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Over the past few years, I've asked a bunch of people their thoughts and advice on dating, and it's becoming clear that none of it applies to me.
For instance, I was told that people mingle at bars, so I went to bars every weekend for 14 months and not one person talked to me. Dating apps, same thing. I get the impression that these things tend to work for people because they're attractive. If you go to a bar and someone talks to you, maybe it's simply because you're attractive.
So, if this is true, then why are people so reluctant to admit it? Are they afraid to hurt people's feelings? All this does is get a person's hopes up, which would make the truth even harder to swallow. Any thoughts?
Last edited by PJSaturn; 03-02-2020 at 10:06 PM..
Reason: Merged 2 threads on similar topic.
Over the past few years, I've asked a bunch of people their thoughts and advice on dating, and it's becoming clear that none of it applies to me.
For instance, I was told that people mingle at bars, so I went to bars every weekend for 14 months and not one person talked to me. Dating apps, same thing. I get the impression that these things tend to work for people because they're attractive. If you go to a bar and someone talks to you, maybe it's simply because you're attractive.
So, if this is true, then why are people so reluctant to admit it? Are they afraid to hurt people's feelings? All this does is get a person's hopes up, which would make the truth even harder to swallow. Any thoughts?
Anyone who thinks to reply to this thread should read your initial thread from May, where we discussed at length your ... unconventional ... approach to dating. That is ... that you NEVER approach.
Yes, of course dating apps are skewed toward attractive people, even though the definition of attractive will vary from person to person. But the fact remains that more men initiate dating-related interactions than women do, and whatever explanation you choose for NOT following that tradition is your own decision.
Over the past few years, I've asked a bunch of people their thoughts and advice on dating, and it's becoming clear that none of it applies to me.
For instance, I was told that people mingle at bars, so I went to bars every weekend for 14 months and not one person talked to me. Dating apps, same thing. I get the impression that these things tend to work for people because they're attractive. If you go to a bar and someone talks to you, maybe it's simply because you're attractive.
So, if this is true, then why are people so reluctant to admit it? Are they afraid to hurt people's feelings? All this does is get a person's hopes up, which would make the truth even harder to swallow. Any thoughts?
If you look around you would notice that not only physically attractive people have friends and relationships. So, obviously being less attractive is compensated by a great character, charisma, intelligence, common sense, being funny, friendly, caring... and having healthy self esteem and other positive qualities.
Also, even physical appearance could be improved, whatever you think you are deprived of.
Perhaps you lack those? There is not too late to improve.
Not everyone is going to be able to sit around and wait to get approached. You are going to have to take initiative to talk to people. You're gonna need thick skin as well. Not everyone is going to be welcoming and some people are going to be rude.
Also, it is my opinion that bars (especially loud ones where you can't even hear yourself think, let alone have a normal conversation with anyone) and online dating apps, are fairly superficial places. Loud nightclubs especially in my opinion would require you to be quite attractive looking by at least some people's standards, for anyone to seek out and try to interact with you, because what the hell else can they go by in a place like that?
Dating apps...well, that's a lot like marketing, trying to "sell" yourself to an audience. Get appealing photos done (seriously have you ever heard of all the tricks they use to photograph food for commercials and menu images?) and write up some clever ad copy to promote the product that is you. Because that's what online dating is set up like. Shopping for a product on Amazon or something. The only thing lacking is reviews lol. "I took off one star, because he had a booger in his left nostril during the entirety of our dinner date. It was gross but he couldn't have known, and I was too shy to say." Wouldn't that just be great...
I often advise guys to figure out what area is their personal strong suit and find a way to use that to self-promote. Like we had a guy here some time ago, some of the regulars might know who I speak of though he's been absent for years. He was a brilliant writer. I mean, just...WOW. And if I were giving dating advice to him, I'd suggest he try to write up a little zine type thing, like short stories or editorial commentary or something, print up a bunch of 'em and leave them in coffee shops, little bookstores, just around. If one day his email address appeared on an issue, by that point he'd have every literate female in town dying for a chance to find out who the guy behind those words was. The fella had a very, very sexy mind. Those of us (Hi!) who love the written word, and who enjoyed reading a well put together dating profile, would have been totally into him because I know he'd have written something clever and delightful. He was not gorgeous, not the sort of man who one would look twice at on the street, but he was OK looking.
Back in my desperately single days, I tried going to bars to meet guys. It never worked. I think "desperately single" sends out a pheromone or something. lol
Which is not to say I've never been approached while single, in a bar. I have been...but I wasn't "looking for a man". It just happened.
Over the past few years, I've asked a bunch of people their thoughts and advice on dating, and it's becoming clear that none of it applies to me.
For instance, I was told that people mingle at bars,
That wasn't good advice, IMO. Especially for you. Where people mingle, who are shy or reticent, or uncomfortable making an "Approach", is in hobby groups, co-ed activities of various sorts (volunteering, playing sports/hiking/biking/boating, classes, various community activities). Sharing an activity with others allows them to get to know you over time and scope you out. Conversations tend to flow naturally over the common interest that's obviously shared. It's in contexts like this, that women might ask you out, or would in some way indicate they're into you.
To mingle, you must mingle. Sitting silent in a corner doesn't work.
I suggest joining a few clubs about your interests. Then you have something to talk about with no pressure.
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