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I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24. I am applying to law school, and this has been clear in my relationship since the beginning. My boyfriend has had a stable job for two years. We have been dating for three, all of which have been long distance (summers and school breaks have been spent together)
My boyfriend recently pitched out of fear that he didn't want to continue doing long distance anymore once I graduated. He offered to uproot his life and move with me to wherever I enroll for law school, and I immediately freaked out. I told him that I don't think we were ready, that I personally feel that I'm still too young to live with a significant other, and that I wanted to figure out law school by myself before introducing him into the mix. This brought up- understandingly- a lot of concern about why I didn't feel ready. My boyfriend openly admits that I'm the girl of his dreams and that he would like to one day marry me, while I- though I have never told him this- don't feel that way about him. I know that I love him, and that I've grown immensely from my relationship with him. However, I don't know now if it's fair that I continue this relationship if I don't want to take the next step.
Our relationship has been long distance since the beginning, which led to a lot of issues over the past (two years mostly) where I haven't felt the romantic element of our relationship. Even when we are physically together, my boyfriend struggles to plan any romantic dinners or dates, tells me that it's my responsibly to plan shared vacations, doesn't feel that anniversaries need to be celebrated in-person and struggles with paying me compliments. I have openly told him that I feel like we're more best friends with benefits than a romantic couple. He has told me in the past that if he were single, he would be much wealthier. His pitch for moving in together is that when we're long distance, I'm "out of sight and out of mind" so he forgets to be romantic/attentive/pay attention to what's going on with me. I no longer desire to have sex with him because I feel like the romantic spark is gone, but now he's upset that we aren't having sex anymore. I honestly don't think he was ready to be in a romantic relationship, but we love each other and truly are best friends so he's expressed that he doesn't understand what I'm so unsure about. We have comparable senses of humor and personalities, and I do love him, but I still feel like the underlying romantic element of a relationship is something that I want to feel. Our love languages are just not compatible. I want to feel that my partner believes that I'm sexy and beautiful, intelligent and that he's proud of all of the work I do. I want to be in a relationship where my partner does thoughtful things for me not just because it's my birthday or our anniversary, but because he randomly thought of me. I've told my boyfriend that it hurts me that he only expresses to me how great he thinks I am when we're making up from an argument. Are all of these things realistic to want, or do men not actually do this?
I know that we're both incredibly young, but I don't want to do either of us the disservice of allowing the relationship to continue if I don't feel that we have a long-term future. I also may just be being hypercritical of the relationship because we're in a rough patch- but are these normal pitfalls of a relationship that people learn to deal with?
I am scared to be alone. I'm scared to live without him, because I've gotten so used to life with him as my best friend. However, I think that has contributed to how this has spiraled in this way. I don't want to lose him in my life, but I'm wondering if it would be healthier for both of us to move on, or if these are standard hurdles in a relationship?
Last edited by futurelawmama; 06-30-2020 at 10:22 PM..
I think he realized that he is too young for a commitment and a long distance relationship is not for him.
I don't think he is into you anymore. The sparks and feelings are gone. You both are very young and should explore world, meet people, have other options.
You are best friends with benefits, but there is not much more.
Continue if you want to be best friends or let it go if you want relationship.
I don't see a bright future here.
I know that we're both incredibly young, but I don't want to do either of us the disservice of allowing the relationship to continue if I don't feel that we have a long-term future.
Where do you get this fantasy that you are incredibly young? You are young, but not incredibly young. The CDC list life expectancy of Life expectancy: 78.6 years. The mathematical reality is you enter middle age at age 26.2 Essentially you have already lived almost 1/3 of your life. People far younger than you make life and death decisions in the military, law enforcement, health care and many already are fairly advanced in their careers by your age. I would say you both are immature rather than young. Ergo you are wise to feel the way you do.
All that aside, cut the guy loose, clearly he is not the one for you. You know in your heart that you are not doing right by the guy. Guys are funny. I won't try and explain it, but there is simply a very narrow window when you can catch them before they become jaundice. He is in that window, and unfortunately you are simply not where you need to be for him in this relationship, nor is he where you need to be. Let it go. Your journey together is at its end, your paths now diverge.
Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 06-30-2020 at 10:34 PM..
