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Do clingy needy people become less so after years of Marriage? I ask because after you're with someone for so long then you probably end up not needing them around as much because you're with them all the time and things start to annoy you about them. This almost always happens in marriages, but its probably more so for needy people.
I doubt it. We're not talking about regular people who are just infatuated and get over it. Needy/clingy people are a bit different; I don't imagine their personality type is likely to change much over time (or, rather, it could, but I think this is what it would take for them to not be so needy/clingy).
In fact, for some people it may worsen, especially if they are the type to put all of their eggs in the one basket of the person they're in a relationship with, or if they're the type of insecure that has them constantly worrying about "it's going to end any day now... just waiting for it... soon it'll happen..."
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Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I have always thought that "clingy" and "needy" is really just a reflection of two people not being as emotionally invested in each other. If they were both deeply in love, they could both cling together like happy little baby monkeys and nobody would be complaining.
Or perhaps they just are not that compatible in terms of the kind of "space" that they need.
I think that if the "clingy" person feels cause to be more anxious and insecure, as BirdieBelle said, they will try harder to cling. My ex seemed anything from clingy to controlling at times, due to his insecurities. As I was also not as emotionally invested in him and the relationship, I rebuffed this and turned a pretty cold shoulder to it. Which built a lot of resentment on his part, though he did try to channel it into a kind of resignation. Both of us committed many relationship-sins in our marriage. Continuing to try and "make it work" when I really knew deep down that I'd made a big mistake in being with him, and could never return his love the way he needed and wanted, was I think the greatest of mine.
I mean, when one person is insecure and resentful and the other is filled with cold contempt...that's not a very good relationship at all.
Sure, if both are extremely needy, then there likely wouldn't be a problem (until, of course, something happens to make it a problem). But I think we can agree there are levels of clinginess or emotional dependence that are not within the range of healthiness, and suggesting the problem lies with the other person as not caring enough maybe takes it a bit far. And most people figure out eventually that if someone doesn't pay them the attention they'd like, trying to cling harder endears them to the person less, not more. (It's the people who never learn this, or just haven't learned it yet, who are like your ex.)
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Originally Posted by Berteau
I think this isn’t the case. Early on they might be flattered by it.
Nah. Plenty of people confuse being needed by someone with being loved by someone. They don't realize you can need someone yet despise them. They seem to think that if someone is sticking around them, it is because that person cares about them, when in reality it may just be that the other person needs/wants something from them. (It seems to be especially women, as many are socialized/raised to be "of service" to others.)
I doubt it. We're not talking about regular people who are just infatuated and get over it. Needy/clingy people are a bit different; I don't imagine their personality type is likely to change much over time (or, rather, it could, but I think this is what it would take for them to not be so needy/clingy).
Nah. Plenty of people confuse being needed by someone with being loved by someone. They don't realize you can need someone yet despise them. They seem to think that if someone is sticking around them, it is because that person cares about them, when in reality it may just be that the other person needs/wants something from them. (It seems to be especially women, as many are socialized/raised to be "of service" to others.)
Do you think sometimes the clingy person confuses their clingy feelings with love and doesn’t know It?
The odds are no. Because these are people who live their lives in fear and general distrust. They are exhausting to be around. Explain to me, why would they suddenly change the minute they say, "I do"?
Trust is the crucial element of any relationship. Without it, you're just two people with shared interests, intersecting circles on a Venn diagram.
When I met my wife, she was traveling on biz 50% of the time. I was working in an all-consuming job. If either of us had been needy or clingy, it wouldn't have worked. What's more, she had her friends and interests before she met me, and I had mine. I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I had to check in with my wife for every little thing, and vice versa. It would be a total drag.
Do clingy needy people become less so after years of Marriage? I ask because after you're with someone for so long then you probably end up not needing them around as much because you're with them all the time and things start to annoy you about them. This almost always happens in marriages, but its probably more so for needy people.
