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I agree I went about things ALL WRONG financially. I guess I’m learning the hard way.
When I moved in, she was very adamant about me paying half the bills...despite me already spending $1500+/month toward our food and entertainment. I probably should’ve demanded financial fairness at that point and seen how she responded. Heck, I probably shouldn’t have allowed myself to pay for all the food and entertainment without demanding some contribution if we were to continue doing those things.
But like I said, I was happy to have a companion — I just kept thinking she would realize how much easier I’ve made her life and some point start moving toward a more fair contribution. But it continued to seem like the more I did the more she took for granted. I was the one that had to pay the bills and also make sure money was put back for emergencies. Despite not contributing much and her still needing $3k to get her car out of repo...I was infuriated beyond belief and at that point started to realize she just had no sense about money.
I think you are/were afraid that if you demanded more fairness that she would dump you. The one who is willing to walk away is the one with all the power. You're the desperate one. That means you're in a position of no power. Fix the desperation and you fix the problem. But that will require some inner work on your part.
And by now you should know that people don't appeciate what comes easy, especially when they've had it that way all along. It's not the way our brains are wired. It's doubly true with entitlted pricesses like this girl.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 05-09-2021 at 10:52 PM..
You didn't mistreat her because you felt taken advantage of. You knew the deal with her from day one.
Imo you mistreated her because you could. She was in a vulnerable state and you smelled blood. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Just because you are ”distressed” does not mean you are justified to treat others badly. Particularly someone who is financially dependent on you. What's wrong with you dude?
You are an abuser. Read my lips....an ABUSER.
The correct thing to do would have been to say ”I feel taken advantage of. This situation isn't working. Move out.” Then assist her with, say, a ticket to her parents house, drop her off at a shelter, pay a week for her at a motel room, etc. You don't just use her as your emotional punching bag just because she has nowhere else to go....like dude!?
She didn't take advantage of you dude. She earned her keep by taking your abuse. Her emotional scars will take years to get over.
This couldn’t be farther from the truth. She works a full time job and has always been adamant that she can make it on her own if she needs to...just as she did for 4-5 months between her ex and me. I’ve been told this a lot. Probably out of fear of being alone I just never pressed the issue that....hellloooo...I’m paying 95% of our living expenses.
Anytime I bring up financial irresponsibility she is quick to say with a somewhat rude tone “you forget that I made it just fine on my own before you...I know how to budget money”.
Last edited by Pleasedontreuse; 05-09-2021 at 11:38 PM..
I think you are/were afraid that if you demanded more fairness that she would dump you. The one who is willing to walk away is the one with all the power. You're the desperate one. That means you're in a position of no power. Fix the desperation and you fix the problem. But that will require some inner work on your part.
And by now you should know that people don't appeciate what comes easy, especially when they've had it that way all along. It's not the way our brains are wired. It's doubly true with entitlted pricesses like this girl.
Her mother married a PA about 3 years ago and doesn’t work (or that last ~10 years)...her sister started having children early, never worked and has always just had her husband do the money making (and she’s one of those never satisfied with their material possessions). I’ve often wondered if she is angling to have me fill that “sole income source” role.
And you’re right — I should have never “figured” giving someone an easier existence would be appreciated. I also “figured” that by me paying so much she would let me show her ways to save and invest the surplus she should have...but she simply isn’t interested. She is used to living paycheck to paycheck and it’s like she’s too stubborn to let someone teach her a different way of living so things like needing $3k for repo don’t come up.
I didn’t mention it but I’m embarrassed to say that she also charged like $1500 on my credit card. I made her an authorized user so she could get one with her name on it and maybe help her credit score. I don’t carry credit card debt but I left that money on there hoping she would pay it off...but she ended up making the minimum ~$30 payment 3-4 times and then essentially forgot about it from what I could conclude. So I had to freeze her credit card because she was still charging food on break at work and the interest was piling up.
I think you have to look at yourself and fix the source of the desperation. The financially abusive girlfriend is just the symptom.
Very true. The woman is a symptom, not the source of the problem. This need to buy someone else's love usually comes from a place where you think you aren't enough on your own without the money. This is a codependent relationship where you put yourself in the position to continually need to rescue her. Making a woman dependent on you isn't love.
So you set a precedent from the very beginning that you were bankrolling your relationship, and you were too afraid to have a grown-up conversation about money and division of labor and division of expenses. Perhaps your girlfriend took advantage of the situation, but it sounds like you expected her to read your mind. She didn't have any idea of your expectations or your feelings until you blew up at her. That's not fair. Either talk to her directly and lay out a plan, see a counselor, or break up with her.
