U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:27 PM
 
Location: SoCal again
17,776 posts, read 14,643,838 times
Reputation: 35453

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Atlguy View Post
It can take years. I also realized my ex-wife and I had completely different views on marriage. For me it was forever and for her it was until we went through a hard time. Then she was gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Atlguy View Post
Anything except abuse, addiction, or adultery, absolutely. Those are the deal breakers.
We have a bazillion threads here with people complaining about their spouses and we tell them to get the heck out of that marriage while if asked, their partner may think of this being "a hard time." And it is not addiction/adultery related. Abuse is a loaded word. It can just mean not enough sex or communication, not enough effort in the relationship.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:28 PM
 
1,324 posts, read 1,397,263 times
Reputation: 1124
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Honestly, I find this to be a dangerous attitude. It pretty much conveys that your partner can do anything and you won't ever leave them. I know how much men really love those traditional vows, but they are crap if you ask me. Marriage does and should have conditions. I have a friend, she tested her husband and he told her that he would never leave her no matter what, so you know what she did? She considered that to be a green light to become a serial cheater. Now she easily boinks younger studs (sometimes in their own bed) in secret behind his back because she knows that even if he found out he would not leave her. So this attitude is dangerous to have and to convey. It makes people get lazy and not work as hard as they can on the marriage and themselves to be the best person and spouse they can be. And being taken for granted can get really frustrating for some.

That, what you describe happens when a guy invests himself in a person/relationship that's just not worth it.
If anything, pressuring and forcing people to work more on a relationship is a sure way of disaster in the making and if there's any way the person can contribute to alienation and likelihood of cheating by their BF/GF or spouse - it's this kind of pressure. And they'll cheat to detach themselves easier in case of any conflict of splitting up.

This is not to say that sexual infidelity can ever be justified by anything else other than cheater's mentality/mindset, along with their upbringing and culture/friends mentality that happens to form the core of their personal reasoning and rationalization. And same applies to your friend. It's the mindset, nothing else, definitely not other person's exclamation ("I will nor leave no matter what").

So, while what you say about marriage and conditions IS common sense, the acrobstics done in bold part of your comment is a pure construction to justify what I guess is your personal attitude and reasoning.

Anyways - the reason why a guy would not share "info" you wanted is generally a sign that he thinks anything in that direction is more likely to cause distress and discomfort and that he probably thinks nothing good can come out of this discussion - or that he doesn't want/feel comfortable to talk about it with you (at least not at that moment)
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:37 PM
 
10,437 posts, read 3,907,131 times
Reputation: 23879
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Atlguy View Post
I couldn't answer this question during the first year after my divorce. no closure at all. It appeared that it was because of a misunderstanding over her wanting kids and me saying not now because I was unemployed. I'll never know why one bad year of marriage (out of 50, conceivably) would make her leave without infidelity, abuse, or addiction. I will never know. Anyway, now when a woman asks, I can say without emotion that it was poor communication (mostly on my part) and explain all the work I've done on myself over the past decade to improve my communication with women so I never experience that pain again. Usually, this answer makes them swoon, especially when they see me being vulnerable.

A man who can admit where he messed up gets a lot of brownie points, as far as I'm concerned.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:40 PM
 
1,133 posts, read 441,033 times
Reputation: 2958
I think and even believe most men and women know why their wife or husband wanted to divorce them, but they say "I don't know" because they either want to live in denials or pretend to be innocent.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:47 PM
 
8,888 posts, read 12,789,221 times
Reputation: 10266
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Any divorced guys here not know why their wife wanted to divorce? Just wondering how common this is. I'm thinking about my ex and he told me that his ex-wife left him and when I asked why she left he said "I don't know". Has this happened to any other divorced guy? You don't know why she left you?
There's people who think primarily in terms of 'love' and there's people who think primarily in terms of 'compatibility'.

Like ... you've heard of drug abusers who fight all the time saying ... 'but I love him/her.' Etc.

