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I think at this point I would focus more on trying to comfort your husband, not yourself.
You don't win this by making him wrong. You win this by making him feel secure in you and your relationship.
THIS. Your behavior toward your husband only cemented the idea that he has reason to be concerned. You spent 45 minutes talking to a former lover of seven years followed quickly by brushing off your husbands concerns in a matter of minutes as though his feelings don't matter. No, I don't think he over-reacted. I think he acted appropriately.
Your husband is right. No man is going to contact a married woman out of the blue without an agenda. "You have a strong need to know how he's doing." You think your husband is Boo Boo The Fool. He didn't say whether he's married or not: Red Flag #1. No good can come from this.
Why would you talk to someone on the phone for 45 minutes in the same room where other people are doing things? Talk in private, tell him about it later, it won't seem like such a big deal.
They weren't in the same room, they were in the next room. And having the conversation within general earshot is a good way of signaling, "I have nothing to hide" to her spouse. If she'd left to go to a phone upstairs, say, it would have communicated the opposite. That would have made the blowback worse, afterwards.
I'm in the "it depends" camp. I re-connected with a guy I'd dated in college 30-something years later through LinkedIn. I was happily married to DH at the time (DH died in 2016). Friend actually visited with us two times when he was in the area. Both times he and I also went out for a meal without DH. Nothing happened. I wasn't even tempted and the guy was a perfect gentleman. DH knew of my libertine youth and he trusted me, bless him.
But yes, it could be playing with fire, especially if the guy isn't married or is unhappily married. I'm going to be in the general area of another former BF, this relationship serious enough that it almost led to marriage, in October. Not sure if I want to get together with him or not. I'm widowed but in a happy, monogamous relationship. I could NOT have sex with old BF and not tell the current one and it would probably wreck the relationship. Former BF is also married, apparently happily, and I don't want to be The Other Woman.
It's not the conversation that matters. It's the kind of conversation.
I've had old girlfriends reconnect with me. They fall into two categories: Those who just want to catch up and those who want to pick up where things left off. The first I'll chat with on Facebook. The other I'll give a polite stiff-arm.
Same thing with my wife. Before we met, she had just broken off a three-year relationship with a guy who was intent on marrying her. She realized he was about to propose and she just couldn't see a life with him. Fast forward past our whirlwind courtship and engagement and--bada bing--we were married a year after she dumped him. Evidently he never married.
A few years ago, he came into town and invited her to lunch. "Go catch up," I said. She invited me along, but the last thing I wanted was some lovesick meathead staring a hole into me and making mental comparisons.
It boils down to trust, both in your husband's ability to be mature and trust you and your ability to be mature and trustworthy. So either he is just neurotic and controlling or you've given him a reason to be neurotic and controlling.
Only you can answer what, deep down, your intentions are.
Your husband did not over react. Your former lover was a huge part of your life and his calling to find out if you were going to be at a reunion to be held in three days doesn't sound all that innocent to me. He could have waited three days to see if you were there. A "catching up" could have happened in public, with your husband present.
Like other posters I'm curious as to what happened (or will happen) with the reunion. Are you going with your husband or did the reunion already take place?
I have been married for eleven years and have three children under the age of six. Out of the blue, my first love, who I had dated for 7 years while in high school and college, and who was my "first," called me to find out whether I would be attending our class reunion which was to take place a few days later.
We hadn't been in contact with each other for about 12 years at the time I received his phone call.
I proceeded to talk with him for 45 minutes, while my husband was in the next room watching our three children.
After the phone call ended, my husband asked me who it was. I told him. My husband knew that I had dated him for 7 years and that he was my "first."
My husband told me that he thought it was inappropriate that I had taken my ex-boyfriend's call at all, let alone speaking with him for 45 minutes. My husband also said that it's likely that he had an "agenda" by calling me out of the blue like that.
I told my husband that he was overreacting, and that it was perfectly normal for me to talk with him for 45 minutes. I hadn't heard from him in more than a decade, and I a strong need to know how he was doing. I also told my husband that I had no feelings whatsoever for my ex-boyfriend, and that we were just friends.
And, I told my husband that he was way off base by thinking that he had called because he had an "agenda," because that's not the type of person he is.
Is my husband overreacting to this whole thing?
In my world there are glimmers of what your husband said to be true. I'm really not an overly-jealous type so I wouldn't mind you taking the call. I think 45 mins is kind of a long time, but whatever. I also think that the dude could possibly have an agenda, not automatically, but something might be there.
Put it this way, I've got a few ex gf's that are on my FB friend list. Some date back 35 yrs now. When they reached out to me we exchanged a few polite back and forth DMs and that was about it. Now they'll occasionally like one of my posts and I'll do the same back.
That was about the extent of it, not a 45 min conversation, but again, I'm not personally bother too much by that but I only mention it for contrast sake only.
In other words I think you both have some standing here.
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