Would you stay in a relationship you were abused in if you knew that person would never abuse you again? (girlfriend, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She might be trying to hold onto a mental state of FEELING well and happy.
You've got to remember that even a person in an abusive relationship is rarely miserable all the time. Sometimes they grab onto the happiest little things that they possibly can, something that gives them joy or pride, and try to hold that in their own focus so that they can keep on going.
There were actually many, many happy times and good memories that I have from the years with my ex. It's very rare for it to be 100% bleak and awful. That's another reason why sometimes it takes a while to be ready to leave...it isn't always bad. A lot of the time it's not. And you don't know what's waiting on the other side.
Oddly, I would actually say that I experienced more happiness by far than my ex did during our marriage. It's just that most of it didn't involve him...I had those good times, feelings, moments, accomplishments, despite him. I had to sidestep his misery to get them, but I did.
In a way, I think that was part of the nature of the abusive connection we had, too. He was a miserable person who was generally unhappy, it was his default, and he felt that everyone should be suffering along with him, that survival and not happiness is the point of life. I am by nature a much more positive person, and I fought for happiness, as I believe it to be the point, not mere survival. It was like a constant battle. Only, I could not make him happy...but he could make me unhappy if he really tried, if not 100% and not always. Though ultimately I guess, no one is changing anyone else's nature.
I'm sure you may have been asked this before, but here goes... what was the attraction? Seriously? Did he con you, keep the 'bad stuff' safely tucked away until after he 'hooked' you?
See, I don't understand this, why 'positive' people would fall for someone who is such a total screwup. I would think a 'positive' person wouldn't even glance over at someone like that in the first place and even if they did, they would bolt right after the '1st strike'. I'd toss them out on their ass - regardless of how 'goodlooking' they are, their 'bedroom prowess', or any other so-called 'justification'. Gone, period.
I know the saying "misery loves company." I can possibly see another miserable person signing up to that... but a 'positive' person??? Why?
I will say that situations like this may give fuel to The Strugglers (TM) who will come on here and say that this justifies their complaints about women who don't want *them* but instead will want screwups.
That makes a ton of sense. Gotta try to at least keep your sanity and mental well being.
Like I said I don’t know 100 percent but I get the feeling he’s paying for her daughters college or at least part of if I imagine it’s something he does to hold over her head as well.
Yeah, I feel like you have mentioned this in other threads as well.
If that is the case, she might believe that she is making a worthwhile sacrifice so that her daughter can have a better life. I know that as a woman, I'd been really hammered with the "being selfish makes you a bad person" message growing up, so when my Ex used that against me, I was already pretty vulnerable to it. She might see it as, trying to have a better life herself would only come at the cost of her daughter's future.
Yeah, I feel like you have mentioned this in other threads as well.
If that is the case, she might believe that she is making a worthwhile sacrifice so that her daughter can have a better life. I know that as a woman, I'd been really hammered with the "being selfish makes you a bad person" message growing up, so when my Ex used that against me, I was already pretty vulnerable to it. She might see it as, trying to have a better life herself would only come at the cost of her daughter's future.
Yeah I totally get that and the battle in her head but at the same time she could go to a way less expensive local college or even community and still flourish you don’t need to go to a big name school to be successful especially if it means taking beatings.
From the sounds of it her daughter isn’t even in love with the college or doing that great there.
I'm sure you may have been asked this before, but here goes... what was the attraction? Seriously? Did he con you, keep the 'bad stuff' safely tucked away until after he 'hooked' you?
See, I don't understand this, why 'positive' people would fall for someone who is such a total screwup. I would think a 'positive' person wouldn't even glance over at someone like that in the first place and even if they did, they would bolt right after the '1st strike'. I'd toss them out on their ass - regardless of how 'goodlooking' they are, their 'bedroom prowess', or any other so-called 'justification'. Gone, period.
I know the saying "misery loves company." I can possibly see another miserable person signing up to that... but a 'positive' person??? Why?
I will say that situations like this may give fuel to The Strugglers (TM) who will come on here and say that this justifies their complaints about women who don't want *them* but instead will want screwups.
This is a really good question and I am not answering for the specifics to Sonic, but I can answer from my POV. At first there was a lot of "love bombing" as it's called. They suppress the negative thoughts and attitudes. It's a new opportunity to them too. They haven't had a chance yet to dream up all the ways they believe you hate them and have betrayed them to justify the abuse yet. So it's really nice to begin with.
Also, a "positive person" tends to look for and see good in everyone. Even when someone sets off red flags for most people, a positive person will have compassion and find the good. And when the red flags start showing up, they are now invested and to them, this is something that can be fixed. At first it seems like relationship stuff just needs worked on. Like I said earlier, it's a progression of a thousand tiny paper cuts.
