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Old 05-15-2008, 06:14 PM
 
Location: CITY OF ANGELS AND CONSTANT DANGER
5,408 posts, read 12,626,068 times
Reputation: 2269

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its funny that i thought you were describing an 80 YO individual. well not so much funny as it is scary. i feel for you. you have a great heart. and i agree with scorpy. I am in a similar situation. before i knew it my house was crammed with cousins, visiting relatives and a lovely yet loony old aunt.

It got hard towards the end with my great aunt, but i appreciate the experiences that we all shared as a family. it is easy to enjoy the good times together, but not so much when the road gets bumpy.

you are a very caring individual and your wife appreciates you for such. its hard, but imagine how grama might feel. she might already think shes a burden, putting her out might be worse.
if your kids are old enough, let them help out grams. like a psuedo candy stipper if you will. it takes sacrifice, but it will be worth it.

another friend of mine had to build out a small house in order to accomodate an alzheimers elderly parent. this is a bit drastic, but it was necessary. is there a garage you can convert into a teen space for the girls?

before kickin mom to the convalescent curb, talk it out and try to keep it together. your kids will love you for it and in turn do the same for you when the time comes.

good luck
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Old 05-15-2008, 07:31 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,697,572 times
Reputation: 1858
YOu & your wife have big hearts to help out your mother in law as much as you do. I have no answers with regards to long term care for her. All I could suggest is to take yourselves out of the situation for at least a few hours: could you and your wife go out once a week alone? Kind of like a date where there are no kiddos, no inlaws, just enjoyment of each other.
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Old 05-15-2008, 08:54 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,432 posts, read 34,233,046 times
Reputation: 19814
My Grandmother lived with us for several years. It drove my Dad nuts, but he never said a word. Just went outside and gardened... did whatever.

She drove my mom nuts. She drove me nuts, as a teenager. I had to cook her food and clean her clothes and change her sheets...

She always complained about everything. Every single thing in the world.

I sound very negative right now, don't I?

My parents moved Grandma in with us because my mothers sister and her husband were in marital distress over her living with them.

I had my son when I was twenty, and my fathers helath took a turn. He had cancer. Then the quad bypass. He had colon cancer and they removed a section of his colon. When they did the bypass, they found that his body was full of lymphoma.

Those years caring for my Grandma were trying for me. But as one of those above posters mentioned, lessons learned.

When I was a teenager, I had to learn how to take care of my Grandma and all of her needs.

My father died when my little boy was nine months old. He died when I was 21. But before then, I cared for him. For a good while, I was his caregiver. medicine, food, clothing, bathing, everything.

Now, had I not cared for Grandma, I would not have been prepared for this turn life threw in my direction, and I cared for my Dad until the day before he passed. The morning he passed, in the hospital, I was at his side.

The er dr told me the night before that there is no way I could go on taking care of him. He would have to go into a nursing home. I told that dr that I would never put him there. We were both right. I never put him in a nursing home, and I was not able to care for him anymore, because the next morning, my father left this world.

Not three years later, my mother grew ill. Cancer. Again. Devastating. This time, I had my son and my daughter, my husband and my grandmother... my mother. It was not easy.

But in caring for my Grandma all of these years, and then my Dad.... lessons learned.

I was being prepared for the hardest task of all.. caring for my mom, who finally left me on December 24, 2000.

It was terrible. But none of these things, now would I ever go back and change, or take back.

It all happened for a reason... when it was supposed to happen, how it was supposed to happen.

I learned how to care. When I was a early teen.. I did not care.

I learned though...

