not happy and know the other person isn't happy, say buh-bye instead of telling yourself "meh, if they don't like it I guess they should leave."
As an older male, I'll let you in on basic truth of life. If you are tapping a woman who is in love with you and you do not harbor reciprocal feelings then you are abusing her. It doesn't matter if she signs up for the abuse. It is simply wrong. Woman are wired differently than men. As a man, we think we do the right thing by being honest about our feeling, but that is not enough. Woman will say it is okay, but it is not. It took decades for me to grasp this fundamental truth and I wish to heck someone would have explained this to me when I was your age. I thought by being honest with people I exonerated myself, but that was an illusion. Ultimately we are directly responsible for the discord we cause in others by entering their life.
Part of becoming a man is looking beyond yourself and doing the right thing for the other person. I think you know what the right thing to do is.
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Originally Posted by mascoma
I think people are responsible for their own feelings. He has made it clear to her how she feels. It's her choice to stay or leave. I don't believe in treating women like children.
I agree that people are responsible for their own feelings, at the same time, one of our own feelings is the accountability that we feel for not treating others as well as we feel that we could have and should have, which I think is the point that the Ghost is making here. As you date more people, there are certain situations you look back on and think, I really wish I had handled that better. I am better than that, why didn't I handle that situation better?
Im not sure, she has told me she thinks she has fallen in love with me but I can't say it back because I'm not sure if I feel that way. I love her as a person she is a beautiful person, but im not in love in the way that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and become commited to her and all the other things that go along with a serious relationship.
She has told me that she doesn't know if I care about her and I have told her that I care and that I think shes an amazing person, and told her I wouldnt spend so much time with her if I didnt care but there seems to be some level of insecurity on her part about our relationship id say.
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Originally Posted by mascoma
I think people are responsible for their own feelings. He has made it clear to her how she feels. It's her choice to stay or leave. I don't believe in treating women like children.
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Originally Posted by YoYaYo
Well I don't want to be in a serious realtionship at this point in my life. Im serious about her feelings and care about her deeply and love having her in my life but Im not looking for someone to become exclusive with and build a life with.
But the OP wasn't clear . . . he told her enough to encourage her to stay in the relationship but ommitted the part that would give her a clear understanding of where she stood and possibly end it.
I suspect this women is getting the mix signals . . . OP offered no explanation for why it took so long to respond to text. Yes, she was being sarcastic but why not just ask "why the sarcasm." What this woman is saying is the relationship is toxic to her . . who knows what she is experiencing personally.
You know she is feeling insecure and you cannot give her the security she is seeking, so let her know in unambiguous terms. And, if you care about her deeply, you would not stay in a relationship where you cannot give the person what they need.
But if he knows they want different things, and he doesn't like that she wants more, why not just bite the bullet and end it? Why put it on her to have to be the one to break it off, when he already knows there's cause to do so? I mean, what is going to happen if he sticks around and she does too? They continue just like this and figure ah, well, at least he's getting a little tail out of the deal?
Relationships aren't about "neither of us are happy but we'll play a game of chicken to see who will end it first." I don't get it. Is it about laziness? Not being seen as "the bad guy" or getting to feel righteous because "Hey, I didn't end the relationship; they broke up with me!" as if that's any sort of absolution? If you're not happy and know the other person isn't happy, say buh-bye instead of telling yourself "meh, if they don't like it I guess they should leave."
He doesn't want her to break up with him. He doesn't see her as long term, but he is enjoying the sex and doesn't want the relationship to end (now).
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mascoma
I think people are responsible for their own feelings. He has made it clear to her how she feels. It's her choice to stay or leave. I don't believe in treating women like children.
Agreed. Presumably this is an adult OP is dealing with and she gets no sympathy from me.
I think people are responsible for their own feelings. He has made it clear to her how she feels. It's her choice to stay or leave. I don't believe in treating women like children.
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Agreed. Presumably this is an adult OP is dealing with and she gets no sympathy from me.
I don't know where you're getting the idea that he's made anything clear to her. The reality seems to be the opposite...he's stringing her along.
She has never asked me to put a label on the relationship.
When she told me she thought she had fallen in love with me she also broke up with me in that same text message. I asked her if she wants to talk in person which we scheduled a few days later but when we met up she told me she didn’t want to talk anymore about it and she apologised for breaking up with me.
So I have had no pressure from her to say I love her or to make this an exclusive relationship.
Another thing is that she is on a study visa which means she is only in the country for 1 more year. This makes our relationship a little different and could explain why she hasn’t brought up “labels” for our relationship.
She isn’t from a 3rd world country either, she’s from a wealthy European country and her family is well off.
And I’m not with her for sex. Actually for me sex with the same woman is not as exciting as time goes by and in my experience having new partners is more sexual gratifying for me. This is why I’m always torn between staying single or keeping a relationship with a girl who’s company I love.
She has never asked me to put a label on the relationship.
When she told me she thought she had fallen in love with me she also broke up with me in that same text message. I asked her if she wants to talk in person which we scheduled a few days later but when we met up she told me she didn’t want to talk anymore about it and she apologised for breaking up with me.
So I have had no pressure from her to say I love her or to make this an exclusive relationship.
Another thing is that she is on a study visa which means she is only in the country for 1 more year. This makes our relationship a little different and could explain why she hasn’t brought up “labels” for our relationship.
She isn’t from a 3rd world country either, she’s from a wealthy European country and her family is well off.
And I’m not with her for sex. Actually for me sex with the same woman is not as exciting as time goes by and in my experience having new partners is more sexual gratifying for me. This is why I’m always torn between staying single or keeping a relationship with a girl who’s company I love.
What does this information add?
You're basically each other's default person right now, it sounds like. Passing the time but nothing worth sharing over a lifetime?
The major issue that brought you here, the rude texts to each other, still needs resolving, though. You can't treat each other that way and expect any situation, regardless of label, to be worth keeping.
I don't know where you're getting the idea that he's made anything clear to her. The reality seems to be the opposite...he's stringing her along.
I saw him write this:
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she has told me she thinks she has fallen in love with me but I can't say it back because I'm not sure if I feel that way.
Even if he hasn't made it clear - she is still responsible for her feelings and actions. She can dump him any time she wants.
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