Am I a terrible person?? (marriage, woman, love, single)
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I am happily married to a wonderful, devoted guy. We have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful daughter. He is loyal, faithful and hardworking. He treats me well and loves me and my daughter..and I am still unhappy for one reason.. We struggle financially every day, we always fight over money. I have a good job, he has a stable job but makes a few thousand less than me. We live in a dump apartment and it seems we will never have anything better. I have offered to get a part time job-- so he immediately got one. It's still not enough. I want more. I want to be able to have nicer clothes. Not Jimmy Choo shoes, but I shop at Target! I want to be able to go to Disney with our daughter and put her in a nice preschool and later a private education. We have some credit card debt, but don't believe in racking up bills to live a life we can't afford. We truly live within our means and it's making me miserable. I knew he did not have a great job when I met him-- but I was lonely, and I fell in love with him. Is it so terrible for me to think about someone else, who can provide more for me and my daughter? I am an attractive woman with a lot to offer. There is no one in mind, Im just very confused. I love him so much but can't deal with the struggle. Please help me think things out..
You are not a horrible person but you have to keep this in mind. He probably loves you very much, he's probably doing the best he can and you keep asking for more, more, more. I find that men feel an incredible responsibility when married to be the bread winner, to make sure everyone has what they need, etc. If you want more and you knew what you were getting into before you married him then and you DID say you fell in love, then you have to remember your vows "in sickness and in health, for richer, for POORER". As a country our economy alone is horrible right now, you can't possibly expect him to work two jobs and still have enough money for you to have all your desires. You sound young, you have only been married three years, I would strongly suggest being patient, things are hard enough when you are young, not making a lot of money, you have kids and everything else. Be patient, there will be plenty of time for nice clothes, designer purses, etc... I'm a woman by the way and have been in your exact situation and now, I finally have everything I could possibly want. I have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, money, horses, etc.. It took time for this to build and I certainly went through a crap load of hard times to get here but it was worth it and when you struggle together as a couple it also builds a stronger relationship. If you love him, be patient. Know that he is probably doing the best he can and is probably already stressed from the arguing. I don't know a couple that hasn't or doesn't argue over money - that's one of the biggest problems in marriages and relationships. You are not alone in that thinking. To be honest though, you need to suck it up, grow up a little (and I meant that nicely) and realize that life is hard, don't make it harder and don't think that if you leave him you are going to magically find a ton of money or a sugar daddy, thats just a dream and only immature people envision that happening. Be strong and be there for your hubby. You also said you have a child, stop the fighting over money and just pay your bills and live life - get creative, there are ways to have fun on a budget. Sounds like you both need some fun and get back to why you fell in love in the first place. Money is great but you can't take it with you. Best of Luck!
make a plan to get out of debt together, or to get ahead together, set a goal and work toward it, you may find the greener pastures arent so green in the long run.
Maybe if you think of it this way - which would you prefer:
A husband that abuses you and/or your daughter, has no love for either of you, cheats on you, etc., but has money to burn
Or a husband that does the exact opposite of all those thing, but isn't "financially secure"?
Three years of marriage is, I think, about the time we start having second thoughts and playing "what if". Add to that the fact that financial matters are #1 on the list of marital problems and I'm not surprised you're having these thoughts.
I know that you said you live within your means, but perhaps you could look at those means again, a bit more closely. Disney? Is that REALLY a necessity? Sure, it would be nice, but is it VITAL? Couldn't you always put that off for a while?
Basically I think you need to make a choice: what do you want more? Security or happiness? Many would say that one brings the other, but in my experience it doesn't. You're just trading in an old set of problems for a new set.
Sometimes the grass truly IS greener on the other side; more often it's AstroTurf - totally fake.
Nothing wrong with doing that, BTW, and I'm not passing judgment here. Just saying - be able to live with whatever you decide, and decide based on true needs, not just wants.
Everyone seems to always want more out of life, whether its a bigger place, a diffrent vehicle, and so on..but what alot of us can afford, and what we get, are two diffrent things.
If you have a guy who loves you and your daughter, treats you well, and all the above, doesn`t that account for something? It sounds like he would do anything for you, so I think even though you want more out of life, it isn`t always greener on the other side, especially when it comes to love and devotion. What you have with him, doesn`t come around very often!!
If I was you, I would be happy with what you got, and if you can`t do that, then let him go!
Location: The world, where will fate take me this time?
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Hi Oobie without juding you or your situation.
Money is not everything in the world, and it won't bring happiness, material desire only brings suffering because it sets you into an endless cycle of more material desires when the ones you had before are fullfilled, if you love your guy and he is a nice father and husband, try to rennounce to those material desires and think about the things that you *really* need if you are able to get those then why worry? you should try to fill up that void with spirituality, that is which will bring true happiness and contenment to your life.
I don't know what Jimmy Choo shoes are, but the fact that you do, and that you want them, doesn't mean you are a terrible person.
It just means that you have been brainwashed by the false values of a material culture based on greed and profit and supported by conspicuous consumption.
Location: Lots of sun and palm trees with occasional hurricane :)
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Ooooo I'd say to think about and figure out if you could afford to be a single parent and still live the life you would like to have. Two salaries have to be better than one, even if it also means a little more expense, but you have to choose your poison.
If you make more money than he does, don't expect to get a whole lot of child support to supplement your wishes.
If you love him, I'd say stick with it. If you're falling out of love and beginning to dislike him because you can't have everything you want, well, re-distribute your priorities and again, think about being a single parent.
I did it and it definitely has it's rough spots.
OH, PS.... if you shop at Target, it can't be all that bad. It's more expensive than Walmart. I prefer Walmart myself.
I don't know what Jimmy Choo shoes are, but the fact that you do, and that you want them, doesn't mean you are a terrible person.
It just means that you have been brainwashed by the false values of a material culture based on greed and profit and supported by conspicuous consumption.
NOOO I said I do not want them, I just want to be able to afford nicer clothes for work- maybe at a store other than Target. I hate fancy brand name things and don't want material things. I just don't want to struggle anymore. I don't want diamonds or fancy cars, or even a huge house.. Im just fed up with living a barely mediocre life..
I don't know what Jimmy Choo shoes are, but the fact that you do, and that you want them, doesn't mean you are a terrible person.
It just means that you have been brainwashed by the false values of a material culture based on greed and profit and supported by conspicuous consumption.
I agree. Your placing value on materialistic things over the love of a good man and father for your child.
Objects don't make a great life. They are just things.
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without juding you or your situation.
