Should I give an alcoholic spouse another chance? (date, wife, movies)
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I been married to my spouse for almost 6 years, we have known each other for a long time too. I'm the wife and he's the husband. We're both separated right now for 3 month, the breaking point was when I realized his drinking wasn't getting any better and he can be physically abusive when drunk. I have given him chances in the past, but because he always tried to handle it on his own, he never succeeded. I believe alot of things contributed to it was his stubbornness and lack of self care, he seems to always dwell in the past that brings alot of negativity. Anyways, without letting him know I packed my bags and left. At first I rented a room, but my parents decided I should stay with them, so I did that for 2 month and finally moved into my own apartment for a month. During all this time, my husband went to rehab, but at another state. I think the therapy did help him because he seems to be calmer and accept the fact that I need time away from him. I have hinted at him that I want a divorce and we'll settle the matter when he comes back. I told my parents my plans and tried to prepare myself emotionally. I also spoke to a therapist, and she told me to
look at the good and the bad of the relationship, and give myself time.
The truth is I do miss him, but I'm scared to allow myself to be swayed by such emotions because I have taken a difficult step to come to this point. Because I had a high tolerance for abuse, I just want to shut out anything that can lead to that. But hopefully through therapy I can change that aspect about myself. I do think most of the other problems we had, they can be handled much easier when alcohol is not longer a concern and both willing to take advice from others. He also informed me he was staying there longer, but no longer at the rehab, and to further work on himself. Even though financially is setting us back a little, I agree it was probably good for him, but I do want to have closure. I know no one can answer for me to let this relationship go or not. I think emotionally, I had vested alot of effort into this relationship that it's hard to let go, I'm still very conflicted, but maybe time will tell.
Chances are his only real problem is the booze. Get him on antabuse (the pill) see how things go. Suggest you quit drinking, too. If you two do get back together, you can feed him his antabuse pill every day.
I been married to my spouse for almost 6 years, we have known each other for a long time too. I'm the wife and he's the husband. We're both separated right now for 3 month, the breaking point was when I realized his drinking wasn't getting any better and he can be physically abusive when drunk. I have given him chances in the past, but because he always tried to handle it on his own, he never succeeded. I believe alot of things contributed to it was his stubbornness and lack of self care, he seems to always dwell in the past that brings alot of negativity. Anyways, without letting him know I packed my bags and left. At first I rented a room, but my parents decided I should stay with them, so I did that for 2 month and finally moved into my own apartment for a month. During all this time, my husband went to rehab, but at another state. I think the therapy did help him because he seems to be calmer and accept the fact that I need time away from him. I have hinted at him that I want a divorce and we'll settle the matter when he comes back. I told my parents my plans and tried to prepare myself emotionally. I also spoke to a therapist, and she told me to
look at the good and the bad of the relationship, and give myself time.
The truth is I do miss him, but I'm scared to allow myself to be swayed by such emotions because I have taken a difficult step to come to this point. Because I had a high tolerance for abuse, I just want to shut out anything that can lead to that. But hopefully through therapy I can change that aspect about myself. I do think most of the other problems we had, they can be handled much easier when alcohol is not longer a concern and both willing to take advice from others. He also informed me he was staying there longer, but no longer at the rehab, and to further work on himself. Even though financially is setting us back a little, I agree it was probably good for him, but I do want to have closure. I know no one can answer for me to let this relationship go or not. I think emotionally, I had vested alot of effort into this relationship that it's hard to let go, I'm still very conflicted, but maybe time will tell.
You sound very young. Maybe he is your first relationship. But it seems best to go your separate ways, since he was doing better when you two were apart, and you have already mentioned divorce. You said he has gotten physically abusive, which is always a reason to leave the relationship.
Alcoholics won't stop drinking for another person. He has a long, tough road ahead of him. Probably a lifetime of stopping and starting drinking.
I had 3 alcoholic relatives: my mom, my uncle, & my first husband. None of them ever quit. Antabuse killed one when he drank anyway. Sneaking, lying, anti-social behavior, less tolerance for alcohol as they got older: all of it was a drag on everyone who associated with them. It's an addiction and so EVERYTHING they do is to guarantee they get the next drink. They all ended up looking like vagabonds. Yes, they all had their good sides, but my life is much, much better without them in it.
I been married to my spouse for almost 6 years, we have known each other for a long time too. I'm the wife and he's the husband. We're both separated right now for 3 month, the breaking point was when I realized his drinking wasn't getting any better and he can be physically abusive when drunk. I have given him chances in the past, but because he always tried to handle it on his own, he never succeeded. I believe alot of things contributed to it was his stubbornness and lack of self care, he seems to always dwell in the past that brings alot of negativity. Anyways, without letting him know I packed my bags and left. At first I rented a room, but my parents decided I should stay with them, so I did that for 2 month and finally moved into my own apartment for a month. During all this time, my husband went to rehab, but at another state. I think the therapy did help him because he seems to be calmer and accept the fact that I need time away from him. I have hinted at him that I want a divorce and we'll settle the matter when he comes back. I told my parents my plans and tried to prepare myself emotionally. I also spoke to a therapist, and she told me to
look at the good and the bad of the relationship, and give myself time.
