Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Thank you all for the wonderful advice and to those who were understanding. I hope that those who have been critical or judgemental can learn not to judge those that are lost or confused. I am a good person, with a good heart and I feel that sometimes that is my biggest flaw. I am not the average person and I struggle to live the average life despite my education. (Some people assume that because I have a masters I make huge money, I am the low man on the totem pole for a very small private school, husband is a carpenter and we have bills and student loans)
Thanks for showing me that what I have really is great and opening my eyes to the facts.. Im already Rich and someday, I'll be high above the water Im drowning in now..
i'm so glad to see you're most recent post. early this morning i saw & replied to your one about "wealthy catches", not knowing the whole situation. and to be honest, i was mortified that i contributed to ideas! lol can i assume that was meant in humor, i hope?
your financial situation has my sympathies. i can completely relate. we moved here from chicago in 06, and its been downhill ever since. constant debt, crappy jobs & wages, etc... and like you, i have a masters as well! but fortunately, i have a wonderful husband , and w/o him, i'd be a complete wreck. i'd love to shop better, eat out more, etc, too, and so would he!
my point...money issues suck! lol but focus on the fact that you have someone who loves you, and your children. i know too many women who have not been lucky enough to find that! i hope things improve for you!
on another subject....your profile shows you lived in chicago too. what part? what brought you here? (feel free to send me a direct message on this one)
Oobie, you can have what you want... just not now. You're only 30. It's not unreasonable in higher cost areas to still be living in a 2 bedroom. Why not get another job? You'd make much more in a public school. What about moving?
If you're educated, and you are both able-bodied, there is no reason you can't pull above the water if you so choose.
Oh man. How many posts are in the relationship thread dealing with abusive husbands? Or husbands that simply don't care? Or guys that cheated on their wife, or might be?
How about we do hubby-swap. You trade your fine caring husband to one of the ladies on here who can't seem to find a decent guy, and in return you can have a rich cold-hearted bastard.
Wake-up Call: Everyone in America is struggling right now. Ok, not everyone, but a whole lot of people. We are in a recession. The fact that you guys live within your means, shows that when our country hits the upswing again, you will still be above water, while others will not. Count your blessings, and stop being so selfish and materialistic. I really tried to feel sorry for you, I re-read your post three times in an effort to 'sympathize.' It didn't work. Hunker down and live with the fact that you are a normal couple dealing with normal financial problems. However you also happen to have found a guy that is crazy about you and is a good father to your kid.
It's okay. I know many people misinterpreted my post. I feel bad that I appear that way. I always joke with my husband and say that I will divorce him, and we will continue to be together while I swindle some sugardaddy out of his money-- Marry HIM, then divorce him and go back to my husband with all his money. LOL I have it all figured out..
Bet that makes him feel really good. Terrible thing to do to a decent man. Shame on you.
I wasn't going to post here but I can't help but wonder how the woman in this situation feels that she would gain custody of their daughter, if she divorced the father and broke up the home because she didnt want to shop at Target and live within a budget even a meager one.
If I were a judge looking at a hard working loving and supportive father and a mother who would break up the child's home and family for monetary gain.....it would be a no brainer. There are times when divorce may be the best solution and even be better for children caught between warring parents....but this case doesn't sound like one of them. The irresolvable issue here seems to be a lack of commitment.
But after thinking further.....this may just be venting....as part of problem solving and stress reduction...it could be that this post is as far as it goes.
Last edited by elston; 05-01-2008 at 07:37 AM..
Reason: second thoughts
Glad to see you're most recent post as well. I was about to post to you but seems you are starting to see more clearly.
The economy being as it is, everybody is struggling. Just keep that in mind. Even though we would all love to afford nicer things and be able to give our children stuff, remember that's all it boils down to being, stuff. At the end of the day what should matter most, is not how many things you acquried that day or even how much money you put in a savings account, what should matter is that you love and that you are loved.
From the sound of your OP it seems you are loved. You are in a good relationship, with a good man, who is a good husband and a good father. That is priceless. There is no amount of money in the world that could replace such things. Hold on tight to that and find your joy in that. The rest of the stuff may or may not come in time. But so long as you have each other, your family... like you said, yes you are rich.
One thing you guys may want to consider is sitting down with a financial advisor that can help you guys to make a plan for the future. They can help you set up both short term and long term goals. Yes, you guys will struggle for a bit, but brighter days will come in time. Just hold on to each other and enjoy them when they arrive.
I don't think you are a terrible person for wanting nicer things. In fact, I think you are rather normal when it comes to that. I am not into the whole brand name stuff, but I like nice things, if it happens to have a brand name to it, great, if not, so what. What matter's is that I like it, it fits well and I like the price. I am horrible about going to stores and buying stuff. I find it really difficult to spend more on something than what I want to spend or what I know I can get more for my money somewhere else.
Here is a suggestion for you, not sure how you would feel about it, but it works great for me and for my children.... For years I've shopped at consignement stores. You get all the name brands, nice clothes, some still with the tags on it, for a fraction of the cost. I remember my kids growing up and I would tell them... "okay, we can go to the store and spend $25 on one pair of jeans, or we can go to the consignment store and get you 3-4 pairs for that same $25". Let me tell you, evern year back to school shopping took place at the consignment stores, where they could get a lot more stuff for the budget and no one would have ever guessed the difference. If you don't tell people, they would never know. I have gotten stuff that sells at the store for $50 a blouse, yet only paid $8-$10 for it. Just a suggestion for you, maybe you can look into it as a way to cut back some expenses and still have nice clothing and stuff.
