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I agree I went about things ALL WRONG financially. I guess I’m learning the hard way.
When I moved in, she was very adamant about me paying half the bills...despite me already spending $1500+/month toward our food and entertainment. I probably should’ve demanded financial fairness at that point and seen how she responded. Heck, I probably shouldn’t have allowed myself to pay for all the food and entertainment without demanding some contribution if we were to continue doing those things.
But like I said, I was happy to have a companion — I just kept thinking she would realize how much easier I’ve made her life and some point start moving toward a more fair contribution. But it continued to seem like the more I did the more she took for granted. I was the one that had to pay the bills and also make sure money was put back for emergencies. Despite not contributing much and her still needing $3k to get her car out of repo...I was infuriated beyond belief and at that point started to realize she just had no sense about money.
There are more important things than an orgasm. Being in a two-way relationship that you actually feel good about is one of them.
She gets very defensive and mad when I bring it up. She got mad that I waited so long to say it was a problem. She said things like money doesn’t equal love but I tried explaining to her that a lot of the money spent is out of love in hopes of giving us a better life. Finally she gets really nasty sounding and says I’m gonna pay this and that so “you get your money.”
After she went of town hiking with a friend all day and night (didn’t tell me anything about it), I texted her and asked if she would be more comfortable with me staying at my parents. Instead of answering she just kept turning it on me saying saying that since I sound unhappy with her it would probably be better. I kept asking what do YOU want....finally she says maybe we need space to find ourselves and it would be better if I stayed there. I’m not sure what she wants or where she sees it going...says she needs time to sort out her mental health from all the stress I’ve put her through.
I don’t really like being at the house now with how she’s acting...distant, not talking, not texting. I actually feel less lonely staying at my parents but I know this can’t be a long term solution.
You offered to move out of the house that you pay for? Honestly, you sound like a doormat. There are people who will take advantage of people like you and that’s exactly what she’s doing.
Dude, it's YOUR house. Pack up her stuff and have it waiting for her when she gets back. Grow a spine and stop letting her walk all over you. This relationship is over.
Can't blame her for being upset that you were mad at her for three years and didn't tell her why.
No one forced you to continue going out to eat all the time and spend so much money on that.
Do you make a lot more money than she does now? It makes a difference.
She should have paid you back the money you loaned her for her car. Otherwise it's up to you two to agree on splitting bills. She pays for utilities and groceries. It's passive aggressive to complain the grocery bill is cheap, when you keep spending so much on going out. Eat at home more and food will cost more for her and less for you. If the house is owned by you she shouldn't be expected to pay for repairs.
Can't blame her for being upset that you were mad at her for three years and didn't tell her why.
No one forced you to continue going out to eat all the time and spend so much money on that.
Do you make a lot more money than she does now? It makes a difference.
She should have paid you back the money you loaned her for her car. Otherwise it's up to you two to agree on splitting bills. She pays for utilities and groceries. It's passive aggressive to complain the grocery bill is cheap, when you keep spending so much on going out. Eat at home more and food will cost more for her and less for you. If the house is owned by you she shouldn't be expected to pay for repairs.
I agree that I waited too long to voice what I viewed as a problem.
I agree no one forced me to go out to eat...it just became routine that if we were going to eat (always together) we would have to go get something. And when we did...I was always paying for both of us without it even being mentioned. Or if one of her friends invited to a nice restaurant...I’m paying. The same goes for anything we did for enjoyment...movies, beach, amusement park, etc — I’m paying.
As for groceries, she was supposed to buy groceries as a way of paying her part of the rent (I was thinking $500+ month). I originally wanted money but settled on groceries after no money came for months. Early in the relationship it was established that I couldn’t cook but she could and didn’t mind doing it....supposedly liked it even! However the amount of groceries would hover in the $100-200/month range (sometimes $0) with maybe spaghetti cooked once or twice per month. VERY typical (like 2-3x week) to not even have anything to drink...in which case I’d be sent to the gas station to buy a 2 liter and some snacks for us.
If the person who’s task is stocking groceries is also the one who cooks — us going out to eat 2-3x/day, never having groceries (often spoiled stuff) and rarely having food cooked feels like I’m being taken advantage of. It just does even though I’m not being forced at gun point to spend $1500+ eating out.
As for repairs to the house — if she’s not contributing toward the mortgage in a fair way or the food/entertainment....I felt like it was OUR responsibility. This is especially true for things we did to change the looks of the house to better suit our tastes.
1. Do not move out of YOUR house.
2. Tell her to move if she needs space
3. Do you want to continue a relationship with her? If so insist on Couples Counseling to help you talk to each other and break through the barriers. I do not have any hope for this working since it has festered for a long time.
