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That said, there was something sketchy about excluding men from activities with other women. I've seen this a few times in singles groups. May as well be a man-hating club or something lol Also, it doesn't make her look good on a public forum as it is.
Having activities that don't include men doesn't make the meeting a man-hating club. But your perspective may help explain your singleness.
The purpose of her being in a singles group is to eventually trade up from her placeholder into a high value man. The lack of a formal title makes her feel less guilty about busting it up when she finds a better option.
? I was in a huge singles group and many of the people in there (including me) had NO INTEREST whatsoever in dating. They just wanted to have friends to do activities with. It is hard to find friends sometimes when you are single, particularly if you are interested in doing activities that might not be recommended to do alone- like a long hike, nighttime fitness walk, overnight trips, etc. That is not to say that there weren’t some people who found people to date, but that certainly wasn’t the goal of the group. One thing I liked about that group was that typically it was some sort of fitness activity followed by a meal for people interested in attending. I went sometimes and not others. I lived in one place that had almost no groups on Meetup or elsewhere. I am Chicagoland now, so there are no shortage of groups to join both through Meetup/Facebook and other venues.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57
She may not believe that she "has a man" and/or is "in a relationship" because the man has not (yet?) made things "official". Heck, I knew of ONE man who was exclusively 'seeing' a woman for several years, moved in with her, had a child together, and yet swore up and down that he wasn't in a "relationship". with her!
Assuming it is the man that don’t want to commit when it was the woman who joined a single group to volunteer that information is asinine at best and sexist at worst.
Assuming it is the man that don’t want to commit when it was the woman who joined a single group to volunteer that information is asinine at best and sexist at worst.
And yet, OP assumes that the woman IS in a committed relationship, therefore shouldn't be in the singles group. It seems that it goes both ways.
Unless it's specifically, and spelled out, that this is a group with the intent of finding someone to date (and also, apparently, to date the opposite gender?) OP doesn't get to say what the group is for.
In my opinion, if you are not married you are single. You may be single and engaged, or single with a significant other, but still single.
I don't see anything wrong with men only or women only get togethers. If this is a problem for you, I can't imagine how worked up you would get at a serious problem.
? I was in a huge singles group and many of the people in there (including me) had NO INTEREST whatsoever in dating. They just wanted to have friends to do activities with. It is hard to find friends sometimes when you are single, particularly if you are interested in doing activities that might not be recommended to do alone- like a long hike, nighttime fitness walk, overnight trips, etc. That is not to say that there weren’t some people who found people to date, but that certainly wasn’t the goal of the group. One thing I liked about that group was that typically it was some sort of fitness activity followed by a meal for people interested in attending. I went sometimes and not others. I lived in one place that had almost no groups on Meetup or elsewhere. I am Chicagoland now, so there are no shortage of groups to join both through Meetup/Facebook and other venues.
This makes more sense of it.
I saw "singles" and immediately thought, "singles trying to seek partners"...but it's true that when you're single, if you find yourself with lots of friends who are coupled up, you might feel like a third wheel, or worse, if all of your friends end up having kids and you don't... I gotta be honest, now that my sons are grown, I am NOT keen to hang out with my friends who are building families with little children. You can't cuss, and the munchkins scream a lot. And they're sticky. *shudder.*
So yeah! A SOCIAL group for singles, does kinda make sense.
But I'd expect there to be some kind of description somewhere, what the group is for. If it's explicitly for dating, and someone tries to organize a women's only meet up, then I'd wonder if it was for lesbians or bi/pan women to meet other women to date? And if not, maybe it wouldn't make a ton of sense, or could be organized outside of the group?
I don't see a problem with a bunch of single women wanting to hang out without any dudes, though. Or the opposite, a bunch of single men wanting to hang out with no women around. Trying to get your mack on, isn't all there is to life after all.
Funny though, I'm thinking of the times we tried to have gender exclusive parties at the club. First we had to clarify that trans and gender fluid and non binary people could attend so long as they were "in a somewhat feminine/masculine headspace"...(which is kind of just asking that people respect the spirit of the thing.) The women's only party had much smaller attendance than a regular party, but a good 20-30 people and it was a great time. The men's only party (where I legit expected the leather guys to show up)...was a bust. Like 3 people turned up, besides the volunteers running the event.
I mean at some point ya gotta think, much as you, TT123, would love to show up at a women's event and be the only dude there and that is a fun notion to have in your head...if you were allowed, then so would every other guy be, and then it would be like every other co-ed event that there is. Getting fussed that maybe all the ladies will show up to just hang out together and you're not allowed to get up in that, is a bit silly.
One other thing to think about. Often when single women go out to meet single men, they generally go out with a group of single female friends so that if any of the single guys are too aggressive or just too drunk the other single women can step in to intercede on behalf of each other. So I can see why some single women want to meet and bond with other single women first, so that they all know that they can rely and trust each other.
Additionally when single women do go out together to meet men, I suspect they probably want to do with women who are roughly as attractive and as outgoing as themselves and in the same general age and same social class. If one woman in the group is a lot more (or less) attractive and social than the others and getting all of the attention from the men than the others, that might not be the best single woman to go out with for a night on the town. So that might be the other reason these single women want to do things with just other single woman first to find the right group of single woman to go out with, even if they ultimately want to meet men.
