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My partner (M55) and I (F53) met 4 ½ years ago. After 3 month of dating I wanted to end the relationship as he hardly expressed any affection. He is very generous buy buying things, dinners and providing in general but he never looks into my eyes, ask questions, shows an interest in my work or projects, answers only with yes or no and doesn't strings more then four sentences together – and still doesn't when he is with me.
After the mentioned 3 month he told me when I wanted to break up with him that he would love me.
So I continued the relationship and thought that it was my fault when things weren't right.
There was an incident when he was starring at other women but never told me that he found me attractive, When I spoke to him about it he said that he always noticed other women and that he
wouldn't be with me if he wouldn't find me attractive.
Somehow I started to feel insecure and upset and it went so far that I went to my GP and got anti-depressions which had a kind of “kiss my a**” effect.
I had quite a few very unpleasant experiences in the past regarding unfaithfulness with previous partners, which also emotional and physically abused me.
Afterwards things developed positive and after 9 month we moved in together.
By then I told him about my life, at least most of it but stopped when he didn't shown an interest. He never told me anything about him out of himself but answered short when I asked. I still don't know much about him.
During that time I found out that he was quite a bit into pornography. I addressed it and explained that I can't except it and that our relationship is still young and we could go separate ways if needed.
He didn't want me to leave and promised he would step back from it. Half a year later, or so, I found out that he was reading on sex websites. When I confronted him he said that he wasn't aware reading on pornographic websites would be the same. I expressed my feelings again and mentioned I feel disrespected as he had broken his promise.
He said he now realises what kind of impact it has on me, that he is very sorry and it won't happen again.
Another year and a half went by and everything seemed to developed into a good relationship and haven't had another incident.
After 2 years we got engaged and he bought a house in a little village, a dream we both had.
I have to mention that he is working over seas, a few weeks home and nearly the same amount of time away.
Last summer I've seen on an online magazine app that he looked again at porno graphical magazines. Who is actually looking at magazines these day's when there are so many live websites?
I asked him about it after he returned from his work trip. He said that he needed something while he was away and an explanation followed another. I told him that I wouldn't get married if it doesn't stop. Also I have to mentioned that he looked at undressed women.
Suddenly he became a very loving, more then usual and a very caring partner and I was very happy and even haven't had any doubts. We were planning on getting married but Covid delayed it.
Now he is at work again, over seas and probably for another 10 days.
In the night from Saturday to Sunday I suddenly woke up, couldn't go back to sleep and started to read some craft magazines. The online magazine account is shared and synchronised. I found a hidden away magazine he just had downloaded and read -and this time it was pornography that only shows men.
I know I cant go on like this and feel extremely disappointed, hurt and sad and I would be very grateful for some advice how to handle this situation.
I can not just leave as I haven't got the financial backing and it have been 4 years of our lives. Also I haven't got really anybody to go to. It's not easy to just let go and meanwhile I'm asking myself if he might struggle with something far deeper.
Many thanks in advance and I hope everybody is well in these uncertain times!
Honestly? Start saving your pennies and form an exit plan. The whole notion of staying together because it's been four years is nonsense. Where do you want to be four years from now when it might be even more difficult to leave and rebuild a life for yourself? I'm sorry that you're struggling and that this relationship has been a disappointment to you, but this guy showed his true stripes from the beginning and you chose to ignore them.
What he struggles with is immaterial at this point and to stay is using your supposition is an excuse for poor behavior. He showed you who and what he is from the get-go, but you chose to stay with him and try to build a life with him (at nine months in and dosed with antidepressants in order to deal with him), so that part is on you. Own that and do your best to move forward from this relationship....or stay and enjoy the material comforts that he provides and ignore the porn use and general lack of interest he has in you as a person.
Everybody has really good points and I agree. Yes, I only can change myself but it's also difficult just to leave in the Covid situation as most of the surrounding support agency's are close.
I'm just hurt and very sad that my partner didn't lived up to his promises. Also I have to say, that I'm not a materialistic person at all, that I always hoped it would work out with him ....but now I have to live through the consequences and it's taff!!!
Seems to me you knew this was coming before getting engaged. By proceeding with the marriage you acknowledge a person with all his/her faults. They wouldn't be that person if it were not only for the things you desire but also all their faults and of course baggage. It isn't uncommon for people to expect others to change post marriage... but they rarely do.
So you are in a situation that many find themselves in after a few years of marriage. You either have to figure out how to make it work or you don't and leave.
It bothered you that he doesn't express himself the way you expect from your man. Not all people express their feelings the same way. Some do it through their by doing things for the ones they love but find it difficult to express it . Others say and express their love but their actions don't reflect it. Most are in the middle but are measured by expectations of their partner.
The first thought in my mind... have you tried to opening up your issues with him for discussion? Really talk.. .maybe a therapist in presence. Some start conversations about problems with a tone of accusation without knowing it. I'm not talking about yelling but how you approach the dialog. That's not a dialog... it goes no where. I didn't know it... until my therapist pointed it out. One of the major steps that improved my life. Seems to me your partner would be the type of person that would tell you whatever it takes to avoid such types of accusations.
Thank you also for your reply, it means a lot to me.
I tried talking to my Partner several times but he likes to avoid confrontation and turns the issues straight around. I tried talking in an assertive way, also wrote him a letter so that I was responding and just let the facts speak instead of my emotions. Didn't make any difference and he doesn't want to go counselling with me either.
I'm so upset as he knew from the beginning that it is a deal breaker, probably my fault as I thought we could work through the issue.
All the years he was aware of it and nearly a year now was everything fine and now this "surprise".... It really hurts.
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