Possible solution if you want to get rid of her without having to evict, sell the house and move back with your Parents till she wanders off to someone else who will pay the bills.
Learn to grocery shop and cook simple things... stop going to restaurants
It sounds like there were/are bigger problems in the relationship than finances. You needed to have a lot of serious conversations about each of your responsibilities. She sounds like a slacker.
First I want to say that I’m in the emotional low point of my life right now...I’m so sad and heartbroken.
I’m 36 and my GF is 31. About 3 years ago I met her and fell in love with her. She is the first woman I ever loved to this degree and I was about 6 months out of my previous relationship. For whatever reasons I don’t have many friends or anything, but companionship is something I yearn for.
In the beginning when I met her she was struggling financially...after paying bills she barely had enough left over to eat. I thought whatever...her ex left her in a bad spot and she soldiered on and was making a way for herself. I respected that.
Well, I was in a better financial position. I was in a better financial position so the routine quickly became me paying for all of our dates. And we went out A LOT...it was great because I finally had someone to spend all my time with. For the first 6 months I would say we averaged $1500/month on eating out (twice a day sometimes) and entertainment. But like I said, I had some extra money as a single 33 year old who was always financially prudent. I just kinda said oh well. It sorta became routine for us for to go eat or do stuff...to the point where she didn’t say thank you and I didn’t really expect it.
Fast forward 6 months and I was basically staying at her house so much that I moved in. She quickly let me know that I should pay half the rent since I had basically moved a month prior to that. I said sure that is definitely fair. So I gave her $700/month to cover half of the rent and utilities.
Now...about 6 months after this the landlord decided to sell the home so after looking at much more nicer yet more expensive homes to buy for us to live in, I worked out a deal to buy the rental home we were already living in. The mortgage/tax/insurance is around $1500/month. I really wanted her to pay some on this but she never did...after trying to bring it up several times I eventually settled on something like she would for groceries. She did continue paying the utilities at $400/month since they were already in her name.
Well — months go by and she maybe spends $200/month on groceries...this is because we simply continued our ways of eating out and whatnot at $1500/month. The house also needed some repairs so I paid for 90% of those. A few times she did buy things for the home...like she spend $500 one time for new countertops and a sink. However, I paid to fix the roof ($3,000) and several other big repairs.
Things were going well in the relationship though. I felt we were in love. Then about 1.5 years in somehow she missed a payment on her car loan and her car got repossessed. She desperately needed $3,000 to get it back. I begrudgingly agreed to loan her the money. She was going to pay me back $200 or $300 per month until it was paid back. This lasted about 3 months.
At this point we are close to 2 years in and I guess we were coming out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship and I was really starting to add up everything I was putting into the relationship financially. I felt like she was taking it all for granted. But I never said anything directly about it. However, it did cause me A LOT of emotional distress which I often took out on her by treating her badly...verbally and emotionally. At this point I’m kicking myself for not just coming out back then and telling her the real reason for my anger.
Regardless, we are now at year 3 and after many fights stemming from my depression, I have now told her that the last 3 years I have felt like she took advantage of me which for me caused 90% of my mistreatment of her the last year. She got VERY defensive about me laying this on her and quickly started trying to rattle off things she has done for me. She now says she needs some space to sort out her feelings and the anguish I’ve caused her. I did say some really mean things but somehow we always used to work it out and get back to normal.
I know I did mistreat her (never physically) but I did it because I wasn’t man enough to step up and say **I** felt taken advantage of. Now I feel like I’m losing someone I really did love and I will be back to how it was before...alone.
My lesson I guess...don’t be so desperate for love that you will allow yourself to feel taken advantage of. And don’t try to bury those feelings just to have someone because they WILL manifest in some way...for me it was depression which led to not treating my partner well verbally and emotionally.
But am I totally the bad guy here like she is saying?
You didn't mistreat her because you felt taken advantage of. You knew the deal with her from day one.
Imo you mistreated her because you could. She was in a vulnerable state and you smelled blood. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just because you are ”distressed” does not mean you are justified to treat others badly. Particularly someone who is financially dependent on you. What's wrong with you dude?
You are an abuser. Read my lips....an ABUSER.
The correct thing to do would have been to say ”I feel taken advantage of. This situation isn't working. Move out.” Then assist her with, say, a ticket to her parents house, drop her off at a shelter, pay a week for her at a motel room, etc. You don't just use her as your emotional punching bag just because she has nowhere else to go....like dude!?
She didn't take advantage of you dude. She earned her keep by taking your abuse. Her emotional scars will take years to get over.
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