Lastly the dating world often works better if you don't presume adversarial intent on the part of the other gender. There are some women that I think have issues with men, there are some men I suspect women think have issues with women. I know I have no interest in trying to date women who I think hate men and I assume most emotionally healthy women don't want to date men who they think have issues with women.
There are some women as you talk with them you get a sense that you detect have issues with men and this low level misandry and you pick up those cues really quickly. Realize women are doing the same thing with men. They are looking for cues of misogyny and are as sensitive to it as much as you are sensitive to cues of misandry.
What I am getting at is that if you aren't understanding what and why women are doing something, both ask women why they are doing it, but also ask them in such a way where its not framed women doing something to you in adversarial fashion like you did here. I think you will get more productive answers.
I am a married woman who loves her husband to the moon and back. Nevertheless...sometimes I JUST want to get together with the girls and have fun, just girls. For me, it's a different energy when it's "just the girls". It's often a silly time, and we giggle a lot, or we gab a lot, or whatever. Girl time is fun time in a different way.
? I was in a huge singles group and many of the people in there (including me) had NO INTEREST whatsoever in dating. They just wanted to have friends to do activities with. It is hard to find friends sometimes when you are single, particularly if you are interested in doing activities that might not be recommended to do alone- like a long hike, nighttime fitness walk, overnight trips, etc. That is not to say that there weren’t some people who found people to date, but that certainly wasn’t the goal of the group. One thing I liked about that group was that typically it was some sort of fitness activity followed by a meal for people interested in attending. I went sometimes and not others. I lived in one place that had almost no groups on Meetup or elsewhere. I am Chicagoland now, so there are no shortage of groups to join both through Meetup/Facebook and other venues.
The Meetups where I'm located...the ones that are more "Singles in <name of town" or whatever city it's analogous with, typically tend to have not much going on with them anyways. Thousands join, only a handful RSVP. Some are kind of geared towards "singles mixers" where people stand around with drinks and name tags. Others...speed dating. During the pandemic, online speed dating.
Anyways, prior to Covid, these groups tended to fizzle out or had a short life span for whatever reason. Chances are there was no activity associated without other than hanging out at a place during the business' Happy Hour.
Funny thing, I am a member of this hiking group...and during the hike, a woman asked, "Have you noticed that it's mostly single people in these Meetups?" (Regardless of the activity or hobby). I was like "Yeah, it's because couples are off doing things on their own.
I don't recall anyone at a Meetup, esp. a singles group say anything regarding "I'm not here for dating". Not one bit.
But, to say "I'm not here to date" is kind of a defense mechanism of sorts. The phrasing of it that is. I mean, you could say that no matter what venue you are in...but, people may wind up finding someone...to date, regardless.
They are probably considering it though at the very least at these venues, esp. ones that are labeled "single". I honestly think women are more than likely to think this way than the men of the group, as...well..men are the pursuers, yes? lol
So it would just make sense that the ladies would have their defenses up.
Just because you're not here to date, won't mean you will wind up not dating someone.
Kind of like when someone goes to a car lot, and when a salesperson approaches them...they immediately say, "I'm not here to buy anything!"
Don't get me wrong, I'm up for making friends while at these events, while keeping my intent on the downlow...but...this whole making this thing "ladies only" is just kind of a slap in the face.
Again, these people need to find another venue for that kind of thing. Advertising it as such on a public area just makes you look bad.
I am like "Great, don't treat the group as a dating site, but...not including men in the activities that you announce...well...just kind of weird". It's like it's done on purpose to keep men at bay and to try to as k someone out on a date". lol It's like "Let's have a woman's only gathering, so men can't ask us out! We won't even give them an opening or an opportunity for something to even organically occur!"
One other thing to think about. Often when single women go out to meet single men, they generally go out with a group of single female friends so that if any of the single guys are too aggressive or just too drunk the other single women can step in to intercede on behalf of each other. So I can see why some single women want to meet and bond with other single women first, so that they all know that they can rely and trust each other.
Additionally when single women do go out together to meet men, I suspect they probably want to do with women who are roughly as attractive and as outgoing as themselves and in the same general age and same social class. If one woman in the group is a lot more (or less) attractive and social than the others and getting all of the attention from the men than the others, that might not be the best single woman to go out with for a night on the town. So that might be the other reason these single women want to do things with just other single woman first to find the right group of single woman to go out with, even if they ultimately want to meet men.
Lastly the dating world often works better if you don't presume adversarial intent on the part of the other gender. There are some women that I think have issues with men, there are some men I suspect women think have issues with women. I know I have no interest in trying to date women who I think hate men and I assume most emotionally healthy women don't want to date men who they think have issues with women.
There are some women as you talk with them you get a sense that you detect have issues with men and this low level misandry and you pick up those cues really quickly. Realize women are doing the same thing with men. They are looking for cues of misogyny and are as sensitive to it as much as you are sensitive to cues of misandry.
What I am getting at is that if you aren't understanding what and why women are doing something, both ask women why they are doing it, but also ask them in such a way where its not framed women doing something to you in adversarial fashion like you did here. I think you will get more productive answers.
Mine wasn't as adversarial as here...but I did question the fairness of the action...the whole "I have a male friend that wouldn't approve" was kind of an aside to it all. (brought up other questions) but I didn't really want to go down that path. But it did leave me scratching my head.
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with her! 
