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One correction to what you wrote. She wants a job and she's been networking. She's not legally permitted to work yet and the paperwork takes forever. Meanwhile, financial stress on me is over the top. But yeah, feminism is NOT a selling point to me. I wanted someone to contribute, but not a feminist and not someone who's energy is as low as hers is.
Your other descriptions of her don't indicate someone with low energy. You said she's always going out with her gf's, and has an active social life. And before you married her, you said the fact that she said she's a feminist, which to her meant she has a career and wants to continue that in her new country, was a good thing, because it meant she'd be contributing to the family budget. Now it's a bad thing? Do either of you really understand what "feminism" is? It doesn't sound like it.
In any case, it takes time for people to bond, adjust to a whole new life, and adjust to each other's personalities in arranged marriages, which is basically what this is. At least she has a highly marketable skill; when her paperwork comes through, that part of her life should start falling into place.
But we shouldn't hijack the thread. I'm hoping against hope that things work out for all concerned. Happy New Year?
I still love her and I'm doing everything in my power to salvage our marriage, but I'm completely shocked. The shock will wear off with time, but there is nothing to salvage - she's done.
How could she change so much in just a few months!? My take is that she was in love with the idea of being (and process of getting) married. Not necessarily to you, per se - you were just the one who was there at the time.
Do you happen to have money? Like money, money?
Does it sound like there's someone else? It does, but even if there isn't women don't usually make moves like this without a plan. In her head, she's gone - regardless what you do or say.
Is there any way out of this mess or should I look for a divorce lawyer? Yes and yes (it's not an either/or question, sorry to say). Though as someone else mentioned, annulment may be an option
I only read the first page of replies, so apologies if this has been covered.
I only read the first page of replies, so apologies if this has been covered.
My replies are in red
Thank you. The idea of her being drawn by the marriage itself is interesting. She told me her ex proposed to her at the end of their relationship, but she didn't want it at that stage. She also said she didn't want to wait another 8 years to get married and kept calling me her husband basically from the point we started living together.
I'm not crazy rich, but definitely better-off than her. Now that I think of it, there were some arguments about money. She expected me to contribute more to the household budget (wchich is fair), never managed to save anything and wanted to get access to my savings account.
I've also read some internet descriptions of personality disorders, and I thought it really fit the person who was dumping me. And it did help me at the time.
The only problem was that people with PD are attracted to others with PD. I think narcissist and borderline is a typical pairing. They are not drawn to non-PD because they don't get what they want from them.
So what did that make me? Well I got dumped in only two weeks. I guess I didn't play my role.
Your wife's previous 8 year relationship at least indicates she CAN be in a long term relationship. Does the current relationship fit into any patterns in your relationship history?
If you want to save the marriage, try this exercise: write down things you love and admire about her. The list cannot include anything sexual or physical, and it cannot start with "she makes me feel ..."
From that list, let her know you value her. If the list is empty then maybe don't save the marriage?
For some people they 'fall' into love, or they 'fall' out of love. For those people they experience the emotion and they claim they have no control over their emotions.
I view love as a commitment. You decide to be in love, or you decide not to be in love. As a sentient being, you control your emotions.
It sounds to me as the OP's wife has made the conscious decision to not be in love.
I've also read some internet descriptions of personality disorders, and I thought it really fit the person who was dumping me. And it did help me at the time.
The only problem was that people with PD are attracted to others with PD. I think narcissist and borderline is a typical pairing. They are not drawn to non-PD because they don't get what they want from them.
So what did that make me? Well I got dumped in only two weeks. I guess I didn't play my role.
Your wife's previous 8 year relationship at least indicates she CAN be in a long term relationship. Does the current relationship fit into any patterns in your relationship history?
If you want to save the marriage, try this exercise: write down things you love and admire about her. The list cannot include anything sexual or physical, and it cannot start with "she makes me feel ..."
From that list, let her know you value her. If the list is empty then maybe don't save the marriage?
College degree - Check!
Professional job - Check!
First apartment - Check!
Find a man with "X" list of qualities - Check!
Get Married - Check!
And now that she's got many of the boxes checked she's realizing that she may have missed out on other things and is having regrets.
She sounds emotionally immature and extremely selfish to have made such a big commitment in such a superficial way. You deserve way better than that, Op.
And... anybody who has to be "dragged to get it out of her" and plays the "stop the psychology crap" game is persona non grata to me. Just how does this woman expect to have a real relationship if she (a) refuses to talk (b) accuses you of trying to psychoanalyze her?
A person like that doesn't want to have a real relationship. That's just game playing. The silent treatment and refusal to go into why she's feeling the way she's feeling. You're doing all the work in this relationship. Screw that.
I think this woman was opportunistic. I don't know, but reading between the lines she had a lot of fun in the beginning and is now checking out for what reason? Who knows whether it is an affair? Does it really matter? She's checking out of the relationship and refuses to check back in, in any effective manner.
She'll tell you what you want to hear until she figures things out. It could happen rationally or more likely there will be some sort of epiphany/explosion and POOF it's gone. I'd check out rationally, calmly, logistically before that happens.
I don't think you've given up yet though.
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