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Would it be a deal breaker? What if it was years ago? A one-off?
No. A DUI is an offense as a minor. If somebody had a beer and was driving the car at the age of 19 and they got caught I don't care.
In that same vein I wouldn't hold it against them if they had a DWI which is an adult offense. If it's three or four then absolutely it would be a deal breaker.
If it was recent ( within 2-3 years) that would be a no-go. If it was older, I would be open to it as long as the person doesn’t show signs of continuing to be a heavy drinker in any sort of habitual way.
and arrest record for DWI is a bad bellwether as to whether or not they're a heavy drinker. Most heavy drinkers never get caught driving a car. And also you can drink too much once in your life and drive a car get caught and have a DWI. I would want to know more about the person. A DWI does not indicate a heavy drinker. Lack of a DWI does not indicate they are not a heavy drinker.
No. A DUI is an offense as a minor. If somebody had a beer and was driving the car at the age of 19 and they got caught I don't care.
In that same vein I wouldn't hold it against them if they had a DWI which is an adult offense. If it's three or four then absolutely it would be a deal breaker.
It depends upon the state. Here in Pennsylvania, a DUI is what the offense is called no matter what the offender's age.
So far as DUIs are concerned re: being a bellwether of sorts... My ex received his first two offenses when he was in a parked car--I kid you not. Because the keys were in the ignition and, in one instance, his foot was on the brake, it was intent to drive while intoxicated.
There were many occasions (including a very memorable incident when we were engaged) that he should have been picked up by the police or cited after being stopped, but got away with driving drunk.
Everyone's mileage varies when it comes to this issue, but given what I witnessed and experienced when coupled with a person who had a substance abuse issue, it's on my personal list of set-into-stone dealbreakers.
Let someone else who's willing to roll that particular set of dice be the one to give them a chance if they're so inclined. I just can't be that person.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 02-26-2021 at 03:43 PM..
Probably would depend on, if it's first offense vs second or third offense. I'm usually willing to give anybody a chance, but if this is something the person have done before, then perhaps it's a sign of other issues.
It depends upon the state. Here in Pennsylvania, a DUI is what the offense is called no matter what the offender's age.
So far as DUIs are concerned re: being a bellwether of sorts... My ex received his first two offenses when he was in a parked car--I kid you not. Because the keys were in the ignition and, in one instance, his foot was on the brake, it was intent to drive while intoxicated.
There were many occasions (including a very memorable incident when we were engaged) that he should have been picked up by the police or cited after being stopped, but got away with driving drunk.
Everyone's mileage varies when it comes to this issue, but given what I witnessed and experienced when coupled with a person who had a substance abuse issue, it's on my personal list of set-into-stone dealbreakers.
Let someone else who's willing to roll that particular set of dice be the one to give them a chance if they're so inclined. I just can't be that person.
What having a DUI it's a set in stone deal breaker? Even knowing that story you told me about your ex? I don't abide by alcoholism or any other form of drug abuse. But being in the wrong place at the wrong time does not equate to drug abuse. You are absolutely rolling the dice anytime you meet and go on a date with somebody. They may not be alcoholics or even drug addicts.
I don't know if I stood by what I thought to have been a deal-breaker, I wouldn't have met who I'm with now.
I think if most people are being truly honest, whether or not it would be a deal breaker would depend on other factors. For example, how good looking the person is. And/or how financially secure the person is.
What having a DUI it's a set in stone deal breaker? Even knowing that story you told me about your ex? I don't abide by alcoholism or any other form of drug abuse. But being in the wrong place at the wrong time does not equate to drug abuse. You are absolutely rolling the dice anytime you meet and go on a date with somebody. They may not be alcoholics or even drug addicts.
I don't know if I stood by what I thought to have been a deal-breaker, I wouldn't have met who I'm with now.