You are young, move on. The things that bother you now will only be magnified later. You are also starting a new life and career. I think it's best to start fresh, he doesn't sound like the person you want or need.
Moving in together, when there already are tensions in the relationship (or FWB-ship), PLUS adding the intensity of law school to the mix, doesn't sound like a good idea.
And you're afraid to be alone? OP, let me tell you, you NEED to be alone to make a successful go of law school! DO NOT look for another relationship for the next 3 years! You'll need all your focus for your studies. Relationships rarely are smooth sailing; while in law school, you could experience relationship stress, distracting you from your studies, and heaven help you, if you actually were to go through a breakup!
Your career success at this stage depends on your developing some emotional independence, so you won't require a human teddy bear to distract and comfort you. Be strong. Or don't do law school; choose something less demanding.
I'm trying to be real, OP. You don't need the emotional roller coaster of a relationship, when facing the challenges of law school. Take care, be well, and realize that you need single-minded focus to get through the program you've chosen.
You're not "incredibly young," but the two of you are in different stages of maturity right now. If you were ready to marry (and specifically, marry him), you'd not be having so many reservations about continuing your relationship.
Being long distance for so long allowed you to continue the idea of a relationship without the day-to-day grind of maintaining one. Long distance relationships can be difficult, especially ones without some idea of an end date. The fact that an end date of sorts is potentially looming in the near future is forcing you to face the fact that you're not a good long term fit for one another. All of the things that you mentioned--the lack of sexual desire for him on your part, feeling taken for granted and only feeling appreciated when you're making up after an argument, his statement that you cost him more money than if he would be spending if he were flying solo (likely true given traveling costs, etc., but not something that a wiser man than he would mention at this stage in the game)--those things do not get better with time and especially with marriage.
What you've been dealing with off and on for the past two years isn't a rough patch, but the universe and your gut telling you that you and you boyfriend aren't necessarily meant to be together as a couple for the long term. Relationships with people often fall under categories the "reason, season, or life". Perhaps your boyfriend was put into your life and he into yours for a two out of the three, but your time together has come to its a natural conclusion. Fighting to make a relationship work so early on is rather pointless and likely to lead to a lot of heartbreak should you continue the relationship out of habit and fear of being alone.
"Girl of his dreams aside," have you asked him what he believes that marriage and marriage to one another would entail? Have you discussed the nitty gritty details of the marital partnership/living together such as how you both handle money and manage household finances? Values, ethics, and children? If neither of you have discussed such things, you have no business moving in together, let alone marrying.
The distance between you has allowed you to tuck away and hide from yourself the red flags that would normally be waving in your face. Don't allow your feelings of not wishing to be alone to keep you in a relationship that doesn't seem to working well for either of you.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 07-01-2020 at 12:09 PM..
I am 22 and my boyfriend is 24. I am applying to law school, and this has been clear in my relationship since the beginning. My boyfriend has had a stable job for two years. We have been dating for three, all of which have been long distance (summers and school breaks have been spent together)
My boyfriend recently pitched out of fear that he didn't want to continue doing long distance anymore once I graduated. He offered to uproot his life and move with me to wherever I enroll for law school, and I immediately freaked out. I told him that I don't think we were ready, that I personally feel that I'm still too young to live with a significant other, and that I wanted to figure out law school by myself before introducing him into the mix. This brought up- understandingly- a lot of concern about why I didn't feel ready. My boyfriend openly admits that I'm the girl of his dreams and that he would like to one day marry me, while I- though I have never told him this- don't feel that way about him. I know that I love him, and that I've grown immensely from my relationship with him. However, I don't know now if it's fair that I continue this relationship if I don't want to take the next step.