This is a really good question and I am not answering for the specifics to Sonic, but I can answer from my POV. At first there was a lot of "love bombing" as it's called. They suppress the negative thoughts and attitudes. It's a new opportunity to them too. They haven't had a chance yet to dream up all the ways they believe you hate them and have betrayed them to justify the abuse yet. So it's really nice to begin with.
Also, a "positive person" tends to look for and see good in everyone. Even when someone sets off red flags for most people, a positive person will have compassion and find the good. And when the red flags start showing up, they are now invested and to them, this is something that can be fixed. At first it seems like relationship stuff just needs worked on. Like I said earlier, it's a progression of a thousand tiny paper cuts.
The following two phrases are not 'mine', so I cannot take any credit for them... but I follow them rigorously:
1. "Trust, but verify."
2. "If it's too good to be true, then it probably is."
And now for Number Three. I take credit for this one because it is 'mine'...
3. "If you have to 'find the good in people', that means there is a lot of **** you absolutely do NOT want lurking alongside it."
I bring this up because someone I know who was in abusive relationship(he hit her 20 year old daughter as well) said she’s happy now with him because she hasn’t been hit since April.
This seems like a low bar to be content with in a relationship.
I get the dynamics behind abuse and how it’s not easy to always leave but I think if there was a history of abuse even if it was just a few times and even if that person hasn’t hit me for awhile that would not be good enough reason for me to be content in a relationship.
Would any of you stay if the beatings stopped for awhile?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeMo
When I told her that she said her kid(she just turned 21) bit him that’s why he did it.
Which is true but the reason she bit him was because he was beating her mother and she stepped in
Whoever this waste-of-space, piece of ___ she's dating is, he needs to be arrested where he's beaten to a pulp by the other inmates AFTER the abused ladies are allowed to beat up on his stupid @--. Tell that spineless coward to fight other men, not beat up on women!
And whoever this lady is who stays w/ him, she's a weak, no-backbone ninny w/ no self esteem & low morals & values, who's apparently afraid to be alone & desperate (because she obviously will date any old worthless trash).
It's sad that these women weren't raised well enough to have any self-worth or courage to stand on their own two feet. Men like these don't deserve ANY companion.
I'm sure you may have been asked this before, but here goes... what was the attraction? Seriously? Did he con you, keep the 'bad stuff' safely tucked away until after he 'hooked' you?
See, I don't understand this, why 'positive' people would fall for someone who is such a total screwup. I would think a 'positive' person wouldn't even glance over at someone like that in the first place and even if they did, they would bolt right after the '1st strike'. I'd toss them out on their ass - regardless of how 'goodlooking' they are, their 'bedroom prowess', or any other so-called 'justification'. Gone, period.
I know the saying "misery loves company." I can possibly see another miserable person signing up to that... but a 'positive' person??? Why?
I will say that situations like this may give fuel to The Strugglers (TM) who will come on here and say that this justifies their complaints about women who don't want *them* but instead will want screwups.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IHOP
This is a really good question and I am not answering for the specifics to Sonic, but I can answer from my POV. At first there was a lot of "love bombing" as it's called. They suppress the negative thoughts and attitudes. It's a new opportunity to them too. They haven't had a chance yet to dream up all the ways they believe you hate them and have betrayed them to justify the abuse yet. So it's really nice to begin with.
Also, a "positive person" tends to look for and see good in everyone. Even when someone sets off red flags for most people, a positive person will have compassion and find the good. And when the red flags start showing up, they are now invested and to them, this is something that can be fixed. At first it seems like relationship stuff just needs worked on. Like I said earlier, it's a progression of a thousand tiny paper cuts.
First, I was 18. Please, rather than seeing this as "why do women do xyz" look at yourself at 18 and any 18 year olds you can think of and ask if they were the exact person that they would always be as full adults, as wise as they'd ever become? Women are not static objects with binary switches. We are human beings, who are naive and unwise when young, and have a whole learning curve to life. My sons are 20 and 22 and I still refer to them as "only technically adults."
And I did come from troubled family. I was used to a lot of things that were not healthy. I was used to being therapist for my crazy Mom, for instance, to tolerating bad behavior from unstable adults. You think a child dealing with parents who are more like children than adults, ever has any point in asking the universe if this is what they "deserve?" It's just...how it is. You just learn to deal with things.
So at 18 I dated some losers. Hell, I'd been doing it for a few years already...it's just that as a teenager living with family, none of the boys would or could move in on my life. It was easy enough to shake 'em before they thought we were going to be "forever" and tried to possess and own me. As soon as I was on my own though, every guy who came along thought that me showing him any interest meant that he had all the rights and power to declare us A Thing and drive off all my friends and tell me what was what and how I was gonna live...and refuse to take no for an answer and refuse to leave even when I told them to. The one I ended up married to drove off the first loser who moved his patchouli stinking futon into my apartment.
