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I bring this up because someone I know who was in abusive relationship(he hit her 20 year old daughter as well) said she’s happy now with him because she hasn’t been hit since April.
This seems like a low bar to be content with in a relationship.
I get the dynamics behind abuse and how it’s not easy to always leave but I think if there was a history of abuse even if it was just a few times and even if that person hasn’t hit me for awhile that would not be good enough reason for me to be content in a relationship.
Would any of you stay if the beatings stopped for awhile?
To the bolded: Yes, it's a super low bar. There's no way of knowing for sure that someone won't hit you again. The reality is past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
But people who tolerate abuse always find excuses for the abuser.
To the bolded: Yes, it's a super low bar. There's no way of knowing for sure that someone won't hit you again. The reality is past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
But people who tolerate abuse always find excuses for the abuser.
Agreed. Though in my friends case this guy isn’t some charming manipulator who’s out looking for other women he’s kinda socially retarded probably on the spectrum and this is his first or second girlfriend at most and he’s in his late 40’s.
This makes a lot of sense. He has little awareness of how his actions affect others. No empathy. Yet somehow he has figured out how to control. Remarkable.
I get the dynamics behind abuse and how it’s not easy to always leave
Even though you’ve written this, I’m not convinced you truly understand it from the perspective of an abused person. Your question is predicated upon a point-of-view that has likely never been in such a circumstance, because there’s a mentality that goes along with this dynamic. And it’s a fearful, soul-breaking mentality.
The best example I can think of for a *guy* to be able to relate to this kind of situation is being “turned-out” in prison. These victims of sexual and physical abuse become fearful, their spirits are broken, they lack confidence and they can’t “leave” and won’t fight back. Victims of physical or sexual trauma both men and women will almost always accept the “I’ll never hurt you again” line, because they are afraid of what will happen if they DON’T accept it. This is why victims of abuse normally must make a plan to leave.
When you try to see it from this perspective, you no longer have to post the question “Why would they stay if they knew… yada yada?”
This makes a lot of sense. He has little awareness of how his actions affect others. No empathy. Yet somehow he has figured out how to control. Remarkable.
Yeah it puzzles me because from what I know about autistic people they usually have no filter and don’t have the ability to be manipulating or cunning be user everything is literal with them.
Ya know, it occurs to me to ask, does she usually post the bad stuff on social media, like... Ever?
Could be she just doesn't like airing dirty laundry there, and instead confides it in those she feels she can trust to offer support.
The stuff I've talked about here, I wouldn't dream of putting on Facebook. (I don't do Instagram or any of the others.)
And if she did complain about him there, odds are it would get back to him and cause issues.
Yeah she doesn’t post the bad stuff. To be honest she rarely mentions him at all on social media and has no pictures of him up.
Her post the other day was the first time she even mentioned his name because he got her a dishwasher for Christmas and she playfully said it was a tacky gift.
As far as even the abuse thinking back at it I found out because I called her becuase her dad passed and an hour into the conversation she told me she was staying at a hotel I asked her why and she then got into it.
So if not for me calling I’m not even 100 percent sure she’d tell me about the abuse.
Even though you’ve written this, I’m not convinced you truly understand it from the perspective of an abused person. Your question is predicated upon a point-of-view that has likely never been in such a circumstance, because there’s a mentality that goes along with this dynamic. And it’s a fearful, soul-breaking mentality.
The best example I can think of for a *guy* to be able to relate to this kind of situation is being “turned-out” in prison. These victims of sexual and physical abuse become fearful, their spirits are broken, they lack confidence and they can’t “leave” and won’t fight back. Victims of physical or sexual trauma both men and women will almost always accept the “I’ll never hurt you again” line, because they are afraid of what will happen if they DON’T accept it. This is why victims of abuse normally must make a plan to leave.
When you try to see it from this perspective, you no longer have to post the question “Why would they stay if they knew… yada yada?”
That’s fair. I think I’m pretty empathetic but yes I’m learning more from people here who went through it
Depending on the severity of the abuse and also on whether the person showed genuine regrets for it.
For example I would forgive a girlfriend for slapping or punching me one time. Then I'd make very clear with her that this isn't acceptable behavior and that there will not be a second time. And I would expect her to show me she understands what she did was wrong and swear to never do it again: she's not a fundamentally abusive person, she's just had it in her head that somehow a girl slapping a guy was not that big of a deal. If she starts trying to minimize it or justify it, I'd probably give her more time to reflect on it if the relationship is advanced (I wouldn't throw away immediately, say, a 3 years relationship over a slap to my face...).
But see right there, I'm doing the "well is it really worth leaving for that" game... I guess it can be difficult to assess... sometimes abuse is made up of plenty of small things, each of them not really seeming like enough on their own to trigger a break up. But they add up.
Otherwise in a case say, of a guy having straight up beat up his girlfriend, punches and all, well no. For sure I would never advise anyone to stay.
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