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OP dodged a bullet. A person of his age and experience should have no confusion about such important life matters. And to have the great moment of clarity come due to a sick cat.
Yes it's a good thing it happened before any more time passed but it should not have been in question from the beginning.
I think chances are he was convincing himself he could have another child in order to get the OP back. Once he was reminded of all the weight he has on his shoulders with the sick cat, he realized he just can't do it and let the OP know right away, which is commendable.
I just hope this guy doesn't change his mind again in a month and the OP falls for it, because that can result in a toxic on/off situation. He does not want children, nothing will change that.
It sounds like you both have been very self-aware and communicating well on this very sensitive issue. Commendable. I have known many people to have hit the rocks by being unable to know themselves and/or communicate well about it.
I agree. Love doesn't conquer all, not when it's something this important in life. I too commend them for their communication on the topic, because it's not something where you can meet halfway, and it's better to be up front than drag it out too long only to end up at the same conclusion and possibly years wasted.
I agree. Love doesn't conquer all, not when it's something this important in life. I too commend them for their communication on the topic, because it's not something where you can meet halfway, and it's better to be up front than drag it out too long only to end up at the same conclusion and possibly years wasted.
These however are not kids. The guy doesn't get a medal for his realization. He shouldn't have said it in the first place, because self-actualized adults know who they are and what they want. Further, this isn't a new romance, it is an ex, so it isn't about being dazzled.
These however are not kids. The guy doesn't get a medal for his realization. He shouldn't have said it in the first place, because self-actualized adults know who they are and what they want. Further, this isn't a new romance, it is an ex, so it isn't about being dazzled.
^ This.
I am less than dazzled by his "honesty". To say he'd be willing to consider her if she would give up her dream for him, that's just crappy. The only saving grace is that he didn't wait until they were married to back away from having a third child, or worse, had a secret vasectomy.
I'm very glad to see the OP is pursuing her dream and planning to stay away from this guy. There are men who want a family and a lovely person like her.
one of his cats went into cardiac arrest and that he’s been up all night thinking and has realized he wants to end our relationship before it goes any further because he cannot handle another responsibility in his life and so he does not want anymore children. He apologized and said he didn’t want to lie to me. He said I should be with someone who wants the same things as I do.
He’s approaching 50, so I understand why he wouldn’t want anymore kids.
Men are ranchers. Men aren't cat ranchers.
In all seriousness, if he can't handle a midnight trip to the vet with his cat without it precipitating an existential crisis you're better off without him.
Kids and dogs are awesome; If I could find the right person without violating the (age/2)+7 rule I'd half a half dozen of them, even now.
Ok so maybe I’m emotionally a bit all over the place right now. But I spent all day yesterday thinking if kids really are a dealbreaker for me. I am a bit up there in age, and there’s a good possibility I won’t be able to get pregnant. Most woman my age, say they’d like kids but it’s not a must, so maybe I should change my view point because I don’t want to have a child on my own.
Anyway last night I came to the decision that I would like to continue to see him and just see what happens. I don’t want to lose someone I care about over a hypothetical child especially when there’s a good chance it just might not be in the cards for me either way. I texted him last night to see if he can talk, he responded saying he had just picked up the cat and brought it to the ex’s (that’s where the cats live), I said ok. He then asked me how I was doing, I said I was ok and asked how the cat was. He said the cat was heavily medicated but very affectionate and seemed glad to be home, I said I was glad to hear that. I then asked him if he could call me when he left the ex’s, he said yes. And then he never called, so I guess maybe he did use the kid thing as an excuse after all.
While it's not clear yet what will happen with this particular man (and i wish you both the best) it does seem that a hypothetical child is... hypothetical... while a real connection is real. If you were much younger or in a long-term relationship with the question of children up in the air, that would be different. But to have such a deadline "I have to get pregnant in the next year," that just doesn't make sense. To me, anyway, but then, I'm childfree by choice. But I certainly have seen that demand to get pregnant almost immediately an absolute deal breaker to most men who already have had a child (and to many who never wanted one anyway). Best wishes to OP in life happenings.
Ok so maybe I’m emotionally a bit all over the place right now. But I spent all day yesterday thinking if kids really are a dealbreaker for me. I am a bit up there in age, and there’s a good possibility I won’t be able to get pregnant. Most woman my age, say they’d like kids but it’s not a must, so maybe I should change my view point because I don’t want to have a child on my own.
Anyway last night I came to the decision that I would like to continue to see him and just see what happens. I don’t want to lose someone I care about over a hypothetical child especially when there’s a good chance it just might not be in the cards for me either way. I texted him last night to see if he can talk, he responded saying he had just picked up the cat and brought it to the ex’s (that’s where the cats live), I said ok. He then asked me how I was doing, I said I was ok and asked how the cat was. He said the cat was heavily medicated but very affectionate and seemed glad to be home, I said I was glad to hear that. I then asked him if he could call me when he left the ex’s, he said yes. And then he never called, so I guess maybe he did use the kid thing as an excuse after all.
This is a decision only you can make, if you really want to be with this man and you're willing to forego having children then that's your choice.
As for him not calling, seems his life is a bit chaotic right now. There could be a multitude of reasons for why he didn't call, not necessarily because he used the kid thing as an excuse. He did respond to your texts so I don't think he's avoiding you, I'd give it a few days.
Ok so maybe I’m emotionally a bit all over the place right now. But I spent all day yesterday thinking if kids really are a dealbreaker for me. I am a bit up there in age, and there’s a good possibility I won’t be able to get pregnant. Most woman my age, say they’d like kids but it’s not a must, so maybe I should change my view point because I don’t want to have a child on my own.
Anyway last night I came to the decision that I would like to continue to see him and just see what happens. I don’t want to lose someone I care about over a hypothetical child especially when there’s a good chance it just might not be in the cards for me either way. I texted him last night to see if he can talk, he responded saying he had just picked up the cat and brought it to the ex’s (that’s where the cats live), I said ok. He then asked me how I was doing, I said I was ok and asked how the cat was. He said the cat was heavily medicated but very affectionate and seemed glad to be home, I said I was glad to hear that. I then asked him if he could call me when he left the ex’s, he said yes. And then he never called, so I guess maybe he did use the kid thing as an excuse after all.
Having vs. not having children, can be a huge thing. Especially for women that hear their "expiration date" alarm, coming up. All of a sudden, it's "Gotta make a baby, fast," time. This is to appease a selfish person.
He likely is using the cat, as an excuse to avoid you. If it's not the cat, then it'll be something else. Time for you to move on to someone that already HAS lots of kids that needs a mom. They're out there. You've got a big heart, share it with children.
Good luck!
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