The truth is I do miss him, but I'm scared to allow myself to be swayed by such emotions because I have taken a difficult step to come to this point. Because I had a high tolerance for abuse, I just want to shut out anything that can lead to that. But hopefully through therapy I can change that aspect about myself. I do think most of the other problems we had, they can be handled much easier when alcohol is not longer a concern and both willing to take advice from others. He also informed me he was staying there longer, but no longer at the rehab, and to further work on himself. Even though financially is setting us back a little, I agree it was probably good for him, but I do want to have closure. I know no one can answer for me to let this relationship go or not. I think emotionally, I had vested alot of effort into this relationship that it's hard to let go, I'm still very conflicted, but maybe time will tell.
I think this is the type of problem that is beyond the scope of this board. I think this site is helpful for questions like I met a guy, he asked me out but our date is tomorrow and he hasn't called what should I do? But there are enough trolls here, for some thing as serious as getting back together with someone who has abused in the past and has some substance abuse issues that he is working through. I think I would seek out better sources of information.
Personally I would seek out a shrink, who can really go into everything in a lot of detail. But it you can't afford that. I would look at a support group like Coda. There is going to be people there who have more experience and better insights on how to handle stuff like yours.
I could have written this, but add in 2 children.
There is no guarantee that he will ever be able to stay sober, and living with someone like that is like waiting for him to fall off the wagon, and you end up right back in square one.
My advice would be to end it, and cut off all forms of communication. People like this are very manipulative, and the fact that you say you miss him, will lead you right back into that same situation. Life is too short!
Divorce might be easier than tying your life to a person who may fall back into his old habits once he returns. It’s not necessarily the drinking (or not) but all of the old triggers and complacencies that comes with you, your environment, and his underlying problems.
Addiction is not just the substance. It’s a spectrum of deep issues, some that are genetic, that will always have to be managed.
You should move forward into claiming your own life again. Start fresh. Don’t look back.
I been married to my spouse for almost 6 years, we have known each other for a long time too. I'm the wife and he's the husband. We're both separated right now for 3 month, the breaking point was when I realized his drinking wasn't getting any better and he can be physically abusive when drunk. I have given him chances in the past, but because he always tried to handle it on his own, he never succeeded. I believe alot of things contributed to it was his stubbornness and lack of self care, he seems to always dwell in the past that brings alot of negativity. Anyways, without letting him know I packed my bags and left. At first I rented a room, but my parents decided I should stay with them, so I did that for 2 month and finally moved into my own apartment for a month. During all this time, my husband went to rehab, but at another state. I think the therapy did help him because he seems to be calmer and accept the fact that I need time away from him. I have hinted at him that I want a divorce and we'll settle the matter when he comes back. I told my parents my plans and tried to prepare myself emotionally. I also spoke to a therapist, and she told me to
look at the good and the bad of the relationship, and give myself time.
The truth is I do miss him, but I'm scared to allow myself to be swayed by such emotions because I have taken a difficult step to come to this point. Because I had a high tolerance for abuse, I just want to shut out anything that can lead to that. But hopefully through therapy I can change that aspect about myself. I do think most of the other problems we had, they can be handled much easier when alcohol is not longer a concern and both willing to take advice from others. He also informed me he was staying there longer, but no longer at the rehab, and to further work on himself. Even though financially is setting us back a little, I agree it was probably good for him, but I do want to have closure. I know no one can answer for me to let this relationship go or not. I think emotionally, I had vested alot of effort into this relationship that it's hard to let go, I'm still very conflicted, but maybe time will tell.
Assuming your post is legit, your husband has a long way to go to prove himself. Rehab itself isn't proof. It's what he does after rehab. He has to prove himself for quite awhile before you should contemplate taking him back.
Another thing. The notion of closure has to be one of the most destructive concepts out there, because closure does not exist outside of movies and pat television dramas. Life is messy, filled with unfinished business. And sometimes it takes decades for you to really understand what truly happened--if ever. Yet people are always seeking it out, despite how futile it might be.
IMHO, once physical abuse was added to the mix, all bets are off. I just dated an alcoholic once and it nearly broke me - no way I'd stay married to one. If I were you I'd consider the 6 years a sunk cost: divorce him; join Al-Anon; and make a new life for yourself. If you continue on with him you will probably have children and be tied to him even more tightly and he will still be an alcoholic who will drag you and the kids through hell.
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