I say no. If you're needy, you're needy. If you're not being needy with your spouse anymore, then you're just going find someone to put that neediness on. Neediness never goes away.
Do you think sometimes the clingy person confuses their clingy feelings with love and doesn’t know It?
Yes!
I used to not understand why people always said that Lovebombing was bad. I rather enjoy getting Lovebombed. I also never understood why people would say that a person who is doing the Lovebombing is insincere and doesn't mean it. I'd think to myself, "How can they know whether or not someone means it"? "How can they know what someone else's feelings are?". Then I heard someone explain it in a way that I could understand. They said that someone who Lovebombs does it because they have an addiction to love. They always have to have someone to love and it doesn't matter who it is, it can be anyone, there just has to be SOMEONE. So the person they are loving or lovebombing is just a placeholder really. They are not special. And this addict will find someone, anyone to fill that space at all times, and they will lovebomb every single person. The reason why they lovebomb is because they are addicted to these feelings and they have to have them in order to feel good, and the reason why they became addicted to these feelings is because something happened to them in their childhood, something traumatic and unresolved, to make them need this. So they will keep doing it over and over and if you are a victim of this, please know that you are not special. You are just a drug to an addict that will do any drug just to get that feeling. It's the same with clingy people. They have childhood trauma that they are trying to make up for and they will always be clingy. It's not necessarily love though.
I used to not understand why people always said that Lovebombing was bad. I rather enjoy getting Lovebombed. I also never understood why people would say that a person who is doing the Lovebombing is insincere and doesn't mean it. I'd think to myself, "How can they know whether or not someone means it"? "How can they know what someone else's feelings are?". Then I heard someone explain it in a way that I could understand. They said that someone who Lovebombs does it because they have an addiction to love. They always have to have someone to love and it doesn't matter who it is, it can be anyone, there just has to be SOMEONE. So the person they are loving or lovebombing is just a placeholder really. They are not special. And this addict will find someone, anyone to fill that space at all times, and they will lovebomb every single person. The reason why they lovebomb is because they are addicted to these feelings and they have to have them in order to feel good, and the reason why they became addicted to these feelings is because something happened to them in their childhood, something traumatic and unresolved, to make them need this. So they will keep doing it over and over and if you are a victim of this, please know that you are not special. You are just a drug to an addict that will do any drug just to get that feeling. It's the same with clingy people. They have childhood trauma that they are trying to make up for and they will always be clingy. It's not necessarily love though.
We're playing psychologist here, but what do you think could cause it? Feeling abandoned from your father, parents divorce, being cheated on, seeing your mom cheated on??
We're playing psychologist here, but what do you think could cause it? Feeling abandoned from your father, parents divorce, being cheated on, seeing your mom cheated on??
It could be a wide variety of things. Think of it as something that really hurt/upset the child and the child didn't understand it and it was never addressed or resolved. Like an open wound that never healed. When the lightbulb went off for me while hearing about this new explanation, the example given was of a guy who Lovebombs all the women in his life and he said his parents would shut down and not talk to him and give him the silent treatment when he was needing them to communicate/talk to him during a crucial emotional moment. This really bothered him and caused him to constantly seek out love feelings to console him and make him feel good.
Do you think sometimes the clingy person confuses their clingy feelings with love and doesn’t know It?
Some of them, possibly. It's possible they are also confusing their own need to have someone with love for that person. And some of them may truly love the person (and possibly just not know how to do so in a mature-- that is, non-insecure, trusting, etc.-- way.
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Originally Posted by srjth
Yes!
