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I am a woman. It sounds like this man married her to have someone change his diapers and is now in a sulk because he had to change someone else's instead, his daughter's. Both people should have been "fixed" if neither wanted children, and now here is this precious little one with a father who will most likely kick the bucket while she is in elementary school.
OP, I know you asked for men to advise but if I were you I would end my marriage and focus on my daughter for the next 10 years. She needs you more than you need either man. She should be your top priority now.
Both mom and dad probably just don't make good choices in their romantic lives. That's probably how it happened. They are both responsible for this child coming to this world. Dad was probably Love Bombing her (I mean, a 60-something year old man telling a woman that he wants a baby sounds like Love Bombing to me), then once he got into it, he realized it was hard work and the love bombing stopped and now she's unhappy and looking for love elsewhere.
I am going to give you a non judgemental answer from a man, as you asked for. I see several problems. First, you are across country. Too far away to date and see how it goes. Second, you have a young child, which he is not into. Third, you are married.
My guess is if you were single he may try a long distance relationship to see if there are any sparks. But...it would not be fair to your child going into a relationship with a guy who doesn't want children. I think you are a friend he wishes didn't have a child and he likes talking to you because you are from his past and he is comfortable with you.
I think you are correct one hundred percent. Think you nailed it.
Maybe John is actually gay and won't tell you. It would fit all the things you've said about him. Broke your heart, is now talking on the phone all the time, amazing connection, no romantic relationship and he says you're attractive but only when you ask first, etc. He's three thousand miles away, he can tell you any combination of hetero things to both keep himself hid and be able to convince you that you disqualify as a potential partner so that you don't call him on his bluff. All the while he too, enjoys the "amazing connection" of your hope-filled attention that you give him which he may fear he'd lose if you pulled back and took it down a notch if he told you he was gay.
John actually didnt talk to his parents or brother for the last 4 years because they think he is gay. And he gets mad that he had to continuously fight off the remarks and innuendo. I just don’t see that. He was a serial dater, womanizer in his 20s/30s, now he is ore humble and spiritual. However, he’s Always preferred super attractive woman, I think his superficial pickiness has contributed to his hard time dating. He tries to date. He tells me this. He was dating some girl a year ago for a few months and she dumped him because of his work. He disappeared for a few days to get an order processed. She didn’t like it. But his is very particular about things and clean etc. Still I can only see hetero in him.But interesting you should say that. One time when we were talking about how his family accuses hi of being gay he said that he wasn’t anti gay or anything and that he actually thought about it (he chuckled) but no not for him. I found it interesting that he said that he considered it. How could a straight guy even consider that. I just kind of did sit right but I still don’t think he’s gay though. If I’m wrong it would answer a lot of questions though.
John actually didnt talk to his parents or brother for the last 4 years because they think he is gay. And he gets mad that he had to continuously fight off the remarks and innuendo. I just don’t see that. He was a serial dater, womanizer in his 20s/30s, now he is ore humble and spiritual. However, he’s Always preferred super attractive woman, I think his superficial pickiness has contributed to his hard time dating. He tries to date. He tells me this. He was dating some girl a year ago for a few months and she dumped him because of his work. He disappeared for a few days to get an order processed. She didn’t like it. But his is very particular about things and clean etc. Still I can only see hetero in him.But interesting you should say that. One time when we were talking about how his family accuses hi of being gay he said that he wasn’t anti gay or anything and that he actually thought about it (he chuckled) but no not for him. I found it interesting that he said that he considered it. How could a straight guy even consider that. I just kind of did sit right but I still don’t think he’s gay though. If I’m wrong it would answer a lot of questions though.
How would you know he’s always preferred a super attractive woman? Because he told you this? Pretending to have high standards is a great way for a closeted gay to explain no women.
He could be kidding himself, not consciously trying to kid you.
How would you know he’s always preferred a super attractive woman? Because he told you this? Pretending to have high standards is a great way for a closeted gay to explain no women.
He could be kidding himself, not consciously trying to kid you.
He points out actual models as his type or the perfect women. He told me he likes tall and thin or average. He sometimes picks women’s looks apart which is pretty off putting. She once dumped a girl because she had ugly thumbs.
I’m a 46 year old woman, married to a guy who is 68 this year. We have a 3 year old (ya, life ain’t easy). We’ve been married for 4 years. After our daughter was conceived our relationship changed as he did not want children (but did nothing to prevent it, mind you). He is miserable and moody a lot and a child is hard to keep up with at his age. We also haven’t had sex for almost 3 years. He lost his motivation and isn’t bothered with doing anything about it (I’m attractive/desirable). We don’t have the close friendship we use to have.
So, when I was 17, I dated this guy for two years (we will can him “John”). He broke my heart. We were young. But we had an amazing connection that I’ve never had with anyone else. Ever. Always loved him. We stayed in contact the last 30 years on and off rarely. He never married or had kids. He is 49. I thought about him frequently all that time. I moved to the East coast 20 years ago and now so we live on opposite sides of the country.
