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I have gone off these sites several times but every once in a blue moon though, I really crave physical intimacy and I figure, maybe I can find someone for casual fun, if not a relationship by going back on the site, usually POF. I'd like a relationship but I have no optimism the likes of POF will get me one. Going on POF, I figure I'm just settling for sex. But the annoying gushing of compliments makes a guy feel slimy to me. Why not just some normal conversation like "Hi, how's it going?" or "I see you like hockey. What's your favourite team?" Instead all I get is gushy compliments or straight-on sexual requests such as "I would love to bang you from behind" which is also what I got sent the other day.
Before anyone says anything about it...
Yes, even if a woman is interested in casual sex, we still want to be treated like a human being. This is one of those "porn has taught ya'll some really unhelpful things" areas.
To a lot of us (to me at least and it sounds like you, too) "casual" doesn't mean zero connection. It means no pressure for things like exclusivity, commitment, or longevity to the connection...but it doesn't mean we don't want conversation, maybe eating together or sleeping over or watching something or snuggling.
And this is part of why I get a bit annoyed with the "legislation of feelings" approach or these scenarios where people go into a new connection with a stranger with a fence around the situation built out of strict expectations. Whether that is "I want a wife and only a wife, we just met but I'm trying to see if you fit the cutout template in my mind" or "this is casual so we should not like each other even, no feels allowed!"
It's hard for me to describe how liberating and beautiful it felt to just meet other people, with an open mind about what could evolve between us and no pressure to make it fit one thing or another. For a while, doing the sex stuff with someone because it was fun and we were enjoying it, but in time realizing that we wanted to sit up all night talking even more, and eventually evolving to friendship and still feeling very close and fond...it felt so natural. No one was all spun up or freaked out about anything. No one had to clutch anyone close or push them away. We could just chill out and enjoy life.
And I guess that's where I come from when I consider what some folks are trying to do, like...I respect that someone might want something different from what I did at whatever point... I just kinda wish everyone got to experience a happier, easier, go with the flow kind of relating. It's really nice.
Yes, even if a woman is interested in casual sex, we still want to be treated like a human being. This is one of those "porn has taught ya'll some really unhelpful things" areas.
To a lot of us (to me at least and it sounds like you, too) "casual" doesn't mean zero connection. It means no pressure for things like exclusivity, commitment, or longevity to the connection...but it doesn't mean we don't want conversation, maybe eating together or sleeping over or watching something or snuggling.
And this is part of why I get a bit annoyed with the "legislation of feelings" approach or these scenarios where people go into a new connection with a stranger with a fence around the situation built out of strict expectations. Whether that is "I want a wife and only a wife, we just met but I'm trying to see if you fit the cutout template in my mind" or "this is casual so we should not like each other even, no feels allowed!"
It's hard for me to describe how liberating and beautiful it felt to just meet other people, with an open mind about what could evolve between us and no pressure to make it fit one thing or another. For a while, doing the sex stuff with someone because it was fun and we were enjoying it, but in time realizing that we wanted to sit up all night talking even more, and eventually evolving to friendship and still feeling very close and fond...it felt so natural. No one was all spun up or freaked out about anything. No one had to clutch anyone close or push them away. We could just chill out and enjoy life.
And I guess that's where I come from when I consider what some folks are trying to do, like...I respect that someone might want something different from what I did at whatever point... I just kinda wish everyone got to experience a happier, easier, go with the flow kind of relating. It's really nice.
I can - and have done - the whole conversation, eating, watching movies while snuggling on the sofa, etc. bit BUT WITHOUT the carnality. To me, that would wreck everything... that, for me, is 'reserved' for commitment only and nothing less. I have ended things with people over it and I will continue to do so.
Like I've said... if you do not want me romantically and won't commit to me then you definitely do not deserve me sexually.
I don't grant 'friends' access to my 'assets'... and if someone cannot/will not respect MY boundaries then they are no 'friend' of mine anyway. Off they go!
Yes, even if a woman is interested in casual sex, we still want to be treated like a human being. This is one of those "porn has taught ya'll some really unhelpful things" areas.
To a lot of us (to me at least and it sounds like you, too) "casual" doesn't mean zero connection. It means no pressure for things like exclusivity, commitment, or longevity to the connection...but it doesn't mean we don't want conversation, maybe eating together or sleeping over or watching something or snuggling.
