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Sorry for your loss. Everyone mourns differently. Some want to do it alone, some want the comfort of others. You have to do what feels right for you and there is no reason to worry how someone of such short acquaintance feels about it.
As for him being cold, take into consideration that it may be that he is uncomfortable with the circumstances. Some people get awkward about what to say or do around death. Sure, maybe he is irked that there isn't going to be a hook up, but just postponing a week for a death in the family wouldn't put off most people even if they just wanted sex. So wait and see how it goes if you really like him. Don't jump to conclusions.
Sorry for your loss. Everyone mourns differently. Some want to do it alone, some want the comfort of others. You have to do what feels right for you and there is no reason to worry how someone of such short acquaintance feels about it.
As for him being cold, take into consideration that it may be that he is uncomfortable with the circumstances. Some people get awkward about what to say or do around death. Sure, maybe he is irked that there isn't going to be a hook up, but just postponing a week for a death in the family wouldn't put off most people even if they just wanted sex. So wait and see how it goes if you really like him. Don't jump to conclusions.
Thank you all for the replies and condolences. I do appreciate it. This was shocking and unexpected news.
Thank you E Twist. Good points. I appreciate that.
I reread our texts and I think he was being as supportive as he could yesterday.
I do feel like it would be kinda unfair to him to lean on him for support at this time. That's more a boyfriend thing to do. He's not my boyfriend. Though he did offer and that was very sweet. He didn't have to offer.
I feel bad for what I said about him here last night. He didn't deserve that.
I think I just need to hole up and mourn. I think he understood. I need to handle my feelings on my own and get through this. This weekend I'll just remember my brother and process that loss.
Last edited by moongirl00; 04-24-2021 at 06:47 AM..
I think his offer to "talk' was just a veiled suggestion to hook up. That's pretty low.
I've just got no interest in that now. I'm in mourning. I don't think he gets it.
Good riddance, you are right. Empathy deficit ....you nailed it right there.
Better to find out sooner than later.
Thank you mlj and I very much agree.
Doesn't really matter whether he just wanted to hook up, or whether he was "offended" that you didn't want to take him up on his offer of support* (which, as I said, you're not obligated to do if you don't want to). Still a silly response on his part.
*Some people get offended if they offer support to someone and that person doesn't take it. Odd, but there you go. Sometimes people make helping a grieving person about what they want to offer rather than what the grieving person needs... usually they don't mean to, but still.
I really think in these times, that people havent been taught empathy and how to react to other people's emotions. I would take his reaction as simply not knowing how to react and not knowing what to do to be supportive. I know ignorance shouldnt be an excuse, but sometimes its all it is. Im not sure if I were you that Id worry about that for now. Do what you have to do to get yourself thru this emotional time, and hopefully you have others in your life you can lean on a bit.
Yeah, it's hard to know what to say in response to something like this. I doubt I'd have done better if he had canceled on me for a reason like this.
He did say he is here when I'm ready. Told me to be well
Not sure what else I expect. What do people say/do? I'm still going to feel bad no matter what. In a way I wish I had been able to accept his support but I just feel bad making him do that. It might have been just a polite token offer but not one he was hoping or thinking I'd accept. I do think I just need to be alone this weekend.
Please for the love of all that's holy, for once, no snarky, rude, off topic, catty comments etc. in my thread, this one time.
I had plans with the guy I've been seeing, for tomorrow. I was looking forward to it. Then I got a call from my mom. My brother died. I sat on this news for a bit. I thought of my plans tomorrow. I just lost interest. I'm more interested in staying home mourning the loss of my brother than seeing my love interrst.
I texted him to reschedule and told him why. He said sorry for my loss. He said we can still get together if I just want to talk about it. I said let's do it next weekend. He was like ok and went kinda cold after that.
My questions are:
Is having a death in the family a reason you would cancel a date, or would you go ahead if you truly felt close to the person?
Should I have accepted his offer to just "talk?"
Is it normal to want to mourn alone, or would most people want to mourn with their new love interest?
Is my love interest in the right to feel hurt if I canceled for this reason?
Am I rejecting his emotional support?
I feel bad about my brothers passing. I am grieving. I just don't know if I can be good company. What would you have done?
I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Grieving is a hurtful but healthy reaction to losing someone we love so dearly. Of course, there is no right or wrong way to mourn, so however you choose/need to deal with your loss is appropriate.
I see no reason why you would view his offer to talk as him being insincere and not having anything else to say. That was his emotional support offer and your response was appropriate for your needs.
Do you know whether your love interest is hurt because you cancelled to be alone or whether he is hurt because he knows you are hurting? Is it fair to him to assume he is hurt because you cancelled?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I fully endorse you canceling the date and being totally forthcoming about why. Then once you have dealt with the situation and the grief process you can make an informed decision about how he handled the news and if you feel like trying this out.
I want to bring something up that it seems that no one mentioned so far.
Is it possible that this "love interest" reacted the way he did ("went cold") because he felt unsure as to whether or not he was being 'blown off', and about to be ghosted?
Let's face it. When it comes to dating, dating these days is tough. Even though I've opted out of dating, it doesn't mean that I can't see what goes on. Ghosting is common. Rude behavior is common. And fear is also common. Our major form of communication seems to be leaning toward texting, and while texting is fine for some things, it's not for others.
The first thing I noticed is that the OP texted to her "love interest" that she had to cancel because of her brother's passing. I believe that was the first 'error'. Something as significant as a death warrants a phone call. But since that didn't happen, we're left with the texts.
The OP texted and received an appropriate response, which was, "Sorry for your loss". He then suggested that they could still get together if the OP wanted to talk about it. Now, the OP has mostly gushed about this guy. How respectful he's been...how he's invited her on a day trip...how he's sensitive to her C-PTSD, etc. Why is it that because he offered her a "shoulder", that he's seen as someone with a hidden agenda?
The OP turned him down and suggested tentative plans to get together the following weekend.
At this point, the love interest may be feeling like he's about to be ghosted. After all, the OP is 'using' the classic form of:
Texting the cancellation of a date at the last minute...
Declining an offer to get together to talk...
Making 'vague' plans for a future date.
The OP obviously is not at fault.
But the point is, quite often, we can take things to mean ONE thing, when they really mean another. We really can't jump to conclusions, which is WHY we communicate.
Someone mentioned 'empathy', and in general, a few seemed to expect HIM to have 'empathy' for HER.
But empathy is supposed to work both ways. After all, isn't it a two way street?
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