About 2.5 years ago he ran into my sister in my hometown in California where they both live. We got back in touch and talked every couple months. Somewhere that changed and for the last year and a half we talk very frequently. A few times a week. Sometimes everyday. We can talk for hours and regularly have 3-5 hour conversations. We have an amazing connection. Interests etc. reminder, we live on different coasts. We do not have a romantic relationship. He was dating someone and it didn’t work out with them. Now he is not dating, but trying. He is on dating websites. He told me that he found me attractive when I asked him. But he doesn’t flirt or want a relationship in the future from what I can gather. He tells me to leave my husband because I’m not happy and suggests other men to date. I know he doesn’t want kids and prefers to find a woman without children. But if he really cared for me why would that matter. He did mention once that he was at odds about his feelings for me since I’m married with someone else’s kid and that he was torn with that.
Why does he contact me daily, spend countless hours on the phone with me, initiate contact almost daily, send me pics and memes all the time on messenger, tell me I’m an amazing woman, tell me he cares about me, calls me for advice on everything etc. if he himself is not interested. Am I really just a great friend to him? It’s heartbreaking for me. What should I do? Help. This can go on for years. He’s always pressuring me to leave my husband, but it’s not like he wants me.
Is he just not “that” physically attracted to me? Maybe the interaction gives him, friendship, support and boots his ego?
Men out there, help! What gives?
I'm also of Generation X. My opinion is that he genuinely reveres a connection to someone from his generation. The long-term roots going back to adolescence are coming back with powerful emotions. From his side, he has drawn a line of (1) not physically coming to the East Coast to escalate into a full-blown romatic relationship nor has he (2) made it clear he wants you to leave your current relationship. He simply enjoys the connection to the past but does not want anything serious. He probably isn't aware this is what marital therapists describe as an emotional affair.
Hence, from your side this looks like an emotional affair since you are disconnected from your aging husband who probably doesn't have the energy and full-health zeal to (1) be an actively contributing father and (2) keep the romance going. Now, you are both burnt out.
The reality is that there are likely many single women in far more realistic proximity to your online friend. Any day now he could be swept away from someone single and younger. The pandemic has restricted it for now due to social distancing. But once a vaccine arrives and social outlets resume to full-capacity - he will likely meet someone else. It reads like he is actively trying to date.
The emotional affair is a red flag and needs to be mitigated. Perhaps marital counseling. What about your child? The children of failed marriages oftentimes don't react well to a step dad or "boyfriend" if the marriage to the biological father ends (especially in adolescence). The reality check on that side can be fierce - it's a hidden variable you shouldn't ignore. Given the pandemic, children need the full attention of both parents if possible.
He not necessarily wants sex from you, not speaking a relationship with a toddler' mom. Men need a willing ear too. Male friendships are not what they used to be, seeking company of the opposite sex is pretty much the only major outlet for socializing that remains in this crazy culture.
I’m a 46 year old woman, married to a guy who is 68 this year. We have a 3 year old (ya, life ain’t easy). We’ve been married for 4 years. After our daughter was conceived our relationship changed as he did not want children (but did nothing to prevent it, mind you). He is miserable and moody a lot and a child is hard to keep up with at his age. We also haven’t had sex for almost 3 years. He lost his motivation and isn’t bothered with doing anything about it (I’m attractive/desirable). We don’t have the close friendship we use to have.
So, when I was 17, I dated this guy for two years (we will can him “John”). He broke my heart. We were young. But we had an amazing connection that I’ve never had with anyone else. Ever. Always loved him. We stayed in contact the last 30 years on and off rarely. He never married or had kids. He is 49. I thought about him frequently all that time. I moved to the East coast 20 years ago and now so we live on opposite sides of the country.
About 2.5 years ago he ran into my sister in my hometown in California where they both live. We got back in touch and talked every couple months. Somewhere that changed and for the last year and a half we talk very frequently. A few times a week. Sometimes everyday. We can talk for hours and regularly have 3-5 hour conversations. We have an amazing connection. Interests etc. reminder, we live on different coasts. We do not have a romantic relationship. He was dating someone and it didn’t work out with them. Now he is not dating, but trying. He is on dating websites. He told me that he found me attractive when I asked him. But he doesn’t flirt or want a relationship in the future from what I can gather. He tells me to leave my husband because I’m not happy and suggests other men to date. I know he doesn’t want kids and prefers to find a woman without children. But if he really cared for me why would that matter. He did mention once that he was at odds about his feelings for me since I’m married with someone else’s kid and that he was torn with that.
Why does he contact me daily, spend countless hours on the phone with me, initiate contact almost daily, send me pics and memes all the time on messenger, tell me I’m an amazing woman, tell me he cares about me, calls me for advice on everything etc. if he himself is not interested. Am I really just a great friend to him? It’s heartbreaking for me. What should I do? Help. This can go on for years. He’s always pressuring me to leave my husband, but it’s not like he wants me.
Is he just not “that” physically attracted to me? Maybe the interaction gives him, friendship, support and boots his ego?
Men out there, help! What gives?
So you just happened to get pregnant with your first child at 43? without the help of IVF / Fertility drugs?
Having a child at 68 is a bad bad bad idea especially if he isn't all "in". You guys seemed to have serious communication issues at the onset if you got pregnant and he "did nothing to stop it".
IMO this will go downhill quickly and would more forward with separation it's just not in the cards with him.
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