And this is part of why I get a bit annoyed with the "legislation of feelings" approach or these scenarios where people go into a new connection with a stranger with a fence around the situation built out of strict expectations. Whether that is "I want a wife and only a wife, we just met but I'm trying to see if you fit the cutout template in my mind" or "this is casual so we should not like each other even, no feels allowed!"
It's hard for me to describe how liberating and beautiful it felt to just meet other people, with an open mind about what could evolve between us and no pressure to make it fit one thing or another. For a while, doing the sex stuff with someone because it was fun and we were enjoying it, but in time realizing that we wanted to sit up all night talking even more, and eventually evolving to friendship and still feeling very close and fond...it felt so natural. No one was all spun up or freaked out about anything. No one had to clutch anyone close or push them away. We could just chill out and enjoy life.
And I guess that's where I come from when I consider what some folks are trying to do, like...I respect that someone might want something different from what I did at whatever point... I just kinda wish everyone got to experience a happier, easier, go with the flow kind of relating. It's really nice.
That's exactly how I feel. I will say, I am a woman who really enjoys sex and I don't want my 30s to go by without it. I would love a relationship but am not going to wait around for it and live a sexless existence. Don't get me wrong. I actually haven't slept around a whole lot. Until I was 34, I'd only ever been with 2 men. That's it. But from age 34.to age 38, I was with 7 men. And a couple of those I really enjoyed because I got some really good experiences out of it
Like I said in another thread, I'm more cynical now about the possibility of a real relationship. I spent too much time on OLD and real life presents no opportunities so that's that. So I no longer go on OLD thinking I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams. Just a potential friend/sex partner. Get together a few or more times to do it, accompanied by cuddles and conversations. A session that is enough to satisfy and make me happy for a couple months.
Last edited by PassionateNortherner; 01-09-2022 at 02:06 PM..
I can - and have done - the whole conversation, eating, watching movies while snuggling on the sofa, etc. bit BUT WITHOUT the carnality. To me, that would wreck everything... that, for me, is 'reserved' for commitment only and nothing less. I have ended things with people over it and I will continue to do so.
Like I've said... if you do not want me romantically and won't commit to me then you definitely do not deserve me sexually.
I don't grant 'friends' access to my 'assets'... and if someone cannot/will not respect MY boundaries then they are no 'friend' of mine anyway. Off they go!
I know. You have explained your position on this.
And I really don't see any issue with it, other than to ask if you communicate these boundaries to women that you may meet in dating contexts, or do you assume that they should mind read you on this and then judge them when they don't?
Because really I think that a lot of women would not have a problem with this. But we're in a minefield of trying to work out what in the heck men want that we do on dates with. We get a TON of conflicting information and there's a lot of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" in just about any woman's dating experience.
If you genuinely want a partner on the terms that you have described here, then I do hope you communicate your expectations clearly up front.
If your approach is, instead, to load up your judgment cannons and wait in ambush for your date to express any kind of physicality toward you too early so that you can blast her and strut off feeling vindicated... Then I'd argue that there might be some impulse to a vague "revenge against women" or "Ha! Now I have the upper hand!" game going on, which... Well, you do you. I'm sure they move on fine without ya. But at some point claiming that doing something like that was a good faith effort to find a partner, is pretty disingenuous.
I know at one point you expressed that if only the whole world did things your way, then everything would be so much better. But join the club, man. That's not a realistic expectation for anybody to have.
QUOTE=Sonic_Spork;62668739]I know. You have explained your position on this.
Yep. Sure have.
And I really don't see any issue with it, other than to ask if you communicate these boundaries to women that you may meet in dating contexts, or do you assume that they should mind read you on this and then judge them when they don't?
I don't assume anything... but neither should they. Comes out in conversation if things are headed that way.
Because really I think that a lot of women would not have a problem with this. But we're in a minefield of trying to work out what in the heck men want that we do on dates with. We get a TON of conflicting information and there's a lot of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" in just about any woman's dating experience.
That's why we talk, we conmunicate. With me, no conflicts. With me, you'll know - either verbally or otherwise. Massaging my thighs while we're sitting in an auditorium *supposedly* watching a picture or unzipping me while I'm driving - yes, those have happened to me - are things that I don't 'greenlight' on a date. You know, consent and all. Shouldn't ever do the 2nd thing anyway - not safe - but I digress.