I'm not going to go into my full history here, but it's been my experience through both marriage to an alcoholic (and we were friends for nearly a decade before we dated, so I well know what "rolling the dice" with a very functional alcoholic entails) and spending two decades in a business that's rife with alcohol abuse, that it's just not a risk that I'm willing to take. For me, that particular set of dice was rolled when I chose to marry my former spouse after the DUI that he *should* have received during our engagement--an engagement that I temporarily put on hold after that incident.
Here's the thing: in the beginning stages of his addiction...before the fallout of 2008 and its resultant stressors and the death of his mother in 2013, he managed his alcoholism very, very well to the point that unless you truly knew him, you'd never know that he had a problem. He didn't recognize that he had a problem. His own father had no idea until he fully fell down the proverbial rabbit hole after his mother's death that my ex was an alcoholic. He just though that his son liked to drink and occasionally would have a bit too much; that the two DUIs he had WHILE HE WAS PARKED were just incidents of bad luck. (Partly because his mother, his friends, and I "ran interference" for him as needed; partly because he was very functional for a long time.)
And yes, I know that dating is rolling the dice as is getting behind the wheel as is just taking a walk around the neighborhood. However, choosing to not date someone who has a DUI is way to at least someone mitigate the risk of becoming coupled with another person who struggles with substance abuse. It's not as if I'm choosing deal-breakers such as height, weight, ethnicity, etc., after all, and it's my (wise for me) choice to make.
I can also say that I don't know how many people have a history of dating people with the same issues over and over again despite the multiple early warning signs. (We often see them here on this forum.) That's just not how I roll. Never again--no matter how hot, how well-off, or how well-connected. That can be someone else's set of dice to roll.
Last edited by Formerly Known As Twenty; 02-26-2021 at 06:28 PM..
I'm not going to go into my full history here, but it's been my experience through both marriage to an alcoholic (and we were friends for nearly a decade before we dated, so I well know what "rolling the dice" with a very functional alcoholic entails) and spending two decades in a business that's rife with alcohol abuse, that it's just not a risk that I'm willing to take. For me, that particular set of dice was rolled when I chose to marry my former spouse after the DUI that he *should* have received during our engagement--an engagement that I temporarily put on hold after that incident.
Here's the thing: in the beginning stages of his addiction...before the fallout of 2008 and its resultant stressors and the death of his mother in 2013, he managed his alcoholism very, very well to the point that unless you truly knew him, you'd never know that he had a problem. He didn't recognize that he had a problem. His own father had no idea until he fully fell down the proverbial rabbit hole after his mother's death that my ex was an alcoholic. He just though that his son liked to drink and occasionally would have a bit too much; that the two DUIs he had WHILE HE WAS PARKED were just incidents of bad luck. (Partly because his mother, his friends, and I "ran interference" for him as needed; partly because he was very functional for a long time.)
And yes, I know that dating is rolling the dice as is getting behind the wheel as is just taking a walk around the neighborhood. However, choosing to not date someone who has a DUI is way to at least someone mitigate the risk of becoming coupled with another person who struggles with substance abuse. It's not as if I'm choosing deal-breakers such as height, weight, ethnicity, etc., after all, and it's my (wise for me) choice to make.
I can also say that I don't know how many people have a history of dating people with the same issues over and over again despite the multiple early warning signs. (We often see them here on this forum.) That's just not how I roll. Never again--no matter how hot, how well-off, or how well-connected. That can be someone else's set of dice to roll.
Fair enough, I can imagine how going through all of that will make a person less likely to take the chance. I never lived with an alcoholic but it doesn't sound pleasant.
I had a deal breaker that I suspended on a long shot and met someone very important to me. Though I guess that deal breaker was a less important. Mine was against dating a guy more than five years younger than me. I met a guy liked him went on a few dates found out he was 8 years younger than me he was 22 and I was 30. Not that he wasn't attractive to me I just felt like I was creeping on a young guy didn't want to take advantage. Definitely a lot less of a gamble.
I see the words deal breaker and I think about me and my passed notions of deal breakers.
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