I think when anybody is EVER blindsided by a breakup or divorce that's not due to something spontaneous like cheating, etc, they're more squarely in the 'love' camp. I mean, you can be a little surprised, but also you should have expected it.

The downside of being in the 'compatibility' camp is that you're never surprised when the other shoe drops or are always thinking of dropping the shoe yourself ... and that can be bad.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 03:50 PM
 
1,324 posts, read 1,397,263 times
Reputation: 1124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
A man who can admit where he messed up gets a lot of brownie points, as far as I'm concerned.
That's the slippery slope, you probably have scenarios you want to hear and scenarios that'd just not bring up anything constructive.
There are definitely some topics that both parties always want to know, yet there's a reason why other party thinks the opposite. They may pretend they didn't hear it, start the counter-attack if they feel (or know) that this discussion isn't a good sign or that any disclosure of "truth" might be used against them... So they actively start sabotaging the relationship with a onflixt in order to either escalate if you "don't care enough" or to break it irretrievably.

Generally speaking, it's a bad sign for a relationship (given that it's a serious one at that point) if either thing happens:
1. You can't talk about certain topics, or the other party thinks you are nor allowed to talk/know
2. You actually talk about it or you find out the truth the other way and you feel it affects the relationship in a bad manner, as if you were "cheated on/manipulatee" after finding out that piece of a puzzle at "this" stage of relationship
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 04:14 PM
 
14,921 posts, read 18,647,419 times
Reputation: 11997
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
There's people who think primarily in terms of 'love' and there's people who think primarily in terms of 'compatibility'.

Like ... you've heard of drug abusers who fight all the time saying ... 'but I love him/her.' Etc.

I think when anybody is EVER blindsided by a breakup or divorce that's not due to something spontaneous like cheating, etc, they're more squarely in the 'love' camp. I mean, you can be a little surprised, but also you should have expected it.

The downside of being in the 'compatibility' camp is that you're never surprised when the other shoe drops or are always thinking of dropping the shoe yourself ... and that can be bad.

This is an awesome explanation. The best I've seen yet and I think you're right. My ex was in the "love" camp. I am in the "compatibility" camp so I don't understand it. I guess 'love' to them means 'we stay together no matter what, because.... love'. I really don't know what they are feeling though, I can't say it was some powerful love feeling or whatever. I just think they were most likely too comfortable.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 04:21 PM
 
10,437 posts, read 3,907,131 times
Reputation: 23879
When I met my husband, he was very honest about his mistakes in his marriages. He owned to his part. Cheating wasn't part of the equation in any of the marriages. I met my husband 19 years ago, and we're one month shy of 18 years being married.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 05:31 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
25,215 posts, read 33,124,029 times
Reputation: 51919
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Any divorced guys here not know why their wife wanted to divorce? Just wondering how common this is. I'm thinking about my ex and he told me that his ex-wife left him and when I asked why she left he said "I don't know". Has this happened to any other divorced guy? You don't know why she left you?

He knows. He just isn't going to admit it.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-28-2020, 06:18 PM
 
890 posts, read 1,004,663 times
Reputation: 1292
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Honestly, I find this to be a dangerous attitude. It pretty much conveys that your partner can do anything and you won't ever leave them. I know how much men really love those traditional vows, but they are crap if you ask me. Marriage does and should have conditions. I have a friend, she tested her husband and he told her that he would never leave her no matter what, so you know what she did? She considered that to be a green light to become a serial cheater. Now she easily boinks younger studs (sometimes in their own bed) in secret behind his back because she knows that even if he found out he would not leave her. So this attitude is dangerous to have and to convey. It makes people get lazy and not work as hard as they can on the marriage and themselves to be the best person and spouse they can be. And being taken for granted can get really frustrating for some.
People don’t just wake up one day and suddenly become cheaters. Most grown people that cheat have had several violations in character in their past. Why even be friends with people that deliberately violate their spouse’s trust.

Real love will never have conditions. I know this is going to sound hard to believe since we’re in USA, where nobody gives a damn unless someone’s offering us something.
Rate this post positively Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top