I used to not understand why people always said that Lovebombing was bad. I rather enjoy getting Lovebombed. I also never understood why people would say that a person who is doing the Lovebombing is insincere and doesn't mean it. I'd think to myself, "How can they know whether or not someone means it"? "How can they know what someone else's feelings are?". Then I heard someone explain it in a way that I could understand. They said that someone who Lovebombs does it because they have an addiction to love. They always have to have someone to love and it doesn't matter who it is, it can be anyone, there just has to be SOMEONE. So the person they are loving or lovebombing is just a placeholder really. They are not special. And this addict will find someone, anyone to fill that space at all times, and they will lovebomb every single person. The reason why they lovebomb is because they are addicted to these feelings and they have to have them in order to feel good, and the reason why they became addicted to these feelings is because something happened to them in their childhood, something traumatic and unresolved, to make them need this. So they will keep doing it over and over and if you are a victim of this, please know that you are not special. You are just a drug to an addict that will do any drug just to get that feeling. It's the same with clingy people. They have childhood trauma that they are trying to make up for and they will always be clingy. It's not necessarily love though.
I think for some it's also that they're not addicted to those feelings, but they need to feel liked and valued by other people, like other people care about them. So, either they find someone who likes them and latch on, or they do so with a person/group of people because they think it will bring them closer to/endear them to that/those person(s). (Or, they are really lonely and find someone who likes them and grab on like they're drowning and that person is a life preserver.)
I've seen this manifest in several different ways... I know someone who, I'm pretty sure, has a deep (and probably unconscious) need for people to like him and so he's a really nice and generous guy, makes a lot of jokes, and will not "cut someone off" even if he really no longer has a need for the friendship because I think he likes to know he has a lot of friends (whether he'll keep it going even with someone who's toxic to him, I don't know; haven't seen him in any relationships like that luckily). I know of someone else who is more of your classic "latch on" type-- within minutes of meeting her you realize she's socially-awkward and lonely and clings close to the friends she has. In the first guy, it's more subtle and I don't know how many people see it. In the second, like I said, it's obvious once you've known/observed her for 10-15 minutes.
Of course, the need to feel like other people care about you is present in everyone, to different extents, and it's just pronounced in some to the point of being unhealthy.
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Originally Posted by Berteau
We're playing psychologist here, but what do you think could cause it? Feeling abandoned from your father, parents divorce, being cheated on, seeing your mom cheated on??
Sometimes it's just the way a person is, as well. The first person I mention above, I suspect maybe in his childhood at some point he wasn't popular and he said "F that noise, I'll make people like me." The second one, I believe is somewhere on the autism spectrum or similar, and it's probably a mix of "she's naturally inclined to be socially awkward anyway" and this is usually compounded with "and since is the case, many people are uncomfortable and keep their distance, which both makes her want to press forward more and also doesn't give her the chance to learn social interaction."
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Originally Posted by Submariner
I can see where I have became more clingy. I am not jealous, I just want some intimacy with a female.
Married 39 years, the last 35 have been celibate.
Yes, and that's another manifestation too, and there are myriad causes beyond "someone had a bad childhood."
Probably just about everyone, when they're lonely, will grab for the social interaction they have, and the lonelier they are, the harder they will grab. To an extent, pretty much everyone is that way, just some more than others. Some people can realize and understand and control it. Some really can't, to an extreme extent. And there's a whole spectrum in the middle. Along with the natural spectrum of people who naturally need more interaction with people, and those who prefer less.
I think we're really seeing good examples of this right now during lockdowns/quarantines. I've seen articles written by people who are so starved for human interaction that they'll go out for walks and try to start conversations with everyone they pass. They don't even care who they talk to or what about, as long as they are interacting with another human.
I've noticed when I do it-- it happens when I'm feeling loneliest (like when my social circle is smallest and I'm having a bad day or whatever) and I have to realize and keep myself from expecting someone to interact with me more than usual, since it's not their fault I don't have anyone else at the moment. And I have friends who do it (which can feel very heavy when you can't/don't want to provide their entire social life but you also don't want to hurt them by pushing them away, or which can make you feel crappy when someone who doesn't normally interact with you much suddenly wants to do so often and you realize it's only because nobody else who they'd rather be interacting with is around and not because they suddenly like you more).
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Originally Posted by srjth
Nothing wrong with that.
Well, until the other person doesn't want the clinginess, and then it becomes a problem.
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