Here is a suggestion for you, not sure how you would feel about it, but it works great for me and for my children.... For years I've shopped at consignement stores. You get all the name brands, nice clothes, some still with the tags on it, for a fraction of the cost. I remember my kids growing up and I would tell them... "okay, we can go to the store and spend $25 on one pair of jeans, or we can go to the consignment store and get you 3-4 pairs for that same $25". Let me tell you, evern year back to school shopping took place at the consignment stores, where they could get a lot more stuff for the budget and no one would have ever guessed the difference. If you don't tell people, they would never know. I have gotten stuff that sells at the store for $50 a blouse, yet only paid $8-$10 for it. Just a suggestion for you, maybe you can look into it as a way to cut back some expenses and still have nice clothing and stuff.
Good luck.
Great suggestion.. I would have never thought of that as I have never done that.. but heck there is always a start!! reps for you
Oobie, I think I can give you perspective from the husband's side. It's difficult to comprehend what's going through his head... and I know this because my wife and I go through the same stuff a lot. I'm a professional musician and when I was younger, living in New Jersey (which has lots of flaws, but also lots of very rich people willing to put out big bucks for music lessons), I was making TONS of money. I've always had cheap tastes, so most people didn't know I was that rich, but I was.
Fast-forward to the summer of 2007. I get married, and my wife wants to move to northwest PA so that she can be near her family. I have no particular emotional ties to any area of the country, so I say okay. Well, this being the economic butthole of America, I found out that I had no prayer of being anywhere near as successful here as I was elsewhere. I've been a professional musician for five years... and during many of our arguments about money, my wife will say things like "You COULD'VE gotten a JOB!". Well, I never WANTED a job. I wanted a business. I had a business, and I was making more in that business than I could've made at a "job". She gets on me sometimes for being a bad provider... see, she works too (making about half of what she should be making, underemployed in the education field like you)... we're barely treading water as it is, with both of us working. (This morning I woke up to discover that it was below freezing. It's May, and it's below freezing. I can't wrap my mind around that! The thermostat was off, because we're having a hard enough time making ends meet as it is, and we don't need to be paying for MORE heating fuel. Well, the furnace had turned on anyway... because, apparently, even when the thermostat is off, the furnace will still turn on when it gets below 45 degrees in the house. Don't worry, we use a space heater in the bedroom. Anyway, this is how poor we are now.)
So, if she wasn't working, there'd be absolutely no way that we'd get ahead of the bills. Every time she tells me directly or indirectly that I am not an adequate provider, it hurts pretty badly. Every time she watches HGTV and ogles those really expensive houses, saying "we'll never have that", it hurts. Every time she drags me into a specialty cookware store, and whines on about the $200 pots that she really wants (because they're SO much better than what we have right now), it hurts. She has even said that she wishes I'd do something else with my life, because I'm not making enough money right now as a musician.
Well, I wanted to be a musician. I chose that path, and I loved it. I happen to be an excellent performer and teacher, and that's why I was so successful in the beginning. It was by virtue of having moved up here (HER idea) that my success was swapped for failure. She never had problems with my chosen profession when I was making tons of money at it... it was only when the money train derailed.
Don't get me wrong... my wife is not a horrible person, and we don't "argue" about money constantly. It's tough NOT to talk about money a lot when you have little income and lots of bills... but honestly, whenever she starts whining about the things she wants (which is inevitably coupled with statements such as "we're never going to be rich" and "I'll probably never get [that] because we'll never be able to afford it"... can you imagine how that makes me feel?
At the same time, my wife says that she'd want to be with me even if we didn't have two pennies to rub together... I hope she means that, and I hope that we never find ourselves in a situation where it has to be put to the test. She says that the main reason why she wants nice things now is because she grew up poor and never had much by way of nice things. Ask yourself this question... if your husband were unable to make any money, due to some catastrophic accident or illness which relegated his income to whatever disability pay would be, would you still want to be with him? You were singing his praises, saying that you were happily married. Look at him as a person... if you left him for someone who made more money, do you think it's possible that you could find someone who is a better PERSON than your husband? If your husband is definitely the man you'd want to be with if you had your choice of all men and you were assured that whomever you chose would make $200,000 per year... then you can't leave him.
Think about your daughter as well... if you leave your husband for a richer man, all of a sudden you have a broken family and your daughter will forever be shuttling back and forth between you and her father. I know this because it happened to an uncle of mine... he was a musician too, amusingly enough... and his wife left him for someone else. The "someone else" was a lawyer... don't tell me money wasn't a factor in there. Anyway, they had a daughter by that time, and she spent over a decade flying back and forth between her father in New Jersey and her mother in Florida. To the best of my knowledge, she turned out well and never turned to self-destructive behaviors like many kids in that situation do. However, do you think she really wanted to be doing that?
Ultimately, what you have to do is get out of your current situation and into something where you can afford to live the life you want on the money you make. That's what my wife and I are doing... we're getting off of the Titanic and moving south, to where the economy is not in the throes of death and despair. We'll make more money, jobs will be available, and things should be better. We won't, however, be getting a lot of expensive stuff. I'll have to teach her about that. When it comes to getting clothing, trust me... expensive clothes aren't necessarily the best. I got picked on for having $15 shoes when I was a kid, when most kids' parents could afford shoes that cost ten times as much. Well, my shoes outlasted theirs. Go figure.
In conclusion, I say you need to think about how your husband feels. Is he earning less than he should because he's lazy, or is it because there is no business to be had? As a carpenter, surely he's seen a downturn in his work due to the downturn in the construction industry. Move somewhere where houses are still being built. Then he'll be a happy carpenter.
Bet that makes him feel really good. Terrible thing to do to a decent man. Shame on you.
It's all said in fun and he knows it, Im not an emotionally strong person and I had a breakdown, Im better now..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
and someday, I'll be high above the water Im drowning in now..
