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I have been married for about 1 year and I love my wife very much. She loves me too and makes me feel it. Something happened while watching the drama together like the end of January. In the series, a middle-aged woman was on trial for having a relationship with a very young person. Suddenly I was with a very young person, he was the friend of my daughter's boyfriend, she said. When she was 43 years old, she had a relationship with a man (she said they met and chatted a few times and made love) aged 21-22. When she first said this, her voice seemed to speak of an ordinary and proud act. I think this was one of the things that impressed me the most. I froze. As she left the city the next day, I was alone at home for 5-6 days and I had a bad mentally during this time. I compared her past experiences with my own experiences and felt like someone who had never experienced anything, his life was bare. While I always thought of myself as experienced and experienced a lot, I realized that this was not the case in reality and that I had lost myself. This made me feel awful. Inadequate and worthless. At the same time, I could not digest her experience with the young man. This has been one of the biggest taboos in my life.
Later, this topic came to the fore and we talked. I realized I was judging her involuntarily. She told me the situation from her point of view. She said that she did not enter the relationship for sexual purposes, her prejudice against men was broken thanks to that relationship and she found me by this means, and that young man approached her with respect, loyalty and admiration. I said to me, I wish you explained it that way from the beginning.
However, this situation continued to hurt me as I thought of it. I could not get rid of this somehow. How could he do such a thing? How could she have had a relationship with her daughter's friend, someone her son's age. I'm still in this psychology and I don't know how to get rid of it.
My wife has had many relationships in the past, with someone 10 years older, someone 10 years younger, other people ... None of this affected me, but her relationship with this child affected me very much.
I am a person who has had difficulties in expressing his wishes due to financial reasons since childhood and then this has spread throughout his life. When our mother went out to us, she would say don't ask for anything, we have no money. We were always asked to be quiet, well-behaved children who were content with what was given to them. I've been like this all my life.
I do not have much regret for what I have done in the past. But about 10 years ago, when I was 37, when I think that I rejected that 21-year-old girl for ethical reasons, I wish I was with her. Because, maybe then my wife's experience wouldn't have affected me that way.
Now I want to find out what I have to do to get through this situation. I love my wife very much, she is one of the most beautiful things that I have come across. However, I cannot get rid of the effects of this incident.
Thank you very much in advance
Everyone involved was an adult. What is past is past. It's over and done with. You can make a big deal out of this and ruin your marriage or you can put it in the past where it belongs. You are the one she married, and you are the one she loves. If you keep being silly about this you have a chance of losing your wife. Your insecurities are not attractive.
Later, this topic came to the fore and we talked. I realized I was judging her involuntarily. She told me the situation from her point of view. She said that she did not enter the relationship for sexual purposes, her prejudice against men was broken thanks to that relationship and she found me by this means, and that young man approached her with respect, loyalty and admiration. I said to me, I wish you explained it that way from the beginning.
Even if it came later than you would've liked, her explanation should help put it in perspective for you. You don't seem upset that she has a sexual history, you just seem upset at what you perceived as the tawdriness of this one encounter. Her explanation should give you the context you need to put this behind you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by torozor
I do not have much regret for what I have done in the past. But about 10 years ago, when I was 37, when I think that I rejected that 21-year-old girl for ethical reasons, I wish I was with her. Because, maybe then my wife's experience wouldn't have affected me that way.
Don't think of this as a missed opportunity think of it as you being true to yourself at the time. The situation did not seem right to you, so you should feel good about yourself for holding to your values. A long time ago I passed on a once in a lifetime sexual opportunity because I was in a committed relationship. When that relationship ended I briefly thought back to that as a wasted opportunity but in the end I think I'm a better person for holding true to my values than I would've been if I had gone through with it. Same with you, you're a better man for staying true to yourself.
You get past this by realizing that the situation she was in was not as bad as you first thought, and that you're not some kind of sucker because you didn't do something you felt was wrong in the past.
Also, it appears that he was quite mature for his age, treating her with the care and respect that older men didn't/couldn't do.
You should think about why you feel that age differences in relationships is unethical. Maybe you have some things to work through with a mental health professional to help you reevaluate your concern.
My mind has trouble grasping certain things. Why does a person have an affair with his own child's friend? Why would he describe it as just an experience on the one hand and be afraid of being heard by her children or family on the other?
After saying that this relationship has corrected the male perception within her, and after telling that young man that this relationship cannot continue, she still continues to communicate with him and meet, albeit not often? She said that her last met with him about 4-5 months before we started being together. However, after we started to be together, they corresponded and talked, I saw the messages. Is this normal? She said that when our relationship deepened, they did not speak. On top of all this, she says she never seeks pleasure in her life and I am confused.
My mind has trouble grasping certain things. Why does a person have an affair with his own child's friend? Why would he describe it as just an experience on the one hand and be afraid of being heard by her children or family on the other?
After saying that this relationship has corrected the male perception within her, and after telling that young man that this relationship cannot continue, she still continues to communicate with him and meet, albeit not often? She said that her last met with him about 4-5 months before we started being together. However, after we started to be together, they corresponded and talked, I saw the messages. Is this normal? She said that when our relationship deepened, they did not speak. On top of all this, she says she never seeks pleasure in her life and I am confused.
Nice bait and switch there dude. lol
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