I didn't actually even want to be with him. He was still married to his second wife. He was 29. But he overrode all of my objections, explained away any of my arguments, steamrolled over my concerns. He pursued me. I wish I'd listened to the woman he was married to then, she once said, "You have no idea what you're getting into" We've talked since I left him, I told her she was right. Thanked her for at least trying to warn me, as much as she could. But she knew. He once emptied the clip of his pistol into the wall by her head during a fight. She knew.
Once he moved in....yeah, there was love bombing. And stalking. He didn't have a job, so he'd walk to where I worked and hang out on benches in the area, watching to see if I talked to other men and then threatening them once I wasn't around (found out about all that crap many years later.) I did not realize what a huge problem I had with him, though, until I was pregnant. And we were using protection, but it failed. After that... I was so in love with my babies. And then, he had hostages. He said if I ever tried to leave, I would never see them again.
First, I was 18. Please, rather than seeing this as "why do women do xyz" look at yourself at 18 and any 18 year olds you can think of and ask if they were the exact person that they would always be as full adults, as wise as they'd ever become? Women are not static objects with binary switches. We are human beings, who are naive and unwise when young, and have a whole learning curve to life. My sons are 20 and 22 and I still refer to them as "only technically adults."
And I did come from troubled family. I was used to a lot of things that were not healthy. I was used to being therapist for my crazy Mom, for instance, to tolerating bad behavior from unstable adults. You think a child dealing with parents who are more like children than adults, ever has any point in asking the universe if this is what they "deserve?" It's just...how it is. You just learn to deal with things.
So at 18 I dated some losers. Hell, I'd been doing it for a few years already...it's just that as a teenager living with family, none of the boys would or could move in on my life. It was easy enough to shake 'em before they thought we were going to be "forever" and tried to possess and own me. As soon as I was on my own though, every guy who came along thought that me showing him any interest meant that he had all the rights and power to declare us A Thing and drive off all my friends and tell me what was what and how I was gonna live...and refuse to take no for an answer and refuse to leave even when I told them to. The one I ended up married to drove off the first loser who moved his patchouli stinking futon into my apartment.
I didn't actually even want to be with him. He was still married to his second wife. He was 29. But he overrode all of my objections, explained away any of my arguments, steamrolled over my concerns. He pursued me. I wish I'd listened to the woman he was married to then, she once said, "You have no idea what you're getting into" We've talked since I left him, I told her she was right. Thanked her for at least trying to warn me, as much as she could. But she knew. He once emptied the clip of his pistol into the wall by her head during a fight. She knew.
Once he moved in....yeah, there was love bombing. And stalking. He didn't have a job, so he'd walk to where I worked and hang out on benches in the area, watching to see if I talked to other men and then threatening them once I wasn't around (found out about all that crap many years later.) I did not realize what a huge problem I had with him, though, until I was pregnant. And we were using protection, but it failed. After that... I was so in love with my babies. And then, he had hostages. He said if I ever tried to leave, I would never see them again.
So. I made it work. For 18 years.
I suppose this can be summed up as being attracted to The Familiar(TM)?
Your Familiar, based on this, is considerably different from my Familiar - and probably from many other people's Familiar. And my Familiar, if I may be a bit bold, is without any doubt different from most people in general's Familiar.
I can understand that... up to a point. What I cannot comprehend - and very well may never - is the bolded portion. I simply cannot do it.
Even with that particular bit of knowledge, as vile as it is, you still went along for the ride.
Yes, your Familiar is considerably different. And that is so sad. No-one should EVER be subjected to such depravity... and many other depravities.
See, I don't understand this, why 'positive' people would fall for someone who is such a total screwup. I would think a 'positive' person wouldn't even glance over at someone like that in the first place and even if they did, they would bolt right after the '1st strike'. I'd toss them out on their ass - regardless of how 'goodlooking' they are, their 'bedroom prowess', or any other so-called 'justification'. Gone, period.
I'm with you. And then to have children with such a person? My ex could get grumpy but he wasn't abusive per se. The first (and last) time he disciplined one of our children in anger by slapping her in the face, he was kicked out and that was the end. No second chances.
I'm with you. And then to have children with such a person? My ex could get grumpy but he wasn't abusive per se. The first (and last) time he disciplined one of our children in anger by slapping her in the face, he was kicked out and that was the end. No second chances.
Right, totally agree. I would never consider such a person for a partner and you, obviously, did the right thing by ending it on the spot.
But here's the thing - reading Sonic's 'saga' and my most recent response to it... I think it all boils down to The Familiar. If all she knows, if all she absorbed and learned during her formative years, that that sort of behavior is 'normal' - even though OBJECTIVELY it is most certainly not, then that is what she will gravitate to. The Familiar can be, as sick as it is, actually comfortable even for those who are subjected to horrendous behaviors and experiences.
Question is, how do you decisively break the cycle? IMO, having kids does not do so, the kids will experience the same - or similar - things during their formative years, and the cycle will perpetuate itself.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