If you genuinely want a partner on the terms that you have described here, then I do hope you communicate your expectations clearly up front.
In my experience, it is quite rare to have to do that, as the majority of people I have dated, had r/s with, etc. were on my same page. There were a handful of exceptions, but overall the people that chose me 'knew the deal' as they felt the same.
If your approach is, instead, to load up your judgment cannons and wait in ambush for your date to express any kind of physicality toward you too early so that you can blast her and strut off feeling vindicated... Then I'd argue that there might be some impulse to a vague "revenge against women" or "Ha! Now I have the upper hand!" game going on, which... Well, you do you. I'm sure they move on fine without ya. But at some point claiming that doing something like that was a good faith effort to find a partner, is pretty disingenuous.
Nope, nope, nope... absolutely not. Haughty petulance is not my 'style', sorry. Sounds highly immature and I don't subscribe to that 'revenge' crap anyway - I'm not to be confused with the 'loser' guys who engage in that.
Not sure what prompted you to think that, unless you've been on the receiving end of such behavior.
I know at one point you expressed that if only the whole world did things your way, then everything would be so much better. But join the club, man. That's not a realistic expectation for anybody to have.
Was I drinking at the time??? LOL...
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Last edited by Euskalherria; 01-09-2022 at 03:39 PM..
That's exactly how I feel. I will say, I am a woman who really enjoys sex and I don't want my 30s to go by without it. I would love a relationship but am not going to wait around for it and live a sexless existence. Don't get me wrong. I actually haven't slept around a whole lot. Until I was 34, I'd only ever been with 2 men. That's it. But from age 34.to age 38, I was with 7 men. And a couple of those I really enjoyed because I got some really good experiences out of it
Like I said in another thread, I'm more cynical now about the possibility of a real relationship. I spent too much time on OLD and real life presents no opportunities so that's that. So I no longer go on OLD thinking I'm gonna meet the man of my dreams. Just a potential friend/sex partner. Get together a few or more times to do it, accompanied by cuddles and conversations. A session that is enough to satisfy and make me happy for a couple months.
So 'use 'em and ditch 'em', right?
Then again... they are allowing themselves to be 'used and ditched'. Takes two to tango and all.
I dunno. I guess I am just 'wired' differently. I cannot fathom allowing someone to use me and then toss me out with the trash the next day (or whenever).
Then again... they are allowing themselves to be 'used and ditched'. Takes two to tango and all.
I dunno. I guess I am just 'wired' differently. I cannot fathom allowing someone to use me and then toss me out with the trash the next day (or whenever).
No, I don't "ditch" guys as you say. 2 of the guys I was just not into, though I tried. I think both were looking at me as someone with relationship potential but I was not into them at all. 1 guy I got together with several times, only to receive a Facebook message from a woman which I kind of know (her kid was a classmate of my kid), telling me she was in a relationship with him and he played us both and she sent me a screen grab of our messages on POF which she had gotten because he forgot to log out of POF in her computer. And another guy stopped halfway through because his thing quit working and he admitted he was married and feeling guilty and was sorry. Another guy I was really into and had feelings for but he moved away for work--we still are Facebook friends. Another guy I liked but he faded away on me so I think he found someone else or just wasn't into me. And the last guy I met up with about 8 times but I eventually stopped because though the sex was decent, he wasn't into talking or cuddling or texting. For him it was sex only and I always ended up leaving feeling unsatisfied emotionally.
Why don't you just take this compliment? I do not understand you. Guys may not find you the most pretty thing on earth but they are attracted to you and they want you to respond. So I really do not think it is a crime that they compliment you to get a message back.
A lot of these people online are not very good with words and/or socially awkward. They want a response and think a compliment is a good opener. I feel sad for you and them that this is such an annoyance to you.
I am sure you are beautiful to many men, if you believe it or not. But that's your problem, not theirs.
Agreed...take the compliment and don't have a problem with it. Its called flirting
Status:
"Peace sells...but who's buying?"
(set 6 days ago)
Location: South of Heaven
8,140 posts, read 3,605,485 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PassionateNortherner
I deliberately put a less flattering couple of photos of myself on my profile and all I get is messages from guys gushing about how beautiful I am and it annoys me to high hell.
First world problems! lol
Seriously though maybe you have a really pretty face. Or they're bots. Are any of them Nigerian princes?
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