Now, I am a single mother, with all of this 'caring' exp, and here I am.. doing just fine for the most part... the best I can, anyway.... hard, without there being another parent, another someone to be with.... but I am doing it... and all, I think from the lessons learned in my life....
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Old 05-16-2008, 12:29 PM
 
Location: West Texas
2,449 posts, read 5,931,438 times
Reputation: 3125
Quote:
Originally Posted by therewego View Post
YOu & your wife have big hearts to help out your mother in law as much as you do. I have no answers with regards to long term care for her. All I could suggest is to take yourselves out of the situation for at least a few hours: could you and your wife go out once a week alone? Kind of like a date where there are no kiddos, no inlaws, just enjoyment of each other.
We try to... but then we feel guilty that we're not spending time with the kids either. They are great kids (if I can get my dang son to get his darn grades up!!!), and they deserve much, too.

Again, I appreciate all the support. I know there is no answer, not really sure I expected one. Just nice to know we're not alone in the world sometimes if y'all know what I'm saying?

Thanks again, everyone.
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Old 05-16-2008, 12:50 PM
 
Location: lumberton, texas
652 posts, read 2,658,447 times
Reputation: 259
Not sure if this will help, but....

My grandmother moved in with my Aunt yrs ago. we (brother and I) helped to turn the garage into a "MIL suite". She had her own space but was close to everyone and got what she needed. they moved to texas and bought a large dbl wide trailer and then got my grandma her own single wide right next to theirs. Point of this is that they are able to take care of her, have card games and be available at a moments notice. workes well for all.

My DH and I just moved my MIL here to texas from FL. Thank goodness she has assisted living ins. That is certainly a life saver. It was not an easy decision where to put her, but I checked out every place within a 30 min drive. dropped in day and night and talked to many residents. She really likes it there. Has her independence, but also has us at a moments notice. I take her to most drs appts even though I dont have to and go by and see her at least once a week. She is able to come and go as she wants so I'll also pick her up to watch the grandkids do different things. Just because someone goes in a "home" does not mean that they wont be a part of your life.
Just my 2 cents
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Old 05-16-2008, 01:05 PM
 
Location: West Texas
2,449 posts, read 5,931,438 times
Reputation: 3125
Quote:
Originally Posted by emailvasally View Post
My DH and I just moved ...
DH? Sorry... as you can tell I'm new to posts. Dependent Husband? Dear Husband? Deadly Headache?!? lol
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Old 05-16-2008, 02:11 PM
 
Location: lumberton, texas
652 posts, read 2,658,447 times
Reputation: 259
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rathagos View Post
DH? Sorry... as you can tell I'm new to posts. Dependent Husband? Dear Husband? Deadly Headache?!? lol
darling husband dear husband something like that
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Old 05-17-2008, 08:23 PM
 
Location: Maine
18 posts, read 39,959 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rathagos View Post
Don't know if this really falls under relationships as I've been reading all the posts in here.. but because it does affect my relationship, I'm hoping for some answers.

About 4 years ago I met a wonderful woman and about 3 years ago we were married. We both had previous relationships (she was married and has custody of her daughter, and I was married (recently divorced) and my 3 kids lived with their mom. When we got married, she and her daughter moved into my house (of course) and her mom who was ailing physically moved in as well. Three years later some things have changed:

After 1 year of living with his mom, my son decided he wanted to come back and live with me. He's been with me the last two years. Just last year, my daughter decided she wanted to come back and live with me. Now, I live in a 4 bedroom house with my wife and I in one room, the two girls (15 and 11) in another, my son (16) in the third, and the mother-in-law in the 4th. But because the kids are all adolescent, the house seems to be incredibly small (it is only 1600 sqft).

Sorry for the history, but I thought it important to lead into the problem. Her mother had a stroke about 5 years ago, and her mental faculties have slowly been devolving. It's not like she's becoming a child, but she says and does things apparently without thinking about it (when I tell the kids it's okay to go out and play, she might tell them it's too cold). We've tried talking to her about letting us be the parents, but it's just not sinking in.

Since her health is bad (she needs a knee replacement, but can't get that until she get's a shoulder replacement, but can't get that because the doctors think she won't survive because of her COPD heart issues and lung problems (she's on breathing treatments after years of smoking), as well as arthritis. She's only 58, but can't get around too well, and we definitely don't think she can take care of herself.