Our relationship has been long distance since the beginning, which led to a lot of issues over the past (two years mostly) where I haven't felt the romantic element of our relationship. Even when we are physically together, my boyfriend struggles to plan any romantic dinners or dates, tells me that it's my responsibly to plan shared vacations, doesn't feel that anniversaries need to be celebrated in-person and struggles with paying me compliments. I have openly told him that I feel like we're more best friends with benefits than a romantic couple. He has told me in the past that if he were single, he would be much wealthier. His pitch for moving in together is that when we're long distance, I'm "out of sight and out of mind" so he forgets to be romantic/attentive/pay attention to what's going on with me. I no longer desire to have sex with him because I feel like the romantic spark is gone, but now he's upset that we aren't having sex anymore. I honestly don't think he was ready to be in a romantic relationship, but we love each other and truly are best friends so he's expressed that he doesn't understand what I'm so unsure about. We have comparable senses of humor and personalities, and I do love him, but I still feel like the underlying romantic element of a relationship is something that I want to feel. Our love languages are just not compatible. I want to feel that my partner believes that I'm sexy and beautiful, intelligent and that he's proud of all of the work I do. I want to be in a relationship where my partner does thoughtful things for me not just because it's my birthday or our anniversary, but because he randomly thought of me. I've told my boyfriend that it hurts me that he only expresses to me how great he thinks I am when we're making up from an argument. Are all of these things realistic to want, or do men not actually do this?
I know that we're both incredibly young, but I don't want to do either of us the disservice of allowing the relationship to continue if I don't feel that we have a long-term future. I also may just be being hypercritical of the relationship because we're in a rough patch- but are these normal pitfalls of a relationship that people learn to deal with?
I am scared to be alone. I'm scared to live without him, because I've gotten so used to life with him as my best friend. However, I think that has contributed to how this has spiraled in this way. I don't want to lose him in my life, but I'm wondering if it would be healthier for both of us to move on, or if these are standard hurdles in a relationship?
The minute you said, "I don't feel that way about him," you said all you needed to.
Law school is an all-consuming enterprise. The next three years are going to be jam-packed with work and study. You will be forging new friendships and new relationships. Making new connections that will serve you for the rest of your life.
Bringing a boyfriend along just because you don't want to hurt his feelings is a terrible idea. Not only will the issues of having an unwanted person living with you take up precious mental energy, but it will also take time from other things that are of decided importance.
Further, you will be changing more in the next five years of your life than you will for the rest of your days. You may not know this yet, but everything about you may change. Your worldview, your opinions, your tastes, your interests, friends, and goals. So you may not even be the same person leaving law school that you were entering it.
Now we get to something a little more bothersome: Namely how scared you are to be alone. Whether you realize it or not, you're basically holding your boyfriend hostage for no better reason than you want someone to fill in your free time when you're not studying. This is terribly unfair to him. Deep down, you know it. Better to face your fears and become a stronger person than to do this to someone you care for.
Which leads me to my advice. Cut the cord. Tell him that you care deeply for him, but you are nowhere close to any kind of long-term relationship with him. You've got one chance to do law school right and you need him to understand that. So give him the freedom to live his life while you go off to live yours.
And, who knows? Once you have your law degree, you might be ready to consider something with him. Just not right now.
The minute you said, "I don't feel that way about him," you said all you needed to.
Law school is an all-consuming enterprise. The next three years are going to be jam-packed with work and study. You will be forging new friendships and new relationships. Making new connections that will serve you for the rest of your life.
Bringing a boyfriend along just because you don't want to hurt his feelings is a terrible idea. Not only will the issues of having an unwanted person living with you take up precious mental energy, but it will also take time from other things that are of decided importance.
Further, you will be changing more in the next five years of your life than you will for the rest of your days. You may not know this yet, but everything about you may change. Your worldview, your opinions, your tastes, your interests, friends, and goals. So you may not even be the same person leaving law school that you were entering it.
Now we get to something a little more bothersome: Namely how scared you are to be alone. Whether you realize it or not, you're basically holding your boyfriend hostage for no better reason than you want someone to fill in your free time when you're not studying. This is terribly unfair to him. Deep down, you know it. Better to face your fears and become a stronger person than to do this to someone you care for.
Which leads me to my advice. Cut the cord. Tell him that you care deeply for him, but you are nowhere close to any kind of long-term relationship with him. You've got one chance to do law school right and you need him to understand that. So give him the freedom to live his life while you go off to live yours.
I agree with the above, I would add in law school, its quite handy for first year female students to date 2nd or 3rd year students. Its pretty common for first year women to get outlines for all of their classes from their 2nd or 3rd year boyfriends. These guys can also help you to find summer clerkships and jobs in school and jobs when you graduate. Smart women who work really hard can do very well in law school, but so too can attractive sorority girls who don't work nearly as hard, which I suppose is a different type of smarts.
You need to break up with him now. You are using him. You KNOW he is not the one but you are scared to be alone.
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