Would you stay in a relationship you were abused in if you knew that person would never abuse you again? (alcohol, meaning)

[msRB311]

For the record, I would never say, how could anyone end up in that situation when it comes to abuse. I know it can happen. But it is up to the person being abused on what they do next. They need to leave.

[kitty61]

Battered woman syndrome.

[msRB311]

Originally Posted by kitty61

Battered woman syndrome.

Do you think that's a kind thing to say here? wow

[anononcty]

Unless the abuser is paralyzed or in another state incapable of abusing the question is too much of a hypothetical. To me once certain lines are crossed if the relationship last it would never be the same. What's done is done.

Some are physically and monetarily dependent. Other are emotionally dependent. There could be other family or children in play But there are some that want something from that relationship ie such as money or drugs etc ie they know their abuser has connections or access. I have problem neighbors where the abuser is living with the abused so my guess is he has drug connections. Both are party animals.

Some say an abused person see a fixer in their abuser. One could also argue they know the abuser knows they are lucky that the abused tolerates them unlike others so for power/leverage they want to maintain that relationship. But now were back to they want something because why else would they use that leverage.

[Special_Guest]

Originally Posted by msRB311

Do you think that's a kind thing to say here? wow

This is a real syndrome, and is a form of PTSD. It is the reason women often do not leave these relationships.

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/vie...woman-syndrome

[MinivanDriver]

Originally Posted by MikeMo

I bring this up because someone I know who was in abusive relationship(he hit her 20 year old daughter as well) said she’s happy now with him because she hasn’t been hit since April.

This seems like a low bar to be content with in a relationship.

I get the dynamics behind abuse and how it’s not easy to always leave but I think if there was a history of abuse even if it was just a few times and even if that person hasn’t hit me for awhile that would not be good enough reason for me to be content in a relationship.

Would any of you stay if the beatings stopped for awhile?

The news is filled with these kinds of stories. Of someone who abuses his partner, repents, promises to be better, and then does it again. Until, ultimately, the poor woman is dead.



As I told my daughter, if any man every lays a hand on you in anything but a loving fashion, simply get up and leave. And never go back. Because someone who hits you will hit you again. The first time, deep down, is seeking permission to do it again.

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by Apolona1721

When you are in a healthy state of mind, it is easy to immediately see the red flags.

Tho that’s the thing….it is super important to be in a healthy state of mind BEFORE being in any relationship so you can see the red flags & have the personal boundaries to walk away when you see how they treat you AND other ppl. Give any relationship time…their personality, anger & need to control will come out long before they actually hurt you physically because they are grooming you.

How does he treat his friends or the ppl he works with or his family members?
Does he even have friends…especially any that he has had a long time?
Does he encourage you to have friends & have your own life…or does he try to isolate you?
Does he text you all the time or want to know where you are because he “loves you so much”…or is he involved with his own life or friends & tells you to have a good time?
Does he trust you…or does he feel he has to be with you nonstop?
Is he supportive?
Is he super anxious to commit…or is he understanding that you both need time to figure it out?
Is he cruel?
Does he have mood swings or put you or other ppl down?
Does he shift blame to you or other ppl?
Does he throw things or damage property during arguments…like punching a wall or throwing a phone?
Is he happy with his own life & career?
Does he put you down…or build you up?
Does he bully other ppl or want to humiliate them?



edit: I’m thinking of Clayton Echard…the current “Bachelor”. He seemed like a super nice guy at 1st…he had me interested enough to be pulled back into “bachelor nation” & watch this season. BUT his reaction to Susie was a big red flag. He so quickly turned everything around to be her fault….instead of just owning he told 2 other women he loved them right before sleeping with both of them. That’s manipulative & controlling. AND then he was cruel how he went off on her about it….totally adding to her pain & confusion instead of trying to talk it through. IMO that’s a sign of an abusive personality. He saw it as her fault & he told Jesse what “she did to him”. He was super dismissive of anything she had to say..AND he walked her out & slammed the car door like he was the victim.

IMO…he will be abusive like that again, just like the O.P. is asking about.^^ AND Clayton was on TV…can you imagine if they were alone? Scary.

[oregonwoodsmoke]

The only way I could see it is if he truly wanted to change and was going to counseling and support groups and taking anger management classes. I suspect that is really rare with those who abuse. Generally, they don't change. They abuse until their victim leaves and then they find another victim.


They are usually very good at finding where the line is that can't be crossed and they will abuse right up to that line and then slowly and carefully inch the line over further. What the victim won't accept in the first year he will wear her down until she accepts it in the second year and then accepts even more in the third year.

[JBT1980]

If someone beat my kid that would be the end of it. I don’t get how you could watch your kid get beaten and be apathetic to it.

[Forever Blue]

Originally Posted by MikeMo

Talked to my friend the other day we didn’t talk about her abusive boyfriend at all but she casually mentioned during the conversation about her distrust in Men I guess from being molested as a young kid then at times being abused in relationships.

If she has a distrust in Men because of her past then can someone mKe sense to me why she’s with someone who abused her?

Is it a thing where it’s a self fulfilling prophecy and some people seek their generalizations out to prove their point?

Hadn't been to this thread in a while myself. Many people who've been abused pick abusers too because they're too weak mentally & aren't strong enough to completely get out of it. To them, it actually feels familiar & even, "safe" in an odd way because that's what they're used to. Plus, they just think that all people are probably like this so they don't even know there are actually good people out there who will love & support them.