Is it possible that your gf has an addiction problem? (drugs, alcohol, gambling) This just seems like a lot of financial irresponsibility. I don't know anyone who has had their car repo'd for missing one car payment. Usually that takes a record of missed payments.
Otherwise, I completely agree with most of the other comments.
So you set a precedent from the very beginning that you were bankrolling your relationship, and you were too afraid to have a grown-up conversation about money and division of labor and division of expenses. Perhaps your girlfriend took advantage of the situation, but it sounds like you expected her to read your mind. She didn't have any idea of your expectations or your feelings until you blew up at her. That's not fair. Either talk to her directly and lay out a plan, see a counselor, or break up with her.
well she texted me today saying stuff like this which really irks me after confronting her about money...
“being a man and providing is what you don’t like I want”
“That’s how I was raised men are supposed to take care of women”
I’m having a hard time reconciling what this means about how she’s always felt. It feels like she saying yeah, you did those things but that was just your job in order to have me emotionally available to you. I feel sad.
Very true. The woman is a symptom, not the source of the problem. This need to buy someone else's love usually comes from a place where you think you aren't enough on your own without the money. This is a codependent relationship where you put yourself in the position to continually need to rescue her. Making a woman dependent on you isn't love.
Her mother married a PA about 3 years ago and doesn’t work (or that last ~10 years)...her sister started having children early, never worked and has always just had her husband do the money making (and she’s one of those never satisfied with their material possessions). I’ve often wondered if she is angling to have me fill that “sole income source” role.
It sure looks that way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pleasedontreuse
And you’re right — I should have never “figured” giving someone an easier existence would be appreciated.
Well at least you're admitting it. That's half the battle.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pleasedontreuse
I also “figured” that by me paying so much she would let me show her ways to save and invest the
surplus she should have...but she simply isn’t interested.
Yeah, if you're a saver/investor type, you can't believe other people aren't interested in such things. Take it from someone who beat their head against that wall for way too long: There are A LOT of people out there, and even a surprisingly high percentage who earn good incomes, who are not interested in saving and investing and never will be. The light bulb never goes off for them no matter what you say or do. They may complain about lack of money or the unfairness of the world and all that, but they never examine their own spending patterns. They want a better outcome without doing anything different. I have seen this happen ALL THE TIME in real life as well as on CD.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pleasedontreuse
She is used to living paycheck to paycheck and it’s like she’s too stubborn to let someone teach her a different way of living so things like needing $3k for repo don’t come up.
Right. And some people go through their whole lives that way. It's crazy, but not uncommon.
It's a longshot, but changing your approach might be helpful. However, it may well prove to be useful in future relationships. Money people like you enjoy talking about money directly. But for other people, you have to talk about it indirectly. You have to ask them what their hopes and dreams are 1, 2, 5, 10 years down the line. Where do they see themselves? What do they want to do? Can they imagine what their lives would be like if they didn't have any debt payments or car repos? What could they do If they could live 6 months or a year without a paycheck? What would life be like if they didn't have to work for money? That's what you need to tap into.
It sounds like this woman just wants to use your paycheck to fund most of her lifestyle and doesn't want to change that. It sounds like her pattern is to find a man to do these things for her, as evidenced by her mother and sister. She doesn't sound interested in being actively involved in planning life goals.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pleasedontreuse
I didn’t mention it but I’m embarrassed to say that she also charged like $1500 on my credit card. I made her an authorized user so she could get one with her name on it and maybe help her credit score. I don’t carry credit card debt but I left that money on there hoping she would pay it off...but she ended up making the minimum ~$30 payment 3-4 times and then essentially forgot about it from what I could conclude. So I had to freeze her credit card because she was still charging food on break at work and the interest was piling up.
Ok, well it's just more of the same. She wants to spend money as she pleases and she wants you to take care of it. You're either good with that or you're not. Trying to mold her into the person you want her to be because you're lonely or afraid you won't be able to find another gf isn't going to work. I'd try the "hopes and dreams" conversation with her, but if that doesn't work (and I suspect it won't). If you don't like her answer, then time to move on.
Last edited by mysticaltyger; 05-10-2021 at 12:00 PM..
well she texted me today saying stuff like this which really irks me after confronting her about money...
“being a man and providing is what you don’t like I want”
“That’s how I was raised men are supposed to take care of women”
I’m having a hard time reconciling what this means about how she’s always felt. It feels like she saying yeah, you did those things but that was just your job in order to have me emotionally available to you. I feel sad.
It is something to be sad about. She is using you for what you are providing materially. If you change the terms of your arrangement and insist she pay a reasonable amount towards the house/food/etc then she will no longer be a part of your life. Even if you come to an agreement, you know she will not fulfill her part of the bargain.
To keep her part of your life you are going to be continuing to pay for the companionship. Is that what you really want? Is she worth it?
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