Part of the problem is that I told my wife that I support any choice she makes and would never initiate the converstation of "kicking her mom out." She has brought it up because her relationship with her mom is deteriorating, and it's adding severe stress on our lives as well. We have enough problems with her and I working full time, and trying to guide the lives of our children (where my son works but doesn't drive yet, my daughter's choir concerts, my son's orchestra concerts, and the youngest girls basketball games and practices). The effect her mom has on trying to run the house around us has also taken a toll on our relationship. My wife knows I am as frustrated as she is, but that bringing it up will do no good because there's nothing she or I can do about it, and she's frustrated too.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm hoping for options. We've looked into help-assisted housing, but they won't take her until she's 62 (insurance purposes). She can't move into a place by herself. All the other places that will take her run between $1800 and up depending (which we can't afford). She draws disability, but it's only about $800/mo. My wife's father is passed away, and all the other family won't do anything to help.

We live in Texas... any advice to help ease the stress in our marriage is greatly appreciated (and yes, I've even started going to a gym to relieve stress (not that I can't use the exercise too!)
That is a tough situation. When i was 16 my mom's mother moved in
with us.Same thing...she had had a stroke as well.I loved my grandmother,but she was not the same after the stroke. Many times
she would act like a child and pick fights with my brother and i. She
had had 2 strokes. many times she didn't know who was who. Same deal
as with your family...no one ealse from my mom's family helped....out of the five other sibilings. They didn't even come visit there own mother. My parents fought all the time. I do think they did the right thing by moving
her in...even though it was tough for everyone it was the right thing to
do.
I think it's great that you have done the same. No mater how you slice it
it's tough. I can't imagion how hard that is for the roles of the parents..I'm sure you and your wife can't help but feel torn,between caring for the your wifes mom ,and caring for your children.For me being..at the time the 16
your old living in that situation,although lot's of stress I really looked
up to my parents for taking that on...as I'm sure you children will as well.
As far as your wives mother runing the house..do you think it's something
she's doing to upset everyone....I know many people are never the same
after a stroke...memory etc.If she was used to running her own house ,then
I'm sure she's a bit lost with what to do in yours.......and some parents
no mater how old there kids are....they'll still always be kids.It could be
she uneasy not being in her own home..so she's trying to keep busy..what ealse could she do to keep busy...I guess would be the question.
For the marriage maybe you two if possiable could get out and a way
for a bit.In that kind of situation anyone would have to take some kind
of break.maybe your kids could stay with her.Some states have different
respite homes were a person,say her mom just stays for a weekend..when ya need a break.It may be this way for a while,but it won't be like this forever.
Hang in there ! your both a good role model for your kids taking this on..... flower girl
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Old 05-17-2008, 08:36 PM
 
Location: Maine
18 posts, read 39,959 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rathagos View Post
Thank you all for your replies. It's always nice to know there's others out there to talk to. Although I know that no solid solutions have occured yet, I guess I was hoping for more help in the area of expanding her outwards (read: move her to a home that can provide assistance). Maybe someone knew of a place that takes people that you can trust. I refuse to just "drop" her at a place for MY convenience, regardless of the care she would get. Any facility we would move her to that doesn't take her insurance would be a financial burden we just can't incur right now.

Again, thank you all for replying thus far.
Does her mother want to go into a nursing home ?
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Old 05-17-2008, 10:27 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,672 posts, read 22,215,853 times
Reputation: 21364
My suggestion would be for you and your wife to get in contact with a local social worker. Maybe one at a local hospital. (Even if your mother in law has not been hospitalized, it is likely they would be willing to provide you with some general information. Some years ago, I worked in social services doing hospital discharge planning. I don't know the resources in your area for seniors or those needing help, but these people very likely will. Just call and ask for their social services dept. Even if it's just help during the day or whatever, they may know of something that you would not otherwise be aware.

Prayers for you and your family. Wishing all